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Old 02-23-2020, 04:13 PM
 
27,764 posts, read 19,628,188 times
Reputation: 48931

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Harpaint View Post
THIS!!! You seem to expect an extraordinary amount from a 16 year old girl.
Did you see the chores? It’s basic stuff, feed your cat, once a week clean the bathroom, if your dishes are dirty put them in the dishwasher. I don’t think it’s too much. She only works a few hours a week but she’s still s member of the household. Feed your cat is not expecting too much.
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Old 02-23-2020, 05:31 PM
 
1,368 posts, read 357,748 times
Reputation: 1722
True story about how sneaky children can be when it comes to having a cell phone. I know a high school teacher who would take away a students phone if THE STUDENT is caught using it during class. It would be returned after the class was over. One day she took a students phone and before the teacher walked back to the front of the class THE STUDENT HAD HER EXTRA PHONE OUT AND WAS MAKING A CALL.......
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Old 02-24-2020, 05:02 AM
Status: "The ministers cat is an exhausted cat" (set 24 days ago)
 
Location: NJ
1,058 posts, read 363,411 times
Reputation: 3606
Quote:
Originally Posted by OutdoorsExplorer View Post
You must be 16. The thought process of a teenagers room being completely off limits to the parents is absolutely mind boggling.

You find it disrespectful that I search my daughter room ? That exhibits deceptiveness ?

What is disrespectful and deceptive is her hiding in her walk in closet, in the dark, with the all the lights off. We were looking for her for 10 minutes because dinner was ready . opened her bedroom door, lights off not there ? Went upstairs checked every room in the house, not there ..

Went in her room again, called her name, out she came from the closet.. What are you doing in the closet ? Oh just folding clothes ....

BS ! she was either smoking crack in the closet, or hiding a secret cell phone ... is what I thought in my head... soon as she went in the shower, I went into her room, moved her bed 6 inches, and between the bed and wall was the cell phone, and charger ... THANKS !
So im 100% on board with looking through your kids stuff if you suspect them of breaking rules, we have done that and found drug paraphenialia. However if i found my kid in his closet I would not ever think CRACK OR PHONE. And if she found a way to get a phone to have as backup (to me) means you have overused the taking away of the phone. Its happened to often and with such regularity that she found a way around it.
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Old 02-24-2020, 06:19 AM
 
12 posts, read 4,285 times
Reputation: 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by LO28SWM View Post
So im 100% on board with looking through your kids stuff if you suspect them of breaking rules, we have done that and found drug paraphenialia. However if i found my kid in his closet I would not ever think CRACK OR PHONE. And if she found a way to get a phone to have as backup (to me) means you have overused the taking away of the phone. Its happened to often and with such regularity that she found a way around it.
Lets sum that up one more time just so we are clear what your just said.

If a teenager has a secret phone, it is the parents fault for taking away the main cell phone too many times. Got it. :confused :
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Old 02-24-2020, 07:09 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
48,515 posts, read 46,777,539 times
Reputation: 95010
Quote:
Originally Posted by OutdoorsExplorer View Post
Lets sum that up one more time just so we are clear what your just said.

If a teenager has a secret phone, it is the parents fault for taking away the main cell phone too many times. Got it. :confused :
She's not wrong.

If a toddler continually acts up and then goes and puts herself in the time-out chair every time because she knows that's the next step in the process, then your punishment is no longer effective and you need to come up with a new plan.

Why are you not getting this? You act like you're helpless here.
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Old 02-24-2020, 08:25 AM
Status: "The ministers cat is an exhausted cat" (set 24 days ago)
 
Location: NJ
1,058 posts, read 363,411 times
Reputation: 3606
Quote:
Originally Posted by OutdoorsExplorer View Post
Lets sum that up one more time just so we are clear what your just said.

If a teenager has a secret phone, it is the parents fault for taking away the main cell phone too many times. Got it. :confused :
I never said you were at fault. Your punishment is predicable and therefore no longer effective
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
She's not wrong.

If a toddler continually acts up and then goes and puts herself in the time-out chair every time because she knows that's the next step in the process, then your punishment is no longer effective and you need to come up with a new plan.

Why are you not getting this? You act like you're helpless here.
Birdiebelle and I agree, its time to go back to the drawing board. Be creative.

I would consider making her do things she doesnt enjoy. Like running errands with you, helping you with a project around the house. Yard work with you. WITH YOU. Unlike chores which are her regular responsibilities, these are things you are doing together. Dont call it "punishment". Tell her she is coming with you or helping you whether she likes it or not. You never know you may gain some insight into her and strengthen your relationship.Teenagers tend to open up when you are in a car or working side by side not looking at each other. its psychology
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Old 02-24-2020, 10:11 AM
 
Location: DFW
1,068 posts, read 357,932 times
Reputation: 1885
The lesson of all this?

Absolutely NO ONE agrees on parenting. Nearly every single fight the DH and I have had is about how to raise our little angels.

If you are dating, before it even gets serious enough to have googly eyes, ask about parenting. Even then, take it with a grain of salt unless the person already has kids and experience. No one really knows how they will parent until they become one, and even then, only about half the time at best!
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Old 02-24-2020, 12:10 PM
 
1,732 posts, read 557,867 times
Reputation: 4101
Quote:
Originally Posted by OutdoorsExplorer View Post
After reading this response, I took the new phone away, let her keep the old phone... Maybe I just felt guilty taking both phones ?

She can have the new phone back once she builds trust again ..
Sounds reasonable to me: she has to learn about the consequences in life...

Even if she has her own money- to buy a new phone or pay for the service- she still should follow your rules and if you say no- it means no!
A structure for a teenager is good!
I applaud you for checking her bedroom: you won’t end up being a father of a money earning teenage “escort” girl!
I would have done it in front of her though- more honest! To give her a chance to tell you her secret!

One of the quotes from some movie when the frustrated child airs his grievances regarding the ways his father has “mistreated” him: “Good! You have something to tell your therapist later!”
It was funny, the way the father said it!
Parenting is a tough job, and not everyone wants to get his/ her hands “dirty”.
Looking the other way is so much easier...

Give her a chance to “swap” her old phone for a new again- by “earning” it back- you could try to figure out together a fair deal for both of you and it has to have some deadline or a goal- so she could achieve it!

Last edited by Nik4me; 02-24-2020 at 12:24 PM..
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Old 02-24-2020, 03:00 PM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
19,728 posts, read 24,852,415 times
Reputation: 52479
Quote:
Originally Posted by OutdoorsExplorer View Post
Here is her chore list;

Feed the cat once a day. ( we do it once ourselves)

Put the dirty dishes from the sink into the dishwasher ( this is only when the dishwasher is is clean, otherwise everyone does this themselves)

empty dishwasher when its clean - usually every other day.

Clean the bathroom once a week on the day she chooses ...


THATS IT !

Also, I may have overstated how many hours she works. usually 2 days a week max, and 1 or 2 weekends a month..

She doesn't make "hundreds a week" more like a hundred or so a paycheck ..
That is hardly slave labor. People will disagree with me, but as a member of the household, shouldn't she just pitch in because she's a family member?

Or is that old fashioned? If it is, I don't care because I think it's right.

How are her grades? That is what would come first to me. I would only let her keep the job if the grades are good. That's her first job. Her second is helping around the house, pulling her weight, and a job where she earns money and can spend it as she sees fit? That is a privilege.
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Old 02-24-2020, 05:40 PM
 
Location: Forest, VA
37 posts, read 10,623 times
Reputation: 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by OutdoorsExplorer View Post
Daughter is 16, works at Burger King, and has a cell phone and laptop she uses that we bought and paid for.

Once in a while, maybe once a month, twice a month, or less... she will get really bad on her chores, so we take away her phone for a day or two until the chores are done.

Last week we took her phone away.

Then found a secret 2nd phone in her room.

Is any punishment needed ? Should I let it go ?


She got the 2nd phone out of the trash, it was her old phone, screen was cracked really bad, so we threw it in the garbage 6 months ago and bought her a new one ..


She has had this phone for 6 months, never told us it still worked, or that she has it...
She is a young adult, you do not own her, she is not your property, you need to stop this. I am a parent too, my 24 y.o. son is in college now.
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