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Old 02-08-2020, 10:56 AM
 
64 posts, read 22,390 times
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My friend had a troubled first marriage. Her kids were affected by it. She also was on her phone all the time and didn’t always pay attention to them. They were very badly behaved. After so many fights, and break ups she finally split with her husband and met and married a new man. She told me she couldn’t be married to this new guy and not give him a child so she got pregnant and had a new kid. This new child became their world and her other kids further neglected. Now her 2 children from her first marriage are teens and screwed up. Drugs, ditching school, stealing etc....people told her to not have the 3rd kid and now she doesn’t speak to them. Even her own parents who said it was a terrible idea. I kind of agree with them but won’t tell her that. Why do women think they have to give a man a child? Sometimes if isn’t always right. Sometimes it can be a bit selfish. Would it have been a better choice to give more attention to her 2 children?
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Old 02-08-2020, 11:05 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
81,615 posts, read 74,748,964 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JenniferLB75 View Post
My friend had a troubled first marriage. Her kids were affected by it. She also was on her phone all the time and didn’t always pay attention to them. They were very badly behaved. After so many fights, and break ups she finally split with her husband and met and married a new man. She told me she couldn’t be married to this new guy and not give him a child so she got pregnant and had a new kid. This new child became their world and her other kids further neglected. Now her 2 children from her first marriage are teens and screwed up. Drugs, ditching school, stealing etc....people told her to not have the 3rd kid and now she doesn’t speak to them. Even her own parents who said it was a terrible idea. I kind of agree with them but won’t tell her that. Why do women think they have to give a man a child? Sometimes if isn’t always right. Sometimes it can be a bit selfish. Would it have been a better choice to give more attention to her 2 children?
How do you know it wasn't his idea? Maybe having a child was important to him. And maybe he wasn't interested in parenting "someone else's kids". Of course it's sad. It sounds like she wasn't mature enough to have kids from the start.
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Old 02-08-2020, 01:20 PM
 
Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
4,041 posts, read 9,626,579 times
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The behavior of the first 2 isn't all her fault. Surely, the bio dad can share in the blame.
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Old 02-09-2020, 02:32 AM
 
4,651 posts, read 4,151,587 times
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About the wanting to give the new man children: I have often seen, in low socioeconomic settings, young women who have already had 3,4,5 kids by age 21, often by multiple men, requesting tubal ligation, and being refused it by the OBGYN because, "As soon as she meets the next boyfriend, she's going to want to give him a child, and will regret having had the tubal ligation."

Of course, no one worked. Not the mom, not the "baby daddies", no one.
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Old 02-09-2020, 06:05 AM
 
4,551 posts, read 1,982,518 times
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Chances are this mother was not given the attention she needed from her own parents to be aware of the possibilities of different outcomes. She basically had to figure things out for herself and may be raising her children in the same manner. If her children ever want attention, they will have to 'figure' out how to get it.
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Old 02-09-2020, 10:21 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
81,615 posts, read 74,748,964 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elyn02 View Post
Chances are this mother was not given the attention she needed from her own parents to be aware of the possibilities of different outcomes. She basically had to figure things out for herself and may be raising her children in the same manner. If her children ever want attention, they will have to 'figure' out how to get it.
I suspect this is more common than people think. Sadly.
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Old 02-09-2020, 10:36 AM
 
7,228 posts, read 3,440,529 times
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Ultimately it's her body and her choice. How SHE parents is separate from how she chose to add another child into the family.

If the teens are as out of hand as you state....be part of the solution. Find ways to mentor. Otherwise your just sitting on the sidelines unkindly speaking of her choices.
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Old 02-09-2020, 11:45 AM
Status: "At ease" (set 12 hours ago)
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
60,344 posts, read 57,709,723 times
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It is always easier for people who don't have children themselves to look at those who do and point out what they should do or should have done.

The fact of the matter is that when you are a parent, there is no magic formula that ensures your kids will turn out one way or another.

How do I know the OP doesn't have kids? The answer is in the title of this thread.

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Only people who have never had children think the word "control" is applicable when it comes to talking about parenting.
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Old 02-09-2020, 03:05 PM
 
2,698 posts, read 1,137,185 times
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As a parent and grandparent I have to admit that I did not have a great deal of influence on my children's behavior as teenagers and my parents didn't have a great deal of influence on my behavior in my late teens and early 20's. Most kids I knew drank and did drugs, some stole groceries they couldn't afford. We all turned out OK. Some of the kids that were spoiled and catered to the most by their parents turned out the worst.
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Old 02-09-2020, 06:04 PM
 
4,682 posts, read 3,146,120 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
It is always easier for people who don't have children themselves to look at those who do and point out what they should do or should have done.

The fact of the matter is that when you are a parent, there is no magic formula that ensures your kids will turn out one way or another.
Some of the very best parents still have teens that get into trouble, me included. Most grow out of it and turn out fine and become good parents themselves.

OP, hope your friend is very happy now with a good husband and baby. It's tough when you're in a bad marriage. Not sure how you knew she was always on her phone. Anyway, it's no one's business. They made the decision to have a child.
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