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This. He needs physical activity, one on one time, and could be entertained by video games. Read the parts about physical activity again. He doesn't sound that abnormal but being yelled at or forced to stay by himself too long will ruin him. You're making him worse!
The wife needs help. Sounds like anxiety and perfection. If she won't get help, then maybe you can get some help in learning to stand up to her. Don't be afraid of her.
I have experienced exactly what you are going through.
Regardless of diagnosis...ADD, ADHD, Bi Polar, etc., the child is crying for attention.
In my case, the ONLY solution (the mother was into medications, counseling, psychological treatment, mental hospitalization, etc.--none of which did any good) was getting the child out of doors and pushing her to the limit. We hiked, we camped, and we skied until her legs fell off. She thrived on personal time (attention) and challenge. Rock walls and climbing out of doors were another interesting challenge.
Is it fair? Probably not. Is it difficult? Absolutely yes. It is the "cost" of having a child, who, for whatever reason, needs this attention in order to be livable. Forget what the books say or the doctors say. Do what works. And yes, I was called every name in the book for "giving in" to the child. Really? You show me what else works and I will gladly try it.
In the end, I was afraid she would kill herself, or end up in jail for killing someone else. It was that difficult. Smart kid, went off to a great college and nearly go thrown out (put on probation) for heinous behavior.
But we powered through....well, I did. Mother divorced me along the way.
Today? The girl graduated with a degree in biology, went to work at a biopharma company and has patents and several studies to her name.
And has just completed year three of medical school! Doing rotations and has several letters of recommendation to her credit. Works nights and weekends because she is that committed and interested. Perfect combination of active engagement (physical) and mental challenge.
Skis, does a LOT of back country exploration in VERY remote areas. Continues to have a PET (hint, hint) which she trained into a champion show dog. Volunteers, gives blood, and has a solid boy friend.
She will graduate next year and be an outstanding doctor and citizen.
It has taken almost thirty years. That is what you are in for OP. But you have to stay committed, and take the abuse from those around you who tell you that you are doing everything wrong (according to the books and the "professionals").
Or you can give up and waste the life of a very important person: Your child.
This is your life now. Not your job or your spouse. You job now is to save a child.
I would be looking for a way out, both immediately and then permanently. Your wife is toxic to all three of you.
Can you leave? Move in with your parents? A sibling? Take the kids and run.
You've said that she doesn't accept her role in how bad things are AND that she refuses therapy. Why, why, why are you condemning yourself and your kids to this life?
Put it this way, you are already doing everything - your own job, all the child rearing, cooking - what positive contribution is she making? And not just once in a while - every day as a functioning member of the family.
Divorce is hard. Your life, as you are describing it, sounds much harder.
A six year in no way shape or form should be left alone. He is 6. You need to change your schedule yesterday and take care of your son. Ask your boss if you can have family leave, get laid off, take a leave, or take vacation/sick time. Or just quit. But do something now. Whether he is ADD, ADHD or not, he should not be left alone at all. Your wife is not right about his needs or discipline. Do you have any extended family that could move in and help out? If you will be in financial straits get public assistance. Figure something out. Your children are more important than this.
The 10 year old should not be left alone most of the day either. Yes some alone time is fine but this is excessive for the adults benefit.
Children are not pets that can left in a room while you and your wife are busy.
I agree with the bolded.
He is a 6 yr old little boy. Boys are different than girls, and they're all about large muscle activity. I always call it "Getting their ya ya's out". They need to run, jump, climb, ride a bike, etc.
I was thinking, maybe you could move his lunch to 11:30, and then, at 12 (presumably your lunch hour?) You both go for a walk, or, get him a bike, and teach him to ride the bike...one on one with him. Or heck, throw a tire swing up over a tree branch, or a swing set...SOMETHING that he can physically burn off some energy.
And regarding cleaning the playroom...as you know and as you've said, he can't concentrate long enough to clean the whole playroom without some guidance along the way. What I used to do with my son was say something like "When you pick up all the red toys, and put them in the toy bin, we'll take a little break for a cookie, and then I want you to pick up all the blue toys." Etc.
"I spent all day yesterday in the presence of my son, other than about 20 minutes in the morning when I asked his sister to watch him during a shower, and when I was cooking dinner. Most of the time was spent in the playroom with him, though we spent around 2.5 hours eating lunch/doing homework/going on a bike ride (the latter of which he insisted was his "gym homework".."
Above is what you wrote about your day with him. Clearly, outdoor physical activity IS possible where you live. You need to get him outdoors RUNNING around, as much as possible. It is much less physically demanding to ride a bicycle, than to run. Compare rolling a heavy object on a dolly to carrying the heavy object the same distance. Before video games, kids spent the entire day rolling around on their bicycles - it's not very strenuous activity. Yes, of course you can go for a bike ride. But it's less physical activity than walking slowly through a museum, unless it's uphill both ways.
Take him outside to run. Run the neighborhood together, while you practice addition and subtraction. I used to make up silly problems according to my kids' interests, like, if you have ten bulldozers at the worksite, and three more arrive, how many bulldozers are there now? While you jog slowly, have him run 20 steps in front, and then double back, back and forth, to tire him out. Tease him about it, about how he's nowhere NEAR as fast as you, or about outrunning his old father, anything to make it a joke. Practice soccer dribbling and running for the ball and shooting a goal - and you fall down, and let him win. Practice catching/throwing a nerf football, and running for it - and he gets to the finish line most of the time, and sometimes you "tackle" him by catching him and tossing him into the air, then a hug. And if he only barely touches you while you're slowly running with the ball, you do an exaggerated pratfall. Get a whiffleball and bat, and practice batting, with him running bases - that way, he runs a LOT, you pretend to try to tag him out while you do physical comedy fumbling/losing the ball - maybe losing it down your shirt or pants, he makes a home run, you both celebrate (and he's run four times as many steps as you for each home run), and you're both happy and laughing. Anything, so that you're outdoors and he is RUNNING!
As for the issues with your wife - try to see it from her point, too. She's under tremendous stress, trying to keep her job and earn money for the family. She doesn't understand your son the way that you can - she wasn't like him, as a child. It sounds as if her job doesn't have the same flexibility that yours does - it sounds as if she has to be online, on phone, whatever, throughout the work day. You and she need to work together to keep everything going during this incredibly stressful time. Please ignore the recommendations to address the "issues" with your wife at this time. You don't decide to address couples issues during a crisis unless it's putting you in danger (although the throwing toys at the kid, unless they're stuffed animals, is bordering on that) - you wait until we can get out of our houses, and you go to marriage counseling together.
I don't know how severe coronavirus is where you are, but in some areas of the country, it's not so widespread. Is there another family in the area that is observing isolation, that has a happy, funny, ACTIVE teenage or college-aged son or daughter, whom you could pay to actively babysit your son for a few hours a day, with the understanding that they've got to be running the entire time to tire him out? If they're also observing isolation, it would not be much risk for either family, the teenager would have something to do for a few hours, and you would get both a break, and the kid would come home happy and tired. It would be well worth the say $10/hr you might pay for this, for maybe 2-5 every weekday.
As for the wife's throwing things - I suggest you write her a letter. That way there cannot be an immediate defensive response. Start with how much you love her, how important your family is to you. How much you appreciate her hard work to support the family. How difficult these times are. How challenging your son is. What you are going to try to do to make things easier for her and for him. And then, state succinctly that certain things are just unacceptable, and cannot happen again. No one will throw anything at anyone, and certainly no adults will ever throw anything. No one will scream at each other, and certainly not adults screaming at children. Conclude with a reaffirmation of your love for her, your support of her, your appreciation of her. Leave it where she will find it right after work, but not where your daughter will find it, so that your wife will read it when she has a chance to digest it.
I guarantee you that the more hours spent playfully physically exhausting your ADHD son, the happier he will be, and the more smoothly the household will run. PLEASE, leave fixing your marriage until after this is all over. There were reasons that you loved this woman and wanted to marry her and be with her before these stresses hit, and she's still that person. She's trying, by trying to support the family financially. It's not like you're gonna be able to separate right now during the pandemic anyhow - and then what? Are you gonna leave with your son and single parent him while you try to work, and support two households? Speaking of two households, ARE THERE GRANDPARENTS? If you have young, energetic, playful grands who love him, who would understand him, and keep him busy, could you send him to the grands for a long visit? If you've been on strict isolation, it should be safe. I knew a woman who pulled her ADHD/smart/quirky grandson out of first grade, and home-schooled him for the year, because being square peg pounded into a round hole was destroying him. It worked out very well for the boy - he went back to school when he was a little older, better able to sit at a desk. She did it out of pure love of him, just had him as her little shadow for that year, until summer vacation day camp began. If you guys had a grandparent who would take him for now, it would give you all a break.
I have experienced exactly what you are going through.
Regardless of diagnosis...ADD, ADHD, Bi Polar, etc., the child is crying for attention.
In my case, the ONLY solution (the mother was into medications, counseling, psychological treatment, mental hospitalization, etc.--none of which did any good) was getting the child out of doors and pushing her to the limit. We hiked, we camped, and we skied until her legs fell off. She thrived on personal time (attention) and challenge. Rock walls and climbing out of doors were another interesting challenge.
Is it fair? Probably not. Is it difficult? Absolutely yes. It is the "cost" of having a child, who, for whatever reason, needs this attention in order to be livable. Forget what the books say or the doctors say. Do what works. And yes, I was called every name in the book for "giving in" to the child. Really? You show me what else works and I will gladly try it.
In the end, I was afraid she would kill herself, or end up in jail for killing someone else. It was that difficult. Smart kid, went off to a great college and nearly go thrown out (put on probation) for heinous behavior.
But we powered through....well, I did. Mother divorced me along the way.
Today? The girl graduated with a degree in biology, went to work at a biopharma company and has patents and several studies to her name.
And has just completed year three of medical school! Doing rotations and has several letters of recommendation to her credit. Works nights and weekends because she is that committed and interested. Perfect combination of active engagement (physical) and mental challenge.
Skis, does a LOT of back country exploration in VERY remote areas. Continues to have a PET (hint, hint) which she trained into a champion show dog. Volunteers, gives blood, and has a solid boy friend.
She will graduate next year and be an outstanding doctor and citizen.
It has taken almost thirty years. That is what you are in for OP. But you have to stay committed, and take the abuse from those around you who tell you that you are doing everything wrong (according to the books and the "professionals").
Or you can give up and waste the life of a very important person: Your child.
This is your life now. Not your job or your spouse. You job now is to save a child.
YES!!!! This is exactly what I'm talking about. Sure, you cannot run off for intense wilderness hiking and skiing with the kid right now, but you CAN get him outside for hours and hours of intense physical activity - playful, happy, funny activity, with him running many more steps than you. Even if it's "I don't think you can run to the stop sign and back in less than 20 seconds. Do you? I'll start the timer... OMG! You did it! Now let's try for 19 seconds. You're going to be the fastest kid in the school next year. I bet you're gonna win fastest runner in the town meet next year."
And doing this for the son doesn't mean you have to wind up divorced. You could ALL come out all right on the other end of this. But for now, running this kid for hours of happy playtime with you every day will immensely improve your lives.
Are there any chemicals in his food that might be triggering some of this behavior? It would be worth a try. Try for about 4 or 5 days. It's simple and sometimes effective. Just focus on absolutely no artificial colors & flavors. I get flamed for suggesting this but I've had great results with my own child.
He recognizes his own crazy behavior. If the food you feed him contributes, he will gladly stay on the diet. I already know he's brilliant.
No sibling should be forced to watch the other one, no matter the age of either sibling. The child is the responsibility of the parents (who are home), not the other sibling.
Where is this written?
Families are social constructs - they can be organized in many ways.
In the past, children did raise their siblings - the family was structured for survival - so if the parents couldn't be there, a bigger brother or sister helped out.
Who are you to determine that only the parents should actively participate in a functioning family?
This is but one reason why there are so many entitled kids who don't know how to do anything - because they have been coddled and made to feel that they are princes or princesses - when in fact, they are just people who are in units, all trying to survive.
6 is tough with ADD. But looking back, you have it easy. Imagine working at home with them when they are teenagers.
The new normal? not a chance for some families.
Wouldn't want to be the wife's coworker right about now. Her energy during the Zoom meetings is probably bad. I can always tell when something's going on at home with a colleague as they bring "it" to work with them. However, in this "new normal" we have to be more sensitive about these things. This sounds extremely stressful for everyone in the OP's house. I hope it gets figured out soon.
Oh please, we are talking about a few hours a day so the parents can work and earn money for the family. This isn't some hard labor 24 hour boot camp. How old would she have to be in your mind for this to be reasonable? If she's 11 or 12 it's a no brainer. Ten may be a bit too young but in a pinch for stretches I think it's reasonable.
OP already stated early on that she doesn't want to be bothered with him. This is for the parents to figure out and not bring the 10 y.o into it.
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