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Old 02-26-2020, 05:03 PM
 
Location: Colorado
14,317 posts, read 8,633,106 times
Reputation: 25908

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Quote:
Originally Posted by 2x3x29x41 View Post
Yes.

Of course.

This one-or-the-other notion that a parent must retain an austere emotional distance is absurd. It's like someone is following a checklist for parenting, rather than understanding the dynamic that must be individually fashioned between two unique individuals. Parenting-by-numbers.

Ugh.
Yep, I agree with this post.

I think that for the most part, what is needed is a balance, and that the balance can and should shift as kids grow up.

Can we set aside the alcohol and weed talk? I don't drink or smoke weed at all, with my kids or anyone else. I want to focus on the dynamic outside of such things, which yeah, I do think are inappropriate for a parent to do with a kid of any age.

As my kids grew older, I was realistic about what was within their power to choose, whether I liked it or not. I discussed consequences with them, but I made them understand that it was up to THEM to make good choices, and I would not always be right there to make them choose this or that course. As they get through their teens and mine are now 18 and 20, now we're dealing with a whole lot of situations where I'm giving them my best wisdom and good advice, and sometimes they listen, and sometimes they don't. And I tell them, "I won't judge you for not listening to me, but I think this is a bad idea. If it is a lesson you need to learn the hard way, I guess you will have to do that."

I'm guiding them, still, as best as I am able.

But I need them to keep me in the loop about challenges they face, because they still DO need guidance, and so in order to have the access I need to give the parenting I want to give, we've got to have a "friendship" of sorts, so that they will trust me enough to come to me. If the crap hits the fan in the life of one of my sons, I would much rather he think, "OMG I need to call Mom, she will know what to do..." rather than, "I don't know where to turn, I can't tell Mom, she'd kill me."

Speaking of "kill"... My younger son has depression. If you have a teen or a young adult who has struggled with something like that, believe me, you need them to feel safe coming and talking to you. The consequences of being too "parental" for them to feel able to open up to, can be terrifying to consider.

And anyways, someone said that the parent should be passing on wisdom to their kids even through the kids' adulthood, until the parent is too aged to continue doing so. That is interesting to me, because that's a feature of my friendships, too. I would never withhold good advice from a friend. But just like adult kids, I also realize that they will do with it as they please because it is their life to live. It's not my job to manipulate them or push them around, not any adult. I would not take that from either of my parents.

And, too, parents are human. We are not infallible. And more often than you'd think, the kids can grow up to become wiser than we are. I've gotten gems of wisdom from both of my sons and they are barely adults! Giving them the chance to be encouraging to me when I'm down, to interact with me as a human being and not some kind of godlike authority figure, helps them learn how to be kind and compassionate and considerate to others.
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Old 02-26-2020, 05:03 PM
 
Location: Myrtle Creek, Oregon
14,135 posts, read 13,784,985 times
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If you don't like your kids, you aren't much of a parent. OTOH, just because you like your kids doesn't mean you have to behave like them.
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Old 02-26-2020, 05:03 PM
 
Location: southern california
58,435 posts, read 77,417,140 times
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,often old folks will copy the vices and rude and low class behavior of the young
Then they are astounded that they get no respect
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Old 02-26-2020, 11:36 PM
 
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
5,577 posts, read 3,033,276 times
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While I would not have referred to my mother as a friend when I was a child, she was very physically active and played with us more than any other mother in the neighborhood. She was the scout leader, took us on hikes, bought puzzles and games for us to play (and played those games with us.) She was not bossy in her demeanor like some of the other moms were. She let us eat mud pies and other bugs, play with all sorts of creatures, get into all sorts of innocent mischief, and she didn't have a strict set of chores we had to do. She said she did this because her childhood was so regimented.

I think we were such good kids because we didn't have a strict disciplinarian as a parent.

Because she was so good-natured and so much fun to be around, we kept her in our lives happily for the rest of her life. As an adult, I would definitely say my Mom was one of my best friends. She earned it.
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Old 02-27-2020, 04:08 AM
 
4,950 posts, read 2,151,304 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Larry Caldwell View Post
If you don't like your kids, you aren't much of a parent. OTOH, just because you like your kids doesn't mean you have to behave like them.
This is an interesting thought. A lady who I looked to for guidance when my daughter was very little once told me that we raise our children so that hopefully one day they can become our friends, people who we respect and who respect us in return.
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Old 02-27-2020, 03:01 PM
 
Location: Colorado
14,317 posts, read 8,633,106 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Huckleberry3911948 View Post
,often old folks will copy the vices and rude and low class behavior of the young
Then they are astounded that they get no respect
People keep circling back to this, in contrast to parents who are simply more loving than authoritarian.

I think that the kinds of adults who engage in vices that their kids are doing, and try to be "friends" with their kids in that way... I mean, I've seen it. My Mom was like this. My Ex is like this with the one of our sons who still speaks to him.

And it seems to me, that these adults are people who would do these "vices" anyhow. Like maybe they did in the past. And they are looking for validation in the eyes of their kids, like they're trying to be cool, or they are trying to feel OK in their own bad behaviors.

Just like a smoker will feel far more OK about smoking if a fellow smoker joins them in doing it. Something like that anyways. You get another person there doing a bad thing with you, and it feels like you're OK in what you're doing even if you know better.

And, too, these are desperate parents who are clinging to their relationship with their teen or young adult kid, they're often grown people who have some kind of abandonment issues or unhealthy attachment stuff going on. Sometimes they feel judged, or their surface mind fights their deeper self-judgment because they know they've done wrong. "You still love me, right? I didn't do completely wrong, did I? I'm still a decent person/parent/etc?" It is a very unhealthy dynamic.

But being "friends" with one's kids does not have to look like that. And I'd say that such adults are not usually healthy friends to have even if you're not their kid, either.
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Old 02-28-2020, 06:58 AM
 
Location: Saint John, IN
11,572 posts, read 4,639,825 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nov3 View Post
Its okay, I'll graciously pat that person for the diplomatic way they have parented. CGab
Thanks
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Old 02-28-2020, 05:51 PM
 
Location: 500 miles from home
33,129 posts, read 18,353,918 times
Reputation: 24965
I think it's wonderful to have a 'friendship' with my adult son.

No longer so much the parent/child now that he's 24 but genuinely enjoying each other's company, laughing, etc.

That said, I still feel like a . . parent. I still help him out when he needs it and give advice when he asks for it.

Then again, I value his advice too.
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Old 03-01-2020, 12:47 PM
 
Location: NNJ
10,889 posts, read 6,176,513 times
Reputation: 11900
Quote:
Originally Posted by sundestroyer View Post
Meanwhile I think of many people with very authoritarian type parents who didn't seem to end up well because of it.
This is a paint of broad stroke... There are many authoritarian parents with well adjusted very well disciplined children.

There are many factors, including personality, parenting style, that determine the end result.

I tend to agree that parents shouldn't place themselves at the same level as their children. They should be the parent and adult role. However, it doesn't mean you can't also have that all too important loving even playful relationship with your child.
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