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Old 05-14-2020, 10:43 AM
Location: Wisconsin
18,471 posts, read 19,234,244 times
Reputation: 46337


Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
Being yelled at by a pissed off parent is a consequence of destroying someone's cherished item. He had no right to do that.
Originally Posted by Sundaydrive00 View Post
No, he shouldn't have done that. But again, he's a child. There is no excuse for an adult to THROW items at a child. The mother should be able to control her emotions and not take her anger out on a small child.
IMHO, if an adult has a cherished item (especially a cherished item that is breakable) they should never store it in their children's playroom. If Mom wanted to save that piece of art she should have put it up on the wall in the living room or the master bedroom or stored it on a high shelf in the master bedroom closet (or somewhere else that is safe).

Sheesh. Who keeps a cherished, breakable item in a child's playroom and then leaves the young child, especially a child with ADHD, unsupervised for hours at a time in that playroom?
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Old 05-14-2020, 11:24 AM
16,600 posts, read 18,975,319 times
Reputation: 16549
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
So judgmental.

I'd be pissed too if the kid destroyed my cherished item.

OP: Is there anyone else in your extended family who could take him for awhile?
Being pissed is one thing. Throwing toys at a 6 year old because you are pissed is another. His wife is immature and should probably not have had children if she behaves the way she has been described. She yells at her husband too and blames him for things *she* does. This is not right.
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Old 05-14-2020, 12:03 PM
5,328 posts, read 4,664,113 times
Reputation: 11656
You & your wife should seek counseling on how to be decent parents.

You should consider hiring someone to spend the day with him doing activities, since you are not going to. These people are typically called nannies.
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Old 05-14-2020, 02:46 PM
12,392 posts, read 9,463,569 times
Reputation: 22851
if you've ever had an ADD child you would understand how you can absolutely love your child and still dislike him immensely because of his behavior. I know that doesn't sound normal. But that's the fact of the matter. you can recognize it in parents everywhere. You just lose total patience with these kids. It's not the kids fault. And it's a Herculean job for a parent to know how to deal with a child who absolutely acts like they are on some psychotic drug. I get it. Believe me I get it.
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Old 05-14-2020, 02:57 PM
10,993 posts, read 9,165,808 times
Reputation: 20225
How much time do your children spend outside? Do they have backyard access to a swing set, a climbable tree, or other simple play equipment? Do they have bikes or scooters or other similar vehicles? Are they stuck in the playroom most of the time? Does your family go for walks regularly. even if it's just up and down the street? Do your son and daughter have friends they can't see now, and if so, are they encouraged to talk to them on the phone, send them letters and pictures, or Zoom or Skype with them?

Is there a baby monitor camera in the playroom, so you can spot issues before they escalate?

It must have taken quite a while for your son to tear up everything, mix up the puzzles, tie his toys to the window-shade strings, etc. Why was he alone for this long, when it's clear he needs more engaging activities and more adult supervision and direction? Maybe having him sit at the kitchen table for school-related activities would help keep things on track without the distractions of the playroom - he'd also feel and would be less isolated from his parents.

Some children need to be shown how toys work and how to play with them. Just providing toys is not sufficient. Do you ever engage in imaginative play with your son? Give it a try and you should learn a lot more about how he sees things and operates.

I also wonder if your son has inherited some of his problem behaviors from his mother. He sounds desperately frustrated and is punished when he acts out (I agree acting out needs to stop, but it's code for something else going on that he can't easily verbalize). So give the things I suggested a fair try and if it's still awful, call his pediatrician. This can't continue and it's not good for anyone in your family. So start making some productive, positive changes.

It sounds as if there's plenty of frustration and dysfunction to go around in your house right now, and it may take someone with an unbiased view to sort it all out and suggest ways of avoiding and combatting it.

As for the tearing up his mother's inadequately hidden treasure episode, it's clear his mother really lost it. No, of course he shouldn't have torn up the artwork, but who denies a six year old child warm blankets on his bed on a cold night as punishment?? And how vindictive and cruel to take his stuffed toys - bedtime companions - away. This is sheer petty meanness that barely skirts both physical and emotional child abuse. Why didn't you stop her, or at least see to it that your child was warmly covered when he went to bed? Believe me, he will long remember being cold and deprived of his comforting toys - and that his mother did this to him, and his father let it happen. No child deserves that, no matter what they may have done.

I'd encourage you to add lots more outdoor exercise and spent more good times with your son, where you don't have to be either teacher or disciplinarian, just his caring daddy.

Also try to spend some solo time with your daughter, who sounds very isolated and overlooked due to her brother's behavior. As others here have noted, no doubt she is watching and learning from what she sees, and is turning to her inner resources, such as they are at ten, to protect herself from all the dysfunction around her. Take her for solo walks, stop for ice cream when you can, and listen non-judgmentally to what she has to say, if you can get her to open up at all.

Last edited by CraigCreek; 05-14-2020 at 03:52 PM..
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Old 05-14-2020, 03:03 PM
10,993 posts, read 9,165,808 times
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Originally Posted by dysgenic View Post
I would make the 10yr old sister watch him for the alone time...i can't believe no one else suggested this.
Nope, she needs to be a little girl and a big sister, not the quasi/substitute-parent of a difficult, angry child at age ten.
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Old 05-14-2020, 04:28 PM
5,328 posts, read 4,664,113 times
Reputation: 11656
I didn't see that part about your son put to bed without blankets as punishment. What The Hell? You are complicit in this behavior. It is abuse.
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Old 05-14-2020, 04:42 PM
13,472 posts, read 21,851,424 times
Reputation: 36979
I see a family in turmoil, but these are turbulent times. Mom and Dad need help, not a divorce. And for certain the children don't need any more upheaval in their lives.

Hire that help OP. You all need a break, not a breakup.
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Old 05-14-2020, 05:21 PM
2,001 posts, read 578,465 times
Reputation: 1536
These are turbulent times for sure. I’ve seen a lot of people complaining about situations and also lots of people saying oh welp I guess they shouldn’t have had kids. I do think sometimes people don’t realize how involved having kids really is. Your life is no longer your own and the better parents are the ones who are Involved with their kids. I think it’s unfair to criticize parents at this moment and say they shouldn’t have had kids. Many people had kids with the dependency of relying on help. Right now there is no help. Parents are trying to keep their income while working from home and have multiple kids they need to teach. No one planned for this. Maybe some people are wondering why they had kids more than ever now. But being cruel to them isn’t the answer.
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Old 05-14-2020, 05:34 PM
102 posts, read 29,555 times
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Originally Posted by Praline View Post
Two words: the wife. You are sacrificing the well being of your children in order to placate your wife. That is no different than a woman allowing a man to verbally and/or physically abuse her and staying with him supposedly for the sake of the children. Hire a good, experienced nanny and seek marriage counseling if you want to stay with your wife. Is it that she makes way more money than you do and you are afraid of a different lifestyle or having to raise your children alone? Guess what, many women have had to make those hard choices and are better off for it.

You sound like a basically decent, intelligent person but not living up to your full potential as a mature man. Being a real man or a real woman isn't easy, but you have two innocent children who depend on you and would like to look up to you. Make some real changes for their sakes, put yourself in their shoes. Start trying to assert yourself and take an adult stand with your wife. Spend more time with your children because they need you and you want to, not because you have to. Your son desperately needs you. Since the whole family is housebound, now is the time to turn things arounds.
Or maybe he thinks the family court will give custody to his wife (and he'll lose access to his kids) even though she is the abuser?
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