U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Covid-19 Information Page
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 01-26-2020, 12:37 PM
 
Location: NJ
13,197 posts, read 22,926,928 times
Reputation: 12176

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Katnan View Post
Yes, and this is a problem.

There are all kinds of resources out there for dads, they can go to a lawyer just as easily as a mom can. But they don't, and they complain when a situation is decided for them without their input. Don't be that guy, Jared. This is about your daughter's well-being and you should be fighting for her best interests. Will you?
Honestly, if it was me, I'd give her a few months and also tell her that she has a few months and if she doesn't get her own place, you're filing a motion.

She's 4, not in school yet. If she was in school, she and mom should have one bedroom at least.

The OP can also ask for custody while mom is living with her parents but I don't know many men that would even do that. My husband did, so does one guy I know but it's not common
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 01-26-2020, 12:42 PM
 
2,278 posts, read 2,756,181 times
Reputation: 1864
Quote:
Originally Posted by charlygal View Post
Did the OP say the mother could afford an apartment? She's couch surfing for fun?

Fostering is different and you know that.
Actually, she can afford her own place but chooses to live with her parents to save money.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-26-2020, 12:42 PM
 
Location: Florida
6,418 posts, read 4,177,371 times
Reputation: 11665
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
Neither that nor the idea that this is a "middle-class problem" is really relevant here.

The ex has said she could get her own place if she wanted to. Her parents have a history of enabling her. This isn't a storybook "babywearing" scenario by any means.




Exactly.

Jared needs to become more proactive as a parent, rather than merely going along with whatever this family dictates to him. That's the bottom line.
I haven't followed his story, just stumbled into this one thread. But in the case of a divorce/breakup, it's fine for the kid to have different rules/accommodations in different homes. He's actually the one attempting (and being encouraged) to dictate the living/sleeping arrangements; it doesn't sound like they're trying to dictate anything to him. He has joint custody and has her half the time. He is responsible for keeping her safe during his time and she is responsible for keeping her safe during her time. If she's not, then of course he should get involved and go to the courts. But sleeping on a couch isn't unsafe and falls under reasonable, if not ideal.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-26-2020, 12:46 PM
 
2,278 posts, read 2,756,181 times
Reputation: 1864
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherTouchOfWhimsy View Post
I think you are mistaken. I think it's important for loving, competent parents to have equal (or as close to equal as feasible) parenting time with their children. I'm not seeing that these are random hobos coming in and out of the house, but family members who live there. And I'm also hearing that this is a temporary situation, not where she will be for the next 5 years. A four-year-old is a year out of diapers... not even old enough to go to kindergarten. This is a non-issue regardless of which parent it is.
Actually, a huge majority of kids are entering kindergarten at age 5. Also, is my daughter getting her needed 11-12 hours of sleep per night? I wonder since she’s moody and grumpy most of the time. When I have her on my weeks, I make sure she gets extra sleep, and not surprisingly, she’s not grumpy.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-26-2020, 12:53 PM
 
8,544 posts, read 10,605,085 times
Reputation: 16140
Quote:
Originally Posted by jaredC View Post
I can always make the suggestion to her.

Your ex is not the sole person to make decisions for your daughter. Unless a judge has already ruled otherwise; you have just as much decision power as your ex. And if you cannot agree; then you must get that judge's decision.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-26-2020, 12:57 PM
 
Location: NJ
13,197 posts, read 22,926,928 times
Reputation: 12176
Quote:
Originally Posted by jaredC View Post
Actually, a huge majority of kids are entering kindergarten at age 5. Also, is my daughter getting her needed 11-12 hours of sleep per night? I wonder since she’s moody and grumpy most of the time. When I have her on my weeks, I make sure she gets extra sleep, and not surprisingly, she’s not grumpy.
So file for custody and be done with it. You'll then know how much sleep she's getting.

I'll be shocked if she's not napping during the day. Is she in daycare when mom works?

Do you guys even have a legal custody arrangement yet? If not, you need one.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jaredC View Post
Actually, she can afford her own place but chooses to live with her parents to save money.
That's a good thing if it is temporary.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-26-2020, 01:06 PM
 
Location: Florida
6,418 posts, read 4,177,371 times
Reputation: 11665
Quote:
Originally Posted by jaredC View Post
Actually, a huge majority of kids are entering kindergarten at age 5. Also, is my daughter getting her needed 11-12 hours of sleep per night? I wonder since she’s moody and grumpy most of the time. When I have her on my weeks, I make sure she gets extra sleep, and not surprisingly, she’s not grumpy.
Right, which is why I said she's not in kindergarten yet... because you said she was 4. Not 5.

Whether or not she has her own bedroom, she might or might not get 10-12 hours of sleep. Most kids are sleep-deprived, unfortunately, for a variety of reasons. She could be grumpy for a whole host of reasons... and an indignant parent isn't really the person to most objectively judge whether a preschooler is more grumpy with the other parent.

If you are that worried about it, then you should go to the courts. I suspect it isn't going to turn out the way you want, assuming you want the judge to take the child away from her mother and place her with you full-time. And if the mother does go and get her own apartment and your daughter still isn't going to bed at 7 pm (or whatever you think is reasonable), then what are you going to do? At some point, you have to simply accept parenting differences and not micromanage what the other parent is doing as long as the child is safe and healthy and loved. Otherwise you are going to drive yourself (and your daughter and your ex and any partners you have) insane for the next 14 years.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-26-2020, 02:28 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
48,515 posts, read 46,777,539 times
Reputation: 95010
Quote:
Originally Posted by jaredC View Post
Actually, a huge majority of kids are entering kindergarten at age 5. Also, is my daughter getting her needed 11-12 hours of sleep per night? I wonder since she’s moody and grumpy most of the time. When I have her on my weeks, I make sure she gets extra sleep, and not surprisingly, she’s not grumpy.
Do you have an actual legal custody agreement, or just "an agreement" between the two of you?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-26-2020, 06:23 PM
 
Location: Wilmington NC
5,930 posts, read 5,663,609 times
Reputation: 15009
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zoisite View Post
Yes. Back off and say nothing. What you are being angry about is NOT being protective of the child, it's just you being angry and venting and creating more stress for the child in the long run. If the kid was older and attending full time school then sleeping on the living room couch might be disruptive but your daughter is only 4 years old and this is just a temporary situation. A 4 year old doesn't know any better and is too young yet to care about adult things like "privacy". Just because you are angry, does that mean your daughter should be angry too because she doesn't have something that she has no knowledge of? The sleeping situation is more stressful for her mother than it will be for the child.

Besides which, what is your alternative that you have to offer? I haven't seen you present an alternative. Are you prepared to take full time custody and responsibility of the child? Are you prepared to rent mom and daughter an apartment of their own to live in and you will contribute to all the affiliated expenses of them living alone in "privacy"?

Or are you just angry at her mother and looking for some excuse to rag on her mother about and try to make mother's life more miserable and stressful than it may already be? And if mom is made miserable then you thereby make your daughter miserable too?

If mother and child are happy and safe where they are and the rest of her family is sympathetic and accepting with the presently temporary situation then that happiness and acceptance will reflect on the child. And the child is safe and secure with a lot of adult people in the house loving on her and looking out for her best interests. Why spoil that?

If you don't have a better alternative then leave it be and don't try to add misery to injury just because YOU are angry at the mother and angry about where the child sleeps. Right now she is safe. She could be sleeping in much dreadfully worse and life-threatening conditions and with no safety net around her like the 7 adult family members she has now.

.
I don't know the back story but this is kind of what I thought about it also.

For hundreds of years people have shared space with family members in all kinds of living arrangements...very often multiple generations sleeping in one room. What you are describing is really not as atypical as you think, and is not, in itself, going to cause any lasting harm to a 4 year old.

If you want to seek custody of your child, so be it, but don't expect a judge to be too impressed by your outrage over the sleeping arrangements in a full house. ASSUMING all other factors are acceptable.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-26-2020, 08:34 PM
Status: "Some assembly required." (set 17 days ago)
 
Location: Columbia, South Carolina
9,665 posts, read 5,389,818 times
Reputation: 11395
Quote:
Originally Posted by jaredC View Post
Actually, she can afford her own place but chooses to live with her parents to save money.
If this is the case, get a lawyer and see if she can be compelled to move into her own place with your child now. I know a lot of people keep telling you to get a lawyer, but just from what I have seen in this thread, you probably need to hear it a few more (hundred) times. Since you are not married and this is the first thread I have joined in that you started, I hope you actually have rights to the child

Good luck
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 11:47 PM.

© 2005-2020, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top