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Old 03-26-2020, 03:31 PM
 
27,878 posts, read 30,348,974 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ZQY View Post
Thank you and RubyandPearl. Honestly I'm tempted, everyday, so I get it why you both suggested. But I do believe I should try to embrace him for who he is first. Love is more about acceptance right? I'm just not so sure if he and his family would be willing to accept me as someone different from them. We had a Christmas together for the first time and it didn't go well in his terms cos I don't behave like him with his parents and sadly his ex did. So I do hope parents here can really check out this post and give it a thought about how they might want to approach to their kids. People grew up like this aren't necessarily close to their parents. They might even want to stay away or regretting making choices that brought them physically closer, but they just couldn't speak up cos deep down they don't know what they want. So think about much later in our life, when we are getting closer to the end of the tunnel, we really want to see our children for the last few times, but they might be more unavailable cos they build their own enmeshed relationship with their kids or partners now.
I'm not sure what you're getting out of this relationship and all its limitations. But I can guarantee you, you'll grow more and more resentful over time?

Why would you settle for this? Do you feel like you can't find someone else?
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Old 03-27-2020, 02:33 AM
ZQY ZQY started this thread
 
36 posts, read 9,224 times
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Originally Posted by mysticaltyger View Post
I'm not sure what you're getting out of this relationship and all its limitations. But I can guarantee you, you'll grow more and more resentful over time?

Why would you settle for this? Do you feel like you can't find someone else?
Thank you for your concern. I'd say it's because I fall in love with him too hard and too quick in the beginning and it's kept me going to now. I know he loves me cos he put up with my deal-breaker stuff too like I do self-harm and get drunk when we couldn't solve our issues. We're going along well down to most details in a life together. So I just hope we can get some help on our communication problems and I believe deep down these problems have something to do with the way he grew up. His family always appear to agree with each other on everything or at least they rarely have any even minor confrontations. I'm ok to move on if we really couldn't stand each other. I've been preparing myself for it for sometime now.. But I do think it's not easy for me to find someone better than him. And yep I become more resentful... It's a good chance to learn how to let it go...
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Old 03-27-2020, 02:51 PM
 
10,993 posts, read 9,165,808 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ZQY View Post
Thank you for your concern. I'd say it's because I fall in love with him too hard and too quick in the beginning and it's kept me going to now. I know he loves me cos he put up with my deal-breaker stuff too like I do self-harm and get drunk when we couldn't solve our issues. We're going along well down to most details in a life together. So I just hope we can get some help on our communication problems and I believe deep down these problems have something to do with the way he grew up. His family always appear to agree with each other on everything or at least they rarely have any even minor confrontations. I'm ok to move on if we really couldn't stand each other. I've been preparing myself for it for sometime now.. But I do think it's not easy for me to find someone better than him. And yep I become more resentful... It's a good chance to learn how to let it go...
That is not love.

Are you in counseling, or have you been in the recent past? You say you want to get help on your communication problems - you'd be far more likely to get that kind of help through genuine counseling, during which you are honest about your own problems, than through asking strangers here for suggestions.

That said, my suggestion is - seek counseling, either individually or as a couple - or both. Best wishes to you.
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Old 03-27-2020, 10:35 PM
ZQY ZQY started this thread
 
36 posts, read 9,224 times
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Originally Posted by CraigCreek View Post
That is not love.

Are you in counseling, or have you been in the recent past? You say you want to get help on your communication problems - you'd be far more likely to get that kind of help through genuine counseling, during which you are honest about your own problems, than through asking strangers here for suggestions.

That said, my suggestion is - seek counseling, either individually or as a couple - or both. Best wishes to you.
Thanks buddy. Yes we are taking couple sessions. Maybe he doesn't love me in a normal way cos he's not getting love that way from almost everyone in his life. I'm just happy enough that he still want to take sessions and showed some change. Hopefully he can understand if he loves me or not, or learn something new about love. Idividually I might take when I can afford both. I'm actually very much interested in counseling and psychology. And it helps me to be open about myself and my past. I basically just here to raise awareness of parenting to be honest...so I didn't put down enough info about my relationship. But really thank you for helping me. It's rare.
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Old 03-27-2020, 11:39 PM
ZQY ZQY started this thread
 
36 posts, read 9,224 times
Reputation: 31
Here are some more observations on enmeshed relationship.

My partner's parents have greeting rituals in the morning and before bed. I went along for a few days and felt a bit uncomfortable about that much physical intimacy. So one morning I told them that I'd like to just do a hug and say morning. But nothing changed and my partner said his parents probably find it offensive and he just need me to continue his parents' rituals cos it's normal and simple. Seems like he's their delegate and they want me to be more similar to them, like my partner does. Also his face looks like he find it repulsive to be greeted that way when his parents greet him with hugs and kisses. I asked him if he knows what his face looks like at that moment and he said no, he feels fine.

One time, his Mom asked me what kind of job I want to do. After I replied, she said that I should work as a XXX cos I should be more good at this job than the one I prefer. I said that I'd prefer to follow my heart and choose something I'm passionate about and that's also why I'm with someone I love. And there is no response other than some gesture implying "whatever, I don't know". My partner expressed the similar concern months before and also after this conversation. His concern is that he's not familiar with the kind of job I want. A few days later, he couldn't go to sleep because of this... so I got up and explained what that job is like and salary expectation, but I think it will continue to haunt him cos he's still concerned about my career choice afterwards.

One day at dinner, his mom talked about how much he cried over taking piano lessons after a year when he was little and shaked her head as she was still disappointed and ashamed. My partner said nothing but translated for me. I'm not so sure whom she meant to tell actually. He also told me that his mom was quite ashamed of him not be able to get up on time when he was young and she needs to ask him to get up many times in the morning. When we just got together, he had 6 shockingly loud alarms every morning ringing for half an hour just like what his mom did when he was young.
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