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Every single time there is a murder or even mass murder, in the news story, the parents says 'No way my child could have done that.'
100% of the time. I think that pretty much answers your question in terms of parent mentality no matter what the responses here are...
I suspect that these are the persons who perhaps misguidedly come forward and want to advocate for their child. But not every parent is so blind to the errors of their children. Maybe those are the ones who prefer not to speak at all.
This is actually a good stance as plenty of parents have been ripped to shreds by the media. The silent ones are out there. In fact I think a good parent has to be able to see both the good and the bad in order to parent well.
I would continue to emotionally support my two adult children no matter what they did. I am certain of it. It's not easy being a parent but it's a job I chose and in my book it's a lifetime one.
What I will not do and hopefully never have done is fail to hold them responsible for their behavior. People who are enabled are people who become crippled. I'm not interested in participating in any consequences of bad behavior. Had enough of that when they were little folks and I had to run interference.
And absolutely no money for criminal kids. I don't want to play a part in future error. It is possible to love with detachment.
You never know the experiences of those you are talking to on the internet, spencgr.
I'm only speaking for myself. Not everyone shares my perspective.
When all the dust has settled, and there are some students who are dead because they are victims, and a student who is dead because he shot up the school and was killed by first responders, who would you like to be the parent of?
Speaking only for myself, I choose one of the kids who led a sweet clean life and then was tragically gone too early, vs. the one who did something so evil that I would forever doubt myself in how I raised him.
Maybe somehow you'd find it easier to live with if you were the parent of the perpetrator, rather than the parent of an admirable, healthy, respectable and respected lovely child?
That's fair. I just have a different perspective.
I can totally get this perspective ClaraC. What was it like to be Ted Bundy's mom? Or Jeffrey Dahmer's?
There have been times, when I'll hear about someone who died in a rather ignominious way (like say...someone dies of asphyxiation because they were indulging in some form of auto-erotica) and forever after, that person's mom has to live with that information. Of course you still love your child...but they have this knowledge of their son's 'kink'. Or...real life sample...that guy in Florida that passed out from drugs, and a gator came along and ate him. What an ignoramous, and yet tragic way to go. But being the parent of that guy...What do you do?
Wouldn't it have been a 'better' death if they died saving children from a burning house, or from drowning in the river, etc.
If your middle-aged son/daughter was arrested and sent to prison for solicitation of a child under the age of 12, would you continue to have a relationship with them or would you cut them out of your life?
If you would continue a relationship, would you let them move in with you after prison, even though your home address would be listed on the online sex offender's registry since they live there with you? Would you be willing to fully financially support them for the rest of your life since such a conviction makes it almost impossible to find work?
What a difficult situation your in. I have only one child and love him dearly. This would break my heart. I pray your child will get the needed help so they can re-enter society after prison.
I wouldn't let them live with me. Your child made the wrong choice but why, were they sexually abused...what happened in their life to put them on this path? Or are they mentally ill? A deviant? Without truly knowing this case its hard to say what to do.
Did your child accept responsibility for this crime, or try to get out of it by lying? Thats a big step if they told the truth.
I wouldn't write them out of my life if they truly got help. Really wanted to change. But never live with me. When he/she gets out of prison its going to be so difficult with this type of crime. If they don't have anyone thats in their corner it will be very difficult.
So I would write, visit while he/she was in prison. See what they are doing to help themselves. They can take college classes, get therapy. Once released to halfway house get a job.
You have a hard journey in front of you, prayers for you
If this is a hypothetical, it might be better to put it on Great Debates or somewhere else. It's not really a parenting issue anyway, because you don't "parent" a middle-aged adult.
What a difficult situation your in. I have only one child and love him dearly. This would break my heart. I pray your child will get the needed help so they can re-enter society after prison.
I wouldn't let them live with me. Your child made the wrong choice but why, were they sexually abused...what happened in their life to put them on this path? Or are they mentally ill? A deviant? Without truly knowing this case its hard to say what to do.
A crime like this at a late age seems to point more to deviance. No known sexual abuse, but even if there was, that is no excuse and most people who are sexually abused never abuse others. From what I've researched, the stats that most perpetrators were abused are not conclusive because some perpetrators may claim abuse to garner sympathy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cp102
Did your child accept responsibility for this crime, or try to get out of it by lying? Thats a big step if they told the truth.
When one is arrested, the authorities make sure they have all the necessary evidence, so lying isn't an option. At that point, they have you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cp102
I wouldn't write them out of my life if they truly got help. Really wanted to change. But never live with me. When he/she gets out of prison its going to be so difficult with this type of crime. If they don't have anyone thats in their corner it will be very difficult.
So I would write, visit while he/she was in prison. See what they are doing to help themselves. They can take college classes, get therapy. Once released to halfway house get a job.
You have a hard journey in front of you, prayers for you
Yes, released sex offenders on the registry have an extremely difficult time even finding a roof over their head, let alone a job. This is where I disagree with the registry, someone either serves their time and pays their debt to society and is able to start over, or the system needs to imprison for life or provide enclaves for sex offenders. It is cruel to allow them to be released, but continue to punish them by not allowing them to re-integrate and even making basic necessities, such as work and housing, almost impossible to obtain.
If this is a hypothetical, it might be better to put it on Great Debates or somewhere else. It's not really a parenting issue anyway, because you don't "parent" a middle-aged adult.
This is not hypothetical. I originally posted in non-romantic relationships because I agree you don't really parent a middle age adult, but it was moved to parenting.
I think you still "parent" your adult children. I suppose it's a matter of semantics but if you parents think about it you do have special ties and boundaries with your adult children that you wouldn't have with other adults.
"Parent" because it's in this forum calls up unequal relationship, adult/child. But I think it is true for almost all of us that the question being raised is much more complicate because the offender is one's own child and not just an acquaintance.
No argument here. Just a different way to look at it. It is more serious when it's family.
I think you still "parent" your adult children. I suppose it's a matter of semantics but if you parents think about it you do have special ties and boundaries with your adult children that you wouldn't have with other adults.
"Parent" because it's in this forum calls up unequal relationship, adult/child. But I think it is true for almost all of us that the question being raised is much more complicate because the offender is one's own child and not just an acquaintance.
No argument here. Just a different way to look at it. It is more serious when it's family.
I think of the parenting forum more as a forum for active parenting of younger offspring. But I agree that, while parenting older adults is more hands-off and much less involved, they are still your "kids", even if you are 80 and they are 60.
I think of the parenting forum more as a forum for active parenting of younger offspring. But I agree that, while parenting older adults is more hands-off and much less involved, they are still your "kids", even if you are 80 and they are 60.
And there are lines I would draw with them that I might not necessarily draw with someone else's adult child. While we hope and wish it were true sometimes parents aren't the best choice to help out a troubled adult child.
Just because it hasn't been mentioned yet, I figured I'd point out that letting the adult child live with you may not even be an option if you live too close to a daycare, school, park, etc. depending on state and local law.
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