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Old 04-29-2020, 07:25 PM
 
5,185 posts, read 4,471,716 times
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First off, if your wife is angry at you for running away from the kid when she throws a tantrum, then you have a MARITAL issue, in addition to the parenting issue. You've got to have a talk with her, and get on the same page, present a unified front to the child.

Stop the playdates with spoiled brats who throw things at their parents! Encourage playdates with well-behaved children.

Early bedtime. That ensures plenty of sleep for her, and some grown up time for you. Physically active play during the day, but quiet down for an hour or more before bed.

If she ever goes to throw a toy at you, take it away, get rid of it, and don't replace it. If she raises her hand at you, send her to her room. Never sit holding a door shut while she screams and tries to pull it open. If necessary, put a bolt on the outside of the room and bolt her in, but do not sit there holding the door shut. It's a form of attention. You want her left alone to exhaust herself with no audience. Of course, if she starts the tantrum in the living room, and you can just walk away from her and lock yourself into your bedroom without risking that she harms herself or anything around her, that would be better. You see, you want to ignore the behavior - and to ignore it, that means you are not interacting with her.

Three minutes in a naughty chair is SO not gonna work with this spirited young lady. But I have a feeling she will learn very quickly, as long as you and your wife can agree on how to manage her. If you cannot agree (if her style is to raise a little empress - which might be how she was raised, if she was of the one child policy era), then you are in big trouble. The only thing that will get your wife to stop treating her that way is.... another child.
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Old 04-29-2020, 07:29 PM
 
5,185 posts, read 4,471,716 times
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Oh, by the way, a great way to cure bedtime tantrums is to teach her to tell time, and then explain that the pediatrician said that kids who tantrum at bedtime are clearly overtired, and need an earlier bedtime, so that if bed time is usually 9 PM, and she throws a fit, tomorrow it will be at 830, and so on. That will cure things pretty fast, too, because as soon as she realizes that she's going to be at 7 PM, or right after dinner, because of the behavior, she'll cut it out.
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Old 04-29-2020, 10:53 PM
 
5,845 posts, read 8,639,881 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 415_s2k View Post
We have a daughter who's a little over 3 and a half. She's generally been a pretty good kid - she's a little naughty by nature, but smart, creative, funny, and usually full of hugs and sweet words.

Over the last few weeks, she's gone from fussy to throwing out-and-out tantrums before bed. She started out getting really sad about two pets we have who passed away over the last year - "daddy, I miss our doggie," or "mommy, I miss our bird!" Then, she started crying about it. Finally, starting about a week ago, she's thrown screaming tantrums when it comes time to shower and go to bed... hitting us, throwing things, etc. They usually last ten minutes or so but tonight's was over half an hour, and now she's insisting that she wants to play before she goes to bed (it's 10.20pm here).

I have tinnitus and it's gotten worse because she's literally taking a breath in and screaming it out at the top of her lungs and repeating (my left ear is now ringing loudly, constantly). If I try to leave the room to save my ears, my wife starts throwing her own tantrum, thinking I'm abandoning her or shirking my fatherly duties.

The only thing I can think of that's really changed is that she has had a handful of playdates with a friend's kids; my friend and his wife are mellow to a fault but their children are pretty poorly-behaved, throwing frequent tantrums, shouting at you and pulling on your clothes to get what they want, etc. The younger one (5 years old) in particular has hourly outbursts where he throws things and threatens you - after seeing it two times, my daughter has done the same. We've managed to mellow her back out somewhat during the daytime, but nightimes are getting to be unbearable.

Any advice as to what we can do to reign in the screaming and shouting?
Xshe May be over tired. Start bedtime an hour earlier. You could also change her bedtime routine and move shower time to the morning. Then the things associated with the tantrum are changed. You may also want to read a book with her about losing a pet.
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Old 04-30-2020, 06:36 AM
 
2,338 posts, read 726,755 times
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If she's increasingly-upset over deceased pets, you might want to get to the bottom of it. After all, usually grief decreases with time; it doesn't get worse. Which makes me wonder if there's more to it. How well does she understand death? Is it possible she has heard someone mention death in terms of "being asleep" or pets being "put to sleep" and now she is afraid if she goes to sleep she's going to die? Or is it possible she's had nightmares that make her afraid to go to sleep, or has been told scary stories about monsters under the bed or something by other kids?


Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
The strong-arm with the door solution for 20 minutes is going to back-fire over the long term. First of all, you are going to get tired - secondly, I don't think it's good to teach her that you are basically having a power struggle and the strongest person is going to win. When she becomes a teenager, she might win . . . Better to have a time-out area or a "naughty chair" with a time limit (3 minutes, per 3 years of age) or something less labor intensive.
How is that not still a power struggle? It's just not a physical one (unless the kid refuses to stay in the chair). The parent is still the one with more power in this situation, and is using it to dictate what the child-- the person with less power-- is going to do.
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Old 04-30-2020, 08:09 AM
 
1,927 posts, read 1,536,372 times
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Default You again

Quote:
Originally Posted by 415_s2k View Post
We have a daughter who's a little over 3 and a half. She's generally been a pretty good kid - she's a little naughty by nature, but smart, creative, funny, and usually full of hugs and sweet words.

Over the last few weeks, she's gone from fussy to throwing out-and-out tantrums before bed. She started out getting really sad about two pets we have who passed away over the last year - "daddy, I miss our doggie," or "mommy, I miss our bird!" Then, she started crying about it. Finally, starting about a week ago, she's thrown screaming tantrums when it comes time to shower and go to bed... hitting us, throwing things, etc. They usually last ten minutes or so but tonight's was over half an hour, and now she's insisting that she wants to play before she goes to bed (it's 10.20pm here).

I have tinnitus and it's gotten worse because she's literally taking a breath in and screaming it out at the top of her lungs and repeating (my left ear is now ringing loudly, constantly). If I try to leave the room to save my ears, my wife starts throwing her own tantrum, thinking I'm abandoning her or shirking my fatherly duties.

The only thing I can think of that's really changed is that she has had a handful of playdates with a friend's kids; my friend and his wife are mellow to a fault but their children are pretty poorly-behaved, throwing frequent tantrums, shouting at you and pulling on your clothes to get what they want, etc. The younger one (5 years old) in particular has hourly outbursts where he throws things and threatens you - after seeing it two times, my daughter has done the same. We've managed to mellow her back out somewhat during the daytime, but nightimes are getting to be unbearable.

Any advice as to what we can do to reign in the screaming and shouting?



A nite-nite book. At sleepy time do the same thing over and over. One is to read her the same book over and over again. Hopefully perhaps about saying good night to mr. moon, mr. squirrel, the birds, like that.
Something to concentrate her mind. my wife taught my daughter to recite the poem "when the bough breaks" in old english
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Old 04-30-2020, 01:37 PM
 
3,226 posts, read 3,230,930 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
Oh, by the way, a great way to cure bedtime tantrums is to teach her to tell time, and then explain that the pediatrician said that kids who tantrum at bedtime are clearly overtired, and need an earlier bedtime, so that if bed time is usually 9 PM, and she throws a fit, tomorrow it will be at 830, and so on. That will cure things pretty fast, too, because as soon as she realizes that she's going to be at 7 PM, or right after dinner, because of the behavior, she'll cut it out.
This is what I was going to suggest. I first heard this from John Rosemond, who had a lot of great tips for parents. An excellent child psychologist, one of my favorite pieces of advice from him was not to listen to child psychologists!

He often would have parents tell their children that "the doctor says that children who XYZ aren't getting enough sleep and should be put to bed 30 minutes early." Children understand that the "doctor" is an authority figure whom their parents listen to and will rarely argue about that. They almost always reported success.

How this turns out will set the tone for the rest of her life. Be the parent that she can rely on to handle her calmly yet firmly, without giving in to her fits. She really needs both of you to be strong. Kids who know that they can break their parents down can't help doing it and losing respect for their parents ensues.

Good luck!
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Old 04-30-2020, 01:50 PM
 
Location: State of Denial
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People who think the "Terrible Twos" is the worst haven't been through the "Threenager" year yet.


What worked for me through children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren is the "music routine". You pick a CD of very restful music and it gets played during the "settling down" period and into the "sleep". It's a form of self-hypnosis. It has to be exactly the same CD every night, starting with the same song. Before too long, the sound of the song "tells" the child that it's time to go into calm-down mode, then sleep-mode. They can't resist it. I've taken long car trips and when the kids got tired and rambunctious, on went the music. Out like a light went the kid.


I've preached this method to many new parents and have received heartfelt thanks from a lot of them.


In 1697, poet William Congreve wrote: "Musick hath charms to soothe a savage breast, to soften rocks or bend a knotted oak." If it can do that, it can at least put a dent into a 3-year-old's tantrums.
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Old 04-30-2020, 01:52 PM
 
Location: planet earth
6,626 posts, read 2,751,410 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by K12144 View Post
If she's increasingly-upset over deceased pets, you might want to get to the bottom of it. After all, usually grief decreases with time; it doesn't get worse. Which makes me wonder if there's more to it. How well does she understand death? Is it possible she has heard someone mention death in terms of "being asleep" or pets being "put to sleep" and now she is afraid if she goes to sleep she's going to die? Or is it possible she's had nightmares that make her afraid to go to sleep, or has been told scary stories about monsters under the bed or something by other kids?




How is that not still a power struggle? It's just not a physical one (unless the kid refuses to stay in the chair). The parent is still the one with more power in this situation, and is using it to dictate what the child-- the person with less power-- is going to do.
Are you serious? Yes, it is still asserting power, but not physically. The physical assertion is too much and negatively affects both parties. Just not a good solution - if it was, you would read about it in parenting books: i.e., "If your child acts out, take them to their room and bolt them in - if you do not have a bolt lean against the door for however long it takes your child to quit fighting or pass out . . . "
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Old 04-30-2020, 03:28 PM
 
1,927 posts, read 1,536,372 times
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Default Another Thing

I remember another "settle-down" thing. One evening something set our daughter off, and from downstairs it sounded like she was wrecking her room. She wouldn't settle down so I took her door off its hinges and stored it in the basement. Suddenly that was her biggest concern. Getting that door back. Peace in the valley. Don't remember what the problem was which now bothers me. She doesn't remember it at all.
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Old 04-30-2020, 03:34 PM
 
1,338 posts, read 914,447 times
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My almost 4yr old has been doing the same. I took all his toys out of the playroom minus books. I left the toys in his room minus his fav toy. My wife started a chart he gets a star for behaving and listening. After 10 stars he gets a toy back. It’s been about 6 days and he’s done a complete turn around.
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