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Old 01-04-2020, 02:38 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
While it would be pretty incomprehensible to imagine either of my adult children doing such a thing, I will answer.

I (probably) would not "cut them out of my life" but I would never allow them to be alone with my grandchildren, great-nieces and great-nephews, neighbor children, etc. And, I would likely limit contact with them to the bare minimum, but they would still be "my child".

Maybe,I would let them live with me temporarily after they got out of prison. More likely I would help them find a half-way house or something similar (if they needed help doing that) and not let them live with me even temporarily.

No, I would NOT support them the rest of my life. But, I would not support any adult child for life (unless they were cognitively disabled) if they made poor life choices.
My feelings exactly
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Old 01-04-2020, 02:56 PM
 
Location: on the wind
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tottsieanna View Post
My feelings exactly
Other aspects that might lead to me letting them live with me temporarily would be full admission of the crime and complete compliance with terms of release/probation.

Last edited by Parnassia; 01-04-2020 at 03:12 PM..
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Old 01-04-2020, 02:57 PM
 
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I would be totally done.
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Old 01-04-2020, 03:09 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
My late husband was a trial attorney (mostly criminal defense) so I sometimes knew the additional details/facts/information in court cases that attorneys were not allowed to use/say at trial. IMHO, almost always the jury would get the correct verdict with the facts/information that they had, but sometimes it wasn't the whole picture. And, occasionally, people would out and out lie to the police and in court or completely misunderstand or misinterpret a situation.

Think of people who are exonerated from their crimes (rape/murder/etc) years or decades later due to DNA evidence or when additional facts or evidence of their innocence is discovered.

While, I think that tamajane was sort of joking, that is why a parent would want an explanation for something like that.
I had a similar situation described in the OP with the guy in the office next to me. They had a sting where he was arrested and many others were too. Several did not get convicted because the cases were flimsy/appeared to be entrapment. My coworker got convicted of soliciting a minor under age 14. It seems like he was staying with his parents out of state while awaiting trial (with permission of the court), but then he stole their car (to presumably jump bail) and they turned him in to return to jail. When I looked at where he was after he completed his sentence, it looked like his parents allowed him to move back with them. I couldn’t believe it! I didn’t see any excuse for his actions based on the information I had heard.
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Old 01-04-2020, 06:30 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CatTX View Post
Thanks for the replies everyone, much appreciated.

Germaine, hopefully your kids are exactly who you think they are. But sometimes you don't know what people are capable of until they do it.

tamajane, I am not sure what difference an explanation could make. There really aren't any acceptable mitigating circumstances for doing something like this.
The only mitigating circumstance I can possibly think of, is if the girl looked 18 and stated she was 18. Not many 12 year olds look 18, but some do. Some are 5'8" tall, and lovely, and it's a curse that they look like women because well-meaning men hit on them.

Other than that, I can't think of a mitigating circumstance that would matter to me.

(I've always thought it's harder to be the mother of a perp than the mother of a victim. When I hear a horrible story of a school shooting, for example, I think as hard as it is for parents who are panicked thinking their child might be a victim, it would be worse to have that awful feeling that maybe your child was the perpetrator).

Cat, are you asking this out of pure idle curiosity, or do you know someone who's having to make that decision?

Last edited by ClaraC; 01-04-2020 at 06:41 PM..
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Old 01-04-2020, 06:48 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post

(I've always thought it's harder to be the mother of a perp than the mother of a victim. When I hear a horrible story of a school shooting, for example, I think as hard as it is for parents who are panicked thinking their child might be a victim, it would be worse to have that awful feeling that maybe your child was the perpetrator).

Well, yes, it is worse to be the parent of the perpetrator than the parent who only WORRIES that their children were victims.


But there is no comparison to the parent of a perpetrator to the utter and absolute pain and sorrow of parents of children who have been murdered. The actual victims. No comparison.
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Old 01-04-2020, 06:51 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by spencgr View Post
Well, yes, it is worse to be the parent of the perpetrator than the parent who only WORRIES that their children were victims.


But there is no comparison to the parent of a perpetrator to the utter and absolute pain and sorrow of parents of children who have been murdered. The actual victims. No comparison.
You never know the experiences of those you are talking to on the internet, spencgr.

I'm only speaking for myself. Not everyone shares my perspective.

When all the dust has settled, and there are some students who are dead because they are victims, and a student who is dead because he shot up the school and was killed by first responders, who would you like to be the parent of?

Speaking only for myself, I choose one of the kids who led a sweet clean life and then was tragically gone too early, vs. the one who did something so evil that I would forever doubt myself in how I raised him.

Maybe somehow you'd find it easier to live with if you were the parent of the perpetrator, rather than the parent of an admirable, healthy, respectable and respected lovely child?

That's fair. I just have a different perspective.
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Old 01-04-2020, 07:05 PM
 
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To be honest, I am not a parent, but I would always choose to be the parent of the child who was still alive.
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Old 01-04-2020, 07:22 PM
 
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To be honest, there’s not enough information. If it was just this, I might be able to still claim this adult as my child.

If however, this was one of many many other things that this child has done wrong? This just might be the straw that breaks the camels back.

But I don’t know, and I have no children to worry about.
__________________
Solly says — Be nice!
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Old 01-04-2020, 07:26 PM
 
12,859 posts, read 5,153,444 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by spencgr View Post
To be honest, I am not a parent, but I would always choose to be the parent of the child who was still alive.
Since you're not a parent, you probably don't fully understand this dynamic.

And in my scenario, that I posted, as is virtually always the case in a mass school shooting, all the kids are dead. The victims, and the perp. Very occasionally the perp is still living.

I have a friend whose child was killed in one of the early school shootings - back in the day when People Magazine did an article highlighting the lives of the victims - because at that time it was still virtually unheard of to have this kind of tragedy happen. If you asked her would she rather be the mother of her sweet daughter, or the mother of the perp, it's not a contest.

She remembers her daughter with such great fondness, as we all do, and it's very sad that her life was short.

But STILL, as a parent, I would rather be the mother of a dead victim, than the mother of a live shooter who I had to keep dealing with, and keep hurting for, and keep visiting, and keep apologizing to those who are rightfully outraged, and keep wondering what I did wrong, etc.

Others may have a different perspective.

Last edited by ClaraC; 01-04-2020 at 07:35 PM..
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