U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 01-30-2020, 09:34 AM
 
Location: NJ
12,210 posts, read 22,297,869 times
Reputation: 11047

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by GingerElla View Post
I picked this school because of their approach to learning - giving the child time and the atmosphere to focus and go deeper into activities. And I do like the peace token idea of resolving conflict. I’m just wondering, what the limits are, and if I pull her out, am I giving her the wrong message that I don’t think she can stand up for herself? I want her to be strong and resilient. When is it too much, though?
In kindergarten I was regularly punched in the stomach by a boy named Scott Parker. I'm clueless why he chose me to be the one that he punched; I guess if he hit another boy they would punch him back. He was eventually removed from class but it didn't stop him until he was kicked out of school.

I'm going to be 54 in a month and still remember the punches, I wasn't much older then your daughter. If it doesn't stop, your daughter could potentially have memories of this girl hitting her with the school not stepping up for the rest of her life too. She is being bullied.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 01-30-2020, 10:20 AM
 
Location: Winterpeg
1,035 posts, read 407,898 times
Reputation: 4384
What is the response of the adults in the room when your daughter said "No!" to the hitting? Did that parent just watch your kid having to defend herself? Did the teacher intervene on the spot? How did they help your daughter in the moment to show her they had her back, so to speak?

First of all, kids need to know that the adults in their life will protect them. They're 3, they're just babies, they are learning. So I'm not suggesting the hitter is a horrible little human, but they need direction in the moment as well. Not waiting until the adults decide to set up a peace offering situation. That's too long after the "crime" to be useful at that age. 3 is not the age of reason!

Montessori is an awesome concept, but the schools vary widely in their application.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-30-2020, 01:27 PM
 
Location: The Carolinas
2,172 posts, read 2,132,299 times
Reputation: 6660
This could have long-term implications for your daughter if it isn't stopped. Though some "street-learning" SOME, is OK.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-30-2020, 01:39 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
46,616 posts, read 44,968,786 times
Reputation: 91240
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bridge781 View Post
Eh I feel like at age 3 kids should know not to hit. My kids are 3 and 5 and we haven’t had to deal with hitting in school on either side. So the mom here has reason to be mad.
I agree.

Hitting was not a regular part of preschool for my 3 kids, and if anything did happen it was handled by the teachers.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-30-2020, 05:33 PM
Status: "Potentially seconds from my next banning" (set 6 days ago)
 
Location: Central IL
16,126 posts, read 9,429,730 times
Reputation: 38147
Quote:
Originally Posted by musicfamly5 View Post
Don't settle for it, as much as your daughter might view this playmate as a "friend" this could be another lesson for her that not everyone deserves to be our friend. The teachers need to understand that this is unacceptable and if the behavior isn't worked on (with the parents help) then maybe see about changing classes or schools. I really wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my child there if she's constantly having to defend herself or be in an environment were hitting/violence is so passively addressed by the guardians.
I agree that it might be helpful to explain to your daughter that just because someone says they are your "friend" doesn't mean it is true or that you put up with such behavior.

You daughter has learned to say "no" which is great - are you also telling her to remove herself from the situation and perhaps to avoid this girl completely? Even to the point of walking the other direction if the girl approaches?

You should also explain to the teachers that this is what you're trying to have your daughter do in case they are constantly shoving the girls together as a way to MAKE them be friends - that is very unhealthy given the current hitting behavior.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-30-2020, 06:13 PM
 
6,986 posts, read 3,964,359 times
Reputation: 24665
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bridge781 View Post
I would rather go through the school than through a kids parents who I don’t know. If it were really bad I could see going to the parent...but for 3 yr olds hitting it seems like something the teacher should handle. They should be the one to tell the hitters parents. Some parents get very defensive of their kids and it could get ugly.
Tell me about it. I lost a friend when my three-year-old bit her three-year-old on the arm. It was a one-time experiment on my daughter's part. We talked at length about biting people that evening and I even apologized for her behavior (which I'd never do now as I'm experienced enough to know I can't control other peoples' behavior.)

One typical three-year-old behavior and it went unforgiven. Sad. But maybe never getting to play with her friend again helped reinforce that nothing good comes from biting your playmates.

I called my mom for advice. She laughed and said I'd bitten her friend's son on the nose. Naw. Couldn't be true.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-30-2020, 06:48 PM
 
Location: Central, NJ
2,484 posts, read 5,189,100 times
Reputation: 3616
Quote:
Originally Posted by GingerElla View Post
I picked this school because of their approach to learning - giving the child time and the atmosphere to focus and go deeper into activities. And I do like the peace token idea of resolving conflict. I’m just wondering, what the limits are, and if I pull her out, am I giving her the wrong message that I don’t think she can stand up for herself? I want her to be strong and resilient. When is it too much, though?
If your adult friend was being hit by someone, how many times would you tell her was enough?

Both children wanting to play with the same toy is a conflict. Both children wanting to sit next to the same child at snack is a conflict. One child hitting another isn't a conflict that one needs to buy their way out of. Getting hit isn't anything a 3 year old needs to work out for themselves.

Just to be clear - I'm not saying this other child is a monster, or should be shunned. It's a fairly common behavioral problem. It's just not a problem that another child has to solve or suffer through. That's on the adults.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-30-2020, 06:53 PM
 
72 posts, read 18,831 times
Reputation: 232
An adult, preferably parent or teacher, needs to get down to this child's face and say firmly and authoritatively "NO! We do not hit each other."

Immediately after the incident, in front of your daughter.

What kind of silly adults are running this school?

I would not allow this child to be near my daughter.

Peace offering? Please.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-30-2020, 07:57 PM
 
13,164 posts, read 5,328,742 times
Reputation: 31966
This is complicated.

I do agree that kids can be rough and tumble, and one kid pushing another is kind of to be expected, when they're preschoolers.

But this has gone on too long. This one girl made your daughter not want to go to school, and then you invited her over to forge a friendship and now this girl has bruised your daughter by hitting her with an object.

If none of the other kids are being pushed around and bullied, it's likely the other parents don't care enough to raise a stink, so that's not happening, because your daughter is absorbing all the violence this child is dishing out.

I think it's time for a heart to heart with the school admin. This is the sort of thing, OP, that I regret not acting on when my now adult sons were little. This is too much for her to endure, without adults stopping the problem.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-31-2020, 09:29 PM
 
10 posts, read 1,617 times
Reputation: 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by nana053 View Post
Preschools have protocols in place for hitting and biting as it is common for the age. Parents cannot actually address the hitting that happens at school because the timing is not going to work.

In general, what our preschools did was to shadow the hitter or biter to prevent the hit or bite. Then they would talk to the kids together and give the aggressive child other things they can do instead. Parents can talk to the child at home and should, but the school needs to address this in the moment.
I agree with all of this. It is so hard for the parents to address the other parent en vivo because the issue has already occurred. Yes, shadowing is a great idea, to see what the antecedent is? What is the child experiencing before they choose to engage in harmful behavior.

I was a preschool teacher for 12 years then went on to be a validator. The thing is every school has there standards and protocols. Usually upon acceptance into a program of ours we have the parents do ASQ, ASQ-SE, so we could gauge where the child was upon entry. This was a great tool used in order to develop an individual education plan aka IEP.

We were also an inclusive program and dealt with children with behaviors, whether they be environmental or due to cognitive delays we could get resources on board to allow the child to get early intervention.

Empathy at times is innate but if the said aggressive child does not observe this in the home? It most likely will lay by the wayside, so we must use teachable moments in order to teach empathy, even with shadowing you and I know things happen. The parent needs to be on board ( Agressor )
And we as educators need to state to the hurt child in front of the aggressive child, "Ouch, that hurts huh? I am so sorry this happened to you" Hug the child and fawn over them. To the aggressive child we say, "You hurt my friend, that's not okay, we use our words here" The face then hurt child and encourage them to tell the aggressive child, "Stop, its not okay". This all occurs in front of a teacher.

At the end of the day? Our goal is to prepare our littles to move on and be successful and to curb behaviors that will disable them later in life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
The peace token is part of how Montessori schools do deal with aggression "in the moment."

They have a whole system that builds "peace education" in with the curriculum, but at this age IMHO it doesn't deal quickly enough with the actual problem.

OP did you choose this school for a reason? I would sit down with the school director and talk about your concerns that your child is being continually victimized while they stick to a protocol that doesn't seem to be working with the hitter.

Then you need to re-evaluate whether this is the preschool for you, based on their response to your concerns.
I agree with you also. Peace is always strived for but children are not always cookie cutter since they have inadvertently inherited their first set of behaviors and what is tolerated and what is not and how it is dealt with from their first teachers ( PARENTS). I would say to wait of this is being addressed but if it is an ongoing issue? The child who Is being bullied is not learning much. That causes stress in the family as children have anxiety as well.. No parent wants to leave their child crying because their experience is awful at school.
I encourage the OP to be assertive, never be afraid of questioning protocol, what the practices are? And if nothing seems to be improve? Go through chain of command. "The squeaky wheel gets the grease"

Quote:
Originally Posted by LilLisa83 View Post
You march your self in the school and raise hell.you are expecting little kids to deal with this on their own?! The school is obviously messed up if they don't intervene...
Absolutely! The OP does not pay money for her child to be bullied or hurt, this breaks my heart.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GingerElla View Post
I picked this school because of their approach to learning - giving the child time and the atmosphere to focus and go deeper into activities. And I do like the peace token idea of resolving conflict. I’m just wondering, what the limits are, and if I pull her out, am I giving her the wrong message that I don’t think she can stand up for herself? I want her to be strong and resilient. When is it too much, though?
I get it, none of us ( including myself) would have pulled my child out especially over an issue that was not my childs but an abuse issue.
BUT, YOU AS A PARENT deserves the peace of mind when leaving your child anywhere.

I am no longer an educator but have many credentials to speak of. You as a parent have many RIGHTS!
You have the right to see what education the teachers have that are teaching your child.
I know Montessori well, I did many hours validating and it does have some key points. The children focus on "Work" rather than a scheduled plan. The work they do is there for them until they master it. It works for some children BUT not for all.
Aside from this? I am aware that Montessori does not do prelims testing to see where the child is at. So there would be no way to detect a cognitive delay or a disturbed child. I do not know you or your child nor will I pretend but I will say this, with children that test within the range of "Normal" there are 2 types.. A older 3 or a younger 3. Cognitively? Both children are on the same learning curve BUT social/emotional? You will have a 3 year old that is socially mature and one that is not.
And if you do not have educators that have degrees? In ECS? They will not know how to help the children in the classroom that is when behaviors are commonly seen.

There is no harm placing your child in a program that will cater to their learning style and be up on education. I honestly wish you the best,
The
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2020, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top