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Old 05-01-2020, 11:54 AM
 
Location: Guangzhou, China
10,147 posts, read 13,978,059 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by K12144 View Post
If she's increasingly-upset over deceased pets, you might want to get to the bottom of it. After all, usually grief decreases with time; it doesn't get worse. Which makes me wonder if there's more to it. How well does she understand death? Is it possible she has heard someone mention death in terms of "being asleep" or pets being "put to sleep" and now she is afraid if she goes to sleep she's going to die? Or is it possible she's had nightmares that make her afraid to go to sleep, or has been told scary stories about monsters under the bed or something by other kids?.
We've never used the terms "being asleep" or "put to sleep," for that very reason - we don't want her to fear night time or sleep. She was going to a montessori school before the virus hit and so interacting with older kids is a big part of the program - she may have heard some sort of spooky story from them or something, I'm not sure. She's not afraid of the dark and doesn't believe in monsters.

Side note: she calls "spooky" things, "scoopy."
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Old 05-01-2020, 11:55 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
48,404 posts, read 46,693,254 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 415_s2k View Post
Unfortunately, though I didn't want to bring it up, there is definitely some truth to this. My wife is from a two-kid household but, quite contrary to the norm over here, she was the favored child and an unfortunate number of her spoiled-kid behaviors have carried into adulthood - if she wants water or a tissue, regardless of how far she is from it, her first impulse is to ask me to get it for her, regardless of what I'm doing. Anything that is burdensome or unpleasant for her must be taken over by or at least shared with me. Not long after our daughter was born, she recounted one of her most cherished childhood memories: "I had been studying at school and wanted lobster for dinner, and my parents told me we would have it for dinner, but they couldn't find it anywhere. I got so mad, I yelled at my parents and said many rude things, and so my father rode around town for hours, and finally found lobster... I was so happy. That is true love." ... well, yikes. I grew up poor in the US, and if my parents said that we were gonna have pizza next Friday, and we didn't, and I cried about it, then that would have cemented my not eating pizza for weeks.

Without getting into a diatribe about it and giving the impression that our marriage or family life is unpleasant (it's not, really), she has some behaviors that she really needs to work on, and she's made progress over the last year and a half or so, but the problem is that yes, once she gets going, she herself can't stop, and she lacks the skill to control her temper in front of our child. She never will take fault in any disagreement or problem and is very big on assigning blame, which has rubbed off on our daughter - even in a good mood, our daughter notes very specifically that something is someone's fault, and in a bad mood, she will start to say things like "I'm not being naughty, you're being naughty," "I didn't break it, you broke it," etc. I don't like it at all, so I counter it with, "Unless it's a HUGE problem, it's not very nice to tell people that something is their fault. We can know it, but not say anything."

A few times, my wife has heard me saying things like this to our daughter, and said, "was that also meant for me?" or "I guess maybe I need to learn how to be nicer, too." Not in a sarcastic way, either.

Ooof.

Sorry, OP, but if this is the case, all your efforts will only be worth about half of their usual effectiveness.

As long as your wife continues to set a poor example AND undermine your efforts, your daughter's behavior will be a struggle.
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Old 05-01-2020, 02:06 PM
 
Location: interior Alaska
4,941 posts, read 3,699,627 times
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All other issues aside, 10:20 pm is just really late for a small child. Kids that age generally need 12+ hours of sleep per night. Being overtired is a recipe for tantrums even in the best of circumstances from the mildest personalities.

I'd start by starting the bedtime routine much earlier.
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Old 05-01-2020, 10:19 PM
 
5,173 posts, read 4,464,209 times
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It sounds to me as if she is a bright and perceptive child, and that you are making great progress. It also sounds as if you DID marry a little empress (the story about the lobster makes me both cringe, and want to shake her parents by the lapels and say, "What were you thinking???")

You're gonna have your hands full, with these two, but if your wife is as smart and spirited as your daughter, I can understand why you married her. It's funny, the little girl sounds SO much like her mother!

Best of luck to you.
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Old 05-02-2020, 09:52 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
84,009 posts, read 77,081,201 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 415_s2k View Post
General update: Our daughter was pretty good all of today. She did start to act up at one point and started to get weepy and whiny, but I asked her, "do you remember what we did the other day?"
Her: "You put me in my room?"
Me: "Yes."
Her: "I don't want to go back in my room. I will stop." She stopped, stood up, gave me a hug and said, "daddy, I won't be naughty like that again. I don't like being naughty."

She started to get a bit mopey before bedtime and brought up our deceased dog again, but remained composed, and was out by 8.45.
Very impressive, dad. Congrats! Now if you could just employ similar tactics with your wife, and get the same results...
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Old 05-02-2020, 09:58 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
84,009 posts, read 77,081,201 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
Ooof.

Sorry, OP, but if this is the case, all your efforts will only be worth about half of their usual effectiveness.

As long as your wife continues to set a poor example AND undermine your efforts, your daughter's behavior will be a struggle.
This might not be so difficult or awkward. Now that the OP has seen progress with their daughter, I wonder if he could approach his wife to discuss daughter's behavior, and suggest something along the lines of "we need to be on the same page with this, a team", and explain that progress has been made, so it would be important to reinforce daughter's positive changes, and along with that, being good role models would be important too. (hint hint, mom).
It sounds like the OP's wife has already gotten that message anyway, so a little talk of this nature shouldn't make any waves, and could go far in solving *ahem* both problems.

OP? Doable?
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Old 05-02-2020, 02:41 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
48,404 posts, read 46,693,254 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post

... so a little talk of this nature shouldn't make any waves...


Did you read the lobster story, Ruth??
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Old 05-02-2020, 03:13 PM
 
Location: planet earth
6,625 posts, read 2,744,389 times
Reputation: 14894
Quote:
Originally Posted by 415_s2k View Post
Well, I'd certainly have preferred it if the many conversations we'd had about not being naughty would have helped, but up till now, no. If you try to do it while she's going off, she either looks the other way, ragdolls, and goes "GUG-GUG-GUGGY-GUGGY!!" till you're about ready to lose it (if she hasn't started screaming or crying yet), or she screams and goes on the offensive ("NO YOU DON'T ACT NAUGHTY YOU STOP IT" - seriously). She's an obstinate toddler... unfortunately you can't really reason with her until she's calmed down, and left to her own vices, that can take a looooooong time.
I wasn't suggesting "having a conversation with her" while she is having a tantrum, but while she is calm.
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Old 05-02-2020, 06:32 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
84,009 posts, read 77,081,201 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post


Did you read the lobster story, Ruth??
I did, but I took this story (excerpt) as a hopeful sign of potential reform.

Quote:
I counter it with, "Unless it's a HUGE problem, it's not very nice to tell people that something is their fault. We can know it, but not say anything."

A few times, my wife has heard me saying things like this to our daughter, and said, "was that also meant for me?" or "I guess maybe I need to learn how to be nicer, too." Not in a sarcastic way, either.
Too optimistic on my part? I guess we'll find out, eventually.
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Old 05-02-2020, 10:41 PM
 
545 posts, read 121,628 times
Reputation: 1473
I would not call it a tantrum.

I think she needs help from a psychologist.
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