U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 01-08-2020, 03:41 PM
 
5,635 posts, read 6,934,720 times
Reputation: 9357

Advertisements

I don't think doing a background check on the guy is necessarily a bad thing. That said, it really does sound like you are just jealous that this guy gets to spend more time with your son than you do. And he very well might. What was the custody arrangement you agreed to? If you want more time with your son, then see about modifying the agreement. But if he is going to be spending so much time with your son, then be glad he seems engaged and interested.

And I agree with the others that it is entirely possible that you wife had known this guy longer than you think.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 01-08-2020, 03:56 PM
 
1,129 posts, read 319,323 times
Reputation: 2767
Quote:
Originally Posted by ddm2k View Post
What is implied is that there is a real chance the BF may marry the ex-GF.

Also implying if the mother gets more time w/ child than the bio father does, this would also mean, if the BF/stepdad is present, technically more time will be spent with him than bio dad.
Is this still a thing now, though. Everyone I know divorced recently has 50/50 split.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-08-2020, 04:17 PM
 
4,934 posts, read 1,294,104 times
Reputation: 5787
Quote:
Originally Posted by djsuperfly View Post
Is this still a thing now, though. Everyone I know divorced recently has 50/50 split.
I must say the same for RECENT rulings.

My parents were never married to each other at any point in their lives, but the custody ruling in the early 1990s was that I was to see my dad on weekends. Every weekend, not every other.

He later lamented that "the only reason custody wasn't 50/50" (pure speculation by his attorney, I'm sure, you can't read a judge's mind) was that I was not "legitimized" - what ever that means.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-08-2020, 04:20 PM
 
14,152 posts, read 6,743,907 times
Reputation: 11884
Quote:
Originally Posted by bpollen View Post
I would be concerned with someone who is basically a stranger, begin alone w/your son. I'm surprised that your ex is okay with that, too. (Doing stuff w/your son, though...that's going to happen. Get used to it. He will probably have a stepfather eventually, and spend more time w/him than w/you.)

I'd run a background check on him pronto. You need his full name & dob. You can do that online for probably less than $50. I'd check for a criminal background, and job history & general information. Just to make sure he is who he says he is, and there's no criminal element there. I wouldn't tell the ex. None of her business. How you get his DOB can be tricky, but surely you can get the full name from your ex, since it's reasonable to expect to know the full name of anyone taking your son alone somewhere.

Maybe the background check will ease your mind somewhat. It will check criminal history, whether he's on a sex registry list, maybe even his driving record (depending on your state). There are many things to consider when someone takes a child somewhere. You want to be sure you know the person, he has a good driving record, his vehicle is fully insured, and that he's a responsible adult with a stable work history, etc. What if he were to get in an accident and didn't have enough ins. to pay for your son's injuries? These are reasonable concerns.

After all this is cleared, have a talk w/your wife about parameters of strangers being alone with your son. This bf will probably go away at some point, but there will be another.
^^^^Good Advice.

Just wanted to add that you don't necessarily need the BF's DOB, unless he has a really common name like "John Smith". Even with a common name, when doing an online check, when the list of all the possible John Smiths comes up, you can remove many by process of elimination. This is done by weeding out those in other states, or the ones who are older than the BF. At that point, you will still have some possibilities.

If there are still some possibilities, when paying for the background check, you are given the option of just paying for one report or having access for 1 month with unlimited background checks during that time frame. The latter option is cheaper than hiring a PI.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-08-2020, 09:46 PM
 
27,372 posts, read 34,269,046 times
Reputation: 35196
Quote:
Originally Posted by maddnotez View Post
In a sense that is correct to both.

I do not feel guilty for leaving HER but yes I feel guilty that I left my son. With the situation that we were in I feel it was the best route for him. I would not say that I am jealous. However I do not feel it is appropriate some of the things that are happening that I mentioned. My son being with this person who is essentially a stranger, without his mother being present and doing "bonding" type things I do not feel is ok.

I will say this respectfully to you and to anyone who reads this. I am not looking for marriage advice and I am definitely not looking to discuss the what you should have dones or this, that and the other.

I posted this on another forum that I joined and was literally attacked by bitter ex wives for getting a divorce and having an opinion about my own son. I am not looking for opinions of my divorce or my ex wife or anything else at all. I am simply looking for best strategies on the best ways to bring my concern to her/him/them as I would like to do it respectfully without any drama.
I am with you 100%. My ex and I split when our son was 5. I didn't date anyone for SEVEN years and even then, they didn't meet my son until things had progressed enough where I knew he would be around for a while. Hell I didn't have time to date anyway - too busy raising my son! I don't understand why people let their kids meet someone that is not yet known to be a solid relationship. I guess I am just old-fashioned.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-09-2020, 06:12 AM
 
4,919 posts, read 2,120,645 times
Reputation: 9755
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChessieMom View Post
I am with you 100%. My ex and I split when our son was 5. I didn't date anyone for SEVEN years and even then, they didn't meet my son until things had progressed enough where I knew he would be around for a while. Hell I didn't have time to date anyway - too busy raising my son! I don't understand why people let their kids meet someone that is not yet known to be a solid relationship. I guess I am just old-fashioned.
I think (reasonably) that parents don’t want to commit to people who aren’t going to get along well with their child(ren). I had one friend who moved to be with a long-distance boyfriend (she had known the guy for years) and when she found out that he did not get along with her twentysomething adult son, with whom she is very close, it ended very quickly. If she had introduced them earlier on, her life would be pretty different right now. It’s even worse with younger kids. I have friends who moved in with significant others pretty quickly, but the kids got along great with the SO. These days most people have 50/50 custody and there is no reason why people need to put the rest of their lives on hold because they are raising children.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-09-2020, 07:45 AM
 
27,372 posts, read 34,269,046 times
Reputation: 35196
Quote:
Originally Posted by RamenAddict View Post
These days most people have 50/50 custody and there is no reason why people need to put the rest of their lives on hold because they are raising children.
We had joint custody, but son lived with me the majority of the time. I never "put my life on hold". Those years that I spent focused on my son were the absolute best years of my life.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-09-2020, 08:19 AM
 
Location: Holly Springs, NC
1,469 posts, read 842,907 times
Reputation: 2378
Quote:
Originally Posted by djsuperfly View Post
Is this still a thing now, though. Everyone I know divorced recently has 50/50 split.
In order to get a 50/50 split one either needs to be rational with the ex (i.e. has the brains to handle an emotional situation rationally) or needs to be smart enough to hire a good attorney to fight for it.

Sounds like the OP has neither. His divorce decree should spell out exactly what happens when one party introduces a stranger.

In any event, posters like the OP scream troll...drop a touchy subject as a first post, let the regulars fight it out, then disappear.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-09-2020, 09:07 AM
 
4 posts, read 506 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by maddnotez View Post
In a sense that is correct to both.

I do not feel guilty for leaving HER but yes I feel guilty that I left my son. With the situation that we were in I feel it was the best route for him. I would not say that I am jealous. However I do not feel it is appropriate some of the things that are happening that I mentioned. My son being with this person who is essentially a stranger, without his mother being present and doing "bonding" type things I do not feel is ok.

I will say this respectfully to you and to anyone who reads this. I am not looking for marriage advice and I am definitely not looking to discuss the what you should have dones or this, that and the other.

I posted this on another forum that I joined and was literally attacked by bitter ex wives for getting a divorce and having an opinion about my own son. I am not looking for opinions of my divorce or my ex wife or anything else at all. I am simply looking for best strategies on the best ways to bring my concern to her/him/them as I would like to do it respectfully without any drama.
First please run a backround check on him It will only cost you a few bucks and could be well worth it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-09-2020, 09:36 AM
 
Location: Florida
11,829 posts, read 5,523,306 times
Reputation: 24454
Quote:
Originally Posted by maddnotez View Post
Not sure how to approach this one.

Was married for 10 years. Within 1 month after the divorce my ex has a new boyfriend and within a couple of weeks after that she introduced him to my 9 year old son.

After the meet, every time I went to pick up my kid the BF was there. To the point where I had to ask is this guy living with you? No, he's just there all the time.

So now the new BF is trying to do "dad stuff" taking my kid WITHOUT my ex to games and then they were going to build a computer together and doing all this bonding stuff.

So I have a major problem with this because for one she literally just met this guy, as far as I know and for 2 he is not my sons father, I am.

I am not ok with this but I am not sure how to approach this in an adult manner as I get very upset when I think about it.

Any advice?
I may be in the minority here but the above would be a red flag for me. Have you done a background check on this guy? I would not be comfortable with the above situation so soon in the relationship.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2020, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top