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Old 12-27-2019, 06:49 AM
 
Location: Texas
167 posts, read 301,623 times
Reputation: 155

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So I am married with 2 step children. Their father is in the picture and is actually a really good father. Long story not as long, the relationship between the kid's father and I started off rocky where we didn't even acknowledge each other and he didn't want me around too much in front of him. I realize a little how that must feel as a father and having some new guy in the picture and he doesn't know my intentions or the fact that I really don't want to exclude him or cut him out of the kid's life.

Fast forward 2 years, we are actually good. We had a sit down man to man one day and came to terms with the fact that we are going to be in each other's lives long term. I made him aware that I had no intentions of cutting him out and I think that is what changed the whole dynamic. As a step father, I have seen instances where the new man comes in and controls the family and doesn't allow the father to see the kids or makes it hard... That isn't me. To this day, I encourage him to visit and we technically don't follow the court paperwork on visitation as he comes over or takes the kids to his house as he pleases. He helps us out a lot during the day and we give him full access. With things being civil, the kids respond positively when we are around each other.. We go to events, dinner and include him in their lives. I recently offered to put the kids on my health insurance from work as it is only $200/mo for the 4 of us vs him paying $700/ mo from his check. He was hesitant at first but has now agreed and was thankful.

Not all experiences with co-parenting has to be negative. I thought initially that this was going to be ugly and I was a little sad, but I love how things are. he has moved on and will remarry, and things will be really ideal. Overall, this is the best job ever and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I was curious if there is anybody else out there that has a similar experience with co-parenting whether you are the step parent of the biological parent?
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Old 12-28-2019, 12:19 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
47,898 posts, read 38,530,323 times
Reputation: 68526
I am the evil stepmother. (I actually call myself that in real life!) OK, I'm not really evil, and I feel like I have a good relationship with my step son, who I've known since he was 11. He's now 26.

The key to our success has been that I have never tried to be his mother. He has a mother. She's active in his life. Though I don't personally like her, I respect her role as his mother.

I have been a friend to him rather than his mother. First and foremost, I'm his dad's wife though, and he knows that relationship comes first to both of us, not just me. Yes, he was in the picture before me, and he will always be his father's child, but he knows that his dad and I are a united force. We have each others' backs, period. Everything, every decision and every move we make regarding him goes through that filter first.

Like you, I also had a sit down talk with his mom. I actually went to her about this after his dad and I had been married a year or so. She was doing things like sending me notes about how to wash his clothes (common sense stuff, nothing to do with allergies or whatever, and I had already raised four kids!), and she was not cooperating with his dad when it came to things like internet time and access. So I decided to just go talk with her.

I told her that I would always respect her role as his mother and that I had no intention of trying to undermine her. I also reminded her that I have four children myself, and I know how to raise children and I understand teenage boys, so she didn't have to worry about things when her son was with us. This talk had a positive effect and she did calm down considerably after that and like I said, even though we don't like each other, we always respected each other in public from that point forward. I don't know what she does or says when I'm not around but honestly, as long as she's polite in public, I don't care.

My stepson has always called my by my first name. That was fine by me. I prefer that over "mom," actually.
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Old 12-28-2019, 12:43 PM
 
Location: Texas
167 posts, read 301,623 times
Reputation: 155
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
I am the evil stepmother. (I actually call myself that in real life!) OK, I'm not really evil, and I feel like I have a good relationship with my step son, who I've known since he was 11. He's now 26.

The key to our success has been that I have never tried to be his mother. He has a mother. She's active in his life. Though I don't personally like her, I respect her role as his mother.

I have been a friend to him rather than his mother. First and foremost, I'm his dad's wife though, and he knows that relationship comes first to both of us, not just me. Yes, he was in the picture before me, and he will always be his father's child, but he knows that his dad and I are a united force. We have each others' backs, period. Everything, every decision and every move we make regarding him goes through that filter first.

Like you, I also had a sit down talk with his mom. I actually went to her about this after his dad and I had been married a year or so. She was doing things like sending me notes about how to wash his clothes (common sense stuff, nothing to do with allergies or whatever, and I had already raised four kids!), and she was not cooperating with his dad when it came to things like internet time and access. So I decided to just go talk with her.

I told her that I would always respect her role as his mother and that I had no intention of trying to undermine her. I also reminded her that I have four children myself, and I know how to raise children and I understand teenage boys, so she didn't have to worry about things when her son was with us. This talk had a positive effect and she did calm down considerably after that and like I said, even though we don't like each other, we always respected each other in public from that point forward. I don't know what she does or says when I'm not around but honestly, as long as she's polite in public, I don't care.

My stepson has always called my by my first name. That was fine by me. I prefer that over "mom," actually.
That's awesome. Yeah I agree. The kids have a father and he is heavily involved and I leave major discipline to their dad and my wife. I will do small corrections here and there around the house for chores etc, but main stuff is for them. Both kids call me by my first name, but my son will sometimes say dad. I don't care either way.. the relationship we have is precious enough I don't care what they call me. HA

--B
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Old 12-28-2019, 12:49 PM
 
1,556 posts, read 501,672 times
Reputation: 4222
I was also a stepmom after raising 3 boys. He lived with us starting at age 13. He is now 30. His mom would be nice to my face but behind my back lied to the kids. The kids are now 30 and 32. A year ago she came to us for help because she has stage 4 cancer. She wanted to go out of state to be evaluated for a possible new treatment but needed someone to go with her as a requirement of the facility. She asked him to go and me to watch her pets. He did it and for the past year we watched her pets 5 times so she could visit her kids. She calls me when she needs someone to talk to. She is dying and I am glad that I forgave her. My ex and I go to all our kids events and get along well as do our spouses.
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Old 12-28-2019, 03:51 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
47,898 posts, read 38,530,323 times
Reputation: 68526
Quote:
Originally Posted by Teacher Terry View Post
I was also a stepmom after raising 3 boys. He lived with us starting at age 13. He is now 30. His mom would be nice to my face but behind my back lied to the kids. The kids are now 30 and 32. A year ago she came to us for help because she has stage 4 cancer. She wanted to go out of state to be evaluated for a possible new treatment but needed someone to go with her as a requirement of the facility. She asked him to go and me to watch her pets. He did it and for the past year we watched her pets 5 times so she could visit her kids. She calls me when she needs someone to talk to. She is dying and I am glad that I forgave her. My ex and I go to all our kids events and get along well as do our spouses.
I am confused. Did your HUSBAND or your STEPSON go with the ex wife to her treatment out of state?
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Old 12-28-2019, 04:50 PM
 
4,419 posts, read 4,044,286 times
Reputation: 12571
Quote:
Originally Posted by Teacher Terry View Post
I was also a stepmom after raising 3 boys. He lived with us starting at age 13. He is now 30. His mom would be nice to my face but behind my back lied to the kids. The kids are now 30 and 32. A year ago she came to us for help because she has stage 4 cancer. She wanted to go out of state to be evaluated for a possible new treatment but needed someone to go with her as a requirement of the facility. She asked him to go and me to watch her pets. He did it and for the past year we watched her pets 5 times so she could visit her kids. She calls me when she needs someone to talk to. She is dying and I am glad that I forgave her. My ex and I go to all our kids events and get along well as do our spouses.
You're a very good person.
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Old 12-28-2019, 06:17 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
47,898 posts, read 38,530,323 times
Reputation: 68526
Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
You're a very good person.
Do you know whether it was her husband or her stepson that went with the ex to her treatment out of state?
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