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Old 01-01-2020, 05:13 PM
 
1 posts, read 751 times
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my daughter lives far away she and she’s 27 years old she’s been dating the same guy from the six years who is now 29 years old. The first three years of the courtship they lived in different states but she relocated to where he was early on to go to law school Now they are in the same city and living together for the last one 18 months and been in the same city for over 3 years.

She has questioned him in numerous occasions to whether he wants to ready to settle down since she is. And he said he will be but not quite yet but by next month. . However he behaves like a totally single individual not in a committed relationship. Example last night on New Year’s Eve she wasn’t feeling well they had plans to hear a band at a bar. He still want ahead without her and what she wasn’t crazy about him leaving her but asked for him to be home by midnight but he didn’t get home until 12:40 AM.

Last month he went away with his single brothers they ended up going to Miami for a “golfing” trip and to a very trendy Miami nightclub. He doesn’t act like this every day but he does act like a single guy and and it doesn’t bother him.

I am a single parent since her dad passed away several years ago. And I don’t I don’t know what to suggest. Moving back home she would have to find a new job but even if he does propose next month to marry him His behavior is troubling.

. When I called her yesterday she was crying on the phone and and I said to him please don’t leave her alone because she has not been feeling well she’s been having stomach issues the last couple months and the doctors haven’t been able to figure it out and. yet he went ahead and left her alone the whole evening he wasn’t even home until 12:40 am and he blamed it on the difficulty of getting an Uber.

Would you tell her just to come home and get a new job here or wait until next month to see if he fulfills a promise of proposal?

Last edited by PJSaturn; 01-02-2020 at 12:04 AM.. Reason: Edited thread title for clarification; moved thread to Parenting forum.

 
Old 01-01-2020, 05:19 PM
 
17,364 posts, read 15,181,475 times
Reputation: 39502
I would stay out of it, Mom. Be a listener, not a fixer.

I guarantee his story has a side also.
 
Old 01-01-2020, 05:23 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
46,198 posts, read 44,551,962 times
Reputation: 90356
She's 27 and been with him since she was 21. It's time for HER to make a decision for her own life, without having her parent run interference.

It's unfortunate that she apparently has vented so much to you about him, but this is something she has to handle on her own. Hopefully you equipped her to do that while she was growing up.
 
Old 01-01-2020, 05:23 PM
 
Location: Suburb of Chicago
22,758 posts, read 10,988,560 times
Reputation: 22038
You can't tell a 27 year old to come home. You can tell her she deserves better and should never undervalue her worth and ask her to really evaluate the relationship, which seems one-sided to you.

All you can do is have an honest conversation with her but the ball is in her court.
 
Old 01-01-2020, 05:39 PM
Status: "beach bum" (set 6 days ago)
 
Location: NMB, SC
2,181 posts, read 550,933 times
Reputation: 3515
She's 27...no longer your little girl. She needs to decide what is right for her and then she needs to act on it all by herself.
 
Old 01-01-2020, 05:50 PM
 
10,057 posts, read 17,668,493 times
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I don't see how he's "using" her unless she is paying all of his bills. This seems to be a matter of expectations not jibing.
 
Old 01-01-2020, 06:04 PM
 
17,364 posts, read 15,181,475 times
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So far the only crimes we have learned about are:

1. With her permission, he goes out to a prearranged event on NYE that she is too ill to attend. He attempts to get home by 12 but the Uber takes a long time since it's well, New Year's Eve.

2. He goes on a guys trip to Miami (again, with her permission) with his brothers where the group plays golf and goes to a famous night club. This is interpreted as "acting single," although I hear that married guys also play golf and are admitted into night clubs even when their wives are not available to join them.

3. He hasn't proposed, although he appears to be planning to do so.

Is he really such a monster, OP? Or is there more you haven't mentioned?
 
Old 01-01-2020, 06:09 PM
 
8,673 posts, read 3,409,482 times
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It was difficult to get an Uber on New Year’s Eve at midnight. How is that suspicious? He didn’t come home at 3am. He went to a nightclub once while on vacation with his brothers.

I’m still waiting for the suspicious parts of his activities...or are you seriously listing these two activities as a reason to color a 6 year relationship as one person “using” the other? That doesn’t even make any sense.

Your daughter is 27 years old and went through law school. Is she an attorney? She cries when her stomach hurts and calls her mom to tell on her boyfriend for going out?

Do you see at all how crazy any of this is? Picture telling any other professional, educated person to go home to their mother because twice in 6 years their significant other went out at night without them.
 
Old 01-01-2020, 06:12 PM
 
Location: Suburb of Chicago
22,758 posts, read 10,988,560 times
Reputation: 22038
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post
So far the only crimes we have learned about are:

1. With her permission, he goes out to a prearranged event on NYE that she is too ill to attend. He attempts to get home by 12 but the Uber takes a long time since it's well, New Year's Eve.

2. He goes on a guys trip to Miami (again, with her permission) with his brothers where the group plays golf and goes to a famous night club. This is interpreted as "acting single," although I hear that married guys also play golf and are admitted into night clubs even when their wives are not available to join them.

3. He hasn't proposed, although he appears to be planning to do so.

Is he really such a monster, OP? Or is there more you haven't mentioned?

I ignored all of the above as being nothing to complain about - but do find it odd that he would leave his sick girlfriend at home on NYE to go see the band anyway. I don't know anyone who would do that.
 
Old 01-01-2020, 06:16 PM
 
1,749 posts, read 508,635 times
Reputation: 4884
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post
So far the only crimes we have learned about are:

1. With her permission, he goes out to a prearranged event on NYE that she is too ill to attend. He attempts to get home by 12 but the Uber takes a long time since it's well, New Year's Eve.

2. He goes on a guys trip to Miami (again, with her permission) with his brothers where the group plays golf and goes to a famous night club. This is interpreted as "acting single," although I hear that married guys also play golf and are admitted into night clubs even when their wives are not available to join them.

3. He hasn't proposed, although he appears to be planning to do so.

Is he really such a monster, OP? Or is there more you haven't mentioned?
All of this was pretty much what I was thinking, too.

1. It's too bad she wasn't feeling well, but was there a reason she needed him to babysit her? Exactly how sick was she? Yes, he possibly would have been sensitive and caring to stay home, but I also don't see a problem with him going out unless she was very very ill or there was a reason she could not be alone. As far as getting home by midnight-- on New Year's Eve? The whole point of going out and having fun is to see the new year turn over. And yes, it's possible he may have had a problem with Uber (or not, but let's not automatically assume he was lying).

2. I'm not sure what the problem is here. Does she expect that they're not allowed to do things/go on vacations separately? Or is this a group of friends who was going to have him out at strip clubs constantly and/or is consistently a bad influence or something, like they'd have him in the club grinding on/hooking up with other women or something? Is there a reason she thinks he wasn't actually playing golf? Would need more information before judging either way.

3. Okay, this could be an issue if she wants to get married and he doesn't... and that's something they're going to need to sit down and have a completely-honest conversation about. As in, "You keep saying 'soon'-- is that true, or just something you're saying to put me off and kick the can a little further down the street when you're actually not interested in marriage at all/any time soon?" And then he needs to answer honestly.

But no, I'm not seeing the kind of red flags here that I was expecting from your thread title.
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