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Old 01-07-2020, 05:52 PM
 
4,919 posts, read 2,120,645 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
I agree with you that it's wise to keep your eyes wide open with new partners when you have children because yes, there are some predators out there.

The mother dated him "weeks" before introducing him, and maybe knew him for a very long time, we don't know.

The OP doesn't seem to be expressing concern that this man will be a danger to his son; rather, that they will form a strong, loving bond which the OP wants to prevent.
The OP said that the guy officially became a boyfriend weeks after the divorce was finalized. It’s quite possible they were seeing each other before the divorce was final, but I seriously doubt that the wife would have introduced him to their child before then. I have friends who dated before their divorces were finalized, but they did not introduce the significant others to the children until the divorces were finalized because it was not appropriate. If the divorce takes a year or two, are people really supposed to sit around doing nothing that whole time?
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Old 01-07-2020, 06:27 PM
 
4,934 posts, read 1,294,104 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post
What a shame you did not include some provisions in your custody decree. I had to add that no non-family member was to care for our children alone without our express permission in advance. On both sides.

It's pretty standard language I think. Perhaps you could go back to court and get it revised?

In any case, if they officially become a family, this guy may end up spending much more influential time with your son than you will. Hopefully you have 50/50 shared custody so that won't happen.
Boilerplate to one attorney is an unfathomable request to another. You'd be surprised in the difference of opinions you can get in a single city block.
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Old 01-07-2020, 06:41 PM
 
14,152 posts, read 6,743,907 times
Reputation: 11884
Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
It is extremely easy to look up online whether someone is a sex offender or not. You can look by the person's name, and by the locale. It's also easy to look up whether someone has a criminal record in your state.

And yes, men who want to sexually molest little boys do go after single mothers with young boys. But it sounds to me as if your fear is being displaced by this man being nice to your son, not that he is going to molest him.
Not all pedophiles have come to the attention of law enforcement. Thus, someone may have a clean record because none of his victims have come forward.

I wouldn't be so dismissive of such concerns.

Last edited by BOS2IAD; 01-07-2020 at 07:24 PM..
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Old 01-07-2020, 06:48 PM
 
1,129 posts, read 319,323 times
Reputation: 2767
Quote:
Originally Posted by BBCjunkie View Post
I'm with those who thing the new BF's focus on the child is a bit "too much too soon." Also with the suggestion that it wouldn't hurt for the OP to have this guy's background discreetly checked on. If I were in the OP's position, I would.

IMHO it doesn't matter how long the OP's ex has known the guy. Adults can be snowed/fooled/gulled too, you know. Sometimes it takes years, or an accidental slip-up on the part of the unethical party, to find stuff out. (If you doubt that, just ask any person whose spouse was cheating on them for years while they were none the wiser.)
While the bold statement is true to an extent, that would mean that it really would probably never be okay to introduce the kids. Or for any of us to ever enter into any kind of romantic relationship. Sometimes you do have to just trust other people.

Now, yes, based on OP's timeline this is probably too soon. However, OP has to realize he is not only an outsider but in some ways an adversary. So, he may not be privy to the whole story. It's very possible the ex has not only know but has fostered at the very least a platonic friendship for some time with the boyfriend. He would need to talk to the ex to know this for sure.

While safety could be an issue, that isn't what OP is focused on in his posts. His main issue is he's having a hard time checking his ego right now.
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Old 01-07-2020, 08:50 PM
 
16,477 posts, read 18,531,720 times
Reputation: 16350
Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
It is extremely easy to look up online whether someone is a sex offender or not. You can look by the person's name, and by the locale. It's also easy to look up whether someone has a criminal record in your state.

And yes, men who want to sexually molest little boys do go after single mothers with young boys. But it sounds to me as if your fear is being displaced by this man being nice to your son, not that he is going to molest him.
If he has been caught. You cannot look up someone who has never been caught. The registry gives people a false sense of security.
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Old 01-07-2020, 11:11 PM
 
1,217 posts, read 351,856 times
Reputation: 3149
Quote:
Originally Posted by 5-all View Post
I would run a background check on the new BF. See if there are any known reasons for concern.

Make sure your son knows that you love him and make yourself available to him. Also, make sure your son knows the divorce wasn't his fault. Kids think everything is about them and can feel rejected when there's a family breakup.
That what I would do. Background, social media check, etc. PI? - especially if the guy moved around..
You can deal with your own justified emotions, but it be easier on you if you know that the guy has an unblemished background.

You could ask your ex nicely to please, not to leave your son alone with the guy - say it makes it uncomfortable for you as you worry for the safety of your son.
He is not even a teenager...

Are you strong enough to meet the guy? I think you should. Trust your gut feeling? Or not?
It is regrettable but legal that new people come and go into the life of a child of divorced parents at will...

Hopefully the new BF is genuinely nice.
However, there were quite a few cases when predators intentionally hook up with women with children that they intend to groom...
I would try to keep tabs on your ex BF for now...your son should feel open to tell you about possible gifts, etc from a BF.
Look for drastic change in your son’s behavior, etc...
You could be in your ex situation one day with a new woman in your life...

Last edited by Nik4me; 01-07-2020 at 11:26 PM..
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Old 01-08-2020, 10:19 AM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
24,457 posts, read 15,775,220 times
Reputation: 35968
Where is the OP?
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Old 01-08-2020, 01:51 PM
 
7,660 posts, read 4,248,912 times
Reputation: 15923
I would be concerned with someone who is basically a stranger, begin alone w/your son. I'm surprised that your ex is okay with that, too. (Doing stuff w/your son, though...that's going to happen. Get used to it. He will probably have a stepfather eventually, and spend more time w/him than w/you.)

I'd run a background check on him pronto. You need his full name & dob. You can do that online for probably less than $50. I'd check for a criminal background, and job history & general information. Just to make sure he is who he says he is, and there's no criminal element there. I wouldn't tell the ex. None of her business. How you get his DOB can be tricky, but surely you can get the full name from your ex, since it's reasonable to expect to know the full name of anyone taking your son alone somewhere.

Maybe the background check will ease your mind somewhat. It will check criminal history, whether he's on a sex registry list, maybe even his driving record (depending on your state). There are many things to consider when someone takes a child somewhere. You want to be sure you know the person, he has a good driving record, his vehicle is fully insured, and that he's a responsible adult with a stable work history, etc. What if he were to get in an accident and didn't have enough ins. to pay for your son's injuries? These are reasonable concerns.

After all this is cleared, have a talk w/your wife about parameters of strangers being alone with your son. This bf will probably go away at some point, but there will be another.
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Old 01-08-2020, 03:03 PM
 
1,129 posts, read 319,323 times
Reputation: 2767
Quote:
Originally Posted by bpollen View Post
He will probably have a stepfather eventually, and spend more time w/him than w/you.)
Why?
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Old 01-08-2020, 03:38 PM
 
4,934 posts, read 1,294,104 times
Reputation: 5787
Quote:
Originally Posted by djsuperfly View Post
Why?
What is implied is that there is a real chance the BF may marry the ex-GF.

Also implying if the mother gets more time w/ child than the bio father does, this would also mean, if the BF/stepdad is present, technically more time will be spent with him than bio dad.
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