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Old Today, 12:28 PM
 
2,260 posts, read 2,665,186 times
Reputation: 1844

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Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
jared has posted here for years, before they were married, about this woman who came into his life waving flaming red flags, but you know how love is.

He's never been "in charge" of this relationship, but if he wants to be a positive influence in his daughter's life, he needs to better about taking the initiative. She and her family will be formidable foes during this divorce, which is why he needs to get on his mule and get to work with the help of a pro to at least understand what his rights are.
We actually never married, thankfully. I did call her my wife, but not in any legal sense.
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Old Today, 12:35 PM
 
2,260 posts, read 2,665,186 times
Reputation: 1844
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
jared has posted here for years, before they were married, about this woman who came into his life waving flaming red flags, but you know how love is.

He's never been "in charge" of this relationship, but if he wants to be a positive influence in his daughter's life, he needs to better about taking the initiative. She and her family will be formidable foes during this divorce, which is why he needs to get on his mule and get to work with the help of a pro to at least understand what his rights are.
And yes, sadly I ignored those flaming red flags!! How stupid I was. I got one good thing out of this, which is my daughter, but everything else was just sh**!
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Old Today, 12:53 PM
 
Location: Florida
5,990 posts, read 3,941,595 times
Reputation: 11186
First, I'd try talking to your ex about it. Four-year-olds are not the most reliable narrators and it's possible that they were sleeping on the couch as a fluke; maybe they fell asleep there or maybe someone was staying over and using your ex's regular bedroom. See what's actually happening, if you haven't already.

I don't think that sleeping on a couch is a reason for her to lose custody and for your daughter not to be able to spend lots of time with her mom, assuming you check into it and it's true. My children slept through everything when they were that age. I doubt that someone leaving for the gym in the early morning is waking her up, to be honest.

If the house is safe and you aren't worried about the safety and appropriateness of the individuals living in the home, then I'd try to let this rest. I don't think sleeping on a couch for a few months is going to harm a young child. She doesn't really need privacy at this point... she is 4. Young children usually want to be close to their parents anyway; neither of mine slept alone at that age. I think being surrounded by a large, supportive family probably has more benefits than the potential (and largely theoretical) drawbacks of sleeping on a couch in a living room snuggled up with her mama.
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Old Today, 12:58 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
46,513 posts, read 44,826,780 times
Reputation: 91014
Quote:
Originally Posted by jaredC View Post

I am hoping that she sees ...
Jared, come on. This ^^ is not a plan.

You have rights as a father. You don't need to "go after her," but you do need to educate yourself about what those rights are so that you can step up AS a FATHER when necessary instead of "hoping" her mother does the right thing.

If you do have regrets about how things have gone with her, at least LEARN from them.
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Old Today, 01:29 PM
 
Location: British Columbia ~🌄 ☀️ ♥ 🍁 ♥ ☀️🌄~
8,356 posts, read 7,214,332 times
Reputation: 17152
Quote:
Originally Posted by jaredC View Post

....... Am I just being too protective of my daughter? Should I back off of this and not say anything to my ex?

Yes. Back off and say nothing. What you are being angry about is NOT being protective of the child, it's just you being angry and venting and creating more stress for the child in the long run. If the kid was older and attending full time school then sleeping on the living room couch might be disruptive but your daughter is only 4 years old and this is just a temporary situation. A 4 year old doesn't know any better and is too young yet to care about adult things like "privacy". Just because you are angry, does that mean your daughter should be angry too because she doesn't have something that she has no knowledge of? The sleeping situation is more stressful for her mother than it will be for the child.

Besides which, what is your alternative that you have to offer? I haven't seen you present an alternative. Are you prepared to take full time custody and responsibility of the child? Are you prepared to rent mom and daughter an apartment of their own to live in and you will contribute to all the affiliated expenses of them living alone in "privacy"?

Or are you just angry at her mother and looking for some excuse to rag on her mother about and try to make mother's life more miserable and stressful than it may already be? And if mom is made miserable then you thereby make your daughter miserable too?

If mother and child are happy and safe where they are and the rest of her family is sympathetic and accepting with the presently temporary situation then that happiness and acceptance will reflect on the child. And the child is safe and secure with a lot of adult people in the house loving on her and looking out for her best interests. Why spoil that?

If you don't have a better alternative then leave it be and don't try to add misery to injury just because YOU are angry at the mother and angry about where the child sleeps. Right now she is safe. She could be sleeping in much dreadfully worse and life-threatening conditions and with no safety net around her like the 7 adult family members she has now.

.
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Old Today, 01:49 PM
 
2,260 posts, read 2,665,186 times
Reputation: 1844
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherTouchOfWhimsy View Post
First, I'd try talking to your ex about it. Four-year-olds are not the most reliable narrators and it's possible that they were sleeping on the couch as a fluke; maybe they fell asleep there or maybe someone was staying over and using your ex's regular bedroom. See what's actually happening, if you haven't already.

I don't think that sleeping on a couch is a reason for her to lose custody and for your daughter not to be able to spend lots of time with her mom, assuming you check into it and it's true. My children slept through everything when they were that age. I doubt that someone leaving for the gym in the early morning is waking her up, to be honest.

If the house is safe and you aren't worried about the safety and appropriateness of the individuals living in the home, then I'd try to let this rest. I don't think sleeping on a couch for a few months is going to harm a young child. She doesn't really need privacy at this point... she is 4. Young children usually want to be close to their parents anyway; neither of mine slept alone at that age. I think being surrounded by a large, supportive family probably has more benefits than the potential (and largely theoretical) drawbacks of sleeping on a couch in a living room snuggled up with her mama.
I talked to my ex yesterday about it and she told me they are living on the couch. I told her that it is a terrible idea because our daughter needs a space of her own. At least when she’s at my house , she’s got her own room.
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Old Today, 01:50 PM
 
2,260 posts, read 2,665,186 times
Reputation: 1844
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
Jared, come on. This ^^ is not a plan.

You have rights as a father. You don't need to "go after her," but you do need to educate yourself about what those rights are so that you can step up AS a FATHER when necessary instead of "hoping" her mother does the right thing.

If you do have regrets about how things have gone with her, at least LEARN from them.
I’ve expressed my concerns to her about our daughter living on a couch. I told her if she wants to couch surf, that’s her business, but since my daughter is there too, I have concerns.
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Old Today, 01:54 PM
 
2,260 posts, read 2,665,186 times
Reputation: 1844
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zoisite View Post
Yes. Back off and say nothing. What you are being angry about is NOT being protective of the child, it's just you being angry and venting and creating more stress for the child in the long run. If the kid was older and attending full time school then sleeping on the living room couch might be disruptive but your daughter is only 4 years old and this is just a temporary situation. A 4 year old doesn't know any better and is too young yet to care about adult things like "privacy". Just because you are angry, does that mean your daughter should be angry too because she doesn't have something that she has no knowledge of? The sleeping situation is more stressful for her mother than it will be for the child.

Besides which, what is your alternative that you have to offer? I haven't seen you present an alternative. Are you prepared to take full time custody and responsibility of the child? Are you prepared to rent mom and daughter an apartment of their own to live in and you will contribute to all the affiliated expenses of them living alone in "privacy"?

Or are you just angry at her mother and looking for some excuse to rag on her mother about and try to make mother's life more miserable and stressful than it may already be? And if mom is made miserable then you thereby make your daughter miserable too?

If mother and child are happy and safe where they are and the rest of her family is sympathetic and accepting with the presently temporary situation then that happiness and acceptance will reflect on the child. And the child is safe and secure with a lot of adult people in the house loving on her and looking out for her best interests. Why spoil that?

If you don't have a better alternative then leave it be and don't try to add misery to injury just because YOU are angry at the mother and angry about where the child sleeps. Right now she is safe. She could be sleeping in much dreadfully worse and life-threatening conditions and with no safety net around her like the 7 adult family members she has now.

.
It’s not my job to provide an alternative to my ex’s living situation. She’s an adult and should be putting our daughters needs above her own. She can afford to move out on her own and get her own place, but she’s choosing to live where she is to save money. Hell, she makes slightly more money than I do, plus, I pay our daughters health insurance and it’s something my ex doesn’t need to worry about. There really isn’t an excuse for her living there. Also, our daughter will be starting kinder in August. She’s going to need her own space by then.
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Old Today, 02:07 PM
 
7,169 posts, read 3,393,636 times
Reputation: 18822
Glad you care.
Beyond that your determination to decide living arrangements stopped when they left.

Unless you are going to be a hostage of the child support system where your hard earned money is not mandated to go to the kid.
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Old Today, 02:23 PM
 
Location: Orig. Maryland. CA/TX.
702 posts, read 147,148 times
Reputation: 1273
Quote:
Originally Posted by jaredC View Post
No I get it, there’s much worse living conditions to live in. But, with seven other people in the house, with people coming and going at all times of the day/night, is not an ideal living condition if you are living on the couch as an adult. I’m concerned about my 4 year old. She needs privacy and a room to herself, whether it’s shared with her mom or just herself. Also, my ex wouldn’t grant me full custody.
Oh she's only 4? Ok nope that's terrible. If she was older I guess that wouldn't matter as much....
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