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Old 05-12-2020, 06:47 PM
 
Location: Wilmington NC
5,923 posts, read 5,652,853 times
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I say this as a teacher and a parent of a child with ADD:

Your wife is throwing things at your son.

You are thinking of locking into an empty room.

You think that 'sending' him to a playroom is a relevant part of a structured schedule.

Please take some time off work, get back on the PCIT therapy, and put this child on some meds before you ruin him.
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Old 05-12-2020, 07:42 PM
DKM
 
Location: Thousand Oaks, CA
3,994 posts, read 1,450,004 times
Reputation: 3577
Give him an iPad with appropriate games and the Youtube Kids app while you work. I guarantee it will work. Or keep doing it the hard way.
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Old 05-12-2020, 08:13 PM
 
5,170 posts, read 4,462,029 times
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I am SO, SO sorry for all of you for what you are going through. This is horrible for all of you. Normal 6 yr old boys are very active, need a lot of vigorous physically active playtime. ADHD kids need much, much more. I hope you're not trapped in an apartment in a city, but even if you are, there are ways to cope.

Thank God your daughter is self-sufficient. I can understand how she wouldn't want to be saddled with watching him, or playing with him, but maybe you can get her to understand that Mom and Dad need help, and get her to take him outside for vigorous, physical playtime - running races, playing tag, just running around until they're both exhausted, every day. Deputize her, make her feel needed and important. It might only be a 15 minute session twice a day, but it would help.

Is there any way that you and your wife can split the days, so that one of you is with him much of the time? Is there any way that you can take him outside to play, each of you, separately, frequently, for vigorous physical activity? Even if you're trapped inside, there are ways to be physical. Jumping rope. Indoor nerf ball games. Indoor races. When Wuhan was on lockdown, people there posted indoor fun physically active games for kids and grownups, using what people had on hand. But they all involved an adult working with the young kids.

I would come up with a schedule with a LOT of extreme physical activity, one on one with each family member, separated by watching a video, or playing video games. You can incorporate age-appropriate math practice into the physical activity time, maybe you can find video games that are educational. But it's got to be something that holds his attention, so that he won't wander off to find something to destroy in his boredom and misery.

If you have a yard, get a good trampoline with a very good net that is inside the springs. He cannot use it unsupervised, but you could be out there on the internet, working, while he is jumping and flipping. ADHD kids can get themselves into a hypnotic trance of physical activity on a trampoline, jump and do flips for a long time, get themselves good and tired out. IF you don't have the ability to get him outside, you could buy an indoor small trampoline that has safety bars around it - I've seen these in special ed classrooms - and he could jump and jump on it. A jump rope would be a good idea, too. But he's got to be supervised through all of this. Left to his own devices, he will destroy things, and maybe hurt himself, too.
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Old 05-12-2020, 08:32 PM
 
Location: too far from the sea
21,748 posts, read 20,802,412 times
Reputation: 38230
Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
I am SO, SO sorry for all of you for what you are going through. This is horrible for all of you. Normal 6 yr old boys are very active, need a lot of vigorous physically active playtime. ADHD kids need much, much more. I hope you're not trapped in an apartment in a city, but even if you are, there are ways to cope.

Thank God your daughter is self-sufficient. I can understand how she wouldn't want to be saddled with watching him, or playing with him, but maybe you can get her to understand that Mom and Dad need help, and get her to take him outside for vigorous, physical playtime - running races, playing tag, just running around until they're both exhausted, every day. Deputize her, make her feel needed and important. It might only be a 15 minute session twice a day, but it would help.

Is there any way that you and your wife can split the days, so that one of you is with him much of the time? Is there any way that you can take him outside to play, each of you, separately, frequently, for vigorous physical activity? Even if you're trapped inside, there are ways to be physical. Jumping rope. Indoor nerf ball games. Indoor races. When Wuhan was on lockdown, people there posted indoor fun physically active games for kids and grownups, using what people had on hand. But they all involved an adult working with the young kids.

I would come up with a schedule with a LOT of extreme physical activity, one on one with each family member, separated by watching a video, or playing video games. You can incorporate age-appropriate math practice into the physical activity time, maybe you can find video games that are educational. But it's got to be something that holds his attention, so that he won't wander off to find something to destroy in his boredom and misery.

If you have a yard, get a good trampoline with a very good net that is inside the springs. He cannot use it unsupervised, but you could be out there on the internet, working, while he is jumping and flipping. ADHD kids can get themselves into a hypnotic trance of physical activity on a trampoline, jump and do flips for a long time, get themselves good and tired out. IF you don't have the ability to get him outside, you could buy an indoor small trampoline that has safety bars around it - I've seen these in special ed classrooms - and he could jump and jump on it. A jump rope would be a good idea, too. But he's got to be supervised through all of this. Left to his own devices, he will destroy things, and maybe hurt himself, too.
This. He needs physical activity, one on one time, and could be entertained by video games. Read the parts about physical activity again. He doesn't sound that abnormal but being yelled at or forced to stay by himself too long will ruin him. You're making him worse!

The wife needs help. Sounds like anxiety and perfection. If she won't get help, then maybe you can get some help in learning to stand up to her. Don't be afraid of her.
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Old 05-13-2020, 06:33 AM
 
Location: Pittsburgh, PA (Morningside)
12,944 posts, read 12,917,379 times
Reputation: 10911
I spent all day yesterday in the presence of my son, other than about 20 minutes in the morning when I asked his sister to watch him during a shower, and when I was cooking dinner. Most of the time was spent in the playroom with him, though we spent around 2.5 hours eating lunch/doing homework/going on a bike ride (the latter of which he insisted was his "gym homework"..

Quote:
Originally Posted by ultraviolet View Post
I think your wife needs to seek out mental help for herself. That is not normal, in any way, shape or form. Aside from the "throwing toys" at a 6 year old and doing nothing but yelling. If she also does not have ADHD I would be absolutely stunned.
My wife does not have ADHD. I'm the one who has it. She believes that she has obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, but has never actually been diagnosed. I know she was briefly on medication for depression before I was with her. I do not think she's depressed, but she absolutely has anxiety issues. She is perpetually high-strung/stressed, and a total perfectionist who believes that everyone else should do things in exactly the same manner that she does. One of the frequent sources of conflict in our marriage is when I do something instead of ever getting praise/appreciation she'll focus on one aspect of the task I did "wrong" and yell at me for it - which is a pretty strong incentive to not be proactive, because I get much angrier getting yelled at after trying to please her than getting yelled at for being legitimately lazy.

One of the issues I have dealing with conflict with her is she acts as if the smallest little thing is a slight against her. More recently we've both been getting showers at the same time (on different floors) and she began asking me to not jump in the shower immediately upon waking up so she could have some hot water. One morning I came downstairs and she was sitting there in her pajamas, drinking tea. I asked her if she was getting in the shower, and her response was something like "What the hell do you mean by that?" Which then led to a 1-2 minute fight, because she was sure that I was inferring something with my tone of voice, when I was just trying to see if she was getting in the shower because I didn't want to use up all the hot water.

I do not want you guys to think that it's perpetually like this though. There are good days and bad days. Obviously the lockdown is stressful on everyone though. The kids are even enjoying being around each other less. We all joke that at the end of this everyone will need separate vacations.

When my wife and I were in therapy together, the only way I got her to agree to it was by coaching it being about me being the one who had a problem and needed help. She never would have agreed if I had criticized her actions in any way. The closest thing to a breakthrough of self-realization from her was when she admitted she would not tolerate a relationship where the other person treated her the way she treated me. Even then, it was a constant struggle to get her to attend, since it was on Fridays (which she had off a the time) and she felt it was cutting into the time she was spending with our young daughter.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat Turd Collector View Post
Second, I know this won’t be a popular suggestion, but here goes: talk to his doctor about his medication and whether his dose should be temporarily adjusted, or perhaps switch medications for a while?
He has an appointment coming up, and we think we're going to ask them to adjust his dosage upward. He might have grown, or developed a tolerance. He used to never be hungry in the middle of the day, and now he does eat lunch (although he's not ravenous).
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Old 05-13-2020, 06:46 AM
 
2,272 posts, read 1,324,363 times
Reputation: 2541
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sundaydrive00 View Post
No sibling should be forced to watch the other one, no matter the age of either sibling. The child is the responsibility of the parents (who are home), not the other sibling.
And we wonder why our society is disintegrating right before our eyes.
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Old 05-13-2020, 07:58 AM
 
Location: Dallas TX
15,548 posts, read 22,908,687 times
Reputation: 23783
OP it sounds like a miserable life. Are you happy? Does she make you happy? I think you need serious self-reflection.
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Old 05-13-2020, 08:04 AM
 
4,026 posts, read 3,539,319 times
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I live in a state that is freeing up and allowing us to have more people over. I think if you have a neighborhood teen or tween who is kind of is socially distanced and has some free time, you might hire them to come over and hang out with your child. You don't necessarily need a babysitter. You need more of a mother's helper who can play and entertain while you are there.
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Old 05-13-2020, 08:04 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
48,383 posts, read 46,677,077 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eschaton View Post

She is perpetually high-strung/stressed, and a total perfectionist who believes that everyone else should do things in exactly the same manner that she does. One of the frequent sources of conflict in our marriage is when I do something instead of ever getting praise/appreciation she'll focus on one aspect of the task I did "wrong" and yell at me for it - which is a pretty strong incentive to not be proactive, because I get much angrier getting yelled at after trying to please her than getting yelled at for being legitimately lazy.

One of the issues I have dealing with conflict with her is she acts as if the smallest little thing is a slight against her. More recently we've both been getting showers at the same time (on different floors) and she began asking me to not jump in the shower immediately upon waking up so she could have some hot water. One morning I came downstairs and she was sitting there in her pajamas, drinking tea. I asked her if she was getting in the shower, and her response was something like "What the hell do you mean by that?" Which then led to a 1-2 minute fight, because she was sure that I was inferring something with my tone of voice, when I was just trying to see if she was getting in the shower because I didn't want to use up all the hot water.
I sincerely don't know how you live like this.

I'm familiar with this personality type, intimately, and I understand a lot of your wife's tendencies. I am pretty sure she snapped at you when you asked about the shower because she took it as an inference that she shouldn't be sitting there relaxing, but that she needed to get on with her day. It's textbook anxiety, but SEVERE.

Even so, this situation is so completely unfair that it's baffling that you have tolerated it this long.

Once when I was in therapy, my therapist asked me if I would rather be divorced or mentally ill, and I PAUSED. I actually had to think about it for a minute, and the look on his face was priceless. But it shows the extent to which people will remain in bad situations in order to keep from facing the difficult truth.

I'm not saying you should divorce. I'm just saying that I get it, and that you need to know this is NOT sustainable. At some point you need to face your wife and hold up a mirror for her. Because she won't respect you if you keep tip-toeing through life like this. And then you'll be 10 years more down the road wondering why you're two roommates in the house just struggling to keep up with the kids' schedules.

Quote:
Originally Posted by eschaton View Post

I do not want you guys to think that it's perpetually like this though. There are good days and bad days.
Well, yeah. The good days give you that temporary hope to forget the bad days.

But your "bad days" are inexcusable. Therapy for you should be a priority.
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Old 05-13-2020, 08:22 AM
 
2,502 posts, read 1,815,851 times
Reputation: 3360
can the kids stay up later at night so they sleep longer in morning. I know they have class in morning but they could wake up right before class. This way, you can shift the hours you spent with breakfast and waking up & move it to afternoon. As someone else mentioned, feed breakfast during class.


IS he watching shows he likes on TV or is he forced to share tv with his sister? He won't want to watch something not catered to him. Let him choose his show


What about afternoon nap? Yes all these day sleep/nap will make the kids stay up later in night but its the pandemic, forget schedule. When i was kid i remember sleeping all the time. if they get enough outdoor workout they will be tired out and sleepy. Do you have backyard for kids to play while you can be in laptop working/semi watching kids? Less toys in toy room might help with less distraction
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