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Old 03-21-2020, 03:11 AM
ZQY ZQY started this thread
 
35 posts, read 8,993 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyFarm34 View Post
It's one thing to be close to parents but to rely on them for many things bc you have no confidence to do it yourself isn't healthy......
Yep it's true. The sad part is his parents actually don't get involved in his life, they always say things are so complicated, so they don't know what to suggest him. They are being honest, not just reserving their opinions. They are coping with their life the same way. Like now because of the virus outbreak and social distancing, she can only tell him how frightened she is everyday cos she's 70 and she needs to see him every 3 months which seems impossible now. And then he turns to me for comfort and reassurance cos he's filled with fear... I mean I can do that for now, just feel sorry and worried that he probably never get what's entitled to him as a child from parents when he was little, and now he's still helpless. I don't think he relys on them, it's more like the other way around. His grandma was very close to his mom and it caused problems in the family. So his mom told him that if one day she became that needy, then he should let her know... So I guess the enmeshed relationship has been passed on here.
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Old 03-23-2020, 05:07 PM
 
Location: Colorado
14,317 posts, read 8,633,106 times
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If anyone actually read the OP and thought, "What an interesting concept, I am intrigued to understand more about this"...

There is a book,

Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem by John Bradshaw

He talks about enmeshment in detail, as an unhealthy parenting dynamic. The book is generally about dysfunctional family systems, and multi-generational dysfunction, how to recognize it and break chains of it. It leans a bit on the Adult Children of Alcoholics stuff, but it's a good book. He had a PBS show for quite some time, and this book came out in 1988 but a lot of what's in it is still useful and interesting.
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Old 03-24-2020, 02:14 AM
ZQY ZQY started this thread
 
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A bit of findings about the author's work and other sources:
DIAGRAM :: Profile of a Dysfunctional Family System
https://www.kimmelpsychology.com/enmeshment-revisited/
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Old 03-24-2020, 03:34 AM
 
Location: Australia
1,649 posts, read 651,947 times
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Some cultures are much more enmeshed than others. Anglo and Northern European cultures are more individualistic overall.

Members of emeshed cultures are not necessarily disfunctional. Far from it. But an abonormal level of emeshment in a non-emeshed culture can certainly cause many issues.
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Old 03-24-2020, 10:29 PM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RubyandPearl View Post
New boyfriend time
That gets my vote.
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Old 03-24-2020, 11:58 PM
ZQY ZQY started this thread
 
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Originally Posted by Gerania View Post
That gets my vote.
Thank you and RubyandPearl. Honestly I'm tempted, everyday, so I get it why you both suggested. But I do believe I should try to embrace him for who he is first. Love is more about acceptance right? I'm just not so sure if he and his family would be willing to accept me as someone different from them. We had a Christmas together for the first time and it didn't go well in his terms cos I don't behave like him with his parents and sadly his ex did. So I do hope parents here can really check out this post and give it a thought about how they might want to approach to their kids. People grew up like this aren't necessarily close to their parents. They might even want to stay away or regretting making choices that brought them physically closer, but they just couldn't speak up cos deep down they don't know what they want. So think about much later in our life, when we are getting closer to the end of the tunnel, we really want to see our children for the last few times, but they might be more unavailable cos they build their own enmeshed relationship with their kids or partners now.
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Old 03-25-2020, 12:06 AM
ZQY ZQY started this thread
 
35 posts, read 8,993 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MarisaMay View Post
Some cultures are much more enmeshed than others. Anglo and Northern European cultures are more individualistic overall.

Members of emeshed cultures are not necessarily disfunctional. Far from it. But an abonormal level of emeshment in a non-emeshed culture can certainly cause many issues.
I find it hard to agree that enmeshed culture and enmeshed relationship have similar impact on individual life. The magnitude is quite different. I do believe that people from enmeshed cultures could have more tendency to choose or build enmeshed relationships.
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Old 03-26-2020, 12:26 PM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
27,844 posts, read 26,448,443 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ZQY View Post
Thank you and RubyandPearl. Honestly I'm tempted, everyday, so I get it why you both suggested. But I do believe I should try to embrace him for who he is first. Love is more about acceptance right? I'm just not so sure if he and his family would be willing to accept me as someone different from them. We had a Christmas together for the first time and it didn't go well in his terms cos I don't behave like him with his parents and sadly his ex did. So I do hope parents here can really check out this post and give it a thought about how they might want to approach to their kids. People grew up like this aren't necessarily close to their parents. They might even want to stay away or regretting making choices that brought them physically closer, but they just couldn't speak up cos deep down they don't know what they want. So think about much later in our life, when we are getting closer to the end of the tunnel, we really want to see our children for the last few times, but they might be more unavailable cos they build their own enmeshed relationship with their kids or partners now.
Yes, he should be embracing and accepting you.
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Old 03-26-2020, 12:30 PM
 
Location: On the phone
828 posts, read 305,435 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RubyandPearl View Post
New boyfriend time
I used to have a throw pillow that said “if it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.”
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Old 03-26-2020, 03:26 PM
 
27,842 posts, read 30,318,439 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RubyandPearl View Post
New boyfriend time
That's what I thought. This guy won't be a good partner for anyone unless he's willing to get some serious help.
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