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Old 06-04-2020, 03:32 AM
 
8,897 posts, read 4,767,714 times
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Some key points left out of the OP. Where does the son live; if with his parents does he pay rent? If he drives a car, whose car is it, who bought it, who insures it, who maintains it and buys the gas? Who buys his food? Who bought his phone and pays the monthly bill? Where does he get his entertainment money? Who is expected to pay for the trip back to see friends? Has he ever had even a part time or summer job? Does he have one now while waiting for the "real Job" to come through?

I believe I probably know the answer to most of these questions and why such pertinent information was not included in the OP.
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Old 06-04-2020, 03:33 AM
 
Location: MD, CA, TX
165 posts, read 32,170 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wac_432 View Post
Is he living with you rent free?

Haha, at 22, I like to think I'd be kicking my son out the door with both feet. He'd have to couchsurf or otherwise pay his own way, which it sounds like your son is doing.

I see too many man-children in my neighborhood who either live with their parents, live in an attached apartment, or otherwise failed to launch. That's my nightmare.

I mean, temporary, if the guy is saving up for a down payment on rent or a house or something, sure. Though I sure hope he doesn't settle in our podunk town before he goes out and experiences the world. But even in that case I'd want him TF out of my hair as much as possible. YES! Go visit your friends! Take your **** with you! Don't come back!

I couldn't wait to get out on my own when I was 18, and I hope my son is the same way.
Why are you so set to just kick them out? I don't understand the Americans are so obsessed with kids leaving at a certain age. Many cultures, the son or daughter stay home until they are married. I personally did not leave home until I was in my late 20s.
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Old 06-04-2020, 05:34 AM
 
13,488 posts, read 21,915,180 times
Reputation: 37034
Quote:
Originally Posted by kokonutty View Post
Some key points left out of the OP. Where does the son live; if with his parents does he pay rent? If he drives a car, whose car is it, who bought it, who insures it, who maintains it and buys the gas? Who buys his food? Who bought his phone and pays the monthly bill? Where does he get his entertainment money? Who is expected to pay for the trip back to see friends? Has he ever had even a part time or summer job? Does he have one now while waiting for the "real Job" to come through?

I believe I probably know the answer to most of these questions and why such pertinent information was not included in the OP.
The OP said her son worked while in school, paid some of his expenses, and has a great job offer, presumably on hold until businesses fully reopen (?).

We paid for cars, phones, room and board for our own kids until they began working their post-college jobs, many parents do. But I don't know of any parent who thinks that gives them complete control over an adult child.
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Old 06-04-2020, 07:19 AM
 
Location: Winterpeg
1,078 posts, read 448,698 times
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My 25 year old daughter ended up back with us a few months ago, "for a couple of weeks", due to a roommate situation, then COVID happened. She's not amused with the situation, but we're fine with it. Parents are here to help, is our motto.

We're not charging her, because she's saving up now that she's back at work (was laid off for 6 weeks). She can come and go as she pleases, does her own laundry and whatnot. We only ask that she do some chores when we ask. I view her as a good roommate at this point.

It's actually funny - occasionally she asks us for permission to do something minor and my husband and I look at each other puzzled and remind her she's an adult. lol It's like she slips back into teenage-hood for a second sometimes.
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Old 06-04-2020, 08:03 AM
 
Location: Frisco, TX
1,818 posts, read 877,683 times
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I think parenting young adult/college-aged students is one of the most varied life stages you’ll see. There are some kids who are fully independent and are working and are paying their own way. On the other hand, you have parents who are killing the registrar office inquiring about their children's age.

Although you alone know your kid, I think you need to find a happy medium where you ask how the job hunt progress is where you try to seem curious and not pushy. I know that oftentimes when children are in college, parents are thinking about retirement and that they’re in a hurry to get them fully independent, so it is delicate.
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Old 06-04-2020, 11:53 AM
 
1,759 posts, read 1,066,798 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeepgrl84 View Post
Why are you so set to just kick them out? I don't understand the Americans are so obsessed with kids leaving at a certain age. Many cultures, the son or daughter stay home until they are married. I personally did not leave home until I was in my late 20s.
I know. My wife's culture is one of them. We both agree that it is a deficiency of her culture, which we generally agree is superior to mine in many [most] other aspects. We blend the best aspects of both our cultures and discard the deficiencies. Staying at home until later in life has been a source of unhappiness for some of her relatives.

We live in a podunk town with very few opportunities. It's a nice place to raise kids, and my job is good. However, I moved here to do just that: raise kids with a stable job and surf at work. But this is no place for young adults to sit an atrophy without ever experiencing life out in the wide wide world.

My wife and I both left home and sought our fortunes in big cities. She even learned a new language and immigrated to an entirely different country. That's brave. That's seizing life and living it to the fullest. I want the same for my kids.

On the flip side, I have two neighbors who are similar to me, but older. They had kids who went nowhere, no plan, lived at home in our comfortable little beach town. One still lives in a little apartment attached to his daddy's home. The other is dead of a drug overdose. His fancy lifted truck has been sitting, decaying, in the driveway next door for many sad years. I don't think his father has the heart to sell or even touch it.

Furthermore, my childhood friends also mostly left my (also podunk) hometown. We rarely catch up, but when we do, those who left home seem to lead happier, more fulfilled lives. Those who stayed generally seem less happy.

I'm not saying everyone has to conform to the idea of leaving home as soon as possible to be happy, but I am teaching my kids not to be afraid to get outside of their comfort zone. I want them to be anxious to leave the nest and go make their own life. Of course the resources of home and family will be available to them, but they need to at least try spreading their wings and flying. Possibly with a "helpful" foot on their backside to provide the initial impetus.

Also, we have our own lives. Our kids are great, we love them, and they're amazing people. But we're not so wrapped up in them that we want to stay housemates with them once they grow up.
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Old 06-04-2020, 12:52 PM
 
2,800 posts, read 2,169,396 times
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Your hubbie is a man. He was once 22. He probably remembers what a "young buck" does at that age. He sounds like he's tightly wound, too. (usually it's the muthuh that is tightly wound, but I guess that varies).


He's concerned about this trivial issue, possibly because of something that happened to him when he was about 22. Why don't you ask him? Tightly wound people are often that way because of a past experience.


Let the kid have fun. Just make sure he knows what penicillin and cootie medicine is.
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Old 06-04-2020, 01:23 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
26,458 posts, read 17,072,963 times
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My DH had problems with feeling that our adult children were making bad choices when they went out on their own. I think he foresaw different futures for them. He expressed frustration to me on several occasions about his feelings. A woman I knew told me the same about her husband. It is partly about control, and partly about coming to an understanding that our kids do not make the same choices we might make.

Having him verbalize his feelings helps, because then he can see them as not being logical.

Parents have to grow and change when their kids become adults, IMO.
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Old 06-04-2020, 01:47 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
84,429 posts, read 77,596,360 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NC~Mom View Post
It sounds like your husband has control issues. Son needs to sit him down and explain that their relationship has changed. Now is the time when hubby can chill out and be his son's friend, not his keeper.
My grown kids would have never let me get away with that. lol.
Or maybe the OP can site her husband down, and explain, that it's time for both of them to shift gears, now that their son is an adult, and change the way they relate to him. It can be hard for some parents to shift to more of a relationship between equals, when they've spent 21-22 years guiding, supporting, assisting, and disciplining. A new life stage is beginning, for everyone involved. That can require a major adjustment.

It does sound odd, though, OP, that your husband doesn't want your son to see his friends and girlfriend. Does he disapprove of the friends, or something? Presumably everyone's graduated together, or are they still in school? What harm could there be in visiting friends for a couple of weeks? Especially before starting an overseas job, where he won't be able to visit for possibly a whole year, unless he comes home for Xmas?
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Old 06-04-2020, 04:23 PM
 
8,897 posts, read 4,767,714 times
Reputation: 19089
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
The OP said her son worked while in school, paid some of his expenses, and has a great job offer, presumably on hold until businesses fully reopen (?).

We paid for cars, phones, room and board for our own kids until they began working their post-college jobs, many parents do. But I don't know of any parent who thinks that gives them complete control over an adult child.
Is any job now a "great job?" There was no such qualifier in the OP's statement, only that it was in a different country and is not happening now due to processing delays. We have no idea of the type of job, the compensation or path beyond. At best it is a "bird in the bush." This is certainly a time of change, not guarantees. What becomes of the job is yet to be seen.

My questions are legitimate and the answers would be very important in providing an informed opinion of the current situation and proposed "vacation."
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