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Old 06-04-2020, 05:14 PM
 
13,488 posts, read 21,915,180 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kokonutty View Post
Is any job now a "great job?" There was no such qualifier in the OP's statement, only that it was in a different country and is not happening now due to processing delays. We have no idea of the type of job, the compensation or path beyond. At best it is a "bird in the bush." This is certainly a time of change, not guarantees. What becomes of the job is yet to be seen.

My questions are legitimate and the answers would be very important in providing an informed opinion of the current situation and proposed "vacation."
Why in the world should we be privy to the job details? The OP is satisfied with her son's future prospects, and nowhere has she indicated this trip to see his girlfriend takes money away from other expenses. The issue is whether or not a parent should still control the lives of their adult offspring. I say no, even if that offspring is temporarily residing at home through circumstances beyond their control. Dad needs to back off.
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Old 06-04-2020, 05:14 PM
 
Location: Central, NJ
2,506 posts, read 5,277,135 times
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Is it possible he's having trouble letting go? I know a couple where the husband worked so much when his kids were growing that he missed out on a lot. It hit him really hard when the kids went to college and moved on. Much harder even than it hit his wife, who had been a stay at home mom.
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Old 06-04-2020, 05:26 PM
 
1,445 posts, read 423,304 times
Reputation: 3601
Quote:
Originally Posted by kokonutty View Post
Is any job now a "great job?" There was no such qualifier in the OP's statement, only that it was in a different country and is not happening now due to processing delays. We have no idea of the type of job, the compensation or path beyond. At best it is a "bird in the bush." This is certainly a time of change, not guarantees. What becomes of the job is yet to be seen.

My questions are legitimate and the answers would be very important in providing an informed opinion of the current situation and proposed "vacation."
Meh, not really. Any financial support a parent provides to an adult child should be seen as a gift with no strings or attempted controls attached.
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Old 06-04-2020, 09:00 PM
 
8,893 posts, read 4,767,714 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
Why in the world should we be privy to the job details? The OP is satisfied with her son's future prospects, and nowhere has she indicated this trip to see his girlfriend takes money away from other expenses. The issue is whether or not a parent should still control the lives of their adult offspring. I say no, even if that offspring is temporarily residing at home through circumstances beyond their control. Dad needs to back off.
Why in the world should we call it a "great job" when we don't know anything about the job details other than it's in a different country?

Why should Dad "back off' if he is expected to finance everything? Maybe the 22 year old kid should hold off on vacations until he can pay for them himself?
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Old 06-05-2020, 07:36 AM
 
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Dad knows his son will soon be gone on his own and from that point on he will see his son very little. He wants these last few weeks with his son. That couple of week vacation? His son has plenty of years ahead for things like that. But how many more times will they have together?

And the other thing he knows, from being 22 himself. One day dad will not be there and as a son, he'll regret all those times he could have spent with dad and didn't.

Dad knows.
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Old 06-05-2020, 01:59 PM
KB4 KB4 started this thread
 
Location: New York
547 posts, read 1,188,517 times
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Well... seems that my husband is coming around and doesn't oppose the trip so much any more. In any case, he prefers it to the idea of having the girlfriend here for a week (she will have some time off from her work). I had a little talk with him and I feel like he's just concerned about the son getting distracted. He wants to see a plan, when is he going, when is he coming back, is he staying in touch with his future employer. We all really want this job to work out. And yes, it is a good job, just the country is currently not accepting visa applications. In fact, my son worked with them last summer, so, yes, he has had summer jobs, as well as working through college, even if I still cover most of his expenses. But we do not think this gives us the right to control every aspect of his life. For example, if I pay his rent, I would say that I have the right to tell him to have roommates instead of renting an expensive place by himself, but not decide on unrelated matters. Now if he were a 30-year-old still living at home and refusing to look for a job, it would be a different matter but we are not in this situation. It is interesting to see the different approaches to parenting. A lot seems to come from our childhood and some of us want to be like our parents, and others not.
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Old 06-05-2020, 03:25 PM
 
13,488 posts, read 21,915,180 times
Reputation: 37034
Quote:
Originally Posted by kokonutty View Post
Why in the world should we call it a "great job" when we don't know anything about the job details other than it's in a different country?

Why should Dad "back off' if he is expected to finance everything? Maybe the 22 year old kid should hold off on vacations until he can pay for them himself?
Call it whatever you want, mom is happy with his future employment prospects. Who said the son isn't paying for his trip?

I've raised three sons, I would be appalled if my husband tried to keep them under his thumb once they graduated college. Fortunately, he's far more reasonable than that.
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Old 06-06-2020, 12:23 AM
 
8,893 posts, read 4,767,714 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
Call it whatever you want, mom is happy with his future employment prospects. Who said the son isn't paying for his trip?

I've raised three sons, I would be appalled if my husband tried to keep them under his thumb once they graduated college. Fortunately, he's far more reasonable than that.
Fine, for you. Do you still pay all the expenses for your three sons? There appears to be nothing confirmed about the job, no plan. The son in question here apparently has no source of income other than his parents; how would he pay for this trip?
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Old 06-06-2020, 12:51 AM
 
Location: Scottsdale
1,555 posts, read 783,779 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KB4 View Post
How much do you parent your young adult kids who are no longer teenagers? My husband and I sometimes get into arguments because he still expects our son to do what he’s told, despite the fact that he’s 22 years old and just graduated from college. I just think it’s unrealistic to “control” a grown-up. Yes, he’s not yet fully independent but he’s been working while studying and paying for part of his expenses. He’s about to start a full time job abroad in a month or two – the COVID-19 situation has caused a slight delay in the processing of permits.

The latest disagreement happened because the son just told us that he would like to go back to college town for a couple of weeks to spend time with his friends and his girlfriend. My husband is really upset about it but unable to explain why. He just says he doesn’t want the son to hang around doing nothing. But it’s not like he’s doing much here apart from helping with the chores and dog walking. I feel like my husband still sees the son as a little kid who can be told to eat his vegetables, not to play with Johnny, and to go to bed at 8pm. He’s a good kid, graduated with honors, has a great job offer, his friends are hard-working and well-behaved. If he was doing something bad, I would see the need to “rein him in” but I think that arguing about harmless things is not good for our relationship. (To a certain degree I also think that people should be allowed to make their own mistakes - and to learn from them.) This disagreement is not the only example, there have been other cases.
I hope the dad "cools off" and recognizes the adult status of the young son. My mom did that when I was in my 20s, and I didn't talk to her for about 12 years after moving out of state. She was verbally abusive and criticized everything I did even though I earned a fellowship which was very hard to do. So, I just disappeared, and we are estranged to this day. The dad over there would be advised to mellow out.
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Old 06-06-2020, 09:56 AM
 
1,445 posts, read 423,304 times
Reputation: 3601
Quote:
Originally Posted by kokonutty View Post
Fine, for you. Do you still pay all the expenses for your three sons? There appears to be nothing confirmed about the job, no plan. The son in question here apparently has no source of income other than his parents; how would he pay for this trip?
Well from the OP: "Yes, he’s not yet fully independent but he’s been working while studying and paying for part of his expenses."

So, no, not paying "all" the expenses. But, again, that doesn't matter. If an adult parent chooses to help whether that be some or all of expenses, that should be treated as a gift not as a means to control the adult child's behavior.
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