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Old Yesterday, 12:59 PM
 
4 posts, read 1,411 times
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Not sure how to approach this one.

Was married for 10 years. Within 1 month after the divorce my ex has a new boyfriend and within a couple of weeks after that she introduced him to my 9 year old son.

After the meet, every time I went to pick up my kid the BF was there. To the point where I had to ask is this guy living with you? No, he's just there all the time.

So now the new BF is trying to do "dad stuff" taking my kid WITHOUT my ex to games and then they were going to build a computer together and doing all this bonding stuff.

So I have a major problem with this because for one she literally just met this guy, as far as I know and for 2 he is not my sons father, I am.

I am not ok with this but I am not sure how to approach this in an adult manner as I get very upset when I think about it.

Any advice?
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Old Yesterday, 01:12 PM
 
1,260 posts, read 473,774 times
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Did you and your wife establish guidelines how when/how to introduce new relationships to your son? That's, kinda, Divorce 101 stuff.
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Old Yesterday, 01:21 PM
 
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I understand your concerns. Sadly to say, you have no control over how your ex handles her new b/f's relationship with your son. The only thing you can do is keep the lines of communication open with your son so he will talk to you about any issues he has with the b/f. I was divorced with a son and did not like my ex's live in woman but still had to let my son have weekend visits. That's often the price we pay for our children when we decide to divorce. Unless there is evidence of safety and/or abuse, there is nothing you can do about your concern. Please don't create emotional issues for your son by discussing how you feel with him. I wish the best for all of you.
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Old Yesterday, 01:26 PM
 
4 posts, read 1,411 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gus2 View Post
Did you and your wife establish guidelines how when/how to introduce new relationships to your son? That's, kinda, Divorce 101 stuff.
We did not have strict guidelines no. It was briefly discussed and what we did talk about was a very long time frame before something like this were to happen. It was not added to divorce decree and I did not think it would ever be an issue.



Quote:
Originally Posted by blondiel View Post
I understand your concerns. Sadly to say, you have no control over how your ex handles her new b/f's relationship with your son. The only thing you can do is keep the lines of communication open with your son so he will talk to you about any issues he has with the b/f. I was divorced with a son and did not like my ex's live in woman but still had to let my son have weekend visits. That's often the price we pay for our children when we decide to divorce. Unless there is evidence of safety and/or abuse, there is nothing you can do about your concern. Please don't create emotional issues for your son by discussing how you feel with him. I wish the best for all of you.
Yeah, I have no intentions talking to my son about this. But I do intend to talk to the BF or the ex or both. Just looking for an appropriate way to do so as my instinctual thoughts on how to proceed are not ok.
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Old Yesterday, 02:07 PM
 
Location: Bloomington IN
6,802 posts, read 8,220,786 times
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Here is an alternate way to think about it: what if your ex was to marry this man? He would be your son's stepfather. Would you rather your son have a stepfather that is engaged with him or a stepfather that ignores him completely? Sure sons and fathers should do things together, but father's don't necessarily have the exclusive right for some activities.

I think what's popping up here is guilt (not being with your son full-time) and jealousy. I'm generally of the opinion that the more people that love and care about a child the better.
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Old Yesterday, 02:24 PM
 
4 posts, read 1,411 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rrah View Post
I think what's popping up here is guilt (not being with your son full-time) and jealousy. I'm generally of the opinion that the more people that love and care about a child the better.
In a sense that is correct to both.

I do not feel guilty for leaving HER but yes I feel guilty that I left my son. With the situation that we were in I feel it was the best route for him. I would not say that I am jealous. However I do not feel it is appropriate some of the things that are happening that I mentioned. My son being with this person who is essentially a stranger, without his mother being present and doing "bonding" type things I do not feel is ok.

I will say this respectfully to you and to anyone who reads this. I am not looking for marriage advice and I am definitely not looking to discuss the what you should have dones or this, that and the other.

I posted this on another forum that I joined and was literally attacked by bitter ex wives for getting a divorce and having an opinion about my own son. I am not looking for opinions of my divorce or my ex wife or anything else at all. I am simply looking for best strategies on the best ways to bring my concern to her/him/them as I would like to do it respectfully without any drama.
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Old Yesterday, 02:30 PM
 
Location: Herndon, VA
2,172 posts, read 2,272,432 times
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You should be glad the new BF is taking an interest in your son and leave it at that. Always ask your son how it's going and trust what he says, etc, but don't play the bitter ex-husband trying to make life miserable for your ex-wife.
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Old Yesterday, 02:55 PM
 
1,324 posts, read 1,422,450 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by maddnotez View Post
We did not have strict guidelines no. It was briefly discussed and what we did talk about was a very long time frame before something like this were to happen. It was not added to divorce decree and I did not think it would ever be an issue.





Yeah, I have no intentions talking to my son about this. But I do intend to talk to the BF or the ex or both. Just looking for an appropriate way to do so as my instinctual thoughts on how to proceed are not ok.
Again, I understand. Have you considered just letting it go? Other than your own concerns, you have nothing to complain about. You can't tell your ex or her bf what to do. At least now you know some of what is going on with your son and her bf. Do you want to create a situation where your son is not communicating with you about his relationship with the new bf? Please don't put him in that position. Your ex may have other boyfriends and you may have girlfriends whom she doesn't like. Would you like for her to tell you that you are making poor judgements about your son and your g/f without concrete evidence? Regardless of what you say to either or both your ex and/or her b/f you can't stop his relationship with your son. No need to p-iss them off. As long as your son is happy, does the b/f really matter? I don't know the age of your son, but you do know that at some point, children can decide that they don't want to spend time with the absent parent? Just suggesting, proceed cautiously.
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Old Yesterday, 03:04 PM
 
12,864 posts, read 5,162,079 times
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This is what happens in divorce, and few people realize it before the divorce is final.

You're not in control of who your son is with, unless you suspect and there is evidence that there is an inappropriate relationship or abuse going on.

Any attempt by you to keep your ex's new partners from interacting positively with your son won't end well for your team. Your son will resent it, and he will have a lesser quality life.

You need to be a lot more selfless about this, and be grateful that this guy is one of a very rare breed that doesn't wish their partner's male children would just disappear, and they spend most of their time together picking at perceived faults in the child and moaning that the boy is too close to the mom.

This man is NOT a stranger to your son. He practically lives with him.
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Old Yesterday, 03:05 PM
 
17,403 posts, read 15,194,831 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by maddnotez View Post
In a sense that is correct to both.

I do not feel guilty for leaving HER but yes I feel guilty that I left my son. With the situation that we were in I feel it was the best route for him. I would not say that I am jealous. However I do not feel it is appropriate some of the things that are happening that I mentioned. My son being with this person who is essentially a stranger, without his mother being present and doing "bonding" type things I do not feel is ok.

I will say this respectfully to you and to anyone who reads this. I am not looking for marriage advice and I am definitely not looking to discuss the what you should have dones or this, that and the other.

I posted this on another forum that I joined and was literally attacked by bitter ex wives for getting a divorce and having an opinion about my own son. I am not looking for opinions of my divorce or my ex wife or anything else at all. I am simply looking for best strategies on the best ways to bring my concern to her/him/them as I would like to do it respectfully without any drama.
What a shame you did not include some provisions in your custody decree. I had to add that no non-family member was to care for our children alone without our express permission in advance. On both sides.

It's pretty standard language I think. Perhaps you could go back to court and get it revised?

In any case, if they officially become a family, this guy may end up spending much more influential time with your son than you will. Hopefully you have 50/50 shared custody so that won't happen.
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