safe "switch-off" locations for children and their estranged parents?

[haggardhouseelf]

The last time we spoke to my niece's father, he had a lawyer and was trying to work out custody. He found out that my sister was planning on leaving the state (without telling him), and this really upset him, so he somehow managed to stop that. (My sister was trying to use the legal aid group on her college campus, so he went there and did something - I don't know what - but it made it so that she couldn't use that legal aid and also couldn't leave the state? Sorry, I don't have details because I'm not involved anymore...) Anyway - last I heard he was working towards trying to have her every other weekend.

My mom has been dependent on other people her whole life. She's never had a decent job, and just sort of moves from one bad situation to the next. Before she moved in with my sister, she lived rent-free in a run-down barn, taking care of my aunts horses. Before that, a really run-down house that should have been condemned, but the landlord agreed to let her live in it as long as she kept the outside looking decent so that the neighbors wouldn't complain and the city wouldn't get involved... or something... yuk. This is making me feel gross just talking about it.

Anyway... so my mom and my sister were going to move to live with my other sister (sister b)... but then the father somehow put a stop to that. So they stayed where they were. For awhile the father was paying rent for the apartment where they live, not knowing that my mom was also living there. When he found out, he got really upset, feeling that he was being taken advantage of. The apartment people luckily worked things out with them... taking his name off the lease and renting the apartment out to my sister and mom - despite the fact that they both have terrible credit. (I'm not sure but I think they had to get someone to cosign, there was some kind of issue here where they almost had to move, but in the end it worked out...) Anyway, my mom takes care of my niece full-time (doesn't work or do anything else), my sister graduated school and found a job, my niece's father has a really good job and pays child support (he no longer pays their rent) and last I heard he was trying to work out a custody arrangement, because my mom and sister were still trying to make it out like he was unfit and shouldn't be allowed to see his daughter (this is crazy...)... and that's the last I cared to know about all that... I trust that he's doing all he can, and doing the right thing. He's actually a really good guy. We've told him that if he ever needs anything, to give us a call. But he's not the kind of guy that take handouts or accepts help very easily. He's super independent like that.

[haggardhouseelf]

Originally Posted by bowian

You're not cold-hearted for cutting ties. It makes perfect sense, because life is too short. It's also very courageous, because people (especially women) are conditioned to stay and take abuse and manipulation from family members. I hope your niece is okay.

Thank you! It is a very hard thing to do, to disassociate from family members who we are conditioned to believe that we must include in our lives simply because they are blood-related. It is very hard to pull away, for many reasons. But in my situation it needed to be done. It's a process.

I'm finding that the family we choose for ourselves (partner, children, friends...) is more meaningful than the one we were born into. Maybe not for every person, but for me it has been.

[bowian]

ITA. Good luck to you and to your niece and her father.