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Old 12-27-2019, 11:42 AM
 
Location: California
303 posts, read 193,361 times
Reputation: 1061

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This has been an ongoing situation over the years, and I finally said something this year. When he came over to his grandparents (where we have dinner and open gifts) I said "Hi! Hey, where are the presents?" And he said "What presents?" and I said "Presents for your dad and grandparents." His response? He just kind of looked down, shook his head and gave me a pissed off look.

He has a job, and he is leasing a brand new car. He has a girlfriend, who he buys gifts for.
He'll sit there on the floor by the tree and happily rip through gifts from his dad and I, and from his sweet and very generous grandparents - but never EVER gives anything in return. Even if he brought a bottle of wine, asked to help clean up the kitchen, or help cook - anything. But he does nothing. not even a freaking CARD! I've never seen anything like it. His girlfriend also received gifts again from us this year, yet she brought nothing for anyone else. My gosh, at least bring flowers for the table. Wow. She also never asks to help with cooking or cleanup. His sister and her boyfriend arrived and brought little gifts for everyone. She is a sweet, appreciative young woman.

The grandparents have been so generous over the years, taking him on trips, giving nice gifts on his birthday and holidays, etc. His dad and I welcomed him into our home rent-free for about a year, when he didn't want to live at his mom's house. He has since moved back with his mom (yes, at 26, almost 27), but was selfish even when living with us.

I made that comment to him and am done with it, but am just still so angry and frustrated at his blatant selfishness. His grandmother and I had a conversation about it and she just sighed and shrugged her shoulders. His dad is upset about it too, but won't say anything to him either. Guess it's easier to just keep cranking out gifts to him than to have a real conversation. As the stepmom, it's not really my place to come right out and have that conversation, and ask him why he never gives gifts to his family. But no one else will say anything. That's why I just finally was like "Hey - where are the gifts?!"

I am at the point where I feel it's ridiculous to continue giving him gifts when he does nothing. Am I overreacting?
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Old 12-27-2019, 01:05 PM
 
312 posts, read 70,022 times
Reputation: 537
Almost sounds like he's attending out of obligation and doesn't really want to be there hence the lack of forethought to bring gifts.



Yes the not even offering to clean up kitchen etc is the worst. But again I think he thinks this is one of those events where one just has to show their face.
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Old 12-27-2019, 01:20 PM
Status: "Deep and Dark December" (set 5 days ago)
 
Location: Foot of the Rockies
88,545 posts, read 104,871,472 times
Reputation: 34097
Some young adults seem to take a while to move up into the "adult" side of the family when it comes to such things. Sometimes it helps to bring them up to speed, if they don't catch on. It should be up to his mom and dad to say " 'Joe', you're old enough now to give gifts as well as receive them" or something to that effect.
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Old 12-27-2019, 01:30 PM
 
Location: NJ
634 posts, read 213,535 times
Reputation: 2456
Gifts are meant to be graciously given and graciously received. He has no obligation to give gifts, that defeats the purpose of a gift. However if youre not giving the gifts graciously stop giving them. If you dont feel thankfulness then stop. He is an adult, scale back the gifts a little, he isnt a child. If everyone stops treating him like a child he will react accordingly.
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Old 12-27-2019, 01:41 PM
 
Location: Coastal Georgia
38,392 posts, read 47,274,053 times
Reputation: 64860
I’m kind of at that point with my adult grandchildren. I stopped sending money after their 18th birthdays, because it never got reciprocated or acknowledged. I still give them something at Christmas, so far. It’s hit or miss whether or not we get anything from the children. If we’re together, we’d probably get something.

I think we’ll just suggest to my son that we don’t exchange gifts, because if we get something, it seems to be an afterthought. Fine with me since we don’t need anything, and we’re on a budget anyway.

If I were OP, I’d get the selfish stepson either a very small, token gift, or I’d tell him that since he doesn’t seem to want to exchange gifts, we won’t be getting him anything next year.
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Old 12-27-2019, 01:43 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
47,898 posts, read 38,530,323 times
Reputation: 68526
This is a duplicate thread - the other thread is here:
//www.city-data.com/forum/non-r...-receives.html
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Old 12-27-2019, 02:38 PM
 
Location: South Carolina
14,227 posts, read 19,462,811 times
Reputation: 25433
it seems like it is this generation who it seems does not understand the concept of giving and getting . You must give in order to get and this seems to have skipped a generation . They are clueless young people and I fear for them when they get older . What are they going to raise in the way of kids ? almost makes me shake . I would tell him well since you don't think you have to buy gifts for anyone else we will not be getting you gifts next year or your gf either . see how that goes over and if he does not attend family Christmas then so be it .He will hopefully grow up one day .
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Old 12-27-2019, 02:42 PM
 
Location: Coastal Georgia
38,392 posts, read 47,274,053 times
Reputation: 64860
Quote:
Originally Posted by phonelady61 View Post
it seems like it is this generation who it seems does not understand the concept of giving and getting . You must give in order to get and this seems to have skipped a generation . They are clueless young people and I fear for them when they get older . What are they going to raise in the way of kids ? almost makes me shake . I would tell him well since you don't think you have to buy gifts for anyone else we will not be getting you gifts next year or your gf either . see how that goes over and if he does not attend family Christmas then so be it .He will hopefully grow up one day .
It’s kind of like when adult children with kids go out to dinner with mom and dad, and still expect dad to pick up the check. At least my adult children do do that.
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Old 12-27-2019, 03:33 PM
 
5,774 posts, read 3,127,117 times
Reputation: 25990
Quote:
Originally Posted by VoxTerra View Post
...As the stepmom, it's not really my place to come right out and have that conversation, and ask him why he never gives gifts to his family.
It is not your place. I get the frustration. Unless Dad has the conversation, there is nothing more you can do.
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Old 12-27-2019, 04:36 PM
 
7,096 posts, read 3,338,240 times
Reputation: 18547
Where is the chalk line that infers it's not the OP'S place??? Since this young adult is of age to lead his own life he can also be addressed about his poor manners. Yes , adults DO still openly correct social faux pas that deserve a reset. This young man needs to hear it from someone!

Op ...as an adult myself...please do society a favor and correct this young man on his thoughtlessness.
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