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Old 03-06-2020, 09:26 AM
 
Location: Upstate
6,258 posts, read 7,035,474 times
Reputation: 4870

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This post may be opposite of what you were thinking when you clicked the headline.

I have two attractive and intelligent daughters, 20 (Jr in local university) and 18 (high school senior). Both of them have dreams to one day find a man, get married and have a family, but right now it is not a priority for them.

They are currently concerned with finishing their education and starting a career, THEN a family. They both have dated, but most of the guys they were with just looking for a short term relationship. Which is pretty normal at their ages of course. Both work part-time besides school and both still live at home while attending to their education.

For some reason my wife cannot not understand that the girls want to wait. She is obsessed with them finding someone NOW! This has been going on at least since both girls turned 16. She constantly asks the girls if they "saw a boy" at the mall, work, school...anyplace outside the house. She has even encouraged the girls to go to dating apps!

But this obsession is hurting her relationship with her daughters. The girls come to me for advice and I support what the girls are doing. I try to tell my wife this is not the 1980-90's anymore. Kids today are more career minded and don't put relationships as such high priority as we did a few decades ago. But my wife persists and I believe it's going to drive my daughters away.

Her and the girls fight a lot over this. The girls tell me they don't want to fight, but it's the constant repeating and intrusive questions. It's driving me and my son (13) crazy too.

My wife is very sensitive when I try to correct her about things, so I need to tread lightly.

Advice?
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Old 03-06-2020, 09:32 AM
 
Location: Florida -
9,421 posts, read 11,774,669 times
Reputation: 19072
Did your wife grow up in a household where she learned that "women go to college or get educations in order to find a husband?" - Ask her why she is so anxious for her daughters to get married and how she thinks that will change hers or their lives? (20 and 18 is hardly grown-up or 'over the hill).

IMO, far too many parents push their children to "grow-up fast", rather than take their time and enjoy the journey ... and learn to make better decisions in the process. I think that is one of the reasons many of our children and teenagers are so confused about life and their own identity. While the latter has always somewhat been the case, it gets exacerbated by 'pushy parents' who are supposed to be the voice of maturity and reason.
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Old 03-06-2020, 09:38 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
18,469 posts, read 19,228,723 times
Reputation: 46332
Is there a possible reason that your wife does this? Was she, and her friends, married at age 18? is it common in her ethnic group or culture to marry young? Did one of her sisters or close friends have problems finding a husband because she waited until she was finished with her education?

Frankly, the only mother that I knew who was worried/obsessed about her daughters getting married was a neighbor (when I was a child in the 1950s/60s) who married when she was 13 and strongly encouraged her daughters to marry their high school sweethearts right after HS graduation.

I suspect that this could really damage her relationship with her daughters. If you can't encourage your wife to change perhaps encourage your daughters to simply not respond when their mom badgers them with questions. It may be better if they just walk away and not speak to Mom instead of fighting with her.

Perhaps they need to have a phrase that they use every time that mom asks them about boys and dating or pressures them about marriage such as "That is my personal & private business and I am not interested in discussing it." And, then they change the subject or walk away.

Last edited by germaine2626; 03-06-2020 at 10:04 AM..
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Old 03-06-2020, 09:42 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
48,503 posts, read 46,763,528 times
Reputation: 94950
Quote:
Originally Posted by USNRET04 View Post

My wife is very sensitive when I try to correct her about things, so I need to tread lightly.
It's funny that she's sensitive about being corrected yet has NO issues whatsoever about her own daughters' sensitivity about her overbearing approach to how they want to live their lives.

I can tell you how this turns out, as the daughter of a mother who was VERY intrusive and frighteningly overinvolved in my personal life: It will drive a wedge between them forever unless she backs off.

She is teaching your daughters that they can't trust their own judgment, and, as you have seen, that they can't come to her for advice. She's teaching them to hide their actions and true feelings from her in order to avoid interference or judgment, and she may actually be encouraging them NOT to date just to spite her. You never know.

For your own sake, I would suggest that you read up on helping your wife establish emotional boundaries with your daughters. You can Google it. You might also Google "enmeshment," although that may not apply as much.

Learning how to approach her about sensitive topics will help your marriage as well.

How would she take it if you wrote out your concerns about this instead of talking to her?
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Old 03-06-2020, 10:02 AM
 
Location: Upstate
6,258 posts, read 7,035,474 times
Reputation: 4870
Thanks for all of the good advice for the 3 posts so far. I married my wife when she was 27, she lived with her parents until about 25, going to school and working full time. She dated, but not a whole lot.

I do believe in "not growing up too fast". Kids have a long and usually difficult journey ahead. For most kids, it can last another 60 years. So I don't believe in pushing them out of the nest too soon, as long as they are improving themselves and working towards a goal.

I see a wedge already developing. The girls tell me that they are very careful of what they tell her, but I feel like they really DO want to talk to her about this stuff, but are afraid she will turn it around.

I was leary about posting this Birdie, it's been going on for several years now. But I'll take your advice and work on my approach and do more research. I'm thinking about seeing if they will go to therapy of some type.
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Old 03-06-2020, 10:10 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
48,503 posts, read 46,763,528 times
Reputation: 94950
Quote:
Originally Posted by USNRET04 View Post
I was leary about posting this Birdie, it's been going on for several years now. But I'll take your advice and work on my approach and do more research. I'm thinking about seeing if they will go to therapy of some type.
That's a great idea. Sometimes parents have a hard time separating from their children, and there's no shame in all of you getting some guidance on how to navigate this time frame without damaging your future relationship.
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Old 03-06-2020, 10:10 AM
 
5,505 posts, read 5,747,304 times
Reputation: 12983
I'm a guy. Your wife's priorities are out of whack and it is good that your daughters recognize that.
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Old 03-06-2020, 10:58 AM
 
2,029 posts, read 2,072,131 times
Reputation: 2077
Among your friend group do you know any women who got married young and found that it was a horrible mistake? If your wife has any sense at all, have her go out to coffee with a woman who was married at 22, abused by her husband, then divorced and left penniless with no education and two children to raise. Perhaps that will wake her up to the wise decisions your daughters are making at this time in their lives.
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Old 03-06-2020, 11:27 AM
 
2,083 posts, read 3,150,911 times
Reputation: 2942
Quote:
Originally Posted by USNRET04 View Post
This post may be opposite of what you were thinking when you clicked the headline.

I have two attractive and intelligent daughters, 20 (Jr in local university) and 18 (high school senior). Both of them have dreams to one day find a man, get married and have a family, but right now it is not a priority for them.

They are currently concerned with finishing their education and starting a career, THEN a family. They both have dated, but most of the guys they were with just looking for a short term relationship. Which is pretty normal at their ages of course. Both work part-time besides school and both still live at home while attending to their education.

For some reason my wife cannot not understand that the girls want to wait. She is obsessed with them finding someone NOW! This has been going on at least since both girls turned 16. She constantly asks the girls if they "saw a boy" at the mall, work, school...anyplace outside the house. She has even encouraged the girls to go to dating apps!

But this obsession is hurting her relationship with her daughters. The girls come to me for advice and I support what the girls are doing. I try to tell my wife this is not the 1980-90's anymore. Kids today are more career minded and don't put relationships as such high priority as we did a few decades ago. But my wife persists and I believe it's going to drive my daughters away.

Her and the girls fight a lot over this. The girls tell me they don't want to fight, but it's the constant repeating and intrusive questions. It's driving me and my son (13) crazy too.

My wife is very sensitive when I try to correct her about things, so I need to tread lightly.

Advice?
Set your wife down, and say "Honey, look, I don't know how to break this to you, but our daughters our gay."

If that doesn't work, I don't know what to tell you man. Good luck with all that.

SS
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Old 03-06-2020, 01:18 PM
 
Location: Gray Court, SC
3,718 posts, read 2,754,638 times
Reputation: 4046
Maybe she thinks she married too late and doesnt want her children to do the same.
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