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Old 01-20-2020, 08:34 AM
 
Location: Central Texas
1 posts, read 707 times
Reputation: 10

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I moved to Texas 3.5 years ago to be with my now fiancé. He has two children from a previous marriage. Long story short their mother lost custody of the 17 year old daughter, and she now lives with my fiancé and I. She has been with us for 2 years. She just recently moved back in with us, because 2 months ago she had snuck a boy in through her bedroom window (she was 16 the also) and I caught him in her bed. I gave her the choice to live by our rules or get out (it has been a never ending battle with her, and THIS is one of the lesser problems we have with her). She didn't even know this boy only had spoke to him in snapchat, and we hadn't a clue who he was or even how old he was. Anyhow, long story short she convinced herself she could "do it on her own" and was couch hopping for 2 months, until she found a new boyfriend who moved her in with him. They split because well they're 17 and 18 and living together in his grandmas house, and he is still texting his 14 YEAR OLD GIRLFRIEND (he's 18) and so her father and I told her to come home, she is our child after all and we do love her. But anyway, she knows i don't want her to leave again so she is taking advantage and asking me to allow her to do things that before I would NEVER allow her to do. (I say I but I mean, we, her father and I) We have ran into some financial issues and plan to move back to my hometown where my family is and get a new start on life somewhere new. My plan was to not tell her until last minute, like the same day were leaving out of fear she will run away and prevent us from leaving. If we do not leave, we will be homeless. My fiancé and I have a 2 year old together as well. We just don't have the resources here that i have back home. He was laid off from an amazing job that paid well enough for us to live, not super comfortable, paycheck to paycheck still because of back support and what not, but we were living. She is very selfish when it comes to what she wants versus what we need to do. My question is this, if i tell her we are leaving and she decides to run away, we can not leave the state without her, correct? Wont it be considered abandonment? I don't want to leave her behind, I treat her as if she is my own, and i believe she is still a CHILD she is NOT of age, she needs to be with us. I need help!!
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Old 01-20-2020, 04:43 PM
 
14,241 posts, read 15,393,371 times
Reputation: 12055
Don’t spring it on her last minute that sounds cruel, besides she could also refused to go at that point. How much longer till she’s 18? Star by helping her to figure out what she wants to be and do for the next few years. Help her to head on that direction. Tell her the whys of your move, she’s old enough to understand finances. Compare and contrast for her the opportunities she has in both places. The new move offers her a chance to start over without people judging her. Figure out if she can stay with someone till the school year is over if you move before. Remember she may be young and rash, but she feels like an adult in her mind, give her adult things to think about and help guide her
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Old 01-20-2020, 05:33 PM
 
13,464 posts, read 21,831,058 times
Reputation: 36951
Is she attending school? If she is, I would move heaven and earth to make sure she finishes in place.

If not, then I agree with hothulamaui, lay out the limited options she is facing, and involve her in planning her future.
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Old 01-20-2020, 09:18 PM
 
14,288 posts, read 5,903,511 times
Reputation: 33775
I'll compose a thoughtful answer if the OP checks back in on this thread.
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Old 01-20-2020, 10:38 PM
 
2,485 posts, read 899,408 times
Reputation: 6403
I would tell her that you have no choice but to move due to financial issues.
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Old 01-22-2020, 07:33 PM
 
5,170 posts, read 4,462,029 times
Reputation: 14867
Legally, she can leave home at 17. It's not running away, it's leaving home. But I would have that discussion with her ASAP about the fact that you need to move, her life goals, what she wants. You need to help her to become equipped to support herself so that she won't need to rely on a man for food, clothing, shelter, transportation, etc.
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Old 01-23-2020, 10:09 AM
 
Location: Brew City
4,867 posts, read 3,007,097 times
Reputation: 6702
You gave her the option to live by your rules or get out and were surprised when she chose to get out?
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Old 01-23-2020, 11:07 AM
 
Location: Howard County, Maryland
6,844 posts, read 4,293,311 times
Reputation: 19098
Paragraphs are your friend, OP.

If this girl is a senior in high school, I would do everything possible to remain where you are until she graduates (which would only be, what, 4 months from now?) If you can't stay even for that length of time, perhaps you can find a friend who would be willing to let her crash on their couch for 4 months.
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Old 01-23-2020, 11:38 AM
 
962 posts, read 377,192 times
Reputation: 1316
Quote:
Originally Posted by TuesdaysMamaPlus2 View Post
I moved to Texas 3.5 years ago to be with my now fiancé. He has two children from a previous marriage. Long story short their mother lost custody of the 17 year old daughter, and she now lives with my fiancé and I. She has been with us for 2 years. She just recently moved back in with us, because 2 months ago she had snuck a boy in through her bedroom window (she was 16 the also) and I caught him in her bed. I gave her the choice to live by our rules or get out (it has been a never ending battle with her, and THIS is one of the lesser problems we have with her). She didn't even know this boy only had spoke to him in snapchat, and we hadn't a clue who he was or even how old he was. Anyhow, long story short she convinced herself she could "do it on her own" and was couch hopping for 2 months, until she found a new boyfriend who moved her in with him. They split because well they're 17 and 18 and living together in his grandmas house, and he is still texting his 14 YEAR OLD GIRLFRIEND (he's 18) and so her father and I told her to come home, she is our child after all and we do love her. But anyway, she knows i don't want her to leave again so she is taking advantage and asking me to allow her to do things that before I would NEVER allow her to do. (I say I but I mean, we, her father and I) We have ran into some financial issues and plan to move back to my hometown where my family is and get a new start on life somewhere new. My plan was to not tell her until last minute, like the same day were leaving out of fear she will run away and prevent us from leaving. If we do not leave, we will be homeless. My fiancé and I have a 2 year old together as well. We just don't have the resources here that i have back home. He was laid off from an amazing job that paid well enough for us to live, not super comfortable, paycheck to paycheck still because of back support and what not, but we were living. She is very selfish when it comes to what she wants versus what we need to do. My question is this, if i tell her we are leaving and she decides to run away, we can not leave the state without her, correct? Wont it be considered abandonment? I don't want to leave her behind, I treat her as if she is my own, and i believe she is still a CHILD she is NOT of age, she needs to be with us. I need help!!
Shes just parroting you and her Dad who aren't married. With a little more experience and age, she will get better at living with guys. Agree, she still is a child. Probably should consult with an attorney about what could happen to her dad about abandonment.
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Old 01-23-2020, 12:21 PM
 
Location: Denver 'burbs
22,597 posts, read 24,259,875 times
Reputation: 39035
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
Is she attending school? If she is, I would move heaven and earth to make sure she finishes in place.

If not, then I agree with hothulamaui, lay out the limited options she is facing, and involve her in planning her future.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bus man View Post
Paragraphs are your friend, OP.

If this girl is a senior in high school, I would do everything possible to remain where you are until she graduates (which would only be, what, 4 months from now?) If you can't stay even for that length of time, perhaps you can find a friend who would be willing to let her crash on their couch for 4 months.
These.

Sounds as if she's had a lot of disruption in her life already. Try not to add more.

And absolutely do not spring it on her last minute. That's both cruel and demeaning. Why would she ever trust either of you after that?
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