U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 01-06-2020, 03:23 PM
 
6,867 posts, read 3,912,044 times
Reputation: 24274

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by jobaba View Post
Every single time there is a murder or even mass murder, in the news story, the parents says 'No way my child could have done that.'

100% of the time. I think that pretty much answers your question in terms of parent mentality no matter what the responses here are...
I suspect that these are the persons who perhaps misguidedly come forward and want to advocate for their child. But not every parent is so blind to the errors of their children. Maybe those are the ones who prefer not to speak at all.

This is actually a good stance as plenty of parents have been ripped to shreds by the media. The silent ones are out there. In fact I think a good parent has to be able to see both the good and the bad in order to parent well.

I would continue to emotionally support my two adult children no matter what they did. I am certain of it. It's not easy being a parent but it's a job I chose and in my book it's a lifetime one.

What I will not do and hopefully never have done is fail to hold them responsible for their behavior. People who are enabled are people who become crippled. I'm not interested in participating in any consequences of bad behavior. Had enough of that when they were little folks and I had to run interference.

And absolutely no money for criminal kids. I don't want to play a part in future error. It is possible to love with detachment.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 01-06-2020, 04:32 PM
 
8,291 posts, read 3,033,617 times
Reputation: 19036
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
You never know the experiences of those you are talking to on the internet, spencgr.

I'm only speaking for myself. Not everyone shares my perspective.

When all the dust has settled, and there are some students who are dead because they are victims, and a student who is dead because he shot up the school and was killed by first responders, who would you like to be the parent of?

Speaking only for myself, I choose one of the kids who led a sweet clean life and then was tragically gone too early, vs. the one who did something so evil that I would forever doubt myself in how I raised him.

Maybe somehow you'd find it easier to live with if you were the parent of the perpetrator, rather than the parent of an admirable, healthy, respectable and respected lovely child?

That's fair. I just have a different perspective.

I can totally get this perspective ClaraC. What was it like to be Ted Bundy's mom? Or Jeffrey Dahmer's?


There have been times, when I'll hear about someone who died in a rather ignominious way (like say...someone dies of asphyxiation because they were indulging in some form of auto-erotica) and forever after, that person's mom has to live with that information. Of course you still love your child...but they have this knowledge of their son's 'kink'. Or...real life sample...that guy in Florida that passed out from drugs, and a gator came along and ate him. What an ignoramous, and yet tragic way to go. But being the parent of that guy...What do you do?


Wouldn't it have been a 'better' death if they died saving children from a burning house, or from drowning in the river, etc.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-07-2020, 07:38 AM
 
Location: Texas
1,155 posts, read 739,122 times
Reputation: 1906
Quote:
Originally Posted by CatTX View Post
If your middle-aged son/daughter was arrested and sent to prison for solicitation of a child under the age of 12, would you continue to have a relationship with them or would you cut them out of your life?

If you would continue a relationship, would you let them move in with you after prison, even though your home address would be listed on the online sex offender's registry since they live there with you? Would you be willing to fully financially support them for the rest of your life since such a conviction makes it almost impossible to find work?

What a difficult situation your in. I have only one child and love him dearly. This would break my heart. I pray your child will get the needed help so they can re-enter society after prison.


I wouldn't let them live with me. Your child made the wrong choice but why, were they sexually abused...what happened in their life to put them on this path? Or are they mentally ill? A deviant? Without truly knowing this case its hard to say what to do.



Did your child accept responsibility for this crime, or try to get out of it by lying? Thats a big step if they told the truth.



I wouldn't write them out of my life if they truly got help. Really wanted to change. But never live with me. When he/she gets out of prison its going to be so difficult with this type of crime. If they don't have anyone thats in their corner it will be very difficult.


So I would write, visit while he/she was in prison. See what they are doing to help themselves. They can take college classes, get therapy. Once released to halfway house get a job.



You have a hard journey in front of you, prayers for you
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-07-2020, 11:24 AM
Status: "I believe in reincarnation" (set 23 days ago)
 
Location: Texas
12,085 posts, read 4,628,400 times
Reputation: 23456
If this is a hypothetical, it might be better to put it on Great Debates or somewhere else. It's not really a parenting issue anyway, because you don't "parent" a middle-aged adult.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-07-2020, 11:29 AM
 
1,637 posts, read 843,580 times
Reputation: 7031
Quote:
Originally Posted by cp102 View Post
What a difficult situation your in. I have only one child and love him dearly. This would break my heart. I pray your child will get the needed help so they can re-enter society after prison.

I wouldn't let them live with me. Your child made the wrong choice but why, were they sexually abused...what happened in their life to put them on this path? Or are they mentally ill? A deviant? Without truly knowing this case its hard to say what to do.
A crime like this at a late age seems to point more to deviance. No known sexual abuse, but even if there was, that is no excuse and most people who are sexually abused never abuse others. From what I've researched, the stats that most perpetrators were abused are not conclusive because some perpetrators may claim abuse to garner sympathy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cp102 View Post
Did your child accept responsibility for this crime, or try to get out of it by lying? Thats a big step if they told the truth.
When one is arrested, the authorities make sure they have all the necessary evidence, so lying isn't an option. At that point, they have you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cp102 View Post
I wouldn't write them out of my life if they truly got help. Really wanted to change. But never live with me. When he/she gets out of prison its going to be so difficult with this type of crime. If they don't have anyone thats in their corner it will be very difficult.

So I would write, visit while he/she was in prison. See what they are doing to help themselves. They can take college classes, get therapy. Once released to halfway house get a job.

You have a hard journey in front of you, prayers for you
Yes, released sex offenders on the registry have an extremely difficult time even finding a roof over their head, let alone a job. This is where I disagree with the registry, someone either serves their time and pays their debt to society and is able to start over, or the system needs to imprison for life or provide enclaves for sex offenders. It is cruel to allow them to be released, but continue to punish them by not allowing them to re-integrate and even making basic necessities, such as work and housing, almost impossible to obtain.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-07-2020, 03:33 PM
 
1,637 posts, read 843,580 times
Reputation: 7031
Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
If this is a hypothetical, it might be better to put it on Great Debates or somewhere else. It's not really a parenting issue anyway, because you don't "parent" a middle-aged adult.
This is not hypothetical. I originally posted in non-romantic relationships because I agree you don't really parent a middle age adult, but it was moved to parenting.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-08-2020, 10:43 AM
 
6,867 posts, read 3,912,044 times
Reputation: 24274
I think you still "parent" your adult children. I suppose it's a matter of semantics but if you parents think about it you do have special ties and boundaries with your adult children that you wouldn't have with other adults.

"Parent" because it's in this forum calls up unequal relationship, adult/child. But I think it is true for almost all of us that the question being raised is much more complicate because the offender is one's own child and not just an acquaintance.

No argument here. Just a different way to look at it. It is more serious when it's family.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-08-2020, 01:26 PM
 
1,637 posts, read 843,580 times
Reputation: 7031
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lodestar View Post
I think you still "parent" your adult children. I suppose it's a matter of semantics but if you parents think about it you do have special ties and boundaries with your adult children that you wouldn't have with other adults.

"Parent" because it's in this forum calls up unequal relationship, adult/child. But I think it is true for almost all of us that the question being raised is much more complicate because the offender is one's own child and not just an acquaintance.

No argument here. Just a different way to look at it. It is more serious when it's family.
I think of the parenting forum more as a forum for active parenting of younger offspring. But I agree that, while parenting older adults is more hands-off and much less involved, they are still your "kids", even if you are 80 and they are 60.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-08-2020, 02:43 PM
 
6,867 posts, read 3,912,044 times
Reputation: 24274
Quote:
Originally Posted by CatTX View Post
I think of the parenting forum more as a forum for active parenting of younger offspring. But I agree that, while parenting older adults is more hands-off and much less involved, they are still your "kids", even if you are 80 and they are 60.
And there are lines I would draw with them that I might not necessarily draw with someone else's adult child. While we hope and wish it were true sometimes parents aren't the best choice to help out a troubled adult child.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old Today, 12:34 PM
 
13,100 posts, read 10,454,747 times
Reputation: 10181
Just because it hasn't been mentioned yet, I figured I'd point out that letting the adult child live with you may not even be an option if you live too close to a daycare, school, park, etc. depending on state and local law.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2020, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top