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My daughter started a new preschool this past September and loved it in the beginning. But she started coming home complaining about being pushed and hit by another little girl. She started resisting going to school. I tried to bolster her confidence letting her know that this should not be happening and telling her to confront the girl and tell her “No!” At the same time I let the school know this was happening. The school tries to encourage the children to work out things by sharing how they feel with the other child and offering a peace token. This helped and I think gave my daughter a sense of confidence and control. We initiated a play date with the other little girl - it turned out she had liked my daughter all along and calls her “her best friend” and apparently that was how she expressed this feeling. However last week, she hit my daughter with an object causing bruising. I’m just wondering, how long do I let this go on? They are 3 going on 4. What is age appropriate? How much do I keep expecting and encouraging my daughter to handle it with the other child?
My daughter started a new preschool this past September and loved it in the beginning. But she started coming home complaining about being pushed and hit by another little girl. She started resisting going to school. I tried to bolster her confidence letting her know that this should not be happening and telling her to confront the girl and tell her “No!” At the same time I let the school know this was happening. The school tries to encourage the children to work out things by sharing how they feel with the other child and offering a peace token. This helped and I think gave my daughter a sense of confidence and control. We initiated a play date with the other little girl - it turned out she had liked my daughter all along and calls her “her best friend” and apparently that was how she expressed this feeling. However last week, she hit my daughter with an object causing bruising. I’m just wondering, how long do I let this go on? They are 3 going on 4. What is age appropriate? How much do I keep expecting and encouraging my daughter to handle it with the other child?
I don’t think so, no. It’s to let the child know how you feel when you are hit. It’s to help the other child develop empathy and encourage dialog instead of retaliation. The school says the other child is still developing her empathy ( they’re 3), but I’m just concerned that my child keeps getting hurt. And yet I want her to learn to stand up for herself. Another parent told me she saw my child stand up strongly and say “no!” when she was hit. So that’s good. I want her to know that she’ll encounter people like this all her life but that she can handle it. But how much is too much?
I've worked with children this age and while I understand that children under a certain age still need to develop empathy, it is the responsibility of the parents, teacher and the school/care center to help that child develop an understanding and learn why it's wrong.
Children absolutely shouldn't be allowed to continue behavior that harms others. And if it's at a point were other adults notice your daughter is getting hit despite her vocal protests than I assume it happens even more behind adults backs and that's totally inexcusable.
Even at 3 children have a pretty good idea that hitting is wrong. Your child's playmate has obviously been talked to and at this point knows it wrong but does it anyway. And what's worse she views it as a normal "friendly" interaction which means it's that much harder to break the habit (possibly due to how the action is used or reacted toward at home). This isn't about missing empathy, otherwise every other 3 year old would be doing similar things. This is about allowed negative behavior at home and in the classroom.
Don't settle for it, as much as your daughter might view this playmate as a "friend" this could be another lesson for her that not everyone deserves to be our friend. The teachers need to understand that this is unacceptable and if the behavior isn't worked on (with the parents help) then maybe see about changing classes or schools. I really wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my child there if she's constantly having to defend herself or be in an environment were hitting/violence is so passively addressed by the guardians.
You've done everything right so far. Now it's time to tell the director that the hitter needs one on one supervision, or to be moved to a behaviorally disordered classroom. You are not paying for your daughter to be brutalized in school. I understand that they are very young, but it doesn't matter. Even if it were an 18 month old biter, the solution is to supervise the 18 month old one on one so that she doesn't hurt the other children. A three year old can be taught not to hit, should have already learned not to hit, and needs one on one supervision or removal if she hasn't yet learned that.
When I was a pre-teen the minister's kid used to follow me home from school throwing clods of dirt and stuff at me. When I complained to my mother her response was that he had a crush on me. Um, so I guess I was supposed to be flattered that he was paying attention?
I don't know if she did anything to intervene or not but when I turned around and gave him a black eye the daily attention stopped. That would have been fine with me but then I had to endure maybe two months of everybody in town commenting that I didn't have very "ladylike" behavior.
Do parents ever talk to each other directly any more, or is it all expected to be handled through the school? Just wondering how we are teaching our children to handle conflict when the adults seem so reluctant to address it themselves.
I would rather go through the school than through a kids parents who I don’t know. If it were really bad I could see going to the parent...but for 3 yr olds hitting it seems like something the teacher should handle. They should be the one to tell the hitters parents. Some parents get very defensive of their kids and it could get ugly.
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