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Old 02-24-2020, 08:38 PM
 
1,623 posts, read 1,948,201 times
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If she is working and getting some pay checks, she could easily buy a pre pay phone for about $30 and a card with talk, texts and data for about $20 at Walmart and she would be off and running again with a back up. It is fairly difficult to control. I think you need a different angle on the motivation strategy.



I would not pay an allowance, but would pay her to do specific chores. She might want to then vacuum and do some laundry as well to earn more. After she does it awhile, she may take some ownership and pride on the satisfaction of keeping it cleaned up. She might kind of keep up on it on her own. Kind of conditions her to help keeping the house clean. It cost a little bit, but she is then working and when she moves out on her own eventually, she has some experience in taking care of a place.
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Old 02-24-2020, 09:32 PM
 
8,426 posts, read 14,056,327 times
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If you have a 16 year old that is doing good in school and working I would
say thank your lucky stars for that.

Punishment for chores is silly at that age.

Just ask her every once in a while to help you with something when
she has some time on her hands.

My kids were not expected to do chores when they had a full day at school and
then worked part time. But they sometimes pitched in to lend a hand here & there.
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Old 02-25-2020, 05:32 AM
 
3,646 posts, read 1,189,112 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OutdoorsExplorer View Post
Daughter is 16, works at Burger King, and has a cell phone and laptop she uses that we bought and paid for.

Once in a while, maybe once a month, twice a month, or less... she will get really bad on her chores, so we take away her phone for a day or two until the chores are done.

Last week we took her phone away.

Then found a secret 2nd phone in her room.

Is any punishment needed ? Should I let it go ?


She got the 2nd phone out of the trash, it was her old phone, screen was cracked really bad, so we threw it in the garbage 6 months ago and bought her a new one ..


She has had this phone for 6 months, never told us it still worked, or that she has it...

She's actually pretty resourceful...…..gotta give her that !
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Old 02-25-2020, 06:40 AM
 
27,764 posts, read 19,628,188 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mustangppilot View Post
She is a young adult, you do not own her, she is not your property, you need to stop this. I am a parent too, my 24 y.o. son is in college now.
She’s 16 mom has every right to set the rules and discipline her.
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Old 02-25-2020, 09:42 AM
 
Location: Pacific Northwest
438 posts, read 207,843 times
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Here's my thinking, if she's 16 and already has a job something like taking away a cellphone is pretty pointless and unrelated to the situation that caused her to be punished in the first place. I'm in my mid 20s now, but I can tell you at 16 all I would do if you took my cell phone is save up to buy one that technically my parents have no right to take (since in my teenage mind I bought it so it's my property, not my parents. Let the mega fight of the year ensue). She's not 5 year old; taking the toy away for a bit isn't going to teach her anything especially if she has ways of undoing the punishment.

If the issue is not doing chores the punishment needs to relate to that and her inability to follow through on responsibilities. Your going to have to be creative and think on her level; what does she do instead of chores? Does she watch TV or go on the computer? Then block her devices from accessing the Wi-Fi; that's making sure she can't use her phone or computer to go mess around online or chat on social media. Your not taking away anything of hers, but restricting her access to YOUR luxury that she has to earn just like she earns money at work. Once she's done with chores turn the Wi-Fi on again. You can also limit how much 'free time' she spends outside school and work; any time not working or studying should be spent on doing the chores, not hanging out with friends or spending time online.

This way after a while it doesn't even have to be an argument. Why is the Wi-Fi off? Maybe it's because I didn't feed the cat or take out the garbage. Teenagers are masters of finding the easy way out; your job is too teach them that it's not worth it and responsibilities will always follow you no matter how you try to cheat your way out of them.
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Old 02-25-2020, 10:23 AM
 
Location: DFW
1,068 posts, read 357,932 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by musicfamly5 View Post
Here's my thinking, if she's 16 and already has a job something like taking away a cellphone is pretty pointless and unrelated to the situation that caused her to be punished in the first place. I'm in my mid 20s now, but I can tell you at 16 all I would do if you took my cell phone is save up to buy one that technically my parents have no right to take (since in my teenage mind I bought it so it's my property, not my parents. Let the mega fight of the year ensue). She's not 5 year old; taking the toy away for a bit isn't going to teach her anything especially if she has ways of undoing the punishment.

If the issue is not doing chores the punishment needs to relate to that and her inability to follow through on responsibilities. Your going to have to be creative and think on her level; what does she do instead of chores? Does she watch TV or go on the computer? Then block her devices from accessing the Wi-Fi; that's making sure she can't use her phone or computer to go mess around online or chat on social media. Your not taking away anything of hers, but restricting her access to YOUR luxury that she has to earn just like she earns money at work. Once she's done with chores turn the Wi-Fi on again. You can also limit how much 'free time' she spends outside school and work; any time not working or studying should be spent on doing the chores, not hanging out with friends or spending time online.

This way after a while it doesn't even have to be an argument. Why is the Wi-Fi off? Maybe it's because I didn't feed the cat or take out the garbage. Teenagers are masters of finding the easy way out; your job is too teach them that it's not worth it and responsibilities will always follow you no matter how you try to cheat your way out of them.
I totally agree.
And I think you might be saying what I am saying: Punishment does not work.

All of us should think of a time we were punished, at any age, but especially an age over 15 or so; or at least think of what it would be like right now to be punished, by say, an employer. Punishment simply does not work, IMO.
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Old 02-25-2020, 10:26 AM
 
12 posts, read 4,285 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by musicfamly5 View Post
Here's my thinking, if she's 16 and already has a job something like taking away a cellphone is pretty pointless and unrelated to the situation that caused her to be punished in the first place. I'm in my mid 20s now, but I can tell you at 16 all I would do if you took my cell phone is save up to buy one that technically my parents have no right to take (since in my teenage mind I bought it so it's my property, not my parents. Let the mega fight of the year ensue). She's not 5 year old; taking the toy away for a bit isn't going to teach her anything especially if she has ways of undoing the punishment.

If the issue is not doing chores the punishment needs to relate to that and her inability to follow through on responsibilities. Your going to have to be creative and think on her level; what does she do instead of chores? Does she watch TV or go on the computer? Then block her devices from accessing the Wi-Fi; that's making sure she can't use her phone or computer to go mess around online or chat on social media. Your not taking away anything of hers, but restricting her access to YOUR luxury that she has to earn just like she earns money at work. Once she's done with chores turn the Wi-Fi on again. You can also limit how much 'free time' she spends outside school and work; any time not working or studying should be spent on doing the chores, not hanging out with friends or spending time online.

This way after a while it doesn't even have to be an argument. Why is the Wi-Fi off? Maybe it's because I didn't feed the cat or take out the garbage. Teenagers are masters of finding the easy way out; your job is too teach them that it's not worth it and responsibilities will always follow you no matter how you try to cheat your way out of them.
She uses her phone in her room instead of doing chores !!!! that's why I take the phone .. .
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Old 02-25-2020, 11:09 AM
 
Location: Pacific Northwest
438 posts, read 207,843 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OutdoorsExplorer View Post
She uses her phone in her room instead of doing chores !!!! that's why I take the phone .. .
So do like I said and block the Wi-Fi from her device. As far as I know most teenagers use social media or internet dependent sites to mess around on, so interfering with their access to Wi-Fi greatly hinders their access to most things on their phone. Most internet providers have this feature and if not then maybe just turn off your household wi-fi until she complies.

If she's paying for her own texting/minutes then look at it from another angle. Teach her that her "free time" isn't really free if others have to do her work for her. Draw up a contract with her that arranges that for every chore you have to do for her she owes you the cost of that chore. Say feeding the cat costs $3 or doing the dishes is $5; nothing too crazy but enough for the value of following up on her responsibilities is there.

Make it a written contract so that she can be held to the responsibility just as any adult and all parties can refer to it if there is any confusion or misunderstanding in the future. It might also help to have a reward also in place; say if she goes a whole month without forgetting her chore arrangement you treat her to something special or help her with a personal goal. She's shown that money and freedom is important to her so you need to teach her that these things aren't "free" they are earned and can be taken away if she fails to uphold her end of the bargain. But there has to be some give and take; otherwise you'll find yourself in your current situation with her simply refusing to do anything and she has the resources to undo any "punishment" you throw at her.
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Old 02-25-2020, 12:21 PM
 
8,426 posts, read 14,056,327 times
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What is your relationship like with your daughter?

I raised teens as a single mom. I was strict but finding ways to
give consequences that protected the relationship is really important.

Of course they were mad at me at times, but overall we had a close
relationship and that continues now with them as adults.

You could just ask her what her thoughts on the chores are, what chores
would she suggest that would fit her school, work schedule?
Let her know that you do understand the pressure of school & work.
Maybe she would prefer a weekend chore?
Ask her what you should do when she doesn't get her chores done.
Kids will surprise you with their insight & fairness.
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Old 02-25-2020, 03:14 PM
 
1,411 posts, read 411,962 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LO28SWM View Post
I would consider making her do things she doesnt enjoy. Like running errands with you, helping you with a project around the house. Yard work with you. WITH YOU. Unlike chores which are her regular responsibilities, these are things you are doing together. Dont call it "punishment". Tell her she is coming with you or helping you whether she likes it or not. You never know you may gain some insight into her and strengthen your relationship.Teenagers tend to open up when you are in a car or working side by side not looking at each other. its psychology
Well, if OP thinks daughter is in the closet smoking crack, he/she may need some "insight."

On a serious note though OP, you're hardly the first parent to have issues with a 16-year-old doing chores, and you certainly won't be the last.
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