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On another note, my 26 year old daughter squandered her money. A year ago, she brought a round trip ticket to go to London this week. A group of friends from college planned this trip a long time ago. Certainly, long enough for her to save her pennies for this trip. For the last month, she been screaming at me for not providing funding her trip. Screaming like a toddler! Literally, it is like she is going through her terrible two's again.
I brought her Christmas presents like clothing she badly needed but I did not write out a check for a ten day vacation.
She went using whatever money she had - mainly from her grandparents' yearly Christmas check. I am sure she didn't have more than $500. She's going to eat a lot of peanut butter sandwiches there.
My husband and I are shaking our heads. Can't imagine doing this when we were that age. There is something about this generation. It is like they are a breed apart from us.
You can't give in to blackmail. It doesn't go your kids any good. Trust me, you aren't alone.
yrs ago id have said hell no … everyone makes their own bed..
but ….a child ..begging for help no matter the reason its tough to say no.
perhaps id have hit middle ground....maybe an interest free loan of a partial amount..
then at least you offered something...
a cold part of my life.....even tho I understand it...is ive had the power company come shut off my electricity...because I couldn't pay bills...and not because of drugs … or gambling...
the rest of my family are traveling around the globe on vacations and im shivering because I cant afford oil for heat... (someone stole from me bigtime and lost a lot)
we are a family that doesn't ask..... and if we do and they say no.....then you risk ….not seeing that person for 10 yrs
again....when I was down my work closed down I owed 401k loans due ….I was behind on my bills...yet couldn't reach out to ask …..anyone ...a very cold position to be in
again ….id have made an offer …..even if a loan … (we all can be "right" but "wrong")
He had parked it at a public train parking lot for the weekend as he was taking the train to come meet me for a weekend visit.
After the visit, I drove him all the way back to pickup his vehicle at which time we discovered it missing.
He then disclosed to me that not only was his vehicle not registered (due to not being insured) but he had left all his mechanic tools in the truck tool box.
After making a police report, I drove him home and gave him a couple hundred dollars (which I had planned to since before the visit).
The truck never was recovered and after a week he called me asking for some $$ to help him buy another truck. When I told him I wasn't going to help with the money he became irritated and frantic as he plead for money to help him replace the vehicle. He had blown $18,000 that he got from a previous auto accident that was not his fault and had nothing to show for it so I couldn't in good conscious shell out my hard earned money.
Since then, his mother who lives in the same city as he, has bought him a car but my son has refused to answer my calls.
He might blame you because he parked his car to take a train to see you.
Why didn't he have insurance? Could he not afford it?
I think if I were faced with this decision, I’d probably sit down with son and have a talk about his stolen truck, his lack of insurance, his keeping tools in an uninsured truck. If I were satisfied that he understood his mistakes, I might have lent or given him money.
I think the OP is punishing son for his mistakes, when he could have been teaching him .
However, I suspect this man has made other, costly mistakes before. If he had to suffer consequences, he might have learned something. As it is, his mom bailed him out.
I wish the OP had had at least a conversation about son’s poor choices.
And I also understand that son has already “blown” a sizable sum of money. He might never be able to make good decisions.
The son is still in his 20s so he has 'a' chance to change. There are probably other issues in play.
But that being said I've seen adult children hold it against their parents for not only bailing them but go through their entire adult life like they're owed something. Here they like to run with the rich so to speak so when they hear what those children got it makes it tough for a lower income person to compete even though they can't or shouldn't have to. My guess is the op may have seen his friends bailed out or given more by their parents. What are they using a standard?
I do agree with your decision not to give your son money. There is a fine line between helping and enabling. But I do think it would be a good idea for you to communicate to him that your decision was coming from a loving place. Help him understand that you want him to be able to take care of himself and make decisions that are good for him and his future. Tell him you miss him but you also trust that he can solve his own problems... and you just don’t think you would be doing him a favor by bailing him out when it was his decision making that caused the problem. And that saving him from the consequences of irresponsible decision making is not actually helping him. Make sure he knows he can always come to you for advise and that you love him.
He might blame you because he parked his car to take a train to see you.
Why didn't he have insurance? Could he not afford it?
He had an accident with his prior vehicle (his fault) and his mother cut him off her car insurance policy.
He could not afford the high cost of a policy of his own.
I think if I were faced with this decision, I’d probably sit down with son and have a talk about his stolen truck, his lack of insurance, his keeping tools in an uninsured truck. If I were satisfied that he understood his mistakes, I might have lent or given him money.
I think the OP is punishing son for his mistakes, when he could have been teaching him .
However, I suspect this man has made other, costly mistakes before. If he had to suffer consequences, he might have learned something. As it is, his mom bailed him out.
I wish the OP had had at least a conversation about son’s poor choices.
And I also understand that son has already “blown” a sizable sum of money. He might never be able to make good decisions.
I thought I had mentioned earlier, but when I tried to talk to my son he became very irrate and resented it feeling like I was 'lecturing' him.
He hung up.
I do agree with your decision not to give your son money. There is a fine line between helping and enabling. But I do think it would be a good idea for you to communicate to him that your decision was coming from a loving place. Help him understand that you want him to be able to take care of himself and make decisions that are good for him and his future. Tell him you miss him but you also trust that he can solve his own problems... and you just don’t think you would be doing him a favor by bailing him out when it was his decision making that caused the problem. And that saving him from the consequences of irresponsible decision making is not actually helping him. Make sure he knows he can always come to you for advise and that you love him.
CGQ,
Very solid sounding advice.
I think I relayed most of this to him when the incident happened.
It is very uncomfortable since he has avoided me completely since.
He has been in contact with my elderly mother (his grandmother) and his brother and mother.
I am hoping he is not trying to get my mother to give him money that she really can't afford.
I know she would do it.
You did the right thing. He’s an adult now. About time he figures things out for himself.
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