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Old 01-15-2020, 04:09 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
46,438 posts, read 44,743,108 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eschaton View Post

FWIW, I don't think this is so much a thing about puberty, as it is a function of my wife's personality. She's just one of those people who's naturally ornery, along with being someone who tends to have a hard time making big decisions. The more she feels like she's being pressured into doing something before she's "ready" the more she clamps down and refuses to budge at all. She also can be very thin skinned regarding criticism, and I wonder if she feels like I'm implicitly criticizing her for not doing it yet.

In a lot of circumstances, I've just given up, and let things run on the schedule she's comfortable with (even if it frustrates me, like her taking years to tell me where I can set up an aquarium, or when our daughter is allowed to see a movie). But in this particular case, there's kinda a clock ticking independently of what I or even my daughter would want.
Yes, it's a "bigger picture" thing.

It's a shame she's so controlling. That's often a sign of great anxiety, as you've observed, but it's not right for her to hold YOU hostage throughout your marriage just because she's insecure about making decisions. It's like you can't even be an adult in your own home.

So the good news is that you recognize this tendency of hers. The way you talk to her does make a difference, as you know. You could say things like, "I see what you're saying. Have you considered this?" You can let her know that this kind of thing makes you feel like she doesn't trust you as a parent. That's a non-confrontational way to describe it to her.

The main goal is to be sure your daughter is informed about what she is soon to experience, assuming she hasn't already started.

But a side effect of achieving that goal is getting to a better place with your wife in terms of communication.
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Old 01-15-2020, 04:14 PM
 
Location: Florida
2,498 posts, read 1,086,846 times
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You better pray that your wife steps up and discusses this with your daughter OP, because we both know if she doesn’t SOMEONE ELSE WILL!
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Old 01-15-2020, 04:36 PM
 
8,381 posts, read 3,060,792 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
Wow. I feel for you. Your wife is out-of-line. She should either have a specific talk, along with showing your daughter where supplies are kept and how to handle them - OR - she should let you talk to your daughter.

She needs to know, asap. There is no time to waste.

She needs to be told that if it happens at school to go to the nurse (or carry a pad with her just in case) - and if it happens at a friend's house to call you.

There should be no mystery or shame about this at all. It's just educational so your daughter is not blind sighted and is prepared for this natural change.

I agree with all of this.


Personally, I think you can approach you daughter on the subject. I would ask her if she read the book you gave her, on puberty. I'm thinking she probably has...we all are curious about ourselves. If she answers in the affirmative, just say something like "Good, I just don't want you to be caught off guard with some of the changes you'll be going through...especially your period." And then, unless she has questions, leave it there. She might not want to go into a lot of detail with her dad.


If she says she HASN'T read the book, well...it's pretty much the same discussion mostly. "Honey, I just want you to know what's going on with your body, so when you have your first period, you know and understand what's happening." And that's it.


And make sure she has the stuff she'll need. And maybe suggest she keep a pad or a tampon in her purse at all times, so she's not completely caught off guard.


She might be embarrassed having this convo with her dad...but she'll get over it, and it's way better than not understanding what's happening to her.
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Old 01-15-2020, 04:45 PM
 
6,857 posts, read 1,859,464 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eschaton View Post
Hey guys.

My wife and I have two kids. Our older one - our daughter - is ten years old. Unfortunately, she started developing on the early side. Last summer she started developing breasts, and needed to get a training bra. Just the other night, she got her first pimple. She's growing up fast.

My wife - for whatever reason - just doesn't seem to want to have "the talk" with our daughter. I'm not even talking about where babies come from. I don't know if she knows that or not, but it's not super important yet, and I'm guessing she's picked up some of that from osmosis from listening to the news and stuff. I'm talking about the "period talk." I'm terrified my daughter is going to get her first period some time in the next year and have no idea what it is when it happens. My mother was precocious as well, and got her period around this age - knowing nothing about what was happening, and sure she had cancer or something. It traumatized her for life.

To the best of my knowledge, my wife has not discussed any of this with our daughter at all. She did get her a book about how bodies change during adolescence, but I'm not 100% sure that my daughter ever finished it. My wife *thinks* she knows what periods are, because when her younger brother started trying to open up a tampon thinking it was candy she was giggling. But that's just supposition. Every time I bring it up with my wife she gets incredibly angry at me and says it's none of my business as a man, and to butt out of things.

So yeah, I don't really know what to do here, except hope everything turns out for the best - that maybe she has a friend who is also developing early and she hears about this stuff "through the grapevine* thus she's not taken totally aback when it happens.

Thoughts?
I had a friend who was like this. I told my girls early just in case. I never got what the big deal about it was. I just didn't want them to be 'that kid' who got it at school and didn't realize it. No one ever forgets that.

I think it is so they can keep thinking the kids are younger than they are. It's a bit selfish, IMO. NOt sure what you can do about it.
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Old 01-15-2020, 05:17 PM
 
Location: Omaha, Nebraska
7,946 posts, read 4,595,289 times
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I agree with the others: there's absolutely nothing wrong with talking about feminine hygiene issues with your growing daughter. She's got to learn how to deal with this basic biological fact eventually! Even more important though is to make sure you tell her that she can talk to you about absolutely ANYTHING (body issues, relationship issues, sex, birth control, pregnancy - anything!). She needs to know you're in her corner backing her as she goes through the complicated process of growing up.
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Old 01-15-2020, 06:37 PM
 
4,480 posts, read 4,077,456 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CMMom View Post
"The Care and Keeping of You" book by the American Girl doll people is a great one. Very straightforward and well-written. Encourage your wife to buy and read it. BTW, my DD got her period early the summer after 5th grade. It will be there before you know it. And if your wife won't do it, you certainly can! I mean, I think it's ideal for the mom to have the talk, but it's not like a requirement.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00BHI2GW4...ng=UTF8&btkr=1
This is exactly what I was going to recommend. This book is easy to read, engaging, and will cover the entire subject of puberty.
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Old 01-15-2020, 08:02 PM
 
102 posts, read 145,968 times
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Another recommendation that you should go ahead and buy her the American Girl Care & Keeping of You book. I had gotten it for my daughter & we read through it, but I thought we had another year + before "the talk", but she started her period during spring break in 6th grade while at her grandparents. She figured out what was happening on her own. One of her cousins started her period at that same house also in 6th grade & thought she was hemorrhaging since her parents hadn't discussed it. She was homeschooled, so school did cover it either & more limited peers.

I was raised by a single dad. I don't see why a dad can't take a more active role in this if mom is not stepping up. Bringing up that your mom was really caught off guard is a great way to start the conversation. Mostly your daughter needs to know it will happen at some point and where to find feminine hygiene products. They do come with written instructions on how to use & I remember reading those as part of the learning curve.
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Old 01-15-2020, 08:08 PM
 
Location: Saint John, IN
11,081 posts, read 4,312,223 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CMMom View Post
"The Care and Keeping of You" book by the American Girl doll people is a great one. Very straightforward and well-written. Encourage your wife to buy and read it. BTW, my DD got her period early the summer after 5th grade. It will be there before you know it. And if your wife won't do it, you certainly can! I mean, I think it's ideal for the mom to have the talk, but it's not like a requirement.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00BHI2GW4...ng=UTF8&btkr=1
This is an EXCELLENT book! I highly suggest it! You can get it on the American Girl website, Amazon, Ebay, etc. It won't be at Target or Walmart though.

Ask her school when they will have the talk. My daughters had them in 4th grade. At any rate, someone needs to have this talk with her before she gets her period and thinks she's dying!!

In a few years, have the other talk!
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Old 01-15-2020, 08:28 PM
 
Location: Seattle
1,541 posts, read 2,177,170 times
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"She's my daughter too, and although this is a traditionally female role, I won't allow her to face this alone or unprepared."

My mom's mom couldn't bring herself to have the talk. As chance would have it, my mom got her first period the day after a bike accident where she hit the handlebars with her pelvis and went over the front of her bike. Then she gets her period and thinks she's going to bleed to death (what else could it be?). She's freaked out over talking to her parents because she'll get in trouble for getting into an accident, and they don't have money to go to the doctor (she was the oldest of nine in a desperately poor family). When she finally does talk to her mom (because the bleeding won't stop), her mom just shrugged and then showed her how to use rags, which she had to wash out. She never knew what a sanitary pad or a tampon was until much later.

So my poor conservative, straight-laced, easily-embarrassed mom made herself have 'the talk' with her worldly, eye-rolling daughter several times. She never wanted me to go through the pain of not knowing, and she wanted me to know what my options were, and that she would buy me whatever I decided was right for me. Once I got older and understood more about her life, I hugged her many times for getting out of HER comfort zone for me. This was not something she wanted to do, she was painfully awkward about it, but she forced herself out of her comfort zone because she was bound and determined that her daughter would not go through what she had to. Did I know more about it than her? Yep. and that's ok. Sometimes it truly is the thought that counts.
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Old 01-16-2020, 06:48 AM
 
Location: Oak Park, IL
62 posts, read 23,120 times
Reputation: 146
[quote=If she says she HASN'T read the book, well...it's pretty much the same discussion mostly. "Honey, I just want you to know what's going on with your body, so when you have your first period, you know and understand what's happening." And that's it.


And make sure she has the stuff she'll need. And maybe suggest she keep a pad or a tampon in her purse at all times, so she's not completely caught off guard.


She might be embarrassed having this convo with her dad...but she'll get over it, and it's way better than not understanding what's happening to her.[/QUOTE]

All of this! Perfect solution.
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