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Old 03-19-2020, 10:40 AM
ZQY ZQY started this thread
40 posts, read 10,710 times
Reputation: 31


Hi there! First of all, I'm not a parent and I recently came to be aware of the consequences of "enmeshed relationship" because my boyfriend probably has one with his mom or sometimes dad too. The intention of the post is to raise awareness of enmeshment.

I think enmeshed relationship between parents and children means that the boundaries are blurry between them when the children are still underage. And we all know children don't really know how to set the boundaries, so guess it's for the parents to be careful. Parents might treat their children like friends, partners, subordinates or even other roles. But most importantly, parents might forget or unable to offer unconditional support, help and protection to the children. So the consequence might be that, since the children don't have the chance to experience growing-up, cos they are too busy taking other roles, they might never grow up properly. I'm sure some children could turn their life around no matter what, but just in case they won't.

Maybe I'll show you some potentially scary consequences to grab your attention. They might be thwarted by fear constantly. They are scared to change and decide on things, big and small. It's normal and healthy to have fear and recognize it, but it would be a disaster if they stop moving forward because of fear.

My boyfriend had an ex and they had lived together for 5 years. In the beginning, his ex didn't reveal the fact that they can only be together for 5 years in secret until she finished her study and leave the country, unless he's willing to make great sacrifices and immigrate to that far away country, which would turn his life course completely. So after they'd been dating for a while, she told him that and he doesn't know what to do, for the rest 4 some years.

He wants to break up in the beginning, but he's afraid of having difficult conversation in order to break up. He's also afraid to break up because they were having a nice time together. He doesn't want to think about the future of the relationship because it's difficult. Later on when there is just one year left, he's afraid to break up because she was doing her Phd dissertation, stressful time. Then after she graduated and about to leave, he thought there was no need to break up cos it's supposed to end naturally. Sadly their relationship didn't end there naturally, so it went on to create yet more difficulties and he doesn't have the capacity to handle.

Later on I learned how afraid he is of mistakes and failure. "Anything can happen" and "not sure" are his go to phrases. I'd say he lives in a world of fear, probably because he doesn't have the chance to develope his own autonomy. Enmeshed relationship could render children entering adulthood without having a strong sense of self. Enmeshed children do not get to pass through the normal stages of development. They do not form a healthy identity because they are forced to take on their parent’s identity.

I'd say my boyfriend checks some boxes here. He has no idea what he wants and yet in the same time he wants the easy things. He's rather like the combination of his parents and they are timid, uptight, careful, afraid of difficult things down to driving through big cities and changing bakery. He also wants a partner who happen to agree with him on almost everything so that they never needs to have any difficult conversation to settle anything. That also comes out of observation of his parents' relationship where his mom has to agree with his dad on quite a lot of things.

He also feels guilty towards his parents whenever he can't company them. His parents would drop tears whenever he leaves them even years after he moved to a neighboring country. Everytime they call, they have to say 3 or 4 time of "bye bye" and "kisses" in the end before he has no choice but to hang up because his mom can't. Judging from the fact that his parents don't like change for their whole life, I'd say there is a good chance their dynamic remains the same through out all the years.

So I hope my post gives a bit real touch of how bad things can be and hopefully more people can think twice when parenting.
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Old 03-19-2020, 10:52 AM
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Executive Summary needed.
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Old 03-19-2020, 11:04 AM
Location: State of Transition
84,456 posts, read 77,638,428 times
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This sounds like what we in the US call "helicopter parenting"; parents who hover over their children through all stages of life (even following them to university, in some cases), making all decisions for them, removing all possible obstacles out of their way, so the children won't have to experience frustration, and so on. The result is a generation of young adults who cannot manage their own lives, and who stress out to the point of paralysis in some cases, over ordinary tasks, like managing an apartment, paying bills, going to work. A new word for this has even been coined in English: "adulting", to be an adult and manage adult responsibilities. Some of the current crop of young adults can't do it. Psycholotherapists and counselors are seeing people in their late 20's and even their 30's, struggling to cope with ordinary life tasks. These poor people are riddled with anxiety, a form of fear, as you all it.

It's very sad. This type of parenting has resulted in psychologically crippled children entering adulthood (some are already well into adulthood). I can't imagine where the idea for this type of parenting came from, and why it's been so widespread since roughly the 1990's.
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Old 03-19-2020, 11:12 AM
238 posts, read 55,813 times
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New boyfriend time
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Old 03-19-2020, 11:32 AM
7,878 posts, read 3,829,727 times
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Once a person addresses their own shortcomings change becomes a choice.
While parents may influence and guide to some extent, as a person matures into adulthood choices can be re grouped for healthier relations.

My grandson has been in therapy since age 6. He has severe anxiety thanks to his hypochondriac mom. Mind you he was and continues to be of high intelligence. Yet to reason with him is not in his bag of tricks. I refuse to plactate him when he plays the what if game or gee maybe I have that too!! Instead I leave it alone and will wait til he is 18 to have the family talk on how his delusional mom was wrong.
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Old 03-19-2020, 02:25 PM
1,764 posts, read 1,069,253 times
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Originally Posted by ZQY View Post
I'm not a parent and I recently came to be aware of...
Good for you.

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Old 03-20-2020, 07:34 AM
12,412 posts, read 9,527,846 times
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Originally Posted by wac_432 View Post
Good for you.

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Old 03-20-2020, 09:42 AM
Location: Fort Lauderdale, Florida
10,759 posts, read 9,462,656 times
Reputation: 23821
So your boyfriend is socially retarded because he's too close to his parents.
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Old 03-20-2020, 10:20 PM
Location: USA
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Reputation: 4779
It's one thing to be close to parents but to rely on them for many things bc you have no confidence to do it yourself isn't healthy......
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Old 03-21-2020, 01:47 AM
ZQY ZQY started this thread
40 posts, read 10,710 times
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Originally Posted by hunterseat View Post
Thanks buddy
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