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Old 01-20-2020, 09:00 PM
 
69 posts, read 17,863 times
Reputation: 232

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Sometimes parents move to a new town/state to be close to adult children who are married with a family of their own.

Sometimes the new location has little of interest to the parents other than their adult children live there.

The parents naturally assume they'll be welcomed into the family circle and sometimes this does happen.

But sometimes it doesn't, as you've experienced, OP.

What might be going on in your situation could be family turf wars. Very common. It's sort of like the two women who fought about which one was the "real" Mrs. Astor. They each held parties on the same night and everyone went to the one Mrs. Astor's and not to the other's. And neither one of the ladies were real Astors anyway so what was the point? Turf.

But back to the real point. You and your husband are newcomers to an already existing family dynamic, where your daughter's in-laws are established on their own playing field. Successful, set in their ways, perhaps a little excentric. Used to calling the shots.

Often in this scenario the established set of parents looks at the newcomer set as Intruders that will upset family routine they're comfortable with.

And as harsh as it may seem, your feelings don't matter to them. They're probably doing all they can, in their minds, to adjust to your daughter's entry into their family. And now her parents want to be included!

SIL's mother is the Queen, the sister the Princess Royal. These are their unquestioned family titles, that the two newcomers don't see this is all the more vexing.

I could be wrong but I'm just sensing there might be an American culture clash going in here. You say East Coast, is there a little bit of a North/South thing? Not that it matters but it could explain some behaviors and decisions.

OP, whose idea was it for you and your husband to move close to your daughter, hers or yours?

Do you have any interest in living where you are other than being close to her? Does the area offer cultural or historical and social events? If your daughter weren't there would you still want to live there?

It's certainly too soon to think of pulling up stakes. Hang in there for the long haul. Family dynamics have a way of changing.

Don't be mad at your daughter, she's probably feeling pulled in twenty directions as it is, as well as learning how to deal with the Queen without being banished from Court, as happened after the birthday debacle.

Settle in, be flexible without being a doormat (the Christmas dinner thing is truly bizarre, but when the Queen commands...).

Cheers dear.
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Old 01-20-2020, 09:29 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
18,114 posts, read 18,577,491 times
Reputation: 45101
Quote:
Originally Posted by RubyandPearl View Post
Sometimes parents move to a new town/state to be close to adult children who are married with a family of their own.

Sometimes the new location has little of interest to the parents other than their adult children live there.

The parents naturally assume they'll be welcomed into the family circle and sometimes this does happen.

But sometimes it doesn't, as you've experienced, OP.

What might be going on in your situation could be family turf wars. Very common. It's sort of like the two women who fought about which one was the "real" Mrs. Astor. They each held parties on the same night and everyone went to the one Mrs. Astor's and not to the other's. And neither one of the ladies were real Astors anyway so what was the point? Turf.

But back to the real point. You and your husband are newcomers to an already existing family dynamic, where your daughter's in-laws are established on their own playing field. Successful, set in their ways, perhaps a little excentric. Used to calling the shots.

Often in this scenario the established set of parents looks at the newcomer set as Intruders that will upset family routine they're comfortable with.

And as harsh as it may seem, your feelings don't matter to them. They're probably doing all they can, in their minds, to adjust to your daughter's entry into their family. And now her parents want to be included!

SIL's mother is the Queen, the sister the Princess Royal. These are their unquestioned family titles, that the two newcomers don't see this is all the more vexing.

I could be wrong but I'm just sensing there might be an American culture clash going in here. You say East Coast, is there a little bit of a North/South thing? Not that it matters but it could explain some behaviors and decisions.

OP, whose idea was it for you and your husband to move close to your daughter, hers or yours?

Do you have any interest in living where you are other than being close to her? Does the area offer cultural or historical and social events? If your daughter weren't there would you still want to live there?

It's certainly too soon to think of pulling up stakes. Hang in there for the long haul. Family dynamics have a way of changing.

Don't be mad at your daughter, she's probably feeling pulled in twenty directions as it is, as well as learning how to deal with the Queen without being banished from Court, as happened after the birthday debacle.

Settle in, be flexible without being a doormat (the Christmas dinner thing is truly bizarre, but when the Queen commands...).

Cheers dear.
Well said.
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Old 01-21-2020, 05:52 AM
 
11,882 posts, read 9,031,152 times
Reputation: 21869
Make (minimal) efforts to engage them during the less- pressured times of year. Totally relaxed. No big deal. Backyard bbq. Local casual events. Just invite the parents and allow them to relax. Forget. That's all you can do. Be kind, gracious and drama-free.
And for goodness sake don't make it harder on your kids. Why does your SIL feel the need to apologize to you for his parents? Laugh, shrug, hug. No pressure. Make your own holidays. (Between New Year's and summer - that's the most excruciatingly time of the school year for kids)
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Old 01-21-2020, 11:23 AM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
24,676 posts, read 15,896,922 times
Reputation: 36470
Quote:
Originally Posted by hunterseat View Post
Make (minimal) efforts to engage them during the less- pressured times of year. Totally relaxed. No big deal. Backyard bbq. Local casual events. Just invite the parents and allow them to relax. Forget. That's all you can do. Be kind, gracious and drama-free.
And for goodness sake don't make it harder on your kids. Why does your SIL feel the need to apologize to you for his parents? Laugh, shrug, hug. No pressure. Make your own holidays. (Between New Year's and summer - that's the most excruciatingly time of the school year for kids)
I agree with this.

I do want to mention that we moved cross country to be close to kids and grands. We have never regretted it. Had the kids overnight a day ago. We just love those kids.

People discouraged us from doing what we did. I detect disapproval in this forum about doing what we did. But moving as we did worked out for us.
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Old 01-22-2020, 11:59 AM
 
79 posts, read 26,883 times
Reputation: 88
Kind of in a similar situation. My immediate family, we all live in the same town. My sister's husband has zero family where we are. My husband has zero family where we are. My brother and sister-in-law have both sides of their family where we are. My brother always has his wife's family (NOT just her immediate family but extended....cousins, uncles, aunts, you name it) at their house for Thanksgiving/Christmas and will NEVER invite us. "Our" side of the family is a total of 5 (including my mom). Boggles my mind!
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Old 01-23-2020, 12:47 PM
 
Location: Central, NJ
2,483 posts, read 5,184,779 times
Reputation: 3606
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pupmom View Post
Thanks, we are being as flexible as possible because we don't want to make my son in law and daughter uncomfortable. I know my daughter thinks it is mostly because of the sister in law.
In his family, the family goes out for everyone's birthday. Her birthday was in the middle of the week and she said they were meeting at 5PM for dinner. My daughter is a teacher had had parent conferences until 5:30. It was a major blow up with the entire family. The sister in law said my son in law could order for her off the menu and she could arrive at 5:40 and eat her meal. My daughter said no she wouldn't come. The response was, School is over at 3. I don't believe you. (Her kids are in the same district- she knew parent teacher conferences were scheduled. My daughter and her hubby didn't attend the BD dinner. His parents and sister didn't talk to them for a few weeks. We will keep the peace.
I know you're hurt, but it sounds like that family just won't invite you. I think in time you will be happy about that, because you'll be avoiding uncomfortable situations and you'll be able to be a sounding board for your daughter. As long as they don't completely ignore you in favor of the other family, try not to let it bother you. It sounds like you have an infant grandchild. Is this their first baby? Having to juggle two families for a holiday, when you really just want to be home alone, is so difficult. You got to be with them on Christmas Eve, they saw the inlaws on Christmas Day. Let that be enough. I'm the youngest in my family and was still young when my siblings started their families. Their inlaws all were pretty inflexible and as the babies grew they wanted to be home for Christmas morning. We moved our family holiday celebration to a different day. I was annoyed and sad. All these years later those babies are bringing their babies to our family holiday celebration. I can guarantee you that would not be the case if we had "won" and got Christmas Day all those years ago.

The SIL sounds like a pill, and I'm glad they aren't letting her control them. As the reasonable grandparents, you will be the one who is very close to your daughter's family. That will be worth more than a few hurt feelings or getting the exact days you want. Also - vent away! We all need it sometimes.
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Old 01-25-2020, 10:43 PM
 
775 posts, read 1,099,381 times
Reputation: 960
I haven't been on city data in a few days. I love some of the responses. The part about the mother being the queen and the sister in law is the princess. That is hysterical.

Someone asked if we moved only because our daughter lives here. Yes we did. It had been talked about for years. Our son in law is very close to my husband. He often states he doesn't know what they would do if we hadn't moved here. I do believe they are happy we live in the area. As I stated, we have no other relatives except other children that frequently relocate. And yes we do like the area.

About 10 years ago both my parents were still alive and my only sibling had a sudden illness that happened the day before Thanksgiving and was in critical condition. My parents were elderly and my husband said to leave immediately with my parents. That left my daughter and husband alone for Thanksgiving. My brother pulled thru that, but took a turn for the worse 2 days before Christmas and we were off again. My daughter and husband could not go again, and my daughter said, "Dad and I alone again for the holidays." She often speaks of what a sad time it was spending the holidays without the entire family, although they spent both days with very close friends. Up until that year, it was always customary to deliver dinner to people in the neighborhood that were home bound before we had dinner. Additionally, there were always 2 or 3 extra people at the dinner table that had no where else to go for dinner.
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Old 01-26-2020, 05:04 AM
 
126 posts, read 41,453 times
Reputation: 269
First off I know your loved.

I had the same problem except from a different angle. My son lives in the inlaws city. The other side of the family is not my blood but they continually intervened into my visit with our son. We received multiple calls, texts and emails about a group dinner or visit. We said no multiple times via my big toe hurts, a Brain surgery that day, I'm running ultramarathan, etc.

They are super nice people, but my wife and I are very private people. These visit offers went on for months. They finally conceded/stopped after I got very direct. Sadly! We simply wanted private time with my son and DIL without needling or monitoring.

I forgot to say. Also the holiday thing is a big issue too. Every family has their own special family tradition. Adding another whole family to Christmas dinner for example will suddenly cause issue, "oh we do it this way", " we eat at this time", etc.

My point is maybe your in-laws are like us????

Last edited by _jbub88_; 01-26-2020 at 05:15 AM..
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Old 01-26-2020, 03:45 PM
 
895 posts, read 509,498 times
Reputation: 2118
OP some families are just a major pain in the butt and do not put the fun in dysfunctional...be glad you are not that family.

Does your son in law work in his family's business? That could be why he can't set boundaries with his family.

I think it's really weird his sister in law brought a whole turkey to Thanksgiving without being asked and her kid sat in the car. Clearly the kid did not want to be there...

Both sides of my family did get together when we were kids and it was nice. Everyone got along just fine.
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Old 01-26-2020, 06:27 PM
 
1,250 posts, read 332,997 times
Reputation: 1850
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sundaydrive00 View Post
Was bringing an extra turkey supposed to be a bad thing? You can never have enough turkey at Thanksgiving, and an extra turkey allows more leftovers to be taken home by all the guests. Seems like a pretty nice thing to do considering all the work of making a turkey and having to bring it over to someone else's house.

As for the kid? Sounds like the SIL knows how to pick her battles. It was the kid's choice to sit in the car and miss Thanksgiving. No way would I want my sister to drag an angry 12yo into my parents house on Thanksgiving. It would ruin the holiday for all. Better to let the kid pout in the car alone then to have a family fighting at the dinner table.

When I was a kid, we always spent Christmas Eve with my Mom's side of the family, and Christmas with my Dad's side. I thought most people did this for holidays. It wasn't that the two sides didn't get along, or we were embarrassed by one side, it's just how it was.
ditto
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