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Old 01-02-2020, 09:35 AM
 
Location: Bronx
454 posts, read 305,159 times
Reputation: 415

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Does he know how unhappy she is? Does she need help with expressing herself in her relationships? (Therapy can help her with that) Is she afraid to lose him if she's honest with him about how she feels?

I agree with the overall advice that she needs to learn to navigate her boundaries in relationships, and you can help her do that by respecting them. It sounds like this will be a challenge for you, but you can advise her about what you see while keeping out of it.

Personally, I wish that more women were quicker to dump boyfriends when they're unhappy. Why suffer?

My favourite advice when it comes to chronic unhappiness in a long-term relationship, especially before the stakes change with marriage or kids, is to remind oneself of the importance of your own happiness. Isn't that the point?

-"Ask yourself: If I met him today the way that he acts right now, am I impressed? Do I give him a second date? And would I like to maybe reconsider giving him a 6th year in this relationship?"
(From the Dear Prudence podcast)

 
Old 01-02-2020, 09:40 AM
 
4,866 posts, read 2,100,724 times
Reputation: 9695
Quote:
Originally Posted by kitkatbar View Post
OP, has she finished law school? Are we just talking about her needing to move cities and look for a new job in a different city or would this require her to drop out of law school?

The overall sense I get from your post is that these two people are not in a place in their lives where they are suited for one another. Your daughter is ready to settle down and seems like she wants more of a homebody--and a guy ready to pop the question and start living the family life. There are guys out there like that. But she and her boyfriend have been dating for six years and he still hasn't proposed (and they're in their late 20's.) That tells me if she keeps waiting... she could be wasting a lot of years rather than searching for someone who is better suited to her.

I'm not hearing any huge sin in his list of "crimes." He just sounds like he likes to go out much more than your daughter, and is not through with his years of singlehood. Asking him to come home before midnight on NYE? The entire point of going out to a party on NYE is to stay out until midnight. So... I think this is a situation where your daughter may just be in the wrong relationship and having invested six years in it, is reluctant to call it quits out of the hope he's suddenly going to change. (He's not.)
He likes to go out “much” more than the OP’s daughter? He went out for NYE and he went on a trip with his brothers. That doesn’t seem like he is partying hard, by any means. On NYE, it sounds like he stayed until just after midnight and then came straight home (as I imagine 12:40 was the earliest he could possibly get home with finding a ride and traffic). People don’t stop traveling with family just because they are in a relationship. If the OP’s daughter has a problem with that, then I think that her boyfriend is not the man for her. I traveled with my sister after she got married. Now she has a kid, so we haven’t gone since then, but before then, we did go on a trip together. She also went on trips with my mom without my BIL.
 
Old 01-02-2020, 09:40 AM
 
Location: Pacific Northwest
395 posts, read 174,606 times
Reputation: 1869
Married and just this last year my husband took trips with friends (that resulted in visiting clubs and bars) and went out to celebrate the 4th and several other holidays without me (I dislike crowds and fireworks so I stay at home and get cleaning done, catch up on shows, or simply relax alone). There isn't anything wrong with a man going out with friends, in fact it's healthy for some guy/gal time every once in a while especially when you live and see each other all the time.

I'll echo a lot of people and say you need to take a huge step back from getting so involved in your daughters relationship. What you think is helpful advice and listening is actually keeping your daughter from making her own decisions about her life and leaning on you to "fix" what she is frustrated about. If she's really upset she needs to talk to her boyfriend alone and express that to him. If she doesn't do that then honestly SHE isn't ready for marriage; because marriage is all about communication, being vulnerable and working with your partner on your concerns and emotions. It's not running to your mother and crying for her to bully your partner into doing what you want them to do (especially after telling them you're alright with it; that's borderline entrapment and terribly cruel to the parent and the partner).

Many young women tend to call back home and vent to their parents when their emotions are high or they are frustrated for a moment in a relationship. I did and regretted doing it every single time because what was a passing moment and nothing to really worry about turned into reasons why my family in turn disliked my husband in some ways. Now we don't have a relationship with them at all because of how they took things said over the phone and refuse to look past them simply because I was a bit dramatic and overshared parts of my relationship that were my own issues to fix, not my parents.

By the way...if these calls to mom and complaints about nothing are a common occurance you've found the reason why he isn't and may never be proposing.

Last edited by musicfamly5; 01-02-2020 at 09:58 AM..
 
Old 01-02-2020, 12:09 PM
 
22 posts, read 7,162 times
Reputation: 76
Quote:
Originally Posted by Veryconcernedparent View Post
my daughter lives far away she and she’s 27 years old she’s been dating the same guy from the six years who is now 29 years old. The first three years of the courtship they lived in different states but she relocated to where he was early on to go to law school Now they are in the same city and living together for the last one 18 months and been in the same city for over 3 years.

She has questioned him in numerous occasions to whether he wants to ready to settle down since she is. And he said he will be but not quite yet but by next month. . However he behaves like a totally single individual not in a committed relationship. Example last night on New Year’s Eve she wasn’t feeling well they had plans to hear a band at a bar. He still want ahead without her and what she wasn’t crazy about him leaving her but asked for him to be home by midnight but he didn’t get home until 12:40 AM.

Last month he went away with his single brothers they ended up going to Miami for a “golfing” trip and to a very trendy Miami nightclub. He doesn’t act like this every day but he does act like a single guy and and it doesn’t bother him.

I AM A WIDOW since her dad passed away several years ago. And I don’t I don’t know what to suggest. Moving back home she would have to find a new job but even if he does propose next month to marry him His behavior is troubling.

. When I called her yesterday she was crying on the phone and and I said to him please don’t leave her alone because she has not been feeling well she’s been having stomach issues the last couple months and the doctors haven’t been able to figure it out and. yet he went ahead and left her alone the whole evening he wasn’t even home until 12:40 am and he blamed it on the difficulty of getting an Uber.

Would you tell her just to come home and get a new job here or wait until next month to see if he fulfills a promise of proposal?


Fixed
 
Old 01-02-2020, 12:35 PM
 
2,134 posts, read 805,106 times
Reputation: 3945
Your daughter is almost 30 years old and is not happy with certain aspects of her relationship with this man. Although I totally "get" that she has complained to you about it, this is NOT something that a parent should be getting involved in, in any way, unless there is physical abuse involved. She is not a teenager and not an early-twentysomething. This is something that she either has to find a way to resolve with her boyfriend, or not and decide to walk away.

I was in a similar situation as your daughter, during the 1970s. We lived together for almost seven years starting in our mid-twenties and while I really wanted to get married, he didn't. I decided to stick it out in hopes that he'd eventually change his mind. When we went out socially, he tended to flirt with other women in direct proportion to how many drinks he had. That was hurtful to me but I kept rationalizing it and finding excuses to stay together. In retrospect I can look back and see that the situation was much more about me having low self-esteem, than about anything else; I simply wanted the 'societal seal of approval' of being married.

But here's the thing: Not once would I have ever dreamed of discussing any of the ups and downs of that relationship, nor the one that I had with the guy I eventually married (after living together for several years during the late 70s/early 80s) and decades later split up with, with either of my parents. Ever. The last thing I wanted would have been for either of them to speak to my boyfriend/fiance/husband about anything like that, and frankly I shudder to imagine his reaction if they had spoken directly to him about ANYTHING concerning us. He would have gone ballistic (not to them, but to me afterwards.) Just as I would have done if my boyfriend's/fiance's/husband's parent had ever approached me to talk about any such subject -- and I am normally NOT a confrontational or angry person at all. But my first reaction would have been absolute FURY at him talking to his parents about ANYTHING concerning us. To be honest, I probably would have broken up with him there and then, had that happened (I also didn't like his parents very much but was a good actress and hid it well.)

Your adult child's personal relationships are powder kegs that it is best for you as a parent to stay far away from. If your daughter chooses to confide in you, that's up to her. But it is not either her place or yours to involve you in their relationship in any way, shape, manner, or form. Stay out of it.

By the way, 18 months isn't a very long time for a couple to be living together. They are probably still in adjustment mode. However, with all due respect, I think your daughter's expectations (both short and long term) may not be the same as her boyfriend's. But only she can decide whether or not it is worth it to HER to stay. Don't try to influence either of them.
 
Old 01-02-2020, 12:46 PM
 
213 posts, read 75,703 times
Reputation: 689
Of course he is using her, but she is a grown woman allowing herself to be used and it's not your place to point out the obvious. Common problem in our society these days. Statistics and research have shown that these kinds of lifestyle choices do not lead to longevity in marriage... nor are they working as a team to have a healthy financial future ahead of them.
 
Old 01-02-2020, 01:43 PM
 
Location: The Carolinas
2,107 posts, read 2,106,636 times
Reputation: 6466
The fact he was home at 12:40 on New Years is being virtually on-time. Goodness. If he had "gone afoul" it would have been 6am--if at all.

Be a sympathetic ear but DON'T GIVE ADVICE.

My fiance and I were living together, etc. We decided to buy a house and put both of our names on it. As soon as we both signed and wrote the check, she turned to me and said "You just said 'I do'".

There are more ways than one to "get married". If he doesn't want to do that, he's enjoying the milk without buying the "cow", so-to-speak.
 
Old 01-02-2020, 02:51 PM
 
Location: Canada
6,133 posts, read 4,499,192 times
Reputation: 16931
Like many others have said, stay out of it. If you tell her to come home and she does, she might regret it. She also might turn it around and blame you for breaking them up.

Your daughter can make her own decisions and her own mistakes.

She obviously does (hopefully) love this guy if she's been with him this long, and vice-versa.

What you CAN and SHOULD tell her, is that your door is always open for her if she does ever want to come home. That's it.
 
Old 01-02-2020, 02:56 PM
 
213 posts, read 75,703 times
Reputation: 689
Quote:
Originally Posted by adams_aj View Post
My fiance and I were living together, etc. We decided to buy a house and put both of our names on it. As soon as we both signed and wrote the check, she turned to me and said "You just said 'I do'".

There are more ways than one to "get married". If he doesn't want to do that, he's enjoying the milk without buying the "cow", so-to-speak.


Being legally married when you purchase a home with your spouse and purchasing a home with a "fiance" is not the same. There are laws that automatically deal with the first relationship such as divorce, death, etc. and the second relationship is not automatically covered by law.
 
Old 01-02-2020, 03:20 PM
 
5,608 posts, read 6,919,081 times
Reputation: 9247
Why would anyone even want a proposal from someone who's obviously not on the same page as you? Do you really want her to marry this guy? The only thing worse than dating a jerk is being married to a jerk.

That said, she's an adult. Buy her a copy of the book He's Just Not That Into You and let her figure it out on her own.
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