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Old 01-16-2020, 07:01 AM
 
Location: Somewhere
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If your wife is failing as a parent that doesn't mean you should too!

I would tell her one last time....either you have the talk with her or I will by "X" date. And then if she doesn't do it, you do it.
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Old 01-16-2020, 07:22 AM
 
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I think leaving some books in her room is a great way to open the door. There are some really good ones out there if you do a little research. You can't really force a conversation like this. Likely when you are ready to talk, she won't be and vice versa. Leaving a few books in her room opens the door and allows her to approach the content when she is ready.

I did use the sex ed video below years ago. It is in Norwegian, but I really liked it. I can't remember if there was a dubbed version or if we just had subtitles on. It's very direct, but really informative. It doesn't beat around the bush. It is somewhat awkward for a kid to be a part of this conversation with a grown adult. They tend to clam up, so having a 3rd party present the info is a little bit less direct, but opens the door to that conversation.

I say just forget what your wife says. If she can't do it, you should move forward. Just take the backlash from her if need be.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HyWRalwqq24
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Old 01-16-2020, 10:25 AM
 
12,392 posts, read 20,991,315 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eschaton View Post
Hey guys.

My wife and I have two kids. Our older one - our daughter - is ten years old. Unfortunately, she started developing on the early side. Last summer she started developing breasts, and needed to get a training bra. Just the other night, she got her first pimple. She's growing up fast.

My wife - for whatever reason - just doesn't seem to want to have "the talk" with our daughter. I'm not even talking about where babies come from. I don't know if she knows that or not, but it's not super important yet, and I'm guessing she's picked up some of that from osmosis from listening to the news and stuff. I'm talking about the "period talk." I'm terrified my daughter is going to get her first period some time in the next year and have no idea what it is when it happens. My mother was precocious as well, and got her period around this age - knowing nothing about what was happening, and sure she had cancer or something. It traumatized her for life.

To the best of my knowledge, my wife has not discussed any of this with our daughter at all. She did get her a book about how bodies change during adolescence, but I'm not 100% sure that my daughter ever finished it. My wife *thinks* she knows what periods are, because when her younger brother started trying to open up a tampon thinking it was candy she was giggling. But that's just supposition. Every time I bring it up with my wife she gets incredibly angry at me and says it's none of my business as a man, and to butt out of things.

So yeah, I don't really know what to do here, except hope everything turns out for the best - that maybe she has a friend who is also developing early and she hears about this stuff "through the grapevine* thus she's not taken totally aback when it happens.

Thoughts?
Does your daughter go to the doctor on a regular basis? This is going to sound like a cop out, but if she does, call the doctors office, explain your concerns and see if that’s something they can address.

I did that when my husband was suffering with depression and refused to tell the doctor about it.
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Old 01-16-2020, 10:59 AM
 
8,058 posts, read 4,288,088 times
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My mom was the same way with my older sister. Even back then in the 50's it was odd for a mother to be so up tight, but she came from a puritanical weird family. My sister freaked out when she started her period, but thankfully she was at home. My mom never had the talk with me either, but my sister helped me.

Reading the OP's post brought back a lot of unpleasant memories of my mother. She diminished my father constantly and tried to control everything. She and I were quasi estranged when she died, and my older sister hadn't had contact with her for years.
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Old 01-16-2020, 11:27 AM
 
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I think that fathers should be able to discuss everything with their young daughters. After all, they do not know if and when their wife is going to leave or be affected by an accident.

Also, I have found that fathers have a much different perspective on the "sex talk" than do mothers and are often able to bring up subjects in a manner that will listened to by the daughter.
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Old 01-16-2020, 11:32 AM
 
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I can feel your anxiety. That talk needs to happen now. I had to call my daughter's 5th grade teacher and find out how period's were handled at school. I wanted to make my daughter as prepared as she could be. I gave my child the American Girl book and had a conservation with her. She wasn't too happy about it, but I made it happen. I also put maxipads under her sink in the bathroom. She snuck them back under my sink, but managed to find them again when they were needed. I'm not sure why she was embarrassed to the extent she was, but I don't think that was something that came from me. These kids learn more from their peers than we know.

I'm not sure what to tell you about your wife. Ignoring this will hurt your child. Maybe if you have a sister or sister in law who could step in and take your daughter out for lunch or something and have a casual discussion on the subject it would help. Back in the days when my daughter fought hygiene like bathing and brushing teeth, my sister in law would sometimes be a help. My daughter listened to her while still ignoring me.

Good Luck!
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Old 01-16-2020, 11:37 AM
 
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My mom told me about periods when I was 9 and I hadn’t started developing yet. I guess she told me at this time in case i did. I have a daughter and I am not sure when ill her but at 3 she already asks plenty of questions about my tampons and knows they are used when I go to the bathroom. IF your daughter is already wearing a bra she definitely needs to know what a period is in the event that she gets it. It doesn’t need to lead to a sex talk but why not at this point. I actually think I was told how babies are made at 9 along with the period talk. My mom also gave me a book, what’s happening to my body book for girls.
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Old 01-16-2020, 11:55 AM
 
1,931 posts, read 1,974,246 times
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I think you should have the talk with your daughter. I think it will be less embarrassing for your daughter in a way, hearing it from you, since you're no expert either. She will know you really, really care about her, if you are having an important conversation with her. You can read the book together or go to the drugstore together. LOL. I am a divorced mom of a son and daughter and I've had this sort of talk with both of my children.

I told my 10 year-old son about periods recently--so he would know what was coming for his sister, as well as for the girls in his class, so that he would know to never ever tease them about it. We agreed he could quietly offer a girl his sweatshirt to tie around her waist, as needed. :-)
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Old 01-17-2020, 03:13 AM
 
6,595 posts, read 5,658,552 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kayela View Post
"She's my daughter too, and although this is a traditionally female role, I won't allow her to face this alone or unprepared."

My mom's mom couldn't bring herself to have the talk. As chance would have it, my mom got her first period the day after a bike accident where she hit the handlebars with her pelvis and went over the front of her bike. Then she gets her period and thinks she's going to bleed to death (what else could it be?). She's freaked out over talking to her parents because she'll get in trouble for getting into an accident, and they don't have money to go to the doctor (she was the oldest of nine in a desperately poor family). When she finally does talk to her mom (because the bleeding won't stop), her mom just shrugged and then showed her how to use rags, which she had to wash out. She never knew what a sanitary pad or a tampon was until much later.

So my poor conservative, straight-laced, easily-embarrassed mom made herself have 'the talk' with her worldly, eye-rolling daughter several times. She never wanted me to go through the pain of not knowing, and she wanted me to know what my options were, and that she would buy me whatever I decided was right for me. Once I got older and understood more about her life, I hugged her many times for getting out of HER comfort zone for me. This was not something she wanted to do, she was painfully awkward about it, but she forced herself out of her comfort zone because she was bound and determined that her daughter would not go through what she had to. Did I know more about it than her? Yep. and that's ok. Sometimes it truly is the thought that counts.
"Out of her comfort zone"...yes, I totally get that. When I was in fifth grade, the girls were shown the "movie", explaining about what was going to happen to us. We were also given a little book called, "Growing Up and Liking It". The movie just explained the concept of what menstruation was, it didn't explain what it LOOKED like. It just made me more curious. I tried asking my mother questions about it, but she said...verbatim..."You're Godd**n anxious for it, aren't you?!?" Hostilely. I dropped it after that. She acted like it was a "bad" thing to be curious. When I got my first pubic hair (at 11), I asked her about it, and her curt answer was, "Leave it alone".

I didn't get my period until a month before my 13th birthday, on a visit to my cousin's. I didn't know it was happening until my aunt looked at the crotch of my shorts and dragged me into the bathroom. There was blood, a lot of it, and I was frightened. She said to me, "This is your period. You are now a LADY". She had me clean up, change, and found my cousin's pads. I put the bulky things in my underpants (they were the old fashioned kind that you needed a sanitary belt for). While all this was happening, my 30-year-old cousin arrived home from work, and my aunt literally dragged HER into the bathroom as soon as she got in the door. She was sent back out to the drug store to buy me a sanitary belt. Instead of treating it like it was something embarrassing, they wanted to celebrate. My cousin mixed Bloody Marys for all of us, and we toasted my new "womanhood" (and the vodka did help the cramps I subsequently got). Underage drinking, I know...but 48 years later, it's still funny. Bloody Marys. How appropriate.

I was the first out of my group of friends to "get" it. The others didn't until a bit later, in eighth grade (and one of them not until she was 14). Now, being 13 seems late to start. They all treated me like a "celebrity" when I got home from my visit.

When my own oldest DD was ten, I tried to have "the heads up" with her, but she already knew all about it. When she actually got it (at 11) she was actually very blase. She'd noticed me tending myself...I'd had a benign uterine fibroid which made my bleeding massive (I had two D & C's for it). She couldn't have avoided seeing me cope with all that mess every month, so her own bleeding wasn't a shock to her when it happened.

On a side note, my own mother had had a hysterectomy when I was six.

Last edited by Mrs. Skeffington; 01-17-2020 at 03:31 AM..
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Old 01-17-2020, 05:20 AM
 
13,935 posts, read 13,283,100 times
Reputation: 17240
Quote:
Originally Posted by eschaton View Post
Hey guys.

My wife and I have two kids. Our older one - our daughter - is ten years old. Unfortunately, she started developing on the early side. Last summer she started developing breasts, and needed to get a training bra. Just the other night, she got her first pimple. She's growing up fast.

My wife - for whatever reason - just doesn't seem to want to have "the talk" with our daughter. I'm not even talking about where babies come from. I don't know if she knows that or not, but it's not super important yet, and I'm guessing she's picked up some of that from osmosis from listening to the news and stuff. I'm talking about the "period talk." I'm terrified my daughter is going to get her first period some time in the next year and have no idea what it is when it happens. My mother was precocious as well, and got her period around this age - knowing nothing about what was happening, and sure she had cancer or something. It traumatized her for life.

To the best of my knowledge, my wife has not discussed any of this with our daughter at all. She did get her a book about how bodies change during adolescence, but I'm not 100% sure that my daughter ever finished it. My wife *thinks* she knows what periods are, because when her younger brother started trying to open up a tampon thinking it was candy she was giggling. But that's just supposition. Every time I bring it up with my wife she gets incredibly angry at me and says it's none of my business as a man, and to butt out of things.

So yeah, I don't really know what to do here, except hope everything turns out for the best - that maybe she has a friend who is also developing early and she hears about this stuff "through the grapevine* thus she's not taken totally aback when it happens.

Thoughts?
I agree with you that your wife should talk to her about menstruation. I started when I was 9 and really had no idea what was going on, and of course I was home alone with my dad at that time!
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