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Old 01-01-2020, 07:05 PM
 
17,362 posts, read 15,181,475 times
Reputation: 39497

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Quote:
Originally Posted by K12144 View Post
Or is this a group of friends who was going to have him out at strip clubs constantly and/or is consistently a bad influence or something, like they'd have him in the club grinding on/hooking up with other women or something? Is there a reason she thinks he wasn't actually playing golf? Would need more information before judging either way.
Doubt it. These are her husband's brothers. Family, not frat bros.

 
Old 01-01-2020, 08:13 PM
 
175 posts, read 32,744 times
Reputation: 279
I understand that she is your little girl, I get that. But, she is a grown woman, 27 years old, and if she didn't want to be with this guy, and she wanted to move back to your town, I'm sure you would be the first to know. Since she tells you a lot about her relationship.

Don't ask her to move back. She will end up resenting you. You're going to have to stay out of this. Hard, I know.
 
Old 01-01-2020, 08:22 PM
 
2,099 posts, read 1,373,021 times
Reputation: 10210
I think asking a boyfriend to stay home with you on New Year's eve because your stomach hurts or trying to make him come home by the time that is essentially THE reason to go out that night is a lot worse than him doing so. Who does that? Unless she was near death in the hospital or something. And he's not allowed to go on a vacation with his brothers? Yikes.
 
Old 01-01-2020, 08:40 PM
 
4,112 posts, read 1,030,009 times
Reputation: 2215
Quote:
Originally Posted by Veryconcernedparent View Post
my daughter lives far away she and she’s 27 years old she’s been dating the same guy from the six years who is now 29 years old. The first three years of the courtship they lived in different states but she relocated to where he was early on to go to law school Now they are in the same city and living together for the last one 18 months and been in the same city for over 3 years.

She has questioned him in numerous occasions to whether he wants to ready to settle down since she is. And he said he will be but not quite yet but by next month. . However he behaves like a totally single individual not in a committed relationship. Example last night on New Year’s Eve she wasn’t feeling well they had plans to hear a band at a bar. He still want ahead without her and what she wasn’t crazy about him leaving her but asked for him to be home by midnight but he didn’t get home until 12:40 AM.

Last month he went away with his single brothers they ended up going to Miami for a “golfing” trip and to a very trendy Miami nightclub. He doesn’t act like this every day but he does act like a single guy and and it doesn’t bother him.

I am a single parent since her dad passed away several years ago. And I don’t I don’t know what to suggest. Moving back home she would have to find a new job but even if he does propose next month to marry him His behavior is troubling.

. When I called her yesterday she was crying on the phone and and I said to him please don’t leave her alone because she has not been feeling well she’s been having stomach issues the last couple months and the doctors haven’t been able to figure it out and. yet he went ahead and left her alone the whole evening he wasn’t even home until 12:40 am and he blamed it on the difficulty of getting an Uber.

Would you tell her just to come home and get a new job here or wait until next month to see if he fulfills a promise of proposal?
Whether your daughter should have asked him to stay home is between the couple. Me if not feeling well - the last thing I would want is to put on a festive front for my boyfriend. Or have him sit there holding my hand. But that's just me.

If your daughter was crying because she was in intense pain with an ER visit perhaps in the offing, that's another matter. If she was crying because she was frustrated from not feeling well and wanted to vent to mom, well that's between the two of you. That your response was then to ask HIM to stay home crosses a serious boundary. That you use the word TELL about whether to counsel her to return home is also surprising. Why would she necessarily move back "home" even if he doesn't ask her to marry him?

At 27, she's not a baby - and if she's been raised to behave that way that's a problem. These types of interactions with your daughter copying you in some ways could even be a barrier to their relationship progressing to the next stage. Even her stomach issues might well result from stress.

Seriously, you need to cool it here. Sorry to be so harsh.
 
Old 01-01-2020, 09:38 PM
 
Location: In the Pearl of the Purchase, Ky
7,867 posts, read 13,321,288 times
Reputation: 32644
Could be he just wanted to be in a relationship with just her, not both of you. Leave them alone and just have a shoulder to cry on and an ear for listening when it's needed.
 
Old 01-01-2020, 10:28 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
18,025 posts, read 18,451,779 times
Reputation: 44815
Quote:
Originally Posted by Murk View Post
I think asking a boyfriend to stay home with you on New Year's eve because your stomach hurts or trying to make him come home by the time that is essentially THE reason to go out that night is a lot worse than him doing so. Who does that? Unless she was near death in the hospital or something. And he's not allowed to go on a vacation with his brothers? Yikes.
I agree.
 
Old 01-02-2020, 08:18 AM
 
1,262 posts, read 1,591,694 times
Reputation: 3742
OP, has she finished law school? Are we just talking about her needing to move cities and look for a new job in a different city or would this require her to drop out of law school?

The overall sense I get from your post is that these two people are not in a place in their lives where they are suited for one another. Your daughter is ready to settle down and seems like she wants more of a homebody--and a guy ready to pop the question and start living the family life. There are guys out there like that. But she and her boyfriend have been dating for six years and he still hasn't proposed (and they're in their late 20's.) That tells me if she keeps waiting... she could be wasting a lot of years rather than searching for someone who is better suited to her.

I'm not hearing any huge sin in his list of "crimes." He just sounds like he likes to go out much more than your daughter, and is not through with his years of singlehood. Asking him to come home before midnight on NYE? The entire point of going out to a party on NYE is to stay out until midnight. So... I think this is a situation where your daughter may just be in the wrong relationship and having invested six years in it, is reluctant to call it quits out of the hope he's suddenly going to change. (He's not.)
 
Old 01-02-2020, 08:57 AM
 
8,227 posts, read 3,012,362 times
Reputation: 18902
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post
So far the only crimes we have learned about are:

1. With her permission, he goes out to a prearranged event on NYE that she is too ill to attend. He attempts to get home by 12 but the Uber takes a long time since it's well, New Year's Eve.

2. He goes on a guys trip to Miami (again, with her permission) with his brothers where the group plays golf and goes to a famous night club. This is interpreted as "acting single," although I hear that married guys also play golf and are admitted into night clubs even when their wives are not available to join them.

3. He hasn't proposed, although he appears to be planning to do so.

Is he really such a monster, OP? Or is there more you haven't mentioned?

If going on vacations without your SO is a crime, lock me up. I've been on a few myself.
 
Old 01-02-2020, 09:18 AM
 
980 posts, read 582,382 times
Reputation: 4212
They shouldn't be living together. He has no reason to move the relationship forward as he is getting what he wants on both sides. He gets to live like he's married (shares a bed, residence, is in a relationship) yet still gets the "I'm single" pass to go off and do what he wants, and she technically gets no demands on his time. This sounds like a huge, losing proposition for your daughter.

And as far as the New Year's scenario, when the clock strikes 12 wouldn't you want to be with your significant other than some random strangers at a bar?
 
Old 01-02-2020, 09:30 AM
 
972 posts, read 304,831 times
Reputation: 2720
Quote:
Originally Posted by Veryconcernedparent View Post
my daughter lives far away she and she’s 27 years old she’s been dating the same guy from the six years who is now 29 years old. The first three years of the courtship they lived in different states but she relocated to where he was early on to go to law school Now they are in the same city and living together for the last one 18 months and been in the same city for over 3 years.

She has questioned him in numerous occasions to whether he wants to ready to settle down since she is. And he said he will be but not quite yet but by next month. . However he behaves like a totally single individual not in a committed relationship. Example last night on New Year’s Eve she wasn’t feeling well they had plans to hear a band at a bar. He still want ahead without her and what she wasn’t crazy about him leaving her but asked for him to be home by midnight but he didn’t get home until 12:40 AM.

Last month he went away with his single brothers they ended up going to Miami for a “golfing” trip and to a very trendy Miami nightclub. He doesn’t act like this every day but he does act like a single guy and and it doesn’t bother him.

I am a single parent since her dad passed away several years ago. And I don’t I don’t know what to suggest. Moving back home she would have to find a new job but even if he does propose next month to marry him His behavior is troubling.

. When I called her yesterday she was crying on the phone and and I said to him please don’t leave her alone because she has not been feeling well she’s been having stomach issues the last couple months and the doctors haven’t been able to figure it out and. yet he went ahead and left her alone the whole evening he wasn’t even home until 12:40 am and he blamed it on the difficulty of getting an Uber.

Would you tell her just to come home and get a new job here or wait until next month to see if he fulfills a promise of proposal?
Offer "tea and sympathy" to your daughter when she seems to need that sort of comfort from you, but otherwise, stay out of it. It is none of your business and you'd no right to say what you did to him. None of what you mentioned is cause for breaking up, let alone encouraging your daughter to move back home. She's pushing thirty and should be more than capable of handling her own personal business outside of occasionally needing a soft place to land and a caring ear to listen.

Her boyfriend was forty minutes late. On a holiday. On one of the busiest Uber/Lyft/taxi nights of the year. If he'd not arrived home 'til the wee hours of the morning or near dawn, that would be one thing; but to use his less-than-an-hour lateness on New Year's Eve as an example of his acting like a single man is utterly ridiculous.

Also, what is it to you that he went with his single brothers on a trip? You yourself said that it wasn't an everyday occurrence. If it bothers your daughter like it seems to bother you, her boyfriend might do well to *not* legally bind himself to her. Spouses who share a healthy relationship with one another get to do things separately, after all.

Let your daughter fight her own battles (not that this is one).
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