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Old 01-19-2020, 11:15 AM
 
13,281 posts, read 8,143,068 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pupmom View Post
This year the sister brought an entire turkey along and said, I thought you may need extra turkey. There is always enough food and the turkey isn't dry. Additionally the SIL's 12YO stepdaughter sat in the car the entire time because she was in a bad mood.
Was bringing an extra turkey supposed to be a bad thing? You can never have enough turkey at Thanksgiving, and an extra turkey allows more leftovers to be taken home by all the guests. Seems like a pretty nice thing to do considering all the work of making a turkey and having to bring it over to someone else's house.

As for the kid? Sounds like the SIL knows how to pick her battles. It was the kid's choice to sit in the car and miss Thanksgiving. No way would I want my sister to drag an angry 12yo into my parents house on Thanksgiving. It would ruin the holiday for all. Better to let the kid pout in the car alone then to have a family fighting at the dinner table.

When I was a kid, we always spent Christmas Eve with my Mom's side of the family, and Christmas with my Dad's side. I thought most people did this for holidays. It wasn't that the two sides didn't get along, or we were embarrassed by one side, it's just how it was.
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Old 01-19-2020, 11:20 AM
 
13,281 posts, read 8,143,068 times
Reputation: 25849
Quote:
Originally Posted by K12144 View Post
So in this situation, family freaks out because your daughter legitimately has work, and so she compounds it by getting in a snit and saying "no I just won't come then" even though a solution was offered? It sounds like the issues go both ways. I don't see where the SIL is the issue here, if she is the one who said it was fine that your daughter came late.
There have been a few birthday dinners or family gatherings where my husband had to work late. We did exactly like the SIL suggested. We went to the restaurant, got a table, and I ordered for my husband. He was there by the time dinner came, and got to enjoy in the celebration even though he couldn't get off work early. No one ever saw it as a big deal. Restaurants all have their menus online, so he was able to look at it and text me what he wanted.

Sounds more like the daughter didn't want to go celebrate SIL's birthday and so made a big deal over how SIL was choosing to celebrate her birthday.
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Old 01-19-2020, 01:45 PM
 
775 posts, read 1,099,381 times
Reputation: 960
I appreciate everyones comments. Remember this was a rant. I have never shown displeasure to my daughter and her family. We realize they have 2 families to see. My point was we are always the family that accomodates without question. A few things tho-
As far as the birthday party my daughter didn't attend. She thought she could be there by 5:40. If they got there by 5PM and ordered everyone would have food by 5:30 and the earliest she would be there was 5:40 if the parent conference went off without any questions or concerns from the child's parent. Her sister in law thought that she should just skip the conference to go to her birthday dinner. This is my daughters profession and lively hood.(This family doesn't hang out and socialize at these birthday dinners- arrive , order dinner when you order beverages- eat and go home- dinner has never taken more than an hour total).

As far as her bringing a turkey to thanksgiving, I didn't think I needed to give all the details. Everyone brings food. They coordinated so everyone knew what everyone was bringing. Everyone always brings so much and no one ever takes leftovers, so this year my son in law send an email so everyone would know what everyone was bringing. For 18 people there were 2 people bringing turkeys (one deep fried and one regular) and also someone was bringing a ham. So the sister decided to bring another one. There was 60 pounds of turkey for 18 people plus a ham. No one took any food home.


Thanks for all your comments. It;s over. We will deal with whatever we need to.
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Old 01-19-2020, 02:20 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
46,549 posts, read 44,872,886 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pupmom View Post

Thanks for all your comments. It;s over. We will deal with whatever we need to.
Good. The best favor you can do for yourself is to stop thinking stuff like, "We're alone on Christmas Day!" when you just saw your daughter etc the day before.
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Old 01-19-2020, 05:35 PM
 
206 posts, read 46,261 times
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The in-law dances around Christmas have basically ruined the season for me. Jan 2 is my favorite day of the winter.
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Old 01-20-2020, 10:03 AM
Status: "We don't have to wait to start changing the world." (set 11 days ago)
 
Location: Wonderland
48,537 posts, read 38,900,491 times
Reputation: 69462
My daughter and her husband do their best to accommodate both sides of the family for the holidays. Since I'm from a military family I learned since childhood to BE FLEXIBLE about holidays - dates, times, you name it.

I feel for anyone trying to accommodate different families. With our son in law, the only time we've gotten together with his parents was the week of the wedding. Now granted, they live in another state, so that's understandable in a way, but even if they lived close by, frankly we probably wouldn't get together much, and I wouldn't expect our daughter to try to keep all of us happy at the same time. It's hard enough on her to juggle things as it is.

They are good grandparents to our shared grandkids, so I am just grateful about that.

Generally, our daughter and her husband travel to be with one set of grandparents for ONE holiday - either Christmas or Thanksgiving. Then the other set travels to be with them at their house (out of state and far from either set of parents) for the other holiday. This works well.

Though I do have to share this story - a few Christmases ago, they were coming to our house. Since the kids were older, and since I was sort of regrouping on Christmas decorations in general, I bought Christmas stockings for each child and decorated them myself. I was really excited about this, and posted pictures of the individual stockings on social media, which the other grandmother apparently saw. SHE sent a package - to our house - with individual stockings for each kid. OK. That's fine. But then she called my daughter, her daughter in law, and said, "OK. I want the kids to open our package first, and open our stockings first, and I want you to video it or better yet, call us and let us live chat with them while they are opening our presents. Be sure you have them open ours first."

Not sure what that was all about and in fact, it didn't happen. My daughter was like "What? It's Christmas at my parents' house. You aren't there. We'll open presents when we feel like it in whatever order we feel like it, and I'm not live chatting with anyone." I mean, she didn't say that to her MIL but that was her take on it.

It really did feel intrusive but we didn't do it so meh. LOL!

About the 12 year old girl sitting in the car - been there done that. There's nothing worse than a 12 year old daughter in a crunk mood. Oh wait - yes there is - a 12 year old step daughter in a crunk mood! I feel the OP's pain, and the stepmother's pain as well!

OP, just get flexible and be accommodating. I get that you're irritated and that you're ranting. That's OK too. But just remember that your daughter is probably more uncomfortable than you are. Develop a wry sense of humor and meanwhile, do your thang and don't put any more pressure on your daughter. That's my advice.
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Old 01-20-2020, 11:09 AM
 
1,220 posts, read 849,045 times
Reputation: 4554
Wow.

This thread makes me so happy we live thousands of miles away from both families. What a PITA to manage a herd of relatives getting so butt-hurt over day-to-day minutia!

We come visit, we do family stuff, then we leave. So much better than trying to manage all the bull**** I'm reading here. Sheesh!
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Old 01-20-2020, 12:00 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
24,680 posts, read 15,896,922 times
Reputation: 36473
We alternate Christmas and Thanksgiving with our kids' inlaws. We have had Christmas Day by ourselves on several occasions. Going to the movies is a good idea, by the way.

But, we do see family over the long holiday, so it is not as if we don't have contact.

This solution was presented to us shortly after we arrived in our new town. But we do see the other inlaws at our grands' birthday parties.

To the OP: you already know this, but I want to reiterate, that you have no control over the actions of the other family. They probably do not like including outsiders, and it may well not be anything personal. You do have the right idea: go along and be kind to your family. If the in laws don't want to mix with you, there is nothing you can do about this. They seem pretty inflexible anyway, and might be pretty exhausting to associate with.
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Old 01-20-2020, 01:55 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
18,114 posts, read 18,577,491 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pupmom View Post
Thanks, we are being as flexible as possible because we don't want to make my son in law and daughter uncomfortable. I know my daughter thinks it is mostly because of the sister in law.
In his family, the family goes out for everyone's birthday. Her birthday was in the middle of the week and she said they were meeting at 5PM for dinner. My daughter is a teacher had had parent conferences until 5:30. It was a major blow up with the entire family. The sister in law said my son in law could order for her off the menu and she could arrive at 5:40 and eat her meal. My daughter said no she wouldn't come. The response was, School is over at 3. I don't believe you. (Her kids are in the same district- she knew parent teacher conferences were scheduled.
My daughter and her hubby didn't attend the BD dinner. His parents and sister didn't talk to them for a few weeks. We will keep the peace.
Quote:
Originally Posted by K12144 View Post
(snip)

So in this situation, family freaks out because your daughter legitimately has work, and so she compounds it by getting in a snit and saying "no I just won't come then" even though a solution was offered? It sounds like the issues go both ways. I don't see where the SIL is the issue here, if she is the one who said it was fine that your daughter came late.
It doesn't sound like a "real" solution. The very earliest that the daughter could be there was 5:40 and it is very common for parent conferences to run late (often by 10 to 20 minutes). The OP says in another post that the birthday celebrations lasted an hour. If daughter attended she probably would have arrived at the restaurant close to 6 PM, just when everyone was leaving. IMHO, it was the parents and sister who overreacted by not speaking to the couple for a few weeks.

Now a "real" solution would be to hold the birthday celebration on the weekend, or at least not on conference day. Or start the dinner at 6 PM.

I suspect that the daughter and son-in-law were trying to set boundaries. Depending on how many people in the family it could be a real problem to constantly go out to dinner on the actual birthday for Mom and Dad and Grandma and Grandpa and Aunt Mary and Aunt Mary's husband and Brother John and Brother John's wife and Brother John's son and Brother John's daughter and Sister Susie, etc. etc. etc.

When Hubby and I were working we rarely went out after work, it was just too hard, especially after we had children. And, we certainly would not have wanted to go out on a semi-regular basis after work.
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Old 01-20-2020, 03:02 PM
 
Location: Denver CO
21,952 posts, read 12,780,067 times
Reputation: 33922
your SIL's parents don't like you. No one here can tell you why, but it's pretty clear they don't. You seem very reasonable to me, so who knows? They don't sound all that nice anyway, so no big loss.

Your daughter and SIL clearly love you and are doing their best to accommodate both sides of their family. Try to gracefully accept what they can offer, and back off when there is a conflict, because whatever annoyance you feel about your SIL's family, for your daughter it's one step closer and therefore even more annoying.

And go ahead and make your own plans for the times when you want to have more control over things. As long as you can be flexible and work with your daughter and SIL to have some family holiday times, do your best to ignore the rude in-laws and carry on with your plans.

oh and btw, it's a stereotypical Jewish thing to go to the movies and then for Chinese food on Christmas day, because pretty much everything else is closed but we still get the day off work. Probably lots of others who don't observe Christmas or maybe do their family celebration on Christmas Eve or some other time realized it was a great idea!
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