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Old 03-06-2020, 01:51 PM
 
786 posts, read 342,414 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UpstateJohn View Post
Maybe she thinks she married too late and doesnt want her children to do the same.
I thought of that as a possibility, but now I'm more inclined to think that what she really wants is grandchildren that she can enjoy while she is still young enough to do so. Not that she is old now, but if the daughters wait another 8 or 10 years to get married, and then perhaps another year or three before having children, then "granny" is going to be in her 60's before the first kid is hatched.
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Old 03-06-2020, 02:40 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
18,458 posts, read 19,219,639 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chas863 View Post
I thought of that as a possibility, but now I'm more inclined to think that what she really wants is grandchildren that she can enjoy while she is still young enough to do so. Not that she is old now, but if the daughters wait another 8 or 10 years to get married, and then perhaps another year or three before having children, then "granny" is going to be in her 60's before the first kid is hatched.
Most of friends became grandparents in their mid 60s and it was great because they were retired and could really enjoy the time with them.

I just spoke to my sister (76) and she was heading over to her daughter's house to play table games with her
grandkids. My brother (73) just finished babysitting his one year old grandson this morning, and babysit his other grandkids, too after he retired.

A couple of my coworkers had grandchildren when they were in their 40s or early 50s and they hardly ever got to see them because they (the grandparents) were busy working fulltime (and had other responsibilities). By the time that they were retired the grandkids were in the temperamental teenage years or off to college and really were not attached to their grandparents very well.

Of course, every situation is different.

Frankly, if your wife continues to be that intrusive into your daughter's dating and sex lives, I wouldn't be surprised if it strains their relationships so much that even if they had children they may limit contact with grandma (your wife).
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Old 03-06-2020, 02:43 PM
 
786 posts, read 342,414 times
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Just to add to my post above, I'll bet that the OP's wife is looking around at women about her own age and seeing them enjoying their grandkids who are anywhere from 2 to 10 years old and then realizing that if her daughters wait until they're 27 years old to get married (as she did), then she is going to have a long wait before she can enjoy the same thing her friends and neighbors are enjoying now. Envy is a strong motivating force, and she is afraid that she'll be too old to enjoy them when/if they come along.
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Old 03-06-2020, 04:02 PM
 
10,993 posts, read 9,160,217 times
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Is your wife in good physical health? Is there any health-related reason she wants to see weddings and grandchildren asap?

I posed the above prior to reading similar posts. Rather than thinking your wife might be fearing grandkids would arrive too late for her to enjoy them fully, it occurred to me (and I hope I am wrong) that perhaps she has some health condition that she has not shared with her family, that she fears may shorten her life or limit her abilities in some way.

Otherwise - my grandparents were in their 70s and 80s when I came along. My grandfather was almost 91 when he passed away - I was twelve and remember his fondly and vividly. He had a large vegetable garden as well as flower gardens, and a very green thumb. He always put up a swing for me, the youngest grandchild, when I would visit (my grandparents lived in another state, so I didn't get to see them as often as I would have liked, but we made the most of it when we were together),

In other words, age does not equate with inability or disability.
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Old 03-06-2020, 04:07 PM
 
Location: North Texas
1,162 posts, read 301,127 times
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Op, you really need to protect your kids, sometimes even from family. She doesn't respect your daughter's feelings or goals. Tell her to cut it out. Stop worrying about her being too sensitive. She needs to hear some things.
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Old 03-06-2020, 06:01 PM
 
1,412 posts, read 457,068 times
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Deciding when to have kids is tricky - ideally, a young woman would establish herself by obtaining a quality education and the ability to support herself prior to having kids - but at the same time, most people want to have kids at a relatively early age (well before thirty) so they can grow up with their children while they still have the energy to do so. So that leaves a pretty narrow window for serious dating, ultimately finding and spending enough time in a relationship to develop trust with a suitable mate, tying the knot and starting the domestic lifestyle. I think of Marissa Tomei's character from My Uncle Vinny, tapping her foot and saying, "My clock is ticking here".

So being aware of all this, your wife may believe your daughters are unaware of how fast time ticks away in one's twenties, perhaps projecting some of her own anxieties on her daughters. About all you can do is support your kids in a way that presents alternatives to your wife's timetable for them, letting them know that they do not have to be locked into someone else's template for their lives. At the same time, try and gain some empathy for your wife's viewpoint, as the realities of being a young woman today, although much more flexible than those of decades ago, are still subject to the same rules biology has placed on them since we started walking upright.
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Old 03-06-2020, 07:27 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
84,146 posts, read 77,144,007 times
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Try to find out what mindset or beliefs are pushing your wife to focus too much on the girls' social lives. Mothers I've known who are like that were the popular ones in school, and in at least one case, a party girl in college, so they think that's the norm, and that their daughters should be that way, too. They may think "something's wrong" if the girls don't have a busy social whirl.

Find out what's going on in her head with regard to this, before saying anything. You might learn something that would guide you in finding the right approach to the whole matter.
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Old 03-06-2020, 08:44 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
18,458 posts, read 19,219,639 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
Try to find out what mindset or beliefs are pushing your wife to focus too much on the girls' social lives. Mothers I've known who are like that were the popular ones in school, and in at least one case, a party girl in college, so they think that's the norm, and that their daughters should be that way, too. They may think "something's wrong" if the girls don't have a busy social whirl.

Find out what's going on in her head with regard to this, before saying anything. You might learn something that would guide you in finding the right approach to the whole matter.
Great points.
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Old 03-06-2020, 09:02 PM
 
8,846 posts, read 4,583,464 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chas863;57 746
I thought of that as a possibility, but now I'm more inclined to think that what she really wants is grandchildren that she can enjoy while she is still young enough to do so. Not that she is old now, but if the daughters wait another 8 or 10 years to get married, and then perhaps another year or three before having children, then "granny" is going to be in her 60's before the first kid is hatched.

That was my first thought. It is really quite selfish, with no regard for her daughters. Very young marriages are more likely to fail, often because neither of them is educated enough to make a proper living in today's world. Often the women end up divorced, poor, and unable to support their children. I hope you and your daughters stay realistic in this, as you have been until now. Is your wife by any chance accustomed to using her "sensitivity" as a path to getting her own way?.
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Old 03-07-2020, 05:00 AM
 
6,718 posts, read 5,797,401 times
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After reading these posts, this poem popped into my mind:

13 and 14, a girl's in her prime.
15 and 16, she's still got time.
17 and 18, she's just about done.
19 and 20, her pa needs a gun.

Seriously, though...maybe OP's wife has the "spinster" stigma, where she's worried people are going to think something's "wrong" with their daughters for not being paired up with someone by the late teens. I have two daughters (one 34, happily married, who juggles a big house, two kids, and a business), and the other 28 (a freelance, free spirited artist who has absolutely no interest in relationships and avoids the "drama" of dating and hookups). Yes, people wonder about her...but she's happy and content with her life. DH and I aren't worried. No, she's not gay.

Maybe the daughters are just overly choosy? My oldest DD, in her teens, was EXTREMELY particular. She preferred having her nose in a book to associating with the opposite sex. She didn't like partiers, jocks, or druggies, She couldn't stand boys who drank, wanted sex, were obsessed with NASCAR and sports, smoked, had tattoos, were illiterate, and had no career ambition or goals. She also couldn't stand the liberal college SJW types, either. Needless to say, she'd never dated much, because there was always something "lacking" in every guy who asked her out. Yet, she eventually met son-in-law (who wasn't perfect, but came the closest to her "expectations"). They've been together for 12 years.

Last edited by Mrs. Skeffington; 03-07-2020 at 05:30 AM..
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