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Old 03-07-2020, 06:02 AM
 
6,737 posts, read 5,800,687 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chas863 View Post
I thought of that as a possibility, but now I'm more inclined to think that what she really wants is grandchildren that she can enjoy while she is still young enough to do so. Not that she is old now, but if the daughters wait another 8 or 10 years to get married, and then perhaps another year or three before having children, then "granny" is going to be in her 60's before the first kid is hatched.
60 is the new 40.

An important thing to remember is that your DD's making the wrong choices...being in a short term, temporary relationship and getting pregnant, or having a "hook up" resulting in same...would put extreme strain on grandparents of any age. Children born of these situations are often left to be raised by their grandparents. Not just occasionally babysat...RAISED.
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Old 03-07-2020, 07:25 AM
 
Location: Texas
246 posts, read 123,668 times
Reputation: 644
As a Dad I think all 3 of you need to just make humor out of this when she gets on these kicks. "Yeah I'm actively looking." "This great guy at work is really interested in me. He doesn't own a home yet but we went to his tent down on 3rd avenue and talked the whole night through." "I'd be glad for your help Mom but no one who doesn't look as good as (fav movie star) with a net worth north of 3 million." etc.
These young ladies no longer have to answer to Mom in the romance department. They should just laugh it off and tell her she is being ridiculous. From what I've seen nothing drives a helicopter Mom or Dad more crazy than a good dose of humor sprinkled with a lot of independence and finally they calm down. It's going to take some effort on your part as you and your daughters are taking her meddling too seriously I think, but you can do it. I'm pulling for you!
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Old 03-07-2020, 07:30 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
84,211 posts, read 77,210,637 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs. Skeffington View Post
Maybe the daughters are just overly choosy? My oldest DD, in her teens, was EXTREMELY particular. She preferred having her nose in a book to associating with the opposite sex. She didn't like partiers, jocks, or druggies, She couldn't stand boys who drank, wanted sex, were obsessed with NASCAR and sports, smoked, had tattoos, were illiterate, and had no career ambition or goals. She also couldn't stand the liberal college SJW types, either. Needless to say, she'd never dated much, because there was always something "lacking" in every guy who asked her out. Yet, she eventually met son-in-law (who wasn't perfect, but came the closest to her "expectations"). They've been together for 12 years.
The bolded isn't being picky, it's pretty normal. Even the underlined is still within the range of normal, except maybe for the preference for non-drinkers, but I encountered plenty of people with that preference in college. Expecting teens to have career ambitions and goals is a little unusual and unrealistic, though.

It sounds like your oldest was more mature than most of the boys around her, or wasn't able to find the quiet, sensible ones. There were probably those types in her environment, and they may have been looking for women like her, but it can be hard for the more quiet, responsible, and studious types to find each other. At her university, or in town, there may have been a Young Republicans organization, or something of that nature...?
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Old 03-07-2020, 07:39 AM
 
19,074 posts, read 24,930,167 times
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id prank your wife and have one of your daughters tell their mother ...she's pregnant - she took her advice and went out on a date

dad ...your daughters are being mature...to be commended..

one of the most destructive forces in this world is a mother trying to relive......a teen childhood they never had thru their daughters... ive seen this first hand …...pushing daughters.. and fixing them up..

the root of this...is probably an over-compensation for insecurities.... again this is dangerous..

dad...tell mother to back off.... if mother doesn't back off...have her bring home the biggest loser in the school.... she will back off
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Old 03-07-2020, 09:00 AM
 
Location: Winterpeg
1,074 posts, read 443,677 times
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My mom pushed me socially, because she wasn't popular in school. She wanted me to be, because she knew how she felt to be out of the loop. I didn't date until after high school. My mom's pushing created distance between us. She wanted me to be what I wasn't, and that was a painful message to constantly receive.



Your daughters have already expressed that they don't like it, so support them. And you need to tell your wife to back off, even if it hurts her feelers.
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Old 03-07-2020, 09:11 AM
 
Location: Denver 'burbs
22,603 posts, read 24,279,340 times
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Does your wife have a career of her own? I ask this because my own mother, who did not finish college or have a career (even once kids were grown), was anxious for us to marry and give her grandkids by the time she was 50. Some women who defined their entire lives by being wives and mothers, are left at odds until they can busy themselves with planning weddings, baby showers and being grandmas. She may feel left out of the "club" of her peers.

Perhaps she needs job or a time consuming hobby.

I agree a conversation is in order - ask her why.
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Old 03-07-2020, 09:52 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
84,211 posts, read 77,210,637 times
Reputation: 85152
Quote:
Originally Posted by bondaroo View Post
My mom pushed me socially, because she wasn't popular in school. She wanted me to be, because she knew how she felt to be out of the loop. I didn't date until after high school. My mom's pushing created distance between us. She wanted me to be what I wasn't, and that was a painful message to constantly receive.



Your daughters have already expressed that they don't like it, so support them. And you need to tell your wife to back off, even if it hurts her feelers.
Another way that type of behavior can be hurtful to daughters, is if the mother assumes boys will be flocking around the daughters, like a TV cliche, while the girls may be going through a shy or awkward or "ugly duckling" phase, before growing into their adult looks. Or they may be having weight issues due to hormonal changes that may cause bloating, etc., or may feel tremendously self-conscious about their body's changes.

But some mothers, perhaps the more narcissistic types, are oblivious. A mother who assumes her daughters will breeze through adolescence enjoying male attention can do significant damage to tender psyches struggling through a difficult phase of life, and who are in need of sympathetic guidance.
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Old 03-07-2020, 09:57 AM
KCZ
 
2,306 posts, read 1,303,061 times
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If your wife is doing this because she wants grandchildren, she's being incredibly selfish, so selfish that her relationship with her daughters will not survive. Support your children (all 3) and drag your wife to a counselor.
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Old 03-07-2020, 10:06 AM
 
6,737 posts, read 5,800,687 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
The bolded isn't being picky, it's pretty normal. Even the underlined is still within the range of normal, except maybe for the preference for non-drinkers, but I encountered plenty of people with that preference in college. Expecting teens to have career ambitions and goals is a little unusual and unrealistic, though.

It sounds like your oldest was more mature than most of the boys around her, or wasn't able to find the quiet, sensible ones. There were probably those types in her environment, and they may have been looking for women like her, but it can be hard for the more quiet, responsible, and studious types to find each other. At her university, or in town, there may have been a Young Republicans organization, or something of that nature...?
DD always had a course...her life's ambition, from her teens, was to take over the family business. She was always worried that she'd get involved with an "idiot" who would complicate her plans or somehow take it away from her. Fast forward 20 years, she's been running it successfully, and her life has been more or less on course. At 34, she has what she's always planned for...her business, a big house in the country, a like minded husband with a good income, and two kids. And now she has plans for HER kids. She's as no-nonsense with them as she was with herself in her youth. I just hope it doesn't backfire.

Oldest grandson (in first grade) has been talking about a little girl in his class, who he wants to "marry" when he grows up. Perfectly normal. So he's been asking questions about getting married. I was in the car with him and DD when he asked if she was going to be "Nanny" (his name for me) when he had children. (He's aware of the basics of where babies come from, having been three years old when his brother was born).

True to form, DD's answer was, "Before you have children, you must get married. And before you get married, you must go to school for many, many years so you have a good job. Then you must save a lot of money in the bank and buy a house. Then you get married and have babies." We can only wish it were that simple!!!!!
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Old 03-07-2020, 11:32 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
18,474 posts, read 19,234,244 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom View Post
Does your wife have a career of her own? I ask this because my own mother, who did not finish college or have a career (even once kids were grown), was anxious for us to marry and give her grandkids by the time she was 50. Some women who defined their entire lives by being wives and mothers, are left at odds until they can busy themselves with planning weddings, baby showers and being grandmas. She may feel left out of the "club" of her peers.

Perhaps she needs job or a time consuming hobby.

I agree a conversation is in order - ask her why.
I have a relative who was a SAHM for 22 plus years. it was a real shock for her to be an empty nester when the youngest child went away for his last years of college. She didn't have any/many friends or hobbies or anything besides caring for her children (she still cooked all their meals, made lunches for them, did their laundry, etc. even when they were in community college). It was really hard on her when they all left home.

She now has a part time, fun job and more of a social life and is not bugging her kids to get married and have children any more. She seems much happier.
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