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Old 01-02-2020, 03:17 AM
 
5 posts, read 16,668 times
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I am a 29 year old woman with two kids. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost half of a year now but my kids and I have always lived w/my parents. Well, kind of-we all have our names on the same lease and I support my kids, parents, and myself by working full time, paying bills, and cooking and cleaning. So, I’m basically pulling my weight and doing what I’m supposed to do. The only problem is my eldest daughters’ father, the grandparents, and having their name on mine and my bf’s lease. Let me explain... my parents don’t trust my bf only because they don’t know him as well as I do and don’t want the kids around him. I agree and understand that completely; I mean, the grandparents have a say, too, since they are also my children’s guardians. I will be staying in the same city so my two daughters, myself and my parents can still be together; I would never break us apart. Next is the eldest daughters’ dad; I haven’t told him about this and in regard to that, a part of me wants to let my kids stay with their grandparents but I want them to go where I go. However, I don’t want them uncomfortable with someone they see as a stranger. Finally, if I did move them in with my bf and myself, based on their comfort level, I would let them be with their grandparents most of the time and split myself between being with them and with my bf... can this possibly work??? Pls help!
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Old 01-02-2020, 05:44 AM
 
Location: Texas
175 posts, read 305,305 times
Reputation: 185
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stephaniyah90 View Post
I am a 29 year old woman with two kids. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost half of a year now but my kids and I have always lived w/my parents. Well, kind of-we all have our names on the same lease and I support my kids, parents, and myself by working full time, paying bills, and cooking and cleaning. So, I’m basically pulling my weight and doing what I’m supposed to do. The only problem is my eldest daughters’ father, the grandparents, and having their name on mine and my bf’s lease. Let me explain... my parents don’t trust my bf only because they don’t know him as well as I do and don’t want the kids around him. I agree and understand that completely; I mean, the grandparents have a say, too, since they are also my children’s guardians. I will be staying in the same city so my two daughters, myself and my parents can still be together; I would never break us apart. Next is the eldest daughters’ dad; I haven’t told him about this and in regard to that, a part of me wants to let my kids stay with their grandparents but I want them to go where I go. However, I don’t want them uncomfortable with someone they see as a stranger. Finally, if I did move them in with my bf and myself, based on their comfort level, I would let them be with their grandparents most of the time and split myself between being with them and with my bf... can this possibly work??? Pls help!
This is a tricky situation. The immediate answer would be to NOT move in with your boyfriend of 6 months.

I am 29 as well and am now married and my wife was a single mother of 2 kids ( son 7 and daughter 13). I didn't even go around them or get introduced to them until a couple months in and I agree with that 100%. I know that I am not a creep or have bad intentions but she didn't know that yet. Now in your case, you are not only going to have them around him, you will be living together. I would say, now as a step father of 2, that this move is a little too soon. 6 months to move in is really too quick even without kids in the picture, but with 2 kids in the picture, there just has to be more time. 6 months isn't even out of the "honeymoon" stages yet and what happens when that fades and it makes things worse?

Your number one priority as a mother is your 2 kids. You are not married yet, so the boyfriend takes next priority. The safety of those kids is number 1... And DO NOT keep them at their grandparent's house so you can live with your boyfriend!! That causes instability and really damages the children.

I wish you the best as this is a tricky situation, but I hope you are careful and don't make a choice you will regret. Bottom line, I would wait until you know more about this guy, and spend more time with him to even make the choice to live with him.

--B
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Old 01-02-2020, 06:23 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
46,227 posts, read 44,567,795 times
Reputation: 90405
Why are the grandparents the guardians of your children?
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Old 01-02-2020, 07:51 AM
 
861 posts, read 496,212 times
Reputation: 2057
Six months is far too soon to be thinking about moving in with someone. Odds are this guy will not be around in 5 years. Your parents and your kids will be around in 5 years. Your kids should be your top priority. Don't disrupt everyone's lives for someone you barely know.
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Old 01-02-2020, 07:56 AM
 
1,262 posts, read 1,592,009 times
Reputation: 3742
That you would even consider dumping your children with their grandparents so you can go shack up with your boyfriend should tell you your priorities are in the wrong place.

For the next 18 years, they are your priority. Period. If their grandparents are the stabilizing figure or providing childcare, then stay in a housing situation with them. If your parents "don't like your boyfriend because they don't know him the way you do" then that should be a major red flag. So should the fact that you are considering this HUGE upheaval in your children's lives after only 6 months of dating and when your boyfriend hasn't even married you.

IF your boyfriend is serious about you, he will understand he is signing up for a package deal that includes being a full-time father/provider and a family man, which will include establishing a solid relationship with your parents. IF your boyfriend is serious about this, HE will put in the work to fix these relationships. He won't want to rush things. Six months is way too soon. IF your boyfriend is serious about you, he will have no problem waiting another year until your parents like him and he has proven he is a good man (as you say), and the two of you have proven this will last--and have gotten engaged/married--because what's the point of putting those kids through more turmoil if you're just going to break up 6 months down the road? In that case, just leave them with their grandparents in a stable environment.
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Old 01-02-2020, 09:58 AM
 
17,386 posts, read 15,187,179 times
Reputation: 39517
So you have two children from two different failed relationships and are going for a third with a guy you just met 6 months ago? What could possibly go wrong.
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Old 01-02-2020, 10:13 AM
 
14,330 posts, read 10,617,589 times
Reputation: 17797
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post
So you have two children from two different failed relationships and are going for a third with a guy you just met 6 months ago? What could possibly go wrong.
Add to this weirdness that grandparents are guardians, one really has to wonder why? Could it be that you want to move in and leave your children to shack up with some dude you have known for six months? Calling it "half a year" does not make it longer. It just makes it look like you are justifying to yourself.
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Old 01-02-2020, 10:57 AM
 
Location: Pacific Northwest
395 posts, read 174,606 times
Reputation: 1869
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stephaniyah90 View Post
I support my kids, parents, and myself by working full time, paying bills, and cooking and cleaning. So, I’m basically pulling my weight and doing what I’m supposed to do. The only problem is my eldest daughters’ father, the grandparents, and having their name on mine and my bf’s lease. Let me explain... my parents don’t trust my bf only because they don’t know him as well as I do and don’t want the kids around him. I agree and understand that completely; I mean, the grandparents have a say, too, since they are also my children’s guardians
I'm a little concerned on why this statement matters. Congrats on being a semi-responsible adult...so what. Then by all means go ahead; but your also bringing up the fact that no one except for yourself even knows who this guy is and your hiding the relationship from your co-parenting partner. Yet your ready to pull your kids from a stable household and force all of you to live together without any time to get to know each other or build trust. That isn't fair to your boyfriend or your children and most likely will result in a breakdown of your relationship with one or the other (even both).

You're not a "single" person, your a single mother and you have to date as such. Your children should come first; not just for you, but any and all partners as well because eventually the kids will be involved. Your children and their guardians shouldn't ever feel concerned or untrusting with anyone you are with; that's a sign they haven't been around them as long as they need and a sign that this person is more interested in being with a unattached woman versus a mother. And it doesn't matter what you know or think about your bf; is he willing and able to live with your children as a role model and partner? Is he accepting and loving of your children, does he plan on establishing a fatherly relationship with them? Is he accepting them in his home or only tolerating them to get to you? Has he acted like a potential father/guardian figure toward them or desires to build his relationship with the children in any way? You haven't said if he even wants or is looking forward to having your children live with him and if he hasn't gone out of his way to build a relationship with them then it's a huge red flag on him and you.

My advice: Forget moving and work on bringing your boyfriend into your family first before moving in with him. Have him get to know your parents and work at bridging all those relationships together. You and him should spend more time with the kids as if you were family to see how they all mesh. Tell your daughters father and be open about where she is and who she's with. After you've both been committed for some time and everyone has established their relationship with each other (the children, boyfriend, and grandparents to a degree) THEN you should consider moving in together; but I wouldn't expect that to happen for at least another 6 months of consistent relationship building.
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Old 01-02-2020, 11:10 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
18,041 posts, read 18,458,797 times
Reputation: 44849
Quote:
Originally Posted by bmantx View Post
This is a tricky situation. The immediate answer would be to NOT move in with your boyfriend of 6 months.
(snip)

I wish you the best as this is a tricky situation, but I hope you are careful and don't make a choice you will regret. Bottom line, I would wait until you know more about this guy, and spend more time with him to even make the choice to live with him.

--B
I have known many single parents who did not even introduce their children to a new BF or GF until they have dated four to six months. None of my friends, who were single parents, ever considered moving in or marrying someone after only six months.

Last edited by germaine2626; 01-02-2020 at 11:37 AM..
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Old 01-02-2020, 04:28 PM
 
Location: Florida
2,482 posts, read 1,075,692 times
Reputation: 7015
Should you move your kids into someone’s home you have known for six months?
Hell No! What are you thinking? You cannot possibly know this guy well enough yet. You need to rethink this whole situation before you do something you will forever regret.

I realize you’re not a child, and in some ways you sound like a responsible person, but you are taking a huge risk by placing your children in this environment. Besides, what are you teaching them by doing this? That it’s ok to go play house with your boyfriend in spite of the fact that you have children?

Sorry....but your children will pay a terrible price for you wanting to move in with this guy. I’ve seen it time after time.
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