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Old 05-11-2020, 09:13 PM
 
17,776 posts, read 21,877,310 times
Reputation: 36035

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Quote:
Originally Posted by eschaton View Post
As a little update, tonight after dinner we realized that my son had gotten into and destroyed something of my wife's that was hidden under the bed in the playroom (an art project she made in graduate school which really had sentimental value for her). She blew her top at him - I was a bit worried she was going to smack him - she was throwing toys at him and such. She made him clean up the entire playroom (I secretly helped, because it was way too messy for him to clean up before bedtime) then she sent him to bed with no blankets or stuffed animals as punishment.

To make it clear, it's not like I leave him totally by himself all day. The typical schedule is something like this:

7:15 - I wake him up, dress him, get him breakfast, have him take his Vyvanse.
8:15 - I send him to the playroom.
9:00 - I collect him for morning meeting (online conference call) with his teacher/class.
9:45 - I send him back to the playroom
11:00 - Second class of the day. Typically a 30-minute online session of Music/Art/Gym/Library
11:30 - Send him back to the playroom again:
12:00 - Head down for lunch
1:00 - We work on schoolwork:
2:00 - 5:00 largely unstructured time he spends in the playroom. I usually check in on him every 30 minutes or so.
5:00 - I start making dinner (I'm the cook in the household), and normal evening routine starts - which caps off with his going to bed by 8:00.

Really I think the afternoon block is where things often go awry, because it's the only large period of time he's left by himself. Otherwise he's just left alone for 30-45 minute blocks.

I generally find he's better behaved if I let him watch a tablet. Often if it's something he's seen before he will not really pay close attention to it, just letting it play in the background. My wife tends to think of the tablet more as a "privilege" type of thing though. If he makes a mess in the playroom she'll take it away, and tell him that he won't get it back until he cleans the room, and then leave him alone in the room. This never really works, because he has about a 30-second attention span, and as soon as someone leaves the room he'll get distracted away from cleaning onto something else. He'll often start acting out even more if he doesn't have some show to watch as well. I'm not entirely sure how much of this is by accident, versus on purpose.
Wow, now you're talking child abuse.

Do you think that's it's only low income people with no formal education are the only ones who have domestic abuse issues? If that "piece" was so important than your wife should have put it somewhere out of reach instead of under the bed?

I remember years ago a friend of mine who is a special ed. teacher and there were suspicions of abuse with a certain parent. Another teacher commented "oh no, she dresses so nice"...sigh. Well it was true.

I am almost hoping this is made up thread by some bored teen stuck at home, but also afraid it's not as you have been on the board so long. Because being true is more frightening. I don't even know you and live in CA and you're making me worry.

You better address this situation, get some help in there.

You're living in a enviornment that could turn deadly...not trying to be dramatic. It's disturbing to hear.

Before you have a tragedy on your hands.
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Old 05-11-2020, 09:37 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
48,483 posts, read 46,735,666 times
Reputation: 94888
Quote:
Originally Posted by eschaton View Post
As a little update, tonight after dinner we realized that my son had gotten into and destroyed something of my wife's that was hidden under the bed in the playroom (an art project she made in graduate school which really had sentimental value for her). She blew her top at him - I was a bit worried she was going to smack him - she was throwing toys at him and such. She made him clean up the entire playroom (I secretly helped, because it was way too messy for him to clean up before bedtime) then she sent him to bed with no blankets or stuffed animals as punishment.
OK, Dad, the whole family needs a time-out. This cannot go on.

I completely get that we are living in trying times and all that. However ...

You and your wife appear to be making things worse rather than better. You've established a dysfunctional dynamic where your son, who is suffering, has become a black hole of destruction, your wife insulates herself from the chaos because "work," then lashes out with punishments, rather than discipline, that don't work, you run around on eggshells enabling everyone in an effort to keep the peace, and your poor daughter has learned to hide away in her room to avoid the chaos.

Please take time off to devote yourself to this emergency, and convince your wife to take at least two days. You need to call your pediatrician and ask about family counseling.

Your son has been diagnosed and medicated, but as you can see, that doesn't solve "the problem."

He still needs guidance, discipline (which is NOT the same as punishment) and love. Giving a kid with ADHD a non-specific command like, "Clean this room!" is one of the worst things you can do. He needs to be TAUGHT how to behave and how to react. He can't learn that in your current setup. The schedule looks to be one that mainly benefits the adults in the family rather than this child.

Please make this a priority. It won't be easy because I suspect your wife has reasons for remaining so detached from the situation, and they're reasons she won't be eager to let go of.

But if you two don't get a grip on this now, imagine the chaos you'll be dealing with when he's 13.
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Old 05-11-2020, 09:41 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
48,483 posts, read 46,735,666 times
Reputation: 94888
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fun fit View Post
I am so sorry this is happening in your house. I understand as I have an ADHD son. I cried everyday. He was so out of control and your descriptions of actions are spot on. Your son is not able to control himself just like someone blind can not see. Please speak to your pediatrician. Behavior therapy can work but you need to get him to calm down internally as well as externally. Try medication. Start very small dose you will be shocked. For those who disagree with medication... diabetics need drugs, high blood pressure needs meds so does ADHD. and yes... I am a doctor.
He's already on Vyvanse.
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Old 05-11-2020, 09:46 PM
 
Location: Dallas TX
15,556 posts, read 22,921,373 times
Reputation: 23787
As Germaine stated, you and your wife need to have a discussion with work. Most employers are much more flexible. It sounds to me as if you bit are expecting your son to make the sacrifice of unstructured time. You and your wife need to figure out how to manage it.

I can’t tell you how many meetings I am in and someone’s child is sitting in a lap or running in the background. It’s an entirely different world right now. I can’t imagine being in your shoes, but just leaving your son for hours isn’t the answer. He’s lashing out drastically and it will only get worse.
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Old 05-11-2020, 10:12 PM
 
17,776 posts, read 21,877,310 times
Reputation: 36035
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
OK, Dad, the whole family needs a time-out. This cannot go on.

I completely get that we are living in trying times and all that. However ...

You and your wife appear to be making things worse rather than better. You've established a dysfunctional dynamic where your son, who is suffering, has become a black hole of destruction, your wife insulates herself from the chaos because "work," then lashes out with punishments, rather than discipline, that don't work, you run around on eggshells enabling everyone in an effort to keep the peace, and your poor daughter has learned to hide away in her room to avoid the chaos.

Please take time off to devote yourself to this emergency, and convince your wife to take at least two days. You need to call your pediatrician and ask about family counseling.

Your son has been diagnosed and medicated, but as you can see, that doesn't solve "the problem."

He still needs guidance, discipline (which is NOT the same as punishment) and love. Giving a kid with ADHD a non-specific command like, "Clean this room!" is one of the worst things you can do. He needs to be TAUGHT how to behave and how to react. He can't learn that in your current setup. The schedule looks to be one that mainly benefits the adults in the family rather than this child.

Please make this a priority. It won't be easy because I suspect your wife has reasons for remaining so detached from the situation, and they're reasons she won't be eager to let go of.

But if you two don't get a grip on this now, imagine the chaos you'll be dealing with when he's 13.
I think it has gone well past "appear". Wife is getting violent.

Let's not sugarcoat, this needs to be addressed tomorrow. Contact the doctor, get some help in there, and the wife may need to get some anxiety meds for the time being.

This is could turn into a very tragic situation, not the time to be PC and not just say it.

I agree with what you're saying, but the opening paragraph that was the OP's second thread is disturbing.
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Old 05-11-2020, 10:27 PM
 
Location: colorado springs, CO
7,130 posts, read 3,159,143 times
Reputation: 20941
Actually yes, he does need someone with him at all times. Plus your home isn't safe for a child with his disability; you are lucky he didn't tie the cord to the blinds around one of his body parts.

I understand your frustration. I have a 16 year old severely autistic child who can't be left alone ever. Never. Not only that but he is 6 foot 5 inches tall and weighs 230lbs & developed puberty onset aggression & he is capable of lethal violence, so I have zero help because I don't want anyone to get hurt. Even so, my life during this lockdown is much less chaotic than yours because he IS my full time job. I have enjoyed having him out of school & safe at home with me.

We have been an one income household for 13 years due to this challenge. Somethings got to give here before he hurts himself & the answer is not to medicate him into submission. That is only going to make things worse in the long run.

(He is the youngest of 11 & 2 of his older brothers had ADHD & I have been down that road before. Horrible side effects & they are both med free for years now & very responsible young men)

The only solution is you & your wife's time and attention. Sorry, I know it's hard & that's not what you wanted to hear.
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Old 05-11-2020, 10:53 PM
 
Location: too far from the sea
21,766 posts, read 20,823,774 times
Reputation: 38311
I used to be a first grade teacher and when I first started out, there were not many labels or diagnoses handed out. A lot of kids that age can't handle being alone for hours at a time. Some can and they are the quiet type who will sit and read or watch something on a tablet. But more commonly, kids at that age have an attention span of about 15-20 minutes. We always changed lessons or topics every 15-20 minutes in class.

He doesn't sound that abnormal (or maybe it's from what I saw when teaching) and a lot of kids would be just as bad. He sounds angry though. Angry because (we don't know.) But your wife yelling at him and throwing things at him will only make him more angry.

You need some kind of intervention. These are hard times anyway but if only someone could play with him for a few hours. He sounds like he needs some physical activity to help him deal with the excess energy. Kids used to play outside--maybe play ball or some kind of physical activity. He doesn't sound like the quiet type of kid who will just sit there. Probably nothing wrong with that except that he isn't getting his needs met by being told to stay alone and be quiet. Not by getting yelled at either. He might do better if he could look forward to a couple of hours of outdoor activity every single day. To earn it, he needs to buckle down and do what is expected the rest of the time.

I hope there's a way someone can come over and play some sports with him or otherwise get him active and wear him out.
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Old 05-12-2020, 12:00 AM
 
14,089 posts, read 8,635,613 times
Reputation: 27857
Quote:
Originally Posted by eschaton View Post
She blew her top at him - I was a bit worried she was going to smack him - she was throwing toys at him and such. She made him clean up the entire playroom (I secretly helped, because it was way too messy for him to clean up before bedtime) then she sent him to bed with no blankets or stuffed animals as punishment.

You secretly helped? You need to stand up to your wife and be an advocate for your son. She threw toys at him?! Holy S... That is not okay. Hopefully these toys were stuffed animals and not anything hard that could cause serious physical harm.. Not that throwing anything is okay. It sounds like an extremely toxic environment for your son.


Quote:
To make it clear, it's not like I leave him totally by himself all day. The typical schedule is something like this:

7:15 - I wake him up, dress him, get him breakfast, have him take his Vyvanse.
8:15 - I send him to the playroom.
9:00 - I collect him for morning meeting (online conference call) with his teacher/class.
9:45 - I send him back to the playroom
11:00 - Second class of the day. Typically a 30-minute online session of Music/Art/Gym/Library
11:30 - Send him back to the playroom again:
12:00 - Head down for lunch
1:00 - We work on schoolwork:
2:00 - 5:00 largely unstructured time he spends in the playroom. I usually check in on him every 30 minutes or so.
5:00 - I start making dinner (I'm the cook in the household), and normal evening routine starts - which caps off with his going to bed by 8:00.

Really I think the afternoon block is where things often go awry, because it's the only large period of time he's left by himself. Otherwise he's just left alone for 30-45 minute blocks.
8:15-9:00 That's 45 minutes where he is alone
9:45-11 1 hour and 15 minutes he's alone
11:30 - noon is another 30 minutes
2-5 3 hours

So between 8 and 5, he is alone for 5.5 hours. Over half the day, he is on his own. That's a lot of time. And is someone with him all during his school work and lunch? Or is that just structured alone time? And where is he while you're making dinner at 5? Is that more time in the playroom, meaning it's more like 6+ hours he's just supposed to entertain himself in that room?

2 hours of school and 5.5 hours of alone time seem to be pretty unbalanced. Does he do well with his school work? Is he interested in anything? Art, gym, or library? I would try to at least find some more structures activities so he's not just in the playroom all day bored and getting into trouble.

Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
I am almost hoping this is made up thread by some bored teen stuck at home, but also afraid it's not as you have been on the board so long. Because being true is more frightening.
Yes, I had to stop reading and scroll up to the thread count thinking it would be a first time poster.

Quote:
Originally Posted by veuvegirl View Post
I can’t tell you how many meetings I am in and someone’s child is sitting in a lap or running in the background.
Yup, I've even had interviews where the person conducting the interview (over zoom) had a kid on their lap. It's part of the new normal while we're all at home.
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Old 05-12-2020, 12:09 AM
 
2,274 posts, read 1,325,763 times
Reputation: 2542
I would make the 10yr old sister watch him for the alone time...i can't believe no one else suggested this.
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Old 05-12-2020, 12:19 AM
 
3,473 posts, read 4,802,320 times
Reputation: 5540
A six year in no way shape or form should be left alone. He is 6. You need to change your schedule yesterday and take care of your son. Ask your boss if you can have family leave, get laid off, take a leave, or take vacation/sick time. Or just quit. But do something now. Whether he is ADD, ADHD or not, he should not be left alone at all. Your wife is not right about his needs or discipline. Do you have any extended family that could move in and help out? If you will be in financial straits get public assistance. Figure something out. Your children are more important than this.

The 10 year old should not be left alone most of the day either. Yes some alone time is fine but this is excessive for the adults benefit.

Children are not pets that can left in a room while you and your wife are busy.
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