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Old 01-18-2020, 01:19 PM
 
775 posts, read 1,098,753 times
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I wanted to get others opinion. A little background. My husband and I recently moved from out of state to where our daughter and family lives. Neither my husband or I have other living relatives other than our children. One is in the military, one lives on the west coast and the daughter lives on the east coast. We love our new town and home and are happy we made the move.

My daughter always has Thanksgiving at her home for the both sides of the family. The time of dinner always revolves around my Son In Laws sister depending when her children will be with their father. This year the sister brought an entire turkey along and said, I thought you may need extra turkey. There is always enough food and the turkey isn't dry. Additionally the SIL's 12YO stepdaughter sat in the car the entire time because she was in a bad mood.

A few years ago, the our boys and us went to my daughters for Christmas.(this was before we moved to the area) We were all making Christmas Dinner and my daughter and hubby come into the kitchen and say they are going to his parents house for dinner, and we can eat whenever we want. I sort of had a stupid look on my face and my SIL says, I have no idea why they can't invite you too, they are just weird. (His family owns a huge business, have a large house, so I know its not that they can't accomodate everyone or afford to feed a few extra people.

This past fathers day, my daughter asked us if we wanted to go out for lunch. THey asked my hubby where he wanted to go. He said a restaurant, but my son in law said, "oh that's where my side of the family is going for dinner," can we go some place else? (why couldn't both sides of the family all go at the same time?)
As it turned out, his mom didn't feel well, so no one on his side of the family went out. My daughter and son in law and my husband and I went out.

I find all of this separation of his side of the family and her side of the family strange. Why can't we all just go together.

The final straw is this past Christmas. My daughter asked if we could do Christmas on Christmas eve. I said fine. They were suppose to come around 4:30. Never arrived to 5:30 because the baby was napping. We had dinner, opened presents, faced time both brothers, etc and they left at 7PM so they could get the kids to bed and had to put together a few things from Santa Claus. They spent Christmas with his family at his parents home. My daughter called on Christmas Day, but I couldn't talk to her. My husband said I was in the shower. My husband and I went to the movies. (apparently, many people go to the movies on Christmas Day, it was packed.)

We see our daughter and her family frequently. That is not a problem. My son in laws family appears not to like us. We have no idea why. Neither does our daughter know why. Our son in law is always apologetic for his family. He has stood up to his parents but they are very cold to him then. I don't want to come between them, so my husband and I never say anything. But we can't get over the fact that we spent Christmas Day alone in a new town. Both of our other children couldn't believe they did this to us. Next year we will definitely travel to one of the children that live far away.

More of a rant than a rant.
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Old 01-18-2020, 02:08 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
46,523 posts, read 44,841,892 times
Reputation: 91045
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pupmom View Post
I wanted to get others opinion. A little background. My husband and I recently moved from out of state to where our daughter and family lives. Neither my husband or I have other living relatives other than our children. One is in the military, one lives on the west coast and the daughter lives on the east coast. We love our new town and home and are happy we made the move.

My daughter always has Thanksgiving at her home for the both sides of the family. The time of dinner always revolves around my Son In Laws sister depending when her children will be with their father. This year the sister brought an entire turkey along and said, I thought you may need extra turkey. There is always enough food and the turkey isn't dry. Additionally the SIL's 12YO stepdaughter sat in the car the entire time because she was in a bad mood.

A few years ago, the our boys and us went to my daughters for Christmas.(this was before we moved to the area) We were all making Christmas Dinner and my daughter and hubby come into the kitchen and say they are going to his parents house for dinner, and we can eat whenever we want. I sort of had a stupid look on my face and my SIL says, I have no idea why they can't invite you too, they are just weird. (His family owns a huge business, have a large house, so I know its not that they can't accomodate everyone or afford to feed a few extra people.

This past fathers day, my daughter asked us if we wanted to go out for lunch. THey asked my hubby where he wanted to go. He said a restaurant, but my son in law said, "oh that's where my side of the family is going for dinner," can we go some place else? (why couldn't both sides of the family all go at the same time?)
As it turned out, his mom didn't feel well, so no one on his side of the family went out. My daughter and son in law and my husband and I went out.

I find all of this separation of his side of the family and her side of the family strange. Why can't we all just go together.

The final straw is this past Christmas. My daughter asked if we could do Christmas on Christmas eve. I said fine. They were suppose to come around 4:30. Never arrived to 5:30 because the baby was napping. We had dinner, opened presents, faced time both brothers, etc and they left at 7PM so they could get the kids to bed and had to put together a few things from Santa Claus. They spent Christmas with his family at his parents home. My daughter called on Christmas Day, but I couldn't talk to her. My husband said I was in the shower. My husband and I went to the movies. (apparently, many people go to the movies on Christmas Day, it was packed.)

We see our daughter and her family frequently. That is not a problem. My son in laws family appears not to like us. We have no idea why. Neither does our daughter know why. Our son in law is always apologetic for his family. He has stood up to his parents but they are very cold to him then. I don't want to come between them, so my husband and I never say anything. But we can't get over the fact that we spent Christmas Day alone in a new town. Both of our other children couldn't believe they did this to us. Next year we will definitely travel to one of the children that live far away.

More of a rant than a rant.
Holidays make me rant too sometimes. I would caution you about dwelling on that (in bold) ^^^

Your adult kids have families of their own, and those families have families too. It becomes so difficult to balance everyone's expectations.

It sounds like your kids are trying to spread the love around. Who knows why his family won't merge the celebrations. Not everyone is comfortable that way.

I watched my own parents get their feelings hurt when we couldn't celebrate on THE holiday, whatever it was, and make everyone miserable jumping thought hoops to make them happy. I vowed not to be that way when my own kids got old enough to start bringing significant others etc into the mix.

So I just advise you to be as flexible as possible, as open as possible, and understand that your kids are probably trying their best.
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Old 01-18-2020, 02:15 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
18,109 posts, read 18,566,589 times
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Well, that did seem pretty inconsiderate to leave you alone, in a new town, on Christmas Day.

I know plenty of people where both sides of the family get along well. Spend holidays together, socialize together and even spend vacations together.

However, I also know families where the sides of the families stay pretty separate. Hubby and I were married for 40 years and the only time that our parents were together was the weekend of our wedding. It wasn't because they didn't like each other but because they lived in different states.

I know other couples who are "not very sociable" and are uncomfortable around strangers (and that includes their SIL or DIL's family). Sometimes both sets of grandparents will not even attend their grandchildren's birthday parties, but insist on having separate parties for each side of the family.

Now that you live in the same town, perhaps you can become proactive. Invite them to dinner and picnics and see what happens. Perhaps, it just takes them a while to "warm up" to new people.

Good luck.
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Old 01-18-2020, 02:33 PM
 
775 posts, read 1,098,753 times
Reputation: 960
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
Holidays make me rant too sometimes. I would caution you about dwelling on that (in bold) ^^^

Your adult kids have families of their own, and those families have families too. It becomes so difficult to balance everyone's expectations.

It sounds like your kids are trying to spread the love around. Who knows why his family won't merge the celebrations. Not everyone is comfortable that way.

I watched my own parents get their feelings hurt when we couldn't celebrate on THE holiday, whatever it was, and make everyone miserable jumping thought hoops to make them happy. I vowed not to be that way when my own kids got old enough to start bringing significant others etc into the mix.

So I just advise you to be as flexible as possible, as open as possible, and understand that your kids are probably trying their best.
Thanks, we are being as flexible as possible because we don't want to make my son in law and daughter uncomfortable. I know my daughter thinks it is mostly because of the sister in law.
In his family, the family goes out for everyone's birthday. Her birthday was in the middle of the week and she said they were meeting at 5PM for dinner. My daughter is a teacher had had parent conferences until 5:30. It was a major blow up with the entire family. The sister in law said my son in law could order for her off the menu and she could arrive at 5:40 and eat her meal. My daughter said no she wouldn't come. The response was, School is over at 3. I don't believe you. (Her kids are in the same district- she knew parent teacher conferences were scheduled. My daughter and her hubby didn't attend the BD dinner. His parents and sister didn't talk to them for a few weeks. We will keep the peace.
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Old 01-18-2020, 02:39 PM
 
775 posts, read 1,098,753 times
Reputation: 960
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
Well, that did seem pretty inconsiderate to leave you alone, in a new town, on Christmas Day.

I know plenty of people where both sides of the family get along well. Spend holidays together, socialize together and even spend vacations together.

However, I also know families where the sides of the families stay pretty separate. Hubby and I were married for 40 years and the only time that our parents were together was the weekend of our wedding. It wasn't because they didn't like each other but because they lived in different states.

I know other couples who are "not very sociable" and are uncomfortable around strangers (and that includes their SIL or DIL's family). Sometimes both sets of grandparents will not even attend their grandchildren's birthday parties, but insist on having separate parties for each side of the family.

Now that you live in the same town, perhaps you can become proactive. Invite them to dinner and picnics and see what happens. Perhaps, it just takes them a while to "warm up" to new people.

Good luck.
We have invited them to dinner. They always backout. We have been together at picnics, but only if my daughter and son in law have it at their home. His mother and sister didn't attend my daughters wedding shower because it was in our hometown. They just couldn't go away for the weekend.

My son in law still has his grandfather. My husband and I have gone out to dinner with him. He is super friendly.

We have a ton of stories to tell like this.
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Old 01-18-2020, 02:56 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
46,523 posts, read 44,841,892 times
Reputation: 91045
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pupmom View Post

We have a ton of stories to tell like this.
Then all this really shouldn't be a surprise. It doesn't keep it from being disappointing, though.

Frankly, from the few stories you've told, I'd be glad to not share the holidays with them. It sounds like your daughter has enough to worry about.
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Old 01-18-2020, 03:06 PM
 
1,332 posts, read 505,835 times
Reputation: 4271
Honestly, everyone in my family really, genuinely likes everybody: my in-laws, my sister and brother's in-laws, etc. But combined holidays are either a no-go or just kinda awkward because we all have different traditions/expectations. One year we had both sides together and tried to do all of the traditions from both sides; EPIC FAIL. Now, there are cultural issues at play in our case; but even my folks' families, who grew up just blocks from each other, have very different "vibes" for their holidays, so many times we did separate gigs.

I understand why it could be off-putting, but I wouldn't take it personally.
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Old 01-18-2020, 06:07 PM
 
Location: East Coast
3,416 posts, read 2,114,205 times
Reputation: 5197
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pupmom View Post
Thanks, we are being as flexible as possible because we don't want to make my son in law and daughter uncomfortable. I know my daughter thinks it is mostly because of the sister in law.
In his family, the family goes out for everyone's birthday. Her birthday was in the middle of the week and she said they were meeting at 5PM for dinner. My daughter is a teacher had had parent conferences until 5:30. It was a major blow up with the entire family. The sister in law said my son in law could order for her off the menu and she could arrive at 5:40 and eat her meal. My daughter said no she wouldn't come. The response was, School is over at 3. I don't believe you. (Her kids are in the same district- she knew parent teacher conferences were scheduled. My daughter and her hubby didn't attend the BD dinner. His parents and sister didn't talk to them for a few weeks. We will keep the peace.
This is very strange. Something is weird with the family, and it's too bad your daughter and SIL go to some lengths to accommodate them. But you can't control other people. I think your plan to spend Christmas next year with your other children is a good one. Clearly, you'll have to make your own plans, and if your daughter and her family can work into them, great. But if not, enjoy your plans yourself.
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Old 01-19-2020, 06:40 AM
 
394 posts, read 292,722 times
Reputation: 1377
OP Just because you decided to move near your DD doesn't mean you have a say in how they celebrate holidays and live their life. Good or bad, it's up to them to decide how their family does things.

I get that you're disappointed, but it is what it is. Suck it up and smile.
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Old 01-19-2020, 10:46 AM
 
1,851 posts, read 544,955 times
Reputation: 5142
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pupmom View Post
My daughter always has Thanksgiving at her home for the both sides of the family. The time of dinner always revolves around my Son In Laws sister depending when her children will be with their father. This year the sister brought an entire turkey along and said, I thought you may need extra turkey. There is always enough food and the turkey isn't dry. Additionally the SIL's 12YO stepdaughter sat in the car the entire time because she was in a bad mood.
You think it's a bad thing for someone to bring food to a gathering? Most people appreciate it, or even feel it's rude not to. And better the kid sat in the car than sat around whining at everyone else.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Pupmom View Post
A few years ago, the our boys and us went to my daughters for Christmas.(this was before we moved to the area) We were all making Christmas Dinner and my daughter and hubby come into the kitchen and say they are going to his parents house for dinner, and we can eat whenever we want. I sort of had a stupid look on my face and my SIL says, I have no idea why they can't invite you too, they are just weird. (His family owns a huge business, have a large house, so I know its not that they can't accomodate everyone or afford to feed a few extra people.
This is odd. They started making dinner with you then suddenly said "oops no we're leaving and going somewhere else instead"?? Sounds pretty rude all around, when the correct response was "Sorry, Mom and Dad, but we can't come over because Jane's parents are in town and we're having Christmas dinner with them."


Quote:
Originally Posted by Pupmom View Post
This past fathers day, my daughter asked us if we wanted to go out for lunch. THey asked my hubby where he wanted to go. He said a restaurant, but my son in law said, "oh that's where my side of the family is going for dinner," can we go some place else? (why couldn't both sides of the family all go at the same time?)
As it turned out, his mom didn't feel well, so no one on his side of the family went out. My daughter and son in law and my husband and I went out.

I find all of this separation of his side of the family and her side of the family strange. Why can't we all just go together.
Maybe his family is weird. Maybe there's something about them they don't want you to know. Regardless, if there will be an issue with his family, they are sparing you having to deal with that. It's weird but it's the way things are, so you might as well get used to it. Frankly, I'd find it a little strange for the two sides of the family to always spend holidays together; I know few people who wouldn't just split it up, and it's not because their families don't like each other, they're simply... separate families. Especially since such "blended" gatherings could easily become unwieldy with the number of people who would be included. I know they say that when you get married, you marry the person's whole family, but I wouldn't extend that to thinking your whole family married their whole family, too.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Pupmom View Post
The final straw is this past Christmas. My daughter asked if we could do Christmas on Christmas eve. I said fine. They were suppose to come around 4:30. Never arrived to 5:30 because the baby was napping. We had dinner, opened presents, faced time both brothers, etc and they left at 7PM so they could get the kids to bed and had to put together a few things from Santa Claus. They spent Christmas with his family at his parents home. My daughter called on Christmas Day, but I couldn't talk to her. My husband said I was in the shower. My husband and I went to the movies. (apparently, many people go to the movies on Christmas Day, it was packed.)
.
I don't understand what you're angry about in this situation. The fact that they were late (because of a baby's nap; would it have been better to have a cranky tired baby screaming all night?) and left early because their kids have bedtimes (don't you remember what it was like to have small kids?)? The fact that you were in the shower when your daughter called and missed her call (you didn't call back?)?


Quote:
Originally Posted by Pupmom View Post
Thanks, we are being as flexible as possible because we don't want to make my son in law and daughter uncomfortable. I know my daughter thinks it is mostly because of the sister in law.
In his family, the family goes out for everyone's birthday. Her birthday was in the middle of the week and she said they were meeting at 5PM for dinner. My daughter is a teacher had had parent conferences until 5:30. It was a major blow up with the entire family. The sister in law said my son in law could order for her off the menu and she could arrive at 5:40 and eat her meal. My daughter said no she wouldn't come. The response was, School is over at 3. I don't believe you. (Her kids are in the same district- she knew parent teacher conferences were scheduled. My daughter and her hubby didn't attend the BD dinner. His parents and sister didn't talk to them for a few weeks. We will keep the peace.
So in this situation, family freaks out because your daughter legitimately has work, and so she compounds it by getting in a snit and saying "no I just won't come then" even though a solution was offered? It sounds like the issues go both ways. I don't see where the SIL is the issue here, if she is the one who said it was fine that your daughter came late.
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