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Old 06-06-2020, 04:37 PM
 
8,893 posts, read 4,767,714 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by djsuperfly View Post
Well from the OP: "Yes, he’s not yet fully independent but he’s been working while studying and paying for part of his expenses."

So, no, not paying "all" the expenses. But, again, that doesn't matter. If an adult parent chooses to help whether that be some or all of expenses, that should be treated as a gift not as a means to control the adult child's behavior.
The entire premise of the thread is that one parent "chooses to help" and the other does not. Whether or not it is appropriate for an adult to assume responsibility for his own life is the question.
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Old 06-06-2020, 08:28 PM
KB4 KB4 started this thread
 
Location: New York
547 posts, read 1,188,517 times
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No, the question was not how much money should parents give to adult children, the question was, should parents be making decisions for adult children. Clearly some people think there should be a link, and others disagree.

I don't get the obsession with arguing that my son doesn't have a job offer, not planning to share the offer letter with you.
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Old 06-06-2020, 10:38 PM
 
8,893 posts, read 4,767,714 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KB4 View Post
No, the question was not how much money should parents give to adult children, the question was, should parents be making decisions for adult children. Clearly some people think there should be a link, and others disagree.

I don't get the obsession with arguing that my son doesn't have a job offer, not planning to share the offer letter with you.
Your husband seems to have concerns about the viability of the "job offer."
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Old 06-07-2020, 07:59 AM
KB4 KB4 started this thread
 
Location: New York
547 posts, read 1,188,517 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kokonutty View Post
Your husband seems to have concerns about the viability of the "job offer."
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Old 06-07-2020, 09:14 AM
 
1,445 posts, read 422,347 times
Reputation: 3601
Quote:
Originally Posted by kokonutty View Post
The entire premise of the thread is that one parent "chooses to help" and the other does not. Whether or not it is appropriate for an adult to assume responsibility for his own life is the question.
Well, no that's not really the premise. The father isn't "choosing not to help." He's potentially using the fact that he is/has been helping as a control mechanism.

As for the second part: C'mon. He's a college-age kid. It's not like it's some crazy notion to think that parents might help those kids financially for a whole slew of different reasons. And, there's also nothing wrong with the parenting notion of "Hey, he's an adult, time to take on full financial responsibility of his own life."

But those are the two options:
1) Force him to be financially independent and get no say over how he lives his life, or
2) Give him some financial help (at a time that many parents do), but still have no control over how he lives his adult life.
Trying to use financial gifts as a control mechanism isn't going to engender a great relationship going forward.

Also, as a caveat, the idea that he should be out there as a fully-functioning, financially independent adult right now is a bit difficult due to the current constraints of the labor market. Tons of kids his age that have that financial independence do so through the hospitality sector, which has obviously be hit hard at this time. And even in sectors that haven't seen those kinds of job losses, not a whole bunch of new hiring going on either.

Dang man, young man just wants to see his GF.
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Old 06-07-2020, 10:16 AM
 
5,362 posts, read 4,704,585 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KB4 View Post
No, the question was not how much money should parents give to adult children, the question was, should parents be making decisions for adult children. Clearly some people think there should be a link, and others disagree.

I don't get the obsession with arguing that my son doesn't have a job offer, not planning to share the offer letter with you.
I read it as your husband didn't want his son to get "distracted" by his girlfriend & either not take the overseas job or decide to get married or both.
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Old 06-08-2020, 12:43 AM
 
8,893 posts, read 4,767,714 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by djsuperfly View Post
Well, no that's not really the premise. The father isn't "choosing not to help." He's potentially using the fact that he is/has been helping as a control mechanism.

As for the second part: C'mon. He's a college-age kid. It's not like it's some crazy notion to think that parents might help those kids financially for a whole slew of different reasons. And, there's also nothing wrong with the parenting notion of "Hey, he's an adult, time to take on full financial responsibility of his own life."

But those are the two options:
1) Force him to be financially independent and get no say over how he lives his life, or
2) Give him some financial help (at a time that many parents do), but still have no control over how he lives his adult life.
Trying to use financial gifts as a control mechanism isn't going to engender a great relationship going forward.

Also, as a caveat, the idea that he should be out there as a fully-functioning, financially independent adult right now is a bit difficult due to the current constraints of the labor market. Tons of kids his age that have that financial independence do so through the hospitality sector, which has obviously be hit hard at this time. And even in sectors that haven't seen those kinds of job losses, not a whole bunch of new hiring going on either.

Dang man, young man just wants to see his GF.
Don't tell me what "chooses to help" means here, those are the words you used which is why they were in quotes. Who are you to decide the father is using a control mechanism when you don't know the situation?

According to the OP, the father doesn't even know if the son is staying in contact with his supposed employer. What kind of control is that?

Conjuring up hypothetical situations may be something you care to do but I won't entertain them here.
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Old 06-08-2020, 12:47 AM
 
8,893 posts, read 4,767,714 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KB4 View Post
Your words: "He wants to see a plan, when is he going, when is he coming back, is he staying in touch with his future employer. We all really want this job to work out."

Smacking your head won't help. Perhaps you'd be better able to get your point across in words rather than cartoons.
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Old 06-11-2020, 09:16 AM
 
1,445 posts, read 422,347 times
Reputation: 3601
Quote:
Originally Posted by kokonutty View Post
Don't tell me what "chooses to help" means here, those are the words you used which is why they were in quotes. Who are you to decide the father is using a control mechanism when you don't know the situation?

According to the OP, the father doesn't even know if the son is staying in contact with his supposed employer. What kind of control is that?

Conjuring up hypothetical situations may be something you care to do but I won't entertain them here.
Well, you've intimated in several posts, including #11, that if the father is providing any financial support he has some say so. I vehemently disagree, as stated several times.

As to me conjuring up some hypothetical situations, well, it is right there in the OP's OP:

"My husband and I sometimes get into arguments because he still expects our son to do what he’s told, despite the fact that he’s 22 years old and just graduated from college.

I feel like my husband still sees the son as a little kid who can be told to eat his vegetables, not to play with Johnny, and to go to bed at 8pm.

This disagreement is not the only example, there have been other cases."
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Old 06-11-2020, 10:51 AM
 
5,106 posts, read 3,401,898 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KB4 View Post
The latest disagreement happened because the son just told us that he would like to go back to college town for a couple of weeks to spend time with his friends and his girlfriend. My husband is really upset about it but unable to explain why. He just says he doesn’t want the son to hang around doing nothing. But it’s not like he’s doing much here apart from helping with the chores and dog walking.
It's kind of hard for me to relate to this, everyone in our family started working as soon as we were old enough and I can't remember anyone having down time for weeks with nothing to do except chores and dog walking.

Is it possible your husband was raised the same way?

I think it's great that your son wants to visit his girlfriend and friends, but if it was my son and he put his hand out and wanted gas money, food money, borrow the car keys, etc, I would have a problem too. I don't know if that factored into it in your case.
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