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Old Yesterday, 03:47 PM
 
8,252 posts, read 3,018,397 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Robert20170 View Post
You should be glad the new BF is taking an interest in your son and leave it at that. Always ask your son how it's going and trust what he says, etc, but don't play the bitter ex-husband trying to make life miserable for your ex-wife.

And I would add "Don't put your son in the middle of this and try to place a guilt trip on him if he's actually enjoying the company of this guy."


Believe me, IF your son is enjoying his time with this guy, that's MUCH better than this guy mistreating your son, or beating him, etc. That's a MUCH worse scenario to have to live with.


Just keep the lines of communication open with your son, and let your son know he can talk to you about ANYTHING at ANY TIME and don't bad-mouth this man to your son.


Probably, at some point in the future, you're going to start dating a lady you like a lot, and if things get serious, you'll want to introduce her to your son, or ask her to move in, or marry her. Think about if the situation was reversed, how would you want THAT handled? Do you want your ex to pitch a fit, and/or bad mouth your new lady?
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Old Yesterday, 08:52 PM
 
18,599 posts, read 9,388,338 times
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Let your son know that if anyone makes him feel uncomfortable, to tell you. Remind him again and again. Good luck.
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Old Yesterday, 09:20 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
24,354 posts, read 15,729,119 times
Reputation: 35824
Actually, I am suspicious about motives of the new BF. Most BFs are not that immediately interested in new GF’s kids. I would make sure your son knows about personal boundaries. Make sure he knows how to say “no” to inappropriate touching, and that he can talk to you about anything.

It might simply be that BF has known your ex for longer than you know, and that he is serious about her. If that is the case, then his interest in your son is more understandable. But kids who become invested in their mom’s BFs, believing that that they truly like them, can be hurt when and if the BF and mom split up. BF, who seemed so interested in them, simply disappears.

There is a lot here. I don’t think OP has enough info to know what is the case. OP needs to make sure that his time with son is sacrosanct, and that it is treated with respect by all parties.
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Old Yesterday, 09:20 PM
 
Location: planet earth
6,085 posts, read 2,383,491 times
Reputation: 13554
I think you should step back and realize it's your ego that's objective. You don't have any control over your ex and her new boyfriend. It's probably a good thing for your son that he has another caring person in his life. Divorce is traumatic to kids.

So have the best relationship with him you can - call, text frequently - and enjoy him on visits and wish your ex and her new bf the best.

I understand the envy, but anything you might do would not be healthy - and could negatively impact your son and I'm sure you don't want that.
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Old Yesterday, 09:30 PM
 
4,437 posts, read 4,054,960 times
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Positive attention from another adult is a good thing for your son. Enjoy your time with him, keep lines of communication open, let him know he can talk to you about anything.

Never say anything bad about his mother, or her boyfriend. Put yourself in his shoes. His parents got divorced. Mom brings home a new guy who is nice to kid, plays with him, does stuff with him. He enjoys his time with this new guy. He goes to Dad's, and gets bad vibes from Dad about Mom, and about the new BF who is being so nice to him. Now he's conflicted. He likes the new BF, he loves his mom, but he's loyal to his own father. Should he act up at mom's house? Should he be nasty to Mom's new BF, who's nothing but nice to him, because he is going to take up the banner of his father in the divorce, and continue the battle on the front lines for his father?

Come on! Get over it. Don't destroy your son's life because you're jealous. You want the kid to know you're his father? Be his father. Be a grown man. Let your kid grow up in peace. Don't look for conflict with his mother, or his mother's new BF. Everyone, but especially your son, will be happier if you stop trying to fight with your ex.
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Old Yesterday, 10:33 PM
 
Location: Canada
9,317 posts, read 8,683,769 times
Reputation: 20368
Quote:
Originally Posted by maddnotez View Post
Not sure how to approach this one.

Was married for 10 years. Within 1 month after the divorce my ex has a new boyfriend and within a couple of weeks after that she introduced him to my 9 year old son.

After the meet, every time I went to pick up my kid the BF was there. To the point where I had to ask is this guy living with you? No, he's just there all the time.

So now the new BF is trying to do "dad stuff" taking my kid WITHOUT my ex to games and then they were going to build a computer together and doing all this bonding stuff.

So I have a major problem with this because for one she literally just met this guy, as far as I know and for 2 he is not my sons father, I am.

I am not ok with this but I am not sure how to approach this in an adult manner as I get very upset when I think about it.

Any advice?
Do you feel threatened about your role in your son’s life, or is this a safety concern that this guy hasn’t been around very long to be taking your son out alone? (I’m not really clear on the amount of time they’ve been dating.)
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Old Today, 12:24 AM
 
Location: Minnesota
2,216 posts, read 1,003,946 times
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How long has this guy really been involved with your ex? I'm sorry but a lot here are cheering for the friendly new boyfriend. In this day and age it would make me suspicious that someone is spending too much alone bonding time with my young son. You need to have a sit down with your ex and talk about you feeling uncomfortable. Is your son uncomfortable? Is he a outspoken kid or is he more timid and shy/quiet? I would find some way to let him know that he can tell you if he feels uncomfortable and is ok with telling his mom too if that is the case. If your son is not ok with spending time with the guy he shouldn't have to.

But you have to keep your cool.
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Old Today, 12:33 AM
 
Location: Scottsdale
1,335 posts, read 665,665 times
Reputation: 2421
Quote:
Originally Posted by maddnotez View Post
Not sure how to approach this one.

Was married for 10 years. Within 1 month after the divorce my ex has a new boyfriend and within a couple of weeks after that she introduced him to my 9 year old son.

After the meet, every time I went to pick up my kid the BF was there. To the point where I had to ask is this guy living with you? No, he's just there all the time.

So now the new BF is trying to do "dad stuff" taking my kid WITHOUT my ex to games and then they were going to build a computer together and doing all this bonding stuff.

So I have a major problem with this because for one she literally just met this guy, as far as I know and for 2 he is not my sons father, I am.

I am not ok with this but I am not sure how to approach this in an adult manner as I get very upset when I think about it.

Any advice?
To me, it's great that you clearly want to maintain a relationship with your son. Divorce is very common, so you are not alone. After divorce, many men just disappear. The "deadbeat dads" are out there. But you are clearly motivated to continue being the dad. So, that is a positive aspect of this situation.

I have no experience with divorce but am often the "surrogate dad" in the aftermath of a divorce for younger relatives because the biological dad doesn't own up to (1) financial responsibilities, (2) becomes parentally alienated and (3) marries again and has new children and only pays attention to that family. That scenario is all too common.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kkcbxjWG9Mc

There must be a reasonable way to resolve the tension. After all, you are all adults. You don't seem to mind that she is seeing a new boyfriend. The relationship with your child is the sensitive issue. The danger to look out for is disciplinary behavior on the part of the boyfriend or stepdad. Make clear what the boundaries are. Sometimes, the stepdad or new boyfriend may be unaware and "cross the line". There are good examples of stepdads out there. But some are also not very good (to say the least).

But the odds are high you may remarry as well. Then the tables could turn. How would your ex feel about a new wife being the stepmom of her child? I think it's time you both talk about these scenarios in a positive proactive way. Best wishes.
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Old Today, 02:48 AM
 
1,698 posts, read 1,141,598 times
Reputation: 3961
Quote:
Originally Posted by maddnotez View Post
Not sure how to approach this one.

Was married for 10 years. Within 1 month after the divorce my ex has a new boyfriend and within a couple of weeks after that she introduced him to my 9 year old son.

After the meet, every time I went to pick up my kid the BF was there. To the point where I had to ask is this guy living with you? No, he's just there all the time.

So now the new BF is trying to do "dad stuff" taking my kid WITHOUT my ex to games and then they were going to build a computer together and doing all this bonding stuff.

So I have a major problem with this because for one she literally just met this guy, as far as I know and for 2 he is not my sons father, I am.

I am not ok with this but I am not sure how to approach this in an adult manner as I get very upset when I think about it.

Any advice?
I would run a background check on the new BF. See if there are any known reasons for concern.

Make sure your son knows that you love him and make yourself available to him. Also, make sure your son knows the divorce wasn't his fault. Kids think everything is about them and can feel rejected when there's a family breakup.
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Old Today, 04:27 AM
 
14,116 posts, read 6,725,057 times
Reputation: 11822
Quote:
Originally Posted by saltine View Post
Let your son know that if anyone makes him feel uncomfortable, to tell you. Remind him again and again. Good luck.
^^^^This

Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran View Post
Actually, I am suspicious about motives of the new BF. Most BFs are not that immediately interested in new GF’s kids. I would make sure your son knows about personal boundaries. Make sure he knows how to say “no” to inappropriate touching, and that he can talk to you about anything.

It might simply be that BF has known your ex for longer than you know, and that he is serious about her. If that is the case, then his interest in your son is more understandable. But kids who become invested in their mom’s BFs, believing that that they truly like them, can be hurt when and if the BF and mom split up. BF, who seemed so interested in them, simply disappears.

There is a lot here. I don’t think OP has enough info to know what is the case. OP needs to make sure that his time with son is sacrosanct, and that it is treated with respect by all parties.
^^^^I was also thinking about the motives of the new BF. Often times, men will choose a single mother with a son because they are interested in the son, not the mother.

We had a similar situation happen in the extended family. New BF was spending a lot of time alone with the son. Let's put it this way---it wasn't a good thing at all.

OP---Please pay attention to silibran's first paragraph. It's important that your son knows about personal boundaries and that he can talk to you about anything. Since he is school age, let him know he can also tell a teacher if something is wrong.
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