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Old 02-26-2020, 06:34 AM
 
1,481 posts, read 975,210 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CGab View Post
I'm both and that's how it should be. I want my daughters to know that they can talk to me about anything and not be afraid. I have a fantastic relationship with my teen because of that and she literally talks to be about everything and anything. With that said, that doesn't mean she can do what ever she wants. She's fully aware that I'm not going to let her get away with anything she shouldn't be doing. Obviously my approach is working because she's an honor student, does charitable work, a cheerleader, in Choir and is taking H.S classes geared towards Engineering!
I think you can be both, there is a big difference in enjoying spending time together and Sharing hobbies and other activities, then trying to be the “cool parent” providing alcohol to their kids parties and other activities that they are not mature enough to handle.
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Old 02-26-2020, 06:36 AM
 
7,799 posts, read 3,758,747 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reebo View Post
Don’t break your arm patting yourself on the back. You’re deluding yourself if you think she has no secrets if you’re actually setting boundaries.
Its okay, I'll graciously pat that person for the diplomatic way they have parented. CGab
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Old 02-26-2020, 09:17 AM
 
272 posts, read 221,188 times
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It's more important to be a parent than to be a friend, as others before me here have stated. The children, even when they are adults, hopefully will have friends, but they only get one set of parents, okay, maybe two if adoption/remarriage has taken place.

The problems with being their "friend" at the expense of being a strong parent are many, and some of them are truly tragic. "Children" have a tendency to be exceedingly wise in their own eyes, much as we tend to do with God! We're like, yes Lord, You say THIS in the Bible, but am I really supposed to DO what You say??? Jesus addressed this in the New Testament, the Gospel of Luke, Chapter 6, Verse 46 with the words "Why do you call Me Lord, Lord and not do what I say?"

Sometimes I think that God gave us children to straighten us out a little, when the things that irk us about their behavior we see, much to our shagrin, in the way we relate to our Creator.

Always trying to bless you guys who listen to whatever it is I have written )
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Old 02-26-2020, 10:08 AM
 
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Old 02-26-2020, 10:19 AM
 
Location: Arlington, VA —> North Carolina in October
24,649 posts, read 35,056,134 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sundestroyer View Post
I've always heard that "parents should never be friends with their kids and set up well defined boundaries". It kinda makes sense as the person who nurtures you financially, emotionally and guides you growing up should take a more authoritarian stance than simply being a passive friend.

However I know of this American girl in my college who is 19 and family moved to Ireland a while back and is very smart and well traveled. She's not that well off but works her but off and constantly travels around with her boyfriend. Her mother also drink and smoke weed with her and says she's been a close friend to her.

From what I typed, you might think she's a low life but no, she gets good grades in school, has her own job while living rent free but saving money and enjoys life from time to time.

Meanwhile I think of many people with very authoritarian type parents who didn't seem to end up well because of it.

What's the right way, is there even a right way for a parent to choose in this situation?
My mother was very clear that she was my parent and not a friend. Our relationship has always been between a strict authoritative parent and a combative degenerate son. Even today, she holds to that. I kind of get jealous as a young adult who sees other people my age who are able to do cool things with their parents and it makes me sad that our personalities will not allow for that sort of relationship to take place. Don’t get me wrong, she did her duty and I love her to death but wish our relationship was different.
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Old 02-26-2020, 10:55 AM
 
2,366 posts, read 983,067 times
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Authoritarian suggests being cold and distant and friend suggests letting them get away with everything. You can be both. Friendship is to develop a good relationship with them so they're willing to talk to you and be with you. Authoritarian in discipline when needed.

Don't know what OP's friend's childhood was like, but as a 19 year old and she's willing to smoke weed with her mom, seems like they have a good relationship. And when you're an adult, you want to be willing to hang out with your mother.
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Old 02-26-2020, 10:59 AM
 
9,470 posts, read 3,553,795 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bitey View Post
Parents and children have a fundamentally different relationship than just "friends" even after children are long into adulthood. It's a different dynamic than a conventional peer friendship.

Well...in fairness, I didn't say it had to be a 'conventional peer' friendship. But a lot of friendships aren't 'conventional peer'.
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Old 02-26-2020, 11:02 AM
 
Location: Winterpeg
1,070 posts, read 441,647 times
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My now grown daughter has always talked to me about a range of topics in her life. But I know I don't know all of the details. And I'm very good with that. She needs more of a support system than just her parents.

Most kids who have good relationships with their parents don't want to disappoint them, or have them micromanage. So having friends to vent to, to admit stupid stuff to, to talk about their romantic life, is very valuable. Plus, even in high school I really didn't care to hear all the ins and outs of the interpersonal drama. That stuff is boring as heck!

So while I would say I'm very close to my kid, and we have a great relationship, we aren't friends. We're more, and different, than her other relationships.
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Old 02-26-2020, 11:54 AM
 
1,334 posts, read 426,805 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bitey View Post
Call me old-fashioned, but in a proper parent/child relationship the parents are never friends and always authority figures to their children unless and until the parents have so mentally deteriorated they can no longer articulate their accumulated experiences and wisdom to their offspring.

That doesn't mean parents get to control their kids beyond adulthood or they have should have no shared interests or experiences as adults, but it DOES mean parents never stop being role models for the children. The real-time shared experiences of parent and child are near-zero at the child's birth and gradually narrow as they get older together, but they never converge for as long as the parent has the mental capacity to pass on their real-time knowledge, experiences, and wisdom to their children.

Passing down experiences without passing down wisdom is a tragedy in the making for the kids.
Please. My mother (my father is deceased) is both my mother and one of my best friends whom I both love and respect. She's still a fine role model--and in some ways, I'm hers as well (from the horse's mouth, so to speak). As she puts it, she knows when I need her to step into "parent-mode" and when she's my friend. We give each other a lot of space, too, which is important.

I also know when she needs for me to be her child (not childish, but by doing the sort of things that adult children do for their parents). Judging from the relationships that I see between my peers and their own parents, I recognize that the bond that my mother and I share is relatively rare and precious.

My parents were definitely of the authoritative variety (bordering on authoritarian at times when it came to my late father when I was small), but as I became an independent adult, I had the privilege of entering into the friendship stage of being my parents' child. I wouldn't trade the time that I had with my father as an adult for the world. To have him respect me, my thoughts, my actions, and my opinions as an adult was priceless and we both earned that privilege--him by doing the heavy lifting of properly raising an adult-in-training (which is really what children are) and I by taking full advantage of the upbringing that I was granted and becoming a functional adult.

I think that the experience of morphing into your parent's(s) friend as an adult as opposed to being your parent's friend from babyhood to the teenaged years is a far different experience with far different ramifications.
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Old 02-26-2020, 04:56 PM
 
Location: Knoxville, TN
3,319 posts, read 1,092,225 times
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No it's not bad, after they turn 21.

I always had a great relationship with my parents but didn't really find out the extent of their "coolness" until they were done raising me.
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