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Old 01-15-2020, 01:40 PM
 
2,237 posts, read 2,660,676 times
Reputation: 1836

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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChessieMom View Post
NO.

OP ignore that.

It WILL change, I promise. Stick to your plan of making new/fun activities on your nights. My son was 5 when his father and I split, and he would literally cry all the way to the car when his dad came to pick him up. I felt awful and obviously so did his dad. He just loved being with mom in the new house with his nice new bedroom...it had nothing to do with not loving his dad. But eventually it passed. It will for you too. Best of luck!
Awe thank you so much for your reply. This response has made me feel better about the whole ordeal.The change in living arrangements are tough enough without the fact that my daughter would rather stay at her mom's place over mine. May I ask, how long did it take your son to become ok with his father picking him up?
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Old 01-15-2020, 01:59 PM
 
8,381 posts, read 3,060,792 times
Reputation: 19222
Quote:
Originally Posted by wac_432 View Post
This totally reminds me of the tale of King Soloman suggesting that a baby be cut in half so each person can have an equal share. Ideally, both you and your ex should do what is best for your kid, which is to include the other parent in their life as much as possible, no matter how much you hate each other's guts.

If your ex is a selfish ****heel who wants to cut you out of her daughter's life for spite, don't wreck your kid's life further by emulating her bad behavior. All I read in your posts so far is "me me me." Yeah, maybe it's in response to your ex being awful, but the end result of divorced parents both fighting for their own rights and both disregarding what is best for the child is a ****ed-up child/hood.

Put your daughter's needs first, even if your ex doesn't. I'm sorry you are in this situation. It is rough. But I've got more sympathy for the hapless 4-year-old caught in the middle of the mess her parents have made than I have for the grown-ass man.


You know what? This guy came here asking for advice, and has been pretty receptive. He's going through a lot of pain, which is understandable. He's been pretty open to the advice being given. Why poop on him?
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Old 01-15-2020, 02:03 PM
 
27,424 posts, read 34,313,301 times
Reputation: 35309
Quote:
Originally Posted by jaredC View Post
Awe thank you so much for your reply. This response has made me feel better about the whole ordeal.The change in living arrangements are tough enough without the fact that my daughter would rather stay at her mom's place over mine. May I ask, how long did it take your son to become ok with his father picking him up?
It was several weeks. I don’t remember exactly, but it took a while. I want to say that within a couple of months he was used to the new routine. But man it really was hard...I felt bad for my son and I felt bad for my ex. It was a heartbreaking time...I hated it, but I did a lot of talking with my son to help him get through that difficult time - we were very close. Still are, over 20 years later. . My son doesn’t even remember those times...seems like we just talked about that not too long ago and he really has no memory of it. I think it hurt us more than him.
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Old 01-15-2020, 02:08 PM
 
8,381 posts, read 3,060,792 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jaredC View Post
I couldn’t agree more! She sees her cousins daily and often spends full days with them every single week. She doesn’t have as much contact with my side of the family due to the distance between us, although she does get to spend a weekend here and there with them. Unfortunately, the balance is grossly inaccurate between both sides. I thought it was asinine to forgo picking up my daughter because she wanted more play sessions with her cousins. I also think, maybe giving her too much of a choice to either stay or go with me is setting the situation up for behavior problems down the road.

Yeah...I was one of those people who kinda sorta suggested letting your daughter have more play time.


On first read of your first post, I didn't completely understand the situation. I didn't completely understand that she's with these folks everyday all day for a week at a time.


I'm sorry I misunderstood.


I agree with you that it's not a good idea to give her too much flex time, or choice in whether she goes with you or not. You get her 50% of the time...as you should. I'd hate for you to turn into a fade-away-dad.
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Old 01-15-2020, 02:32 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
18,091 posts, read 18,527,524 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
No, no no keep doing what you're doing while adding the extra activity together at pick-up.

I wouldn't make a habit of taking her shopping for an item each time (if ever, other than special occasions) because you could create a monster that way.

The park, the zoo, a cool walking trail, a trip downtown, etc whatever are all fun activities to SHARE with her. Time is the most important thing.

I totally understand that rejection feeling, but you have to work hard not to take it personally. This is a phase, and this will change. You will always be her dad, and consistency with your time is the best way to maintain that.
Great post.

My niece and her husband started "family nights" every week when their sons were preschoolers. The sons are now young teenagers and still look forward to "family game night" and "family movie night", etc.

Your family (you and your daughter) could do something special like that, too, craft activities, making & decorating cookies, playing catch together, going to the library, playing in the park, are all fun, special activities that are free or low cost.

I would also encourage spending more time with your side of the family. If you and your daughter can't see them very often try Skyping or Facetiming once a week to keep up the relationship. When my grandchildren were young (three and four) I often read books to them or sang songs or did fingerplays together over Skype. They live 2,000 miles away and I only saw them once (maybe twice) a year at that time, but Skyping still keep our bonds strong.
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Old 01-15-2020, 03:00 PM
 
2,237 posts, read 2,660,676 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy View Post
You know what? This guy came here asking for advice, and has been pretty receptive. He's going through a lot of pain, which is understandable. He's been pretty open to the advice being given. Why poop on him?
I truly appreciate that, thank you!
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Old 01-15-2020, 03:04 PM
 
2,237 posts, read 2,660,676 times
Reputation: 1836
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChessieMom View Post


It was several weeks. I don’t remember exactly, but it took a while. I want to say that within a couple of months he was used to the new routine. But man it really was hard...I felt bad for my son and I felt bad for my ex. It was a heartbreaking time...I hated it, but I did a lot of talking with my son to help him get through that difficult time - we were very close. Still are, over 20 years later. . My son doesn’t even remember those times...seems like we just talked about that not too long ago and he really has no memory of it. I think it hurt us more than him.
Ok, so it didn’t take too long for him to acclimate and eventually he started to come around. This is good and further lifts my spirits! Thank you again for the replies.
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Old 01-15-2020, 03:11 PM
 
2,237 posts, read 2,660,676 times
Reputation: 1836
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy View Post
Yeah...I was one of those people who kinda sorta suggested letting your daughter have more play time.


On first read of your first post, I didn't completely understand the situation. I didn't completely understand that she's with these folks everyday all day for a week at a time.


I'm sorry I misunderstood.


I agree with you that it's not a good idea to give her too much flex time, or choice in whether she goes with you or not. You get her 50% of the time...as you should. I'd hate for you to turn into a fade-away-dad.
No it’s ok. My situation is fairly...unusual maybe. But one thing is for sure. I love my daughter and would never become a fade away parent. I don’t think I could ever do that.
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Old 01-15-2020, 03:58 PM
 
8,381 posts, read 3,060,792 times
Reputation: 19222
I'd like to make a suggestion...


It might be a good idea to check out a book or two on early childhood development. Just so that you have some insights on why your child does what she does, and that what she does is typical for someone her age.


You daughter will drive you bonkers sometimes. LOL To be forewarned, is to be forearmed. lol
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Old 01-15-2020, 04:16 PM
 
Location: Pittsburgh, Hilly South, Land of Doors
1,491 posts, read 762,756 times
Reputation: 1881
Sorry about your situation.

Always think of your kids first. I've been where you are. Give her space, she will come back to you. It may take a few months or years. Don't give up. Be respectful and kind to her mom. And to your daughter. Keep working hard and being loving to her. She will see this and come back to you. I guarantee it. Good luck.
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