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Old 01-16-2020, 08:32 AM
 
41,542 posts, read 16,428,401 times
Reputation: 27107

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"We're too old for that," gets us out of a lot of things we no longer have the energy and/or enthusiasm for.

As to the daughter's silent treatment, did I read this correctly that you are still watching her child several days a week while this is going on?

If so, time for both of you to sit down with your daughter and her husband and have a heart to heart.

Stick with "I" words and feelings. "I love that you've trusted us with this precious child for so long, but I'm exhausted and I can no longer do this. "

If your wife can't speak up for herself, at least she can nod along.

Don't accuse her and her husband of anything. No "you" words, no pointing out that they can afford and need to find childcare for their own children.

Just that you love them, but can no longer provide childcare.

Be aware that this will likely trigger panic attacks, etc. Be clear that they will need to figure this out on their own as you are simply not up for another time like the last one. It was too exhausting and ended on a bad note.

Good luck.
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Old 01-16-2020, 10:40 AM
 
1,281 posts, read 370,929 times
Reputation: 3341
It is ok not to like your child and distance yourself from them for a self-preservation: you will always love her.

Get on with your life and comfort your wife if the ingratitude is distressing to her.

Go on vacation, enjoy the things you worked very hard for in your life.
Let you daughter and her family to figure it out.. send her birthday and Holiday cards..

Your daughter is abusive now - no matter how you look at it- and you are both healthy and helpful to her, on your own 2 feet with your own finances
She makes good money, but have no problem exploiting your wife and you so she can have a free service without consideration for you.
“Indentured service”?
She manipulates you into doing what she wants by withholding her affection from her mother and treating you differently- “ punishing” her mother and trying to bend your wife to her will.
It is just the beginning.. abuse starts slowly...
It is not ok to be tolerant of the abuse. Imagine how would she treat her mother, when she is older, sick and you are not there to protect your wife?
The highest percent of elder abuse is committed by children.
Please, read this an eye opening research article: you could be a part of this statistic

https://www.ncoa.org/public-policy-a...r-abuse-facts/

Elder Abuse by Adult Children - Criminal Justice - IresearchNet
Distance yourself...but let her know that what she is doing is not right.

Last edited by Nik4me; 01-16-2020 at 11:00 AM..
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Old 01-16-2020, 10:45 AM
 
6,953 posts, read 3,947,309 times
Reputation: 24562
If it were me I'd resist the urge to dump feelings right now. Sometimes things are said that can't be taken back. Glad you came here to do that!

I'd get out of the business of carrying messages and let everyone speak for themselves. Or not. Keep the communication to "I" statements."

And if it were me I'd set my expectations of my daughter on "low" for the time being, release myself from needing any confirmation from her and kindly go ahead with my own plans.

You sound like a good and loving father and husband who feels stuck in the middle and helpless to heal the situation. Maybe that's true. Hope you believe me when I say you don't have to take the responsibility for "fixing" this.

When I run into one of these conflicting needs situations in my own life and I love the people involved I've found the best course of action is to speak from my rational self and not from my needy heart. (I know it hurts.)

The less emotional content I bring into the conversation the better. It just gives people one more thing to deal with. Everyone can do their part to settle this and it may take time and patience. Love with detachment.

An example of the sort of thing I might say: "I love you and (emotionally) support you. Hope you can work this out."
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Old 01-16-2020, 11:04 AM
 
1,332 posts, read 392,872 times
Reputation: 2551
I agree that your daughter appears to be an ingrate. Could it be possible that your wife conveyed a different message about babysitting -- she is happy to do it -- and your involvement caused a feeling of mistrust between your daughter and wife . . . that your wife acts one way to your daughter but another way to you and your daughter was caught blindsided.

If this is the case, I think your wife should acknowledge that she should have been more direct in her communications with daughter and will do so in the future.
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Old 01-16-2020, 11:14 AM
 
Location: Herndon, VA
2,181 posts, read 2,290,064 times
Reputation: 7967
Your daughter sounds like a classic narcissist. The silent treatment she gave your wife is one of the tell-tale signs. I suggest you read all about the disorder and then realize that is what you'll be dealing with for the rest of your life. IMHO, the only way to deal with a narcissist is to cut them out of your life and force them to become independent. Keep in mind her motivation is purely self centered and will remain so for the duration of her existence. There is no fixing a narcissist.

I'm sorry you're going through this.
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Old 01-16-2020, 11:24 AM
 
1,833 posts, read 607,413 times
Reputation: 4967
I would just back away and live your lives. Don’t get sucked in again no matter what happens.
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Old 01-16-2020, 11:26 AM
 
Location: Kentucky
672 posts, read 374,385 times
Reputation: 2717
Your daughter has been riding the two of you like a rented mule. Make her walk.

Good luck, Rg
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Old 01-16-2020, 11:42 AM
 
1,344 posts, read 508,385 times
Reputation: 4291
I am not a professional, so I will respond with the understanding that her anxiety was professionally diagnosed and seems to be (thus far) poorly managed. That is step 1. She and/or her husband should contact her medical provider or their employee assistance programs to get additional support because this isn't sustainable.

I am glad that you feel the cost was worth it for your beautiful granddaughter. That said, I do think you allowed yourself to be taken advantage of. And I say that as the QUEEN of trying to be helpful but turning into a doormat. You need to set boundaries before getting into the situation and stick by them, no extending it another month, no additional support, etc.

I'm curious as the the husband's role in all of this. Why is he not more supportive? How does he like having his in-laws living with them for months at a time? How does he view your daughter's health and anxiety?

As for her snotty attitude? Honestly, I think she's too overwhelmed by her own feelings to consider anyone else's. I would feel hurt but would ignore it, until she is in a better place to realize what all you've done for her and how ungrateful she was. It may take some time.
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Old 01-16-2020, 12:05 PM
 
468 posts, read 264,784 times
Reputation: 2277
How is it that she is even still employed with such terrible anxiety? Isn't it amazing that for someone who needs help with a child can seem to hold down a full time job?

I hope there are no plans for Child #3.

Your daughter will eventually come around.....(when she needs something). I hope you and your wife can recharge your batteries with a trip North, South, East or West. Wherever you go, make it only about the two of you.

Good luck.
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Old 01-16-2020, 12:24 PM
 
1,938 posts, read 1,980,711 times
Reputation: 1870
Quote:
Originally Posted by ShanIAmVA View Post

Your daughter will eventually come around.....(when she needs something). I hope you and your wife can recharge your batteries with a trip North, South, East or West. Wherever you go, make it only about the two of you.
And when you find a place you like, move there!
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