Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I would have to say that someone neutral take the child to get dropped off by her father. I also feel that maybe your sister should get some help to help her though her issues. GOOD LUCK
we went through similar issues w/my ex, only he was the one screaming and threatening. Ended up that either I would have someone else take my daughter for the drop offs, but a good portion of the time, he would verbally abuse THAT person as well (yup, even people he didnt know, even a PASTOR once! sheesh!) anyhow, we ended up doing it in the parking lot of the police station. They would even have an officer stand out there, within earshot/eyesight to make sure nothing big happened. He'd glare mightily, but not much else he could do! Anyhow, might try having them do it in the station lot...or, go back to court, and see if you can have a court appointed person be there for the switch.
Its a hard situation. And just a nightmare for the little ones. Im so sorry for the child going through this. sigh.
Best of luck!
Tiffany
PS. now this is pretty extreme, but at one point, I got permission from the courts, and brought a friend along to also videotape the dropoff. That way, if he threatened or anything, it was something we could use in court. It seriously ticked him off, but it helped put a stop to it and made it all much more peaceful for my little one. How sad though, to have to go to all these extremes between two people who once cared for each other and both love the child.
Someone repped me questioning if this situation had improved, so I thought I'd post... as I don't know who repped me.
I think it's probably improved in that there's less drama now. Less drama is always better for the kids. but knowing my mom and sisters, it won't stay that way for very long, most likely.
It's hard to help people with their emotionally-charged life dilemma's. Especially when you are related. I decided to step back and remove my family's dramas from my worries, as I've got my own life and children to focus on. I know it may sound heartless and cold, but since disconnecting with them, I've felt much lighter and free. They are a lot like quicksand, my family. I'm glad to be out of it.
Last I heard, though... my mom moved in with my sister and - just as she did with our dad - helped my sister push the ex-boyfriend/father of the baby even further away. My mom is the ultimate bitter man-hater, and my sister - never having been one to form an original thought - despite an expensive college education - seemed to be following her spiteful, hateful, lead.
It was painful to watch, because it brought up so many memories of my mom doing this to my dad, as well as my mom trying to do this to me and my husband when we were first married and were having troubles... [thank goodness I didn't listen to her, because I knew how she was by having seen what she did to her own marriage and my dad... I knew she was angry and... well.. nuts! So I pushed her away instead of my husband (which was what she was trying to get me to do, even telling me that my husband had a "criminal mind" and telling me to never leave the kids alone with him! Why she thought to say these things, I have no idea... ) and we went to marriage counseling instead! We've been together now for 15 years. ]
So, anyway, I just backed out. I realized that my sister would listen to my mom and follow her more than she would listen to me, so I just sort of felt like... "OK... your life, your choice..." and I moved on.
At first it doesn't really make any sense... why someone who is having relationship problems would follow a single, bitter, woman who hates men (my mom) rather than a happily married one who had been through very similar situations and worked things out for the better (myself). But... my sister wasn't old enough to see how my mom was with our dad, so she didn't have that life experience to help her. Also, it was probably just that my mother was physically there, and I was 1800 miles away. My sister has always been weak-minded and emotionally clingy (she has a lot of positive traits, but this is just how she is...), so in considering all that, I guess it actually does make some sense that she'd latch on to my mom who dropped everything she was doing (which wasn't much) at the moment to bring my sister even further down and depressed. She was angry at her boyfriend for having decided to leave her, so it was easier for her to listen to my mom who is also angry, than to me who was/is not. I was trying to help her calm down and work with the boyfriend for the sake of the kid involved... but my sister was still too angry to think that way. She accused me of siding with him, which was not the case at all. She wanted to hurt him back... she wanted someone else to be angry, too, so my mom was the voice she wanted to hear. My mom loves to hurt people, especially men, so...anyway...
Three times now I've watched my mother try to break apart relationships (only twice was she successful), acting hateful towards men that were actually trying to do the right thing (just not the exact thing she wanted them to do), and seem to feed on this kind of hardship and misery. It's always "her way or the highway" with my mom. It's not right, but that's just how she is.
My other sister, I'll call her "sister B", had her own drama going on through all this, too. Sister B got pregnant and didn't even know who the father was. (She is in the military, and you'd be shocked to learn the things that go on with the young 20-something military kids...) My mom was going to move in with her (Sister B), but then my other sister - Sister A - had her drama going on and my mom always runs to Sister A (the youngest) first. So Sister B quickly met and married some other guy (old boyfriend who still carried a flame and who has a little money but not much in the brains department, poor soul), who seems to want to stick around, so I guess this is good. Sister A has her mom to be codependent and angry with, and Sister B a husband to take care of her and daddy for her fatherless baby.
I know I sound cold-hearted... but I'm just done with my family and all their crazy drama. It's not just my mom and sisters... there are other things. So many things over the years with various relatives. My relatives are toxic to me. I just had to let them go. My husband is so glad for this, too. I used to allow myself to get all worked up and upset over them and their problems... trying to help them... trying to reach out to them... accepting their bad behavior towards me, making excuses for them, going out of my way and spending too much money visiting them and giving them money and gift packages...etc. Nothing ever changed for the better, and I never felt that they appreciated my efforts. I never felt that they would ever have done the same for me. It always felt very one-sided. And then watching how my mom was with this last situation... it was kind of like "third times a charm..." and I just lost all respect for her - what little, if any, I had. So, I just got to a point where that was it, and I was done. Washed my hands of it all. I feel all the better for it.
Hope that answers your question?
Last edited by haggardhouseelf; 08-11-2009 at 01:09 PM..
Call your local department of children and family services bureau. Our town has a family center where estranged parents can drop off and pick up their kids for custodial visits. In cases where a parent isn't allowed to have unsupervised visits with their child, they can come to the family center and visit with the child there under the supervision of a social worker.
Your niece's situation isn't uncommon, unfortunately, so I'm sure that a lot of towns/cities offer similar resources. Good luck!
I think a guardian ad litem would serve this purpose problem is you have to go through the court system. You could assist the dad in getting one though. Perhaps legal aid or a group to assist dads in parenting/custody issues. I give you alot of credit - good luck. Your niece is very fortunate to have you in her life.
I don't blame you for washing your hands of their problems. You can't really help people when they don't want to help themselves and they choose not to listen to good advice.
I see people like this as emotional vampires, they suck the energy right out of you, but they thrive on having drama, they don't want to drop their bitterness, they don't want to see how some things like visitation could work in their favor - free babysitter, break to shop or enjoy hobbies.
It was painful to watch, because it brought up so many memories of my mom doing this to my dad, as well as my mom trying to do this to me and my husband when we were first married and were having troubles... [thank goodness I didn't listen to her, because I knew how she was by having seen what she did to her own marriage and my dad... I knew she was angry and... well.. nuts! So I pushed her away instead of my husband (which was what she was trying to get me to do, even telling me that my husband had a "criminal mind" and telling me to never leave the kids alone with him! Why she thought to say these things, I have no idea... ) and we went to marriage counseling instead! We've been together now for 15 years. ]
Hope that answers your question?
Sounds entirely to much like my mother. I allowed her to drive a major wedge in my first marriage. This time around I know better.
About the Transfer of Custody... my gf had to take her daughter to the police dept in town because everytime she met her ex husband somewhere he acted the same way. Finally she just took him back to court and demanded they had a "Safe Place" transfer, which in our little town..the only place to do that is the PD.
Just chiming in, not sure if you will be in touch with the Dad, but I am in Texas too, and yes, we have something... I think it's called Kid Exchange. I do think it costs a nominal fee but it's for JUST these sort of situations...
You're not cold-hearted for cutting ties. It makes perfect sense, because life is too short. It's also very courageous, because people (especially women) are conditioned to stay and take abuse and manipulation from family members. I hope your niece is okay.
My husband has been in the same situtation as your nieces father and he was told by the courts to go to a local police station or dhs office. My husband picks his son up in the sams club parking lot now but the cincinnati police dept is on speed dial and he has not hesitated to call them.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
And just a nightmare for the little ones. Im so sorry for the child going through this. sigh. 
) and we went to marriage counseling instead! We've been together now for 15 years. 
