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Old 01-07-2020, 12:54 PM
 
14,122 posts, read 6,731,739 times
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To all of you naysayers who think it's being "paranoid" to tell his son that he can come to him with problems/concerns --- Yes, there are good men out there who make great stepfathers. No one is denying that.

However, there are some red flags in this situation. The mother moved too fast in introducing the son to the new boyfriend. This should be a gradual process for various reasons. The mother needs to get to know this man very well before introducing the son. It may turn out that he is a decent guy but as they get to know each other, they find out they are incompatible, then decide to split up. Meanwhile, the son never got to know the man or have a chance to attach. OTOH, after dating long enough they find that they want to continue the relationship, then bring along the son to see how that works out.

How many times does one need to read stories about mothers (or fathers if they have custody) who bring in one new person after another into the house? With every new person, the child is at risk of attaching, only to lose that person. Or, with a male child, one of mom's new partners starts abusing him?

I don't know why so many of you are making light of this whole situation. SMH.

Who knows? It may turn out that the new guy is a great person and is good to the stepson. Or, things can go horribly wrong. If it is the latter, trust me, it's a true nightmare. Either way, the OP needs to get a lawyer and hammer out issues like custody and visitation.
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Old 01-07-2020, 12:54 PM
 
2,158 posts, read 811,429 times
Reputation: 4000
Quote:
Originally Posted by BOS2IAD View Post
I was also thinking about the motives of the new BF. Often times, men will choose a single mother with a son because they are interested in the son, not the mother.

We had a similar situation happen in the extended family. New BF was spending a lot of time alone with the son. Let's put it this way---it wasn't a good thing at all.

I'm with those who thing the new BF's focus on the child is a bit "too much too soon." Also with the suggestion that it wouldn't hurt for the OP to have this guy's background discreetly checked on. If I were in the OP's position, I would.

IMHO it doesn't matter how long the OP's ex has known the guy. Adults can be snowed/fooled/gulled too, you know. Sometimes it takes years, or an accidental slip-up on the part of the unethical party, to find stuff out. (If you doubt that, just ask any person whose spouse was cheating on them for years while they were none the wiser.)
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Old 01-07-2020, 12:58 PM
 
Location: Kentucky
649 posts, read 365,754 times
Reputation: 2601
Note to self:

Ignore girlfriend's kids until the ex gives the approval I so desperately seek...
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Old 01-07-2020, 01:05 PM
 
14,122 posts, read 6,731,739 times
Reputation: 11842
Quote:
Originally Posted by BBCjunkie View Post
I'm with those who thing the new BF's focus on the child is a bit "too much too soon." Also with the suggestion that it wouldn't hurt for the OP to have this guy's background discreetly checked on. If I were in the OP's position, I would.

IMHO it doesn't matter how long the OP's ex has known the guy. Adults can be snowed/fooled/gulled too, you know. Sometimes it takes years, or an accidental slip-up on the part of the unethical party, to find stuff out. (If you doubt that, just ask any person whose spouse was cheating on them for years while they were none the wiser.)
^^^^I repped your post. Very well said!

Having the new BF's background discreetly checked is an excellent idea. It can be done without the ex and the BF ever knowing. IMO, it's money well spent.
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Old 01-07-2020, 03:04 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
24,379 posts, read 15,744,402 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BBCjunkie View Post
I'm with those who thing the new BF's focus on the child is a bit "too much too soon." Also with the suggestion that it wouldn't hurt for the OP to have this guy's background discreetly checked on. If I were in the OP's position, I would.

IMHO it doesn't matter how long the OP's ex has known the guy. Adults can be snowed/fooled/gulled too, you know. Sometimes it takes years, or an accidental slip-up on the part of the unethical party, to find stuff out. (If you doubt that, just ask any person whose spouse was cheating on them for years while they were none the wiser.)
I agree that BF should be quietly checked out. The OP does not know what he does not know.

I do agree that the length of involvement with GF is not, by itself, meaningful. It is but factor to consider.

I would really like to hear from OP again.
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Old 01-07-2020, 03:27 PM
 
12,878 posts, read 5,174,012 times
Reputation: 31216
Quote:
Originally Posted by BOS2IAD View Post
To all of you naysayers who think it's being "paranoid" to tell his son that he can come to him with problems/concerns --- Yes, there are good men out there who make great stepfathers. No one is denying that.

However, there are some red flags in this situation. The mother moved too fast in introducing the son to the new boyfriend. This should be a gradual process for various reasons. The mother needs to get to know this man very well before introducing the son. It may turn out that he is a decent guy but as they get to know each other, they find out they are incompatible, then decide to split up. Meanwhile, the son never got to know the man or have a chance to attach. OTOH, after dating long enough they find that they want to continue the relationship, then bring along the son to see how that works out.

How many times does one need to read stories about mothers (or fathers if they have custody) who bring in one new person after another into the house? With every new person, the child is at risk of attaching, only to lose that person. Or, with a male child, one of mom's new partners starts abusing him?

I don't know why so many of you are making light of this whole situation. SMH.

Who knows? It may turn out that the new guy is a great person and is good to the stepson. Or, things can go horribly wrong. If it is the latter, trust me, it's a true nightmare. Either way, the OP needs to get a lawyer and hammer out issues like custody and visitation.
I agree with you that it's wise to keep your eyes wide open with new partners when you have children because yes, there are some predators out there.

The mother dated him "weeks" before introducing him, and maybe knew him for a very long time, we don't know.

The OP doesn't seem to be expressing concern that this man will be a danger to his son; rather, that they will form a strong, loving bond which the OP wants to prevent.
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Old 01-07-2020, 03:37 PM
 
14,122 posts, read 6,731,739 times
Reputation: 11842
Quote:
Originally Posted by raggedjim View Post
Note to self:

Ignore girlfriend's kids until the ex gives the approval I so desperately seek...
If you are dating a woman who has children, you shouldn't be in a rush to meet the kids. You and their mother should first get to know one another to learn if you are truly compatible and want to take the relationship further. You, in particular, need to be 100% certain that you are willing to be with a woman who already has children and you want to be a part of their lives.

If you both decide that you want to stay together, that's when you meet the kids. Once you meet them, you need to realize that it would take them some time to warm up to you. When everybody is on the same page, then if you want a "Brady Bunch" type of situation, then proceed to make it happen.

Of course the OP has concerns about his ex bringing another man into her home that quickly. The OP is right to have those concerns, too.
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Old 01-07-2020, 04:11 PM
 
12,878 posts, read 5,174,012 times
Reputation: 31216
Quote:
Originally Posted by BOS2IAD View Post
If you are dating a woman who has children, you shouldn't be in a rush to meet the kids. You and their mother should first get to know one another to learn if you are truly compatible and want to take the relationship further. You, in particular, need to be 100% certain that you are willing to be with a woman who already has children and you want to be a part of their lives.

If you both decide that you want to stay together, that's when you meet the kids. Once you meet them, you need to realize that it would take them some time to warm up to you. When everybody is on the same page, then if you want a "Brady Bunch" type of situation, then proceed to make it happen.

Of course the OP has concerns about his ex bringing another man into her home that quickly. The OP is right to have those concerns, too.
I think your process is a little off.

You can't possibly make the decision that you want to "stay together" before meeting the kids.

You have to meet the kids first. How MANY men (and women) say I love the woman but I can't stand her son. Lots.
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Old 01-07-2020, 04:28 PM
 
14,122 posts, read 6,731,739 times
Reputation: 11842
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
I think your process is a little off.

You can't possibly make the decision that you want to "stay together" before meeting the kids.

You have to meet the kids first. How MANY men (and women) say I love the woman but I can't stand her son. Lots.
Okay. Good point. It may well be that once he meets the kids, things can go south very quickly. If that happens, then it's best to end things before the kids get attached.

I stand corrected.
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Old 01-07-2020, 05:43 PM
 
4,439 posts, read 4,058,398 times
Reputation: 12643
It is extremely easy to look up online whether someone is a sex offender or not. You can look by the person's name, and by the locale. It's also easy to look up whether someone has a criminal record in your state.

And yes, men who want to sexually molest little boys do go after single mothers with young boys. But it sounds to me as if your fear is being displaced by this man being nice to your son, not that he is going to molest him.
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