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Old 01-27-2020, 07:46 AM
 
12,183 posts, read 9,623,965 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
I agree. Get an attorney and get everything in writing.
Wait. I assumed the OP had the custody agreement in writing. That's the bigger issue.
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Old 01-27-2020, 07:49 AM
 
Location: Richardson, TX
11,593 posts, read 18,360,160 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jaredC View Post
I wholeheartedly agree. Most folks on here think that as long as there are walls and a roof, she’s good. It’s actually pretty bizarre how folks on here are acting like a 4 year old living on the couch, in a high traffic common room, is completely acceptable.
What’s actually bizarre in this story that is you don’t have a lawyer to make your custody arrangement legal and protect yours and your daughter’s rights in the future.
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Old 01-27-2020, 09:36 AM
 
9,528 posts, read 3,571,629 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jaredC View Post
Hello. I found out something disturbing, and although I am not sure if I should be concerned or if this is even my business or my place to say something to my ex, but, she moved out not too long ago, and moved into her parents place. Her and I have split 50/50 custody of our 4 year old daughter.

I had my daughter last week and I found out that her and my ex, both sleep on the couch in the living room of her parents home. This concerns me as there are already 7 other people living in the household as it is (Mom, dad, two sisters, sisters boyfriend, one brother and another granddaughter). The house is a five bedroom house.

I would not be so concerned, however, my ex plans on living like this for several months. I do not like the fact that my daughter does not have a bedroom. It is one thing to share a bedroom with her mom, nothing wrong with that, but they are living in the living room!! My daughter has zero privacy, and it actually makes me angry to think that my ex is dragging her to live in these conditions with SEVEN people already living there.

Am I just being too protective of my daughter? Should I back off of this and not say anything to my ex?

Question...where would you have your ex go? I'm assuming if she could afford someplace else, she'd GO someplace else. Remember...your ex, (probably more so than your daughter) would probably prefer more privacy too. Just as much as you would prefer it.


So...what should she do?
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Old 01-27-2020, 09:46 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
48,514 posts, read 46,777,539 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by charlygal View Post
Wait. I assumed the OP had the custody agreement in writing. That's the bigger issue.
He hasn't confirmed that.

They never really made anything official, so I don't know why this would be an exception.
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Old 01-27-2020, 09:57 AM
 
Location: Loudon, TN
6,997 posts, read 5,646,952 times
Reputation: 24102
Quote:
Originally Posted by jaredC View Post
No I get it, there’s much worse living conditions to live in. But, with seven other people in the house, with people coming and going at all times of the day/night, is not an ideal living condition if you are living on the couch as an adult. I’m concerned about my 4 year old. She needs privacy and a room to herself, whether it’s shared with her mom or just herself. Also, my ex wouldn’t grant me full custody.
You are right, this is not appropriate. While I don't agree that a 4 year old needs her own room, children that age often share with older siblings or a single parent, I don't think it's appropriate for her to be housed with an aunt's boyfriend. What do you know about this guy? A child that age shouldn't be staying with an unrelated adult male in the house that you don't know. Plus, with all those people coming and going it promotes a bit of a hectic environment, and that can lead to haphazard supervision of the child ("No, I don't know where Suzie is, I thought you were watching her"). You also have no idea what other strangers all these adults might be bringing into the home. If it were just G'ma and G'pa and mom and daughter...great. With all these folks...no.

What your ex would "grant" doesn't mean squat. The court is the only one with "granting" privileges. You can possibly convince your ex by having it stated by the court that sole physical custody with you is just temporary until she obtains appropriate housing, at which time it would revert to 50/50. That should give her more incentive to get a place on her own ASAP. I would be getting with a lawyer TODAY. Any court in it's right mind would grant you temporary physical custody until this situation is remedied. You will need to prove that your situation would be better, not only in her having her own space, but what childcare arrangements are going to be at your place while you are at work, and that you will be with her in your care for all except your working hours, and those working hours are reasonable.

Last edited by TheShadow; 01-27-2020 at 10:07 AM..
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Old 01-27-2020, 10:00 AM
 
Location: Loudon, TN
6,997 posts, read 5,646,952 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nut4sweets View Post
I think you should be relax and not be too worked up about this. Is your ex Hispanic or Asian? Your daughter is the only child, and she may even enjoy a full house of people who loves her. Also, your ex needs the support from her family and to save money to get her own place in a few months. A happy mom is better for your kid than a stressful mom. My parents’ house is always full of people, but my daughter loves spending the sleep-over there on the weekend she’s with me when she’s under 8 years old. I’ve always had my own house, but we have spent many weekends there sleeping on a mattress in my parents’ living room. Those weekends have been the most peaceful and happy time of our lives. My parents and siblings would be dotting on both of us, giving me more time to concentrate on my daughter.

When your coparenting with your ex, pick your battle. As long as no harm is done, and it works for your ex and kid, leave it be.
Who says no harm is done? How would Dad protect her if ex's sister's BF decides to "help her" with going potty or bathing while mom is somewhere else? Are you certain no harm will be done? You can't undo the harm that can be done in one horrible event. Spending a weekend on grandma's couch while parents are there full-time is one thing, living full-time on a sofa while mom goes to work and seven adults of varying degrees of accountability wander around your child all day, everyday is something else entirely.

Last edited by TheShadow; 01-27-2020 at 10:13 AM..
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Old 01-27-2020, 11:58 AM
 
410 posts, read 192,440 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheShadow View Post
Who says no harm is done? How would Dad protect her if ex's sister's BF decides to "help her" with going potty or bathing while mom is somewhere else? Are you certain no harm will be done? You can't undo the harm that can be done in one horrible event. Spending a weekend on grandma's couch while parents are there full-time is one thing, living full-time on a sofa while mom goes to work and seven adults of varying degrees of accountability wander around your child all day, everyday is something else entirely.

Yes, I read that part, and my response still stands. I don't think his ex would leave her 4 years olds girl out of her sight when she stays there. Haven't you ever seen a 4 years old only child with her mom? They would be clinging to mom every step of the way. My kid would still shower with me, sleep with me, sit close to me when eating, also hold my hands or sit next to me at that age. I couldn't even go to bathroom by myself without her seeing me (she would sit in the bathroom, if not on my lap waiting for me). Until she's around 6 that I was so insisting to teach her about privacy even from me that she would take a shower by herself and stay outside the door when I used the bathroom. Unless the sister's boyfriend is a very questionable person, I'm sure mom will protect her little one just fine for a few months there.


Also, the kid would go to day-care when his ex is at work. Like other posters point out, it would be not a good situation for the kid if this extends to years, but this situation is temporary (few months), so mom can save money to prepare themselves better.
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Old 01-27-2020, 01:06 PM
 
16,765 posts, read 9,258,338 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tamajane View Post
You know no one is saying that kids can't share bedrooms or a parent can't live with a child in a studio apartment. None of this is about that.
No. This is about some guy who wants control. We know nothing about the other side of the story. There’s no reason to believe this 5 bedroom house is abusive. No rampant drug use. It’s not like the child is sleeping in a cardboard box under the railroad bridge.
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Old 01-27-2020, 01:49 PM
 
Location: SoCal again
17,261 posts, read 14,242,838 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GeoffD View Post
No. This is about some guy who wants control. We know nothing about the other side of the story. There’s no reason to believe this 5 bedroom house is abusive. No rampant drug use. It’s not like the child is sleeping in a cardboard box under the railroad bridge.
I second this. In my area there are often 10-15 people in a 3 bedroom house. Not unusual in areas where rent is expensive.

How much privacy does a 4 year old need and for what?
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Old 01-27-2020, 02:11 PM
 
5,188 posts, read 4,477,557 times
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They need a quiet place to sleep, and they need more hours of sleep than a crowded and chaotic household's living room couch affords. Assuming that the mother is constantly with the child, the child is at least safe from molestation, but will surely get very little sleep.
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