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Old 03-07-2020, 12:56 PM
 
Location: Denver 'burbs
22,597 posts, read 24,262,813 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
I have a relative who was a SAHM for 22 plus years. it was a real shock for her to be an empty nester when the youngest child went away for his last years of college. She didn't have any/many friends or hobbies or anything besides caring for her children (she still cooked all their meals, made lunches for them, did their laundry, etc. even when they were in community college). It was really hard on her when they all left home.

She now has a part time, fun job and more of a social life and is not bugging her kids to get married and have children any more. She seems much happier.
Good for her.

It's not just women. Some men struggle to define themselves after they retire after spending decades feeling their identity was their career.
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Old 03-07-2020, 08:30 PM
 
Location: Forest bathing
2,121 posts, read 1,277,000 times
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My mom married at 17, had me at 18, divorced at 19. Being a booking person and not into dating so much (one boyfrieNd per year of high school), I wasn’t in any hurry to marry. My mom would pester me about dating, but thankfully, didn’t try to set me up. I took 7 years to graduate from college as I paid for everything. Once I graduated, the pressure was on: when are you ever going to get married? Meanwhile, my two younger half-sisters got married and divorced three times in the next twenty years. Me, I married at 34 and am still married. Her pressure on me caused me anxieties about not being good enough because I married later in life and didn’t date much in high school.

Please tell your wife to stop. If she won’t listen to your daughters (who sound amazingly grounded and focused), she will lose their respect and will avoid sharing their life’s’ adventures. You may want guidance from a family counselor if your wife is resistant to you and your daughters’ pleas. Good luck!
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Old 03-07-2020, 08:31 PM
 
4,027 posts, read 3,540,309 times
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I think a lot of parents live vicariously through their children. Basically, they want their kids to shine in ways they didn't. The children are the improved version of themselves. Maybe your wife didn't feel like she got enough attention from the boys at that age and wants to make sure her daughters are more popular???
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Old 03-07-2020, 09:12 PM
 
Location: Scottsdale
1,501 posts, read 763,112 times
Reputation: 2665
Quote:
Originally Posted by USNRET04 View Post
This post may be opposite of what you were thinking when you clicked the headline.

I have two attractive and intelligent daughters, 20 (Jr in local university) and 18 (high school senior). Both of them have dreams to one day find a man, get married and have a family, but right now it is not a priority for them.

They are currently concerned with finishing their education and starting a career, THEN a family. They both have dated, but most of the guys they were with just looking for a short term relationship. Which is pretty normal at their ages of course. Both work part-time besides school and both still live at home while attending to their education.

For some reason my wife cannot not understand that the girls want to wait. She is obsessed with them finding someone NOW! This has been going on at least since both girls turned 16. She constantly asks the girls if they "saw a boy" at the mall, work, school...anyplace outside the house. She has even encouraged the girls to go to dating apps!

But this obsession is hurting her relationship with her daughters. The girls come to me for advice and I support what the girls are doing. I try to tell my wife this is not the 1980-90's anymore. Kids today are more career minded and don't put relationships as such high priority as we did a few decades ago. But my wife persists and I believe it's going to drive my daughters away.

Her and the girls fight a lot over this. The girls tell me they don't want to fight, but it's the constant repeating and intrusive questions. It's driving me and my son (13) crazy too.

My wife is very sensitive when I try to correct her about things, so I need to tread lightly.

Advice?
You are great in supporting your daughters' plans to postpone such a commitment until later when they have finished school and are confident of career paths/goals.

The best answer would be that divorce rates are highest for those under age 25. The human brain has a neurophysiological maturation that continues into the mid-20s. It would be best to wait until at least that point.
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeands...o-an-early-end

When I lived in North FL, there were many young conservative Christian couples rushing into marriage. A lot of them got divorced. I recall the facebook posts and "wedding plans" that fell apart within a few years. A popular female singer from the "Deep South" said it best when she got divorced - "Marriage is not for the faint of heart". Ironically, her songs often focused on romance.
https://people.com/music/hayley-will...married-my-ex/
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Old 03-07-2020, 09:53 PM
 
2,320 posts, read 721,754 times
Reputation: 6191
Quote:
Originally Posted by USNRET04 View Post
This post may be opposite of what you were thinking when you clicked the headline.

I have two attractive and intelligent daughters, 20 (Jr in local university) and 18 (high school senior). Both of them have dreams to one day find a man, get married and have a family, but right now it is not a priority for them.

They are currently concerned with finishing their education and starting a career, THEN a family. They both have dated, but most of the guys they were with just looking for a short term relationship. Which is pretty normal at their ages of course. Both work part-time besides school and both still live at home while attending to their education.

For some reason my wife cannot not understand that the girls want to wait. She is obsessed with them finding someone NOW! This has been going on at least since both girls turned 16. She constantly asks the girls if they "saw a boy" at the mall, work, school...anyplace outside the house. She has even encouraged the girls to go to dating apps!

But this obsession is hurting her relationship with her daughters. The girls come to me for advice and I support what the girls are doing. I try to tell my wife this is not the 1980-90's anymore. Kids today are more career minded and don't put relationships as such high priority as we did a few decades ago. But my wife persists and I believe it's going to drive my daughters away.

Her and the girls fight a lot over this. The girls tell me they don't want to fight, but it's the constant repeating and intrusive questions. It's driving me and my son (13) crazy too.

My wife is very sensitive when I try to correct her about things, so I need to tread lightly.

Advice?
Have you asked her if she prefers that the girls meet a guy, get married, and drop out of college to keep house and have babies instead? (I'm sure it happened to many girls in her era.) Does she try to micromanage other areas of their lives? (Some parents forget to stop being such parents when their kids grow up.)


Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
She is teaching your daughters that they can't trust their own judgment, and, as you have seen, that they can't come to her for advice. She's teaching them to hide their actions and true feelings from her in order to avoid interference or judgment, and she may actually be encouraging them NOT to date just to spite her. You never know.
I could also make an argument for, she is teaching your daughters that their own goals and dreams in life don't matter; tying themselves to a man is the only thing that does.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Chas863 View Post
I thought of that as a possibility, but now I'm more inclined to think that what she really wants is grandchildren that she can enjoy while she is still young enough to do so. Not that she is old now, but if the daughters wait another 8 or 10 years to get married, and then perhaps another year or three before having children, then "granny" is going to be in her 60's before the first kid is hatched.
If that's the case, she needs to get over this, too. Your daughters' lives are theirs, not for her to live vicariously. What would she do if they didn't even want kids?


Counseling can help any of the issues above, if you think she needs it to get over this.
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Old 03-08-2020, 05:11 PM
 
237 posts, read 51,747 times
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Some parents cannot stop being "the boss" of their children.
The power to control another human being parents had when the children were little is so intoxicating they just can't give it up.

This seems to happen most often to mothers.

Sounds like this is the case with your wife, OP.

It can cause real problems as the children become adults and more independent.

If possible think about family counseling. If your wife won't go, you and the girls should go by yourselves to get some ideas on how to handle the wife's obsessive behavior.
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Old 03-13-2020, 04:38 AM
 
188 posts, read 59,131 times
Reputation: 446
My wife has been doing the same sh1t to my daughter, mid 20s, since she was in high school. I got very upset because men today are...forget it....I won't go there. I said she needs to take her time, rushing could result in divorce and a phlethera of other problems. My wife simply said she wants grandchildren.
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Old 03-15-2020, 08:19 AM
 
480 posts, read 171,036 times
Reputation: 1921
I agree--she wants grandchildren.

I think the 2 young ladies should end this by telling her in no uncertain terms that they will no longer tolerate any discussion of their dating lives. They are adults now. They don't need to justify or discuss everything. And you shouldn't be the one stepping in to take control of the situation.

Personally I think this is part of the "helicopter" parenting that became apparent with some recent generations of parents--a tendency to try to over-control everything in their kids' lives. I find mothers to be guilty of this, most seem to have learned how to push and control everyone in their lives, maybe it's a way to staunch anxiety, I don't know.

I think it's kind of odd that young women are being told 2 different stories in our society. On one hand, they're being told to be strong and independent, career-minded and equal to men; on the other hand, they're being expected to get married and have kids like a 1950's housewife. It doesn't make sense to me.
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Old 03-15-2020, 09:12 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
84,009 posts, read 77,061,275 times
Reputation: 84788
Quote:
Originally Posted by RubyandPearl View Post
Some parents cannot stop being "the boss" of their children.
The power to control another human being parents had when the children were little is so intoxicating they just can't give it up.


This seems to happen most often to mothers.

Sounds like this is the case with your wife, OP.

It can cause real problems as the children become adults and more independent.

If possible think about family counseling. If your wife won't go, you and the girls should go by yourselves to get some ideas on how to handle the wife's obsessive behavior.
Boy, you said a mouthful, there. You could start a whole thread with this topic. I haven't noticed this in other cultures/countries. I wonder if it's peculiar to the US, or is especially frequent here, but it seems like there's an unexpectedly high percentage of overbearing mothers here, and overbearing parents in general, who just can't let go. I also notice in advice columns and on forums, that there are parents who lament that their adult kids are estranged from them, and they're eternally puzzled as to why. "I did everything for those kids!", they protest, having no idea that they may well have been toxic parents.
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Old 03-15-2020, 04:58 PM
 
Location: Arlington, VA —> North Carolina in October
24,649 posts, read 35,056,134 times
Reputation: 34471
Quote:
Originally Posted by RubyandPearl View Post
Some parents cannot stop being "the boss" of their children.
The power to control another human being parents had when the children were little is so intoxicating they just can't give it up.

This seems to happen most often to mothers.

Sounds like this is the case with your wife, OP.

It can cause real problems as the children become adults and more independent.

If possible think about family counseling. If your wife won't go, you and the girls should go by yourselves to get some ideas on how to handle the wife's obsessive behavior.
To your first two sentences, exactly. My mother and I have gone at it many times over this same issue. From the offspring’s perspective parents who behave like this are insulting their child’s intelligence along with the overall job they did as parents at the same time. If your adult child can’t administer their own dating life without parental intervention in their 20s and 30s, clearly you think you did a bad job as a parent. From the offspring’s perspective again, it is like you don’t trust them as adults and that will sour a parent and young adult relationship fast. My mother and I have an okay relationship, but because she has battled with me over this topic so much, okay will be the ceiling of our relationship because the trust has been eroded.
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